|Reviews for Chain Of Fate Series: Destiny With Death|
| Symphonic Goddess chapter 1 . 3/31/2013
Wherever you got the idea for this story it quite interesting. Chaining a ghost to a human is seems like an orginal idea. I love Kay even thoug she is dead she still is having fun.
| littlemisslibrarian chapter 11 . 2/22/2013
I'm usually not into stories about seances and ghosts, but I'm really enjoying this one!
| HybridStories31 chapter 1 . 2/13/2013
Hi. I'm very detailed-oriented, so my review will be long and consist mostly of what I think should be changed. But all I write are opinions and you can take 'em or leave 'em. It's your story and you can do what you want with it. Also I will be posting this in two parts the first part will be here, as a review. The second part will be sent as a PM. So here we go.
"devices'." What's the apostrophe for?
" the possibility of a ghost" EMF's are supposed to go off around ghosts right? So, remove 'possibility of a'.
"with their worried gazes." Remove 'their'.
"embarrassed by the epidemic that could have been caused by her mere passing of ghost hunters." This sentence doesn't really sound right. Try rewording it. Maybe try '...that happens by her mere ..." instead of "...that could have been..."
"Soon to regret her choice she replied, "You want find out how you died, then yes. Just appreciate the fact you don't look stupid talking to yourself."" The first part is a little hard to read, try rewording it. Try adding an "if" before "You want" and add a 'to' after "You want".
"As she went to the exit the detailed colorful booths reflected on how nerds who lived in their mother's basement striving to make a living." This sentence is really hard to read. Try adding a comma after 'exit'. Making 'striving' 'strove' and add 'she noticed how' after 'went to the exit,'.
"and only dream about" Remove 'and only dream about'. Imagination covers that.
" With the red light reading exit she dashed out as soon as another batch of ghost detecting equipment began to sound off behind her." Remove 'with the red light reading exit' it's too much detail. Add that kind of detail when you are describing a room. Like this "...and in the corner of the room stood a door with a red exit sign above it."
" as soon as another" Change this to "just as" because the way it is now sounds like she rushes out as they start going off. Whereas 'just as' sounds like they went off as she was leaving which they did. To simplify that 'as soon as' means she left after they went off and 'just as' means they went off as she was leaving.
"free beer the hotel offered the males." Only to the guys?
" emo, clothing" Remove the comma. You never put a comma between the descriptive word and the word it's describing.
" from an unknown cause" Remove this. You aren't talking about how the girl died there; your describing how she looked.
" frizz to it" Remove 'to it'. Or change it to 'in it'
" Those diamond blue eyes" Change 'those' to 'her'.
"of people that could possibly help me," Remove this. It's too wordy and doesn't really fit with the sentence.
"now attached to in life" Remove 'in life'. We already know she's alive.
"The undetectable to the mortal world gold chain around her ankle jingled like a broken bell. " Doesn't sound right. Try moving the 'undetectable' part to right before the jingling part and make sound like even though it wasn't detectable it still jingled like a bell.
""Maybe, but she might not be able to answer the one question you still seek."" Isn't the aid the spirit is looking for an answer to a question? If so you don't need the rest of the sentence, just say 'maybe'.
"I was just telling you the truth," Remove 'was' and use 'am' instead. Or I'm
"I know, but that doesn't mean you need to be rude about it," she sniffed. Feeling even more remorseful towards the dead girl, Rachel corrected herself. "It's just, I don't go for whole psychic thing, doesn't, mean you can't." "Really!" Dialogue doesn't sound natural. For one Rachel wasn't being rude. She was stating a fact that the psychic may not be able to help. Now if Rachel said that rudely then that would be different, but I saw no indicators that Rachel was being rude. So my advice is to end this part of the dialogue with "I know" from Kay.
"Yay! I would hug you, but you know what would happen," Kay said, with an apologetic smile. "Yeah, I know," Rachel said dryly, recalling the memory, yet she couldn't contain the smile that had formed. Just remove this. Try working in the hug stuff later. It doesn't really fit there.
"r down to exhaustion." Remove 'to exhaustion'. The expression 'drag me down' and all of its variations pretty much imply that.
"Let's head out for lunch," she offered. "Meanie, you know I can't eat food anymore," Kay whined. "I was thinking bacon cheese burger, a milkshake, and some cheesy fries," Rachel mused, taunting the lifeless girl. "Then since we'll be outside in public, I'll torment you," Kay threatened. "Plus, this whole place is filled with Ghost Hunters looking for some action." Not natural. Why would Kay get upset over this? She'd more likely say, in my opinion, something like this "No, I don't feel like. Cuz you know, I'm dead."
"nonchalantly, grabbing her coat, opened the door, and to her surprise" End the sentence after 'nonchalantly'. After the comma after 'coat' add 'she'. Remove the comma after 'door'. You only use a comma and a conjunction (and, but, or) when the next part of the sentence is a complete sentence on it's own. Like "The dog ate my homework, and I got in a lot of trouble."
"Sure, don't mind the mess though. The one bed is cleared, but my side is like a train just went through it. Make the first sentence a question. Change the train thing to I'm really messing or something like. In most dialogue you want to be direct, short and sweet. And you rarely describe a mess with some kind of analogy until after the mess has been established by both parties. And generally it's the other person who brings up the analogy.
| littlemisslibrarian chapter 9 . 2/12/2013
Whoa, that was unexpected! But the ending was a bit confusing. I'm pretty sure the bomb was Nick and Vance's plan, but did they know about the gas line and the sniper?
| littlemisslibrarian chapter 3 . 2/9/2013
Wow, the Astro Plane is a crazy place! I'm looking forward to finding out how Kay died.
| littlemisslibrarian chapter 2 . 2/9/2013
"could have cared less" implies that he does care. It should be "couldn't have cared less."
"weary of the danger"-"weary" should be "wary"
I literally laughed out loud at "Ninja ghost stealth mode"!
"At least she has excepted death for what is, and she won't be wondering the earth forever,"
"Excepted" should be "accepted", "Wondering" should be "wandering"
I can't wait to read more! The story is paced well, has interesting descriptions, lots of humor, and plenty of suspense.
| littlemisslibrarian chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
Whaling should be wailing
"Giving the ghost a death glare" I see what you did there!
The "with unknown intentions" phrase was somewhat redundant. Removing it would make the story more suspenseful.
"do to the fact"- "do" should be "due"
The part where the villains are introduced was confusing. It would have worked better if you would have mentioned somehow that the event happened at an earlier time.
This is a very interesting idea, and overall the plot looks promising. I liked the convention scene; it was hilarious!
| Solomon Sia chapter 1 . 4/29/2012
First review! Yay!
This story is so intriguing, and it is definitely very, very original. There's such a whiplash conversation, there is a lot going on at high speeds in the character's minds and it feels like your ideas come out faster than they can be put on paper. I can see why you are truly proud of it!
I'd like to offer some comments for improvement, but congratulations on breaking out a new genre.