|Reviews for Blood, Sweat and Moronic Teachers!|
| RedNoble chapter 1 . 4/26/2012
EXCITED. EXCITED, I IS.
this is sooo 'WOW' i love it!
| IsaacGrace chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
I really like how I feel this goes from a feeling of happiness and innocence to a feeling of doubt and fear. I'm interested in seeing where this feeling goes.
| LoveyBeth chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
Wow! I loved it! It is so great so far! :) I don't know if I should continue my story, though. I have only gotten one review, and that one review is from you. Thanks! :) Tell me what you think! Update soon! Have a great night! :D
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
Voice is EXCELLENT. Very nice. Not overdone, but not bleh either.
Still a lot of adverbs for me, except I don't have as much a problem here. Why? Because most of it's narration, and people use a lot of adverbs when they're talking. I think it's because they don't have time to think of a big powerful action verb, so they use a weaker one and then make adjustments from there. So, -ly adverbs sound natural in narration. Cheers.
The only place you use them that bothers me is in dialogue tags, since everything else could be counted narration. Gotta be careful with dialogue tags- if the tag doesn't match the dialogue itself or the context, it messes with the reader. Screws up suspension of disbelief for a second and you loose transparency. I recommend going for plain ol' "said" unless you need to indicate a major volume change or a question. It seems counterintuitive, but using something transparent like "said" helps to draw attention back to the dialogue itself. And you write good dialogue (it goes hand in hand with narration) so there's no nead to intesify the words. Or bury them, for that matter.
Just let it breathe...
Oooh. A dialogue rant this time. Be glad that you don't have any grammar problems, then you'd get much more ranting. Passive voice, too. I could froth over those for hours.
It's late. Time for bed.
I'll review the next chapter if you post it. K? Keep up the good work, thanks for a good read.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
Fucking hell, you have a lot of reviews. Holy tacos. I'm impressed.
Description is good-just the right amount of details, and the right ones too. The characters are solid. You pulled off the parents very well, and mean parents are hard to do. I think it works because they're apathetic rather than downright cruel. I love the ending, it's pretty unexpected.
I don't see many issues here. One might be the pacing-the dialogue between the parents and the child runs a little long. Cutting it shorter would maximize the impact and put more emphasis on the final moment where the woman rips the head off the bear.
Another thing I saw was the use of -ly adverbs. By my count there's... 29, in, lesee... about 700 words. They aren't as jarring or obnoxious as adverbs sometimes get, but still. Strong writing is based on strong nouns and strong verbs. A good verb makes a sentence pop more than a weaker verb coupled with an adverb. Although... skimming your story again, the problem isn't that your verbs are weak at all. Most places where you use adverbs they aren't even necessary; the verb is strong enough on its own. "clinging to the fence pleadingly", "murmured quietly"... you don't need those, see, because the verb already has that meaning. Pinning on an adverb intensifies the verb, yes, but too many and you start sounding over-the-top. Not YOU you, I mean everybody you. Your writing doesn't sound cheesy because everything else is so well understated. You don't overdescribe, over-explain... anything.
To quote Stephen King, "The road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops!". I think that's a little overdramatic, but you get the point. Stephen King agrees with me. Meh-more like I agree with him. Whatever. I don't mean to stop using them altogether, just limit them.
Wow, I can talk about adverbs all day. I can even recite quotations about them. Heh. Where was I?
Right. Reviewing. Love the description, works great as a first chapter. Nice job.
| Terffgod69 chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
Wow, and you thought my story was good
This is sheer brilliance it's detail captures you in the first few sentences of the story and its broad vocabulalary(epic word) and good grammar lets you know that this is not something thrown together in a few seconds(or if it was it was done very well) and is worth reading a possible sequel.
| Comedystudios chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
I love the reference gags. This is a great story!
| ninjakitty7 chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
I love this story! keep at it!
| tronks chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
This was an interesting start! The tiny details pushed our setting and mood (which is gloomy like a horror) that you were able to entwine kept me interested. I think you did a fantastic job keeping in-action as opposed to past tense, and that's a little trick that can garner tons of readers. Great job!
As for things to look out for, watch out for all the adverbs. For example, remove just one from any sentence and you'll find that they didn't do much for the sentence after all.
'Then, like a godsend...or more so a hell-send'
'His mother – a tall, strict, brown-haired woman – shrugged him off and cleared her throat.' (a clearing of the throat usually is rather awkward, right? especially knowing it's his mother!) (I also removed the simple because it's best you describe her as simple rather than to outright state it. Let's see, tall, strict, brown hair...that does sound rather simple to me! What else sounds simple that we can add to get the impression across?)
I enjoyed the first chapter and I hope that this little review helped. Let me know if you want my advice on other chapters, of course I can still help out any time! :D
| T. Afton A. and T. Scotty Z chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
This is pretty good, if we do say so ourselves!
We will say, though, it was a bit difficult to read. Not because of hard word usage or anything, but because we often found ourselves right there in the story with Raiden and Mrs. Penny, just daydreaming. Of course, it was slightly British/Australian/Canadian or wherever you're from. Some things we just weren't used to hearing, such as 'tonne' or 'trousers' or the term 'Maths', since we're about as American as it gets.
We do look forward to reading the rest of the story!
| Adicus Vieri chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
After reading the reviews I would have to agree that this is an interesting story...although it is not my type.
Nevertheless, I believe that this story is rated too lowly at K. It is well done but the concept of killing or the concept of death alone make any story a Rated T story.
However, this is just my opinion and I hope to see more.
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
SO far, the story has been quite good, the characters and everything, and the mood's fantastic.
And you should give me more feedback haha, you got whole lot more reviews than me! And you write better haha.
And thanks for reviewing.
| Fire-With-Fire chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
This is really quite funny! Me likey!
Toy Sotry reference!
I like Raiman's character. Likeable, but you also managed to make him a tad sarky.
Yeah, I agree with the reviewer below; what gender, hm...? :)
| Lady of romance world88 chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
Very good chapter
Its very interesting
Keep writing always
And i will finish it off on this weeekend after i will be done with my assignment
PS Are you male or female? I am just wonder that all
| Courage is a virtue chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
Hmm...interesting characters you've got there! Raiden is amazing. He's the reason why I want to keep on reading on.
I think you've got something really good here. It's interesting and out of cliches about school, which makes it worthwhile.
Just a comment, but it doesn't seem that the cold-hearted people really hurt Raiden. It would be interesting how his past affects his present, but I'm guessing that it will come later on.
I hope you continue with this! It's really good!