Reviews for Untitled
cascaded chapter 2 . 10/19/2012
This sounds like it could be a good story but I think you could pace it more. Add more dialogue, emotions, events. Things seem to happen pretty quickly.

Remember to put commas in when needed and put dialogue on a separate line. Other than that, you have a nice little story going on. Happy writing!
Lydia M Black chapter 5 . 6/15/2012
grammatical errors aside, this is very well written, although I would maybe split up your longer paragraphs as they are difficult to read with the site's format.

your characters are believable (trust me, when you read some of the stories on these kinds of sites)and I would really like to read more!


P.S. sorry for the long review

P.P.S. this sentance makes it longer XD
A Fire Rose chapter 3 . 5/2/2012
Not sure why the word "say" is in the first sentence, and there should be a comma after "week." Maybe say "and" instead of using a comma after "cruel." That sentence became a run-on. "Learnt," I believe, should be "learned." Should be a comma after "after that." Should be a period after "jaw" to end the sentence. Also should end the sentence after "bruises" in the sentence that discusses the teacher. Maybe use "and" between "teacher" and "asked" instead of a comma. Some of the verb tenses seem off. This is an interesting start to the story! Might be something that could help kids know how to handle abuse.
A Fire Rose chapter 2 . 5/2/2012
Hey! Here, "burgandy" should be "burgundy." I'm not sure an eight-year-old would know the baby was sick unless someone told him/her. These are very short chapters. Is it because the perspective is from a child?
A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 5/2/2012
Hey, there! So far, "your" should be "you're." The latter is short for "you are." I'll check out the other chapters :-)
ShinyTBone chapter 4 . 5/1/2012
Its good, but when describing something try to tell the reader what they're seeing actually looks like. For example instead of saying “My new school was made from bricks and it had quite a few facilities, which was good” say something like 'My new school was an old building made of brick and surprisingly a lot of modern equipment' or something like that. Other than that it was pretty good.
ShinyTBone chapter 3 . 4/25/2012
It's an interesting start and a good basis for a story

I am interested to see where this will go and how you are going to develop the little girls character with her being so young. Maybe jumping ahead a few years to when she was a teenager, then it would be much easier to develop her character with a ll the new feelings that come with being a teenager that an eight year old would be incapable of experiencing.

Just my thoughts feel free to think of it as food for thought.