|Reviews for The Forgotten|
| Ladyfnick chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
While I don't think this is my cup of tea, the initial set-up seems interesting. There are a few minor typos and I think that some of the shorter sentences could have been combined or left out entirely. Also I always find it a bit weird when two or more characters are described as doing the same thing in the background. Is that just me? It probably is. Anyways even if it is only the prologue I think a tiny bit more info for those two would have been good as the purpose of a prologue is to give the reader an idea of who the important characters are. I think the part that interested me the most was the line about taking the main character's hair as a trophy, maybe adding a bit more about that would have also have been useful- like is having your hair taken a big deal or is it just a thing that happens and is it a thing only the 'bad guys' do, or is it everyone? You get the idea.
Good luck with future writing!
| AThousandPromises chapter 2 . 10/14/2012
Very interesting, especially the beginning. The plot so far is really good, I like where this is going. I don't really like your writing style, I'm sorry to say. It's kind of disjointed and jerky. Maybe some people would like it, but it just doesn't flow very well for me; a lot of the sentences are short and choppy. It's a bit hard to get into it, because it's like being disconnected from the story. For example, when she's fighting Rex, you describe it with a lot of short sentences like "Rexus is strong. I'm starting to lose control.", "He has gained the offensive in this fight. I'm defending myself the best I can with Kratos.". If you joined some of the sentences together, like "Rex has gained the offensive now, and it's all I can do to defend myself the best I can with Kratos.", I think it would improve it. Also, I'd suggest being a bit more descriptive with the fighting, describe her emotions, what's going on in her head, the strategies she's thinking of, etc.
| AThousandPromises chapter 1 . 10/14/2012
This is a good start, although I wish it was longer. The prologue definitely captured my attention, but I'm not entirely sure what's going on, there's not a lot of information. Is Menais trying to kill her brother? Menais might not even be a girl, I don't know. The end of the chapter is good though, it has a good impact.
There are a couple small mistakes- prelouge is spelled prologue, assuming that's what you meant, and also where it says "...and sew it on to her's as a...", 'her's' should be 'hers'.
By the way, I'm sorry I took a REALLY long time to review, I've been extremely busy.
| Faye Decali chapter 1 . 10/9/2012
Prologue* is really interesting, it definitely captures the readers attention in the sense that they might want to know what happens next, or how the characters got to this point. I only suggest that you make the sex (female, or male) of the character more distinguishable, as well as what relationship the characters have towards each other. For example, I cant tell if Menais is a girl or guy, and how he/she is related to Maegris, brother? seems too romantic...unless thats the point :)
| Miss Clementine chapter 2 . 9/12/2012
I little bit heavy. Technically well written, very richly described, and a very good story. I just feel as if there's a bit missing, something that bores me a little. I don't think I connect with the characters, they don't seem real, try fleshing out their personalities. I commend you, though, it's well written and I applaud your bravery, writing in such a cliche'd genre. This has a lot of potential, I can't wait to see more!
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 6/5/2012
Your story is intresting. It has a lot of emotions. I haven't read a lot of stories like it before, and you should know, I don't usually say this, so it really is something. Well done. I'm very impressed. ;)
| Mercantra chapter 2 . 5/13/2012
Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it as much as you do :D
| Branwen Yarden chapter 1 . 5/10/2012
I have a question! Did you write this review on my story, Reason In Blue?
Mercantra 5/9/12 . chapter 3
wow! your story so far is incredible! i love your plotline, its very intresting. and kyle seems like a hottie loooool
The name said reviewer used is like yours...
Well, anyway, again... Great stuff you got goin' on here. Update soon...
Much love and all that jazz!
| Branwen Yarden chapter 2 . 5/10/2012
Intense... And well written. You had me captivated all the way through. I don't even know how you thought this amazing stuff up... What an interesting place your mind must be... I know mine is(_)
I really enjoyed this. Please update soon. I always need good reading material and this is great stuff! Rain even agrees. Right Rain? *kitty Rain meows in agreement* See, she agrees with me.
Much love and all that jazz!