It does seem slow compare to the previous chapter, hopefully it'll pick up on the next one.

...Er, I kind of forgot about reviewing this... OTL

A lot of characters introduced in the one chapter, but it's not too overbearing, so that's all right. So far D. Valerie has the most characterisation out of all the characters introduced, but I guess that makes sense since she seems to be the focal character for now.

I have to say this town appears so cheery it's rather creepy. It always seems to be the places or people with the most cheerful facades that have the most sinister operations taking place beneath... So I can understand D. Valerie being wary of the town. I would be too. It's pretty realistic though, that Mikola wouldn't be as vigilant, since she's younger and more innocent. So I like this contrast between character viewpoints. I also wonder if maybe the obvious contrast between the interior and exterior of the house reflects something about the town as a whole.

I think so far, Xin is the character that intrigues me the most. Mostly because of what's implied so far about his past and involvement with D. Valerie, but also because he seems kind of quiet and pensive and I like characters like that :D He seems really mature for his age as well. So he really piques my curiosity.

Nice descriptions throughout the chapter; detailed but not too profuse. It's interesting that Marcie says her house is horrendous when Valerie finds it curious. Either this says something about the couple and/or the town, or it highlights something about Valerie's experiences so far - it doesn't seem like she's encountered someone who has reason to call their intriguing home 'horrendous'.

The ending is kind of eerie; it's usually what you push aside and neglect that comes to haunt you in the end. So it's an effective hook as an ending. I'm really curious what that's about.

Didn't really pick too much up on the technical side, but there were a few things that threw me off a bit.

[Since then she had never gotten in a car, let alone drive* one.]
-I've heard that 'get' (or any of its conjugations) is a weak verb and shouldn't be used in narration. So substituting something like 'been' or something along those lines should work.
-*For consistency, 'drive' should be in past participle form, ie. 'driven'.

["Mia and Saisha, you'll be a group," he said. "The same goes for you, Savannah and Jin. Kaine and Yuriy can also room together along with Yuriy and Kaine, Xin and Rowan, and Kevin and Mikola."]
-Yuriy and Kaine are both mentioned twice and it's kind of confusing.

Apart from that, didn't spot anything too noticeable.

Anyway, would love to continue reading! :) Hopefully I won't forget about it again, ahaha...

Hey

I like this chapter. I didn't think it was an information overload - it was good to get some insight on "Him" and i felt it moved the story along nicely. That's just my opinion.

As per usual, the dialogue for me felt on par, realistic and was interesting to read. Descriptions too, managed to envoke the scene in my head and I enjoyed "watching" the scene play out. It was great!

You have a talent, my friend.

Hoping to read more soon.

Vicky :)

So as promised, I decided to take a look at this :) Though I'm not sure when I'll have time to check the next few chapters out.

Very captivating start to the story. I like how you set up the general atmosphere of tension around this girl, especially through her physical senses. It's really effective in conveying the extent of desperation she seems to be feeling.

It's also good in that some things are hinted at, but vaguely enough to leave an air of mystery. A lot of questions pop up from this. Who is the girl? Why is she hiding and what is this place? What happened to her parents and why? So definitely very gripping from the start.

The repetition of the thumping and the heartbeat was rather chilling, and very effective. The figure also radiates this very sinister aura, which raises the suspense further. Who or what is this figure and why are they after this girl?

Overall, very fluid writing and composed very well. It should be interesting to read the next chapters! :)

I won't say this is anything plot-worthy bar this one major development. Yet, I'll have to give it to you for the best chapter of yet. Remember what I've said on the characters' speech? Whatever that was wrong back then wasn't corrected to be fair. It got overhauled. Period.

Firstly let's talk about Valerie. I've yet to grasp her persona, but yet I managed to take a clear glimpse on her trauma. You did well in relaying her peevish attitude in a manner which the readers can connect the dots. It's truly apparent that her demons were the reason for such a reality. Or rather that's the cause rather than a factor. Her revisit back to the past actually made me feel curious for her as a character. Of course given that I'm right now typing this one with a fifty-fifty focus, I believe I would have felt far stronger for her otherwise. Interestingly enough, she actually managed to take everything up to the chin. Which is pretty unexpected. Basically, this means that either she had learnt how to cope with it no matter how much she hated it or she's indeed blessed with some kind of inhumane fortitude.

For Dmitriv's case, he's still that unfathomable as always. Granted I do see him as the cold leader type, but that's it. He's actually someone who never let his feelings show, but yet it seemed that Valerie would always get a slight reaction out of him. The banter between the two is the best evidence of everything and it will be interesting to see where this will take the character dynamics and whether the same rule actually applies for the rest.

On Saisha, it seemed that her penchant to create conspiracy theories had a hand in creating her grouchy character. From my own personal experiences with other people, those who tend to think too much actually have a far higher tendency to be certified jerks. This is not to say that every such person is truly one. Just that once you've gotten used to getting a five after putting two and two together, things will go downhill ten out of ten times. For Saisha, this is indeed the case. I'd say she's the kind of character that everyone would love to hate. That she's a complainer above everything else due the aforementioned flaw. In a very real sense, it's no different from the stereotypical Singaporean and I'm part of that island state as well. In a very real sense, she's a potential gag bait.

Savanah is the rational voice out of the lot. Bar Dmitriv of course. In a very real sense, she's the foil to Saisha's bitchiness. Apart from that, she's an enigma due to a lot of stuff still being hidden.

Yuriy seemed to be a wisecrack to me. But yet, he's anything but a smart alec. Or maybe see things this way: He's a skilled debater and it shows that he could very well be the brains behind any operation.

Kaine is my personal favourite so far. Firstly, he had a barbed sense of humour as proven by his words against Saisha. Secondly, he can be truly considerate if he wanted to. In fact via his exchange with Valerie, it could be construed that he's actually an exceptional analyser. In fact I would even go so far as to say that he could very well be the strategist within the group while Yuriy would be the tactician.

So erm, I guess there's nothing much for me to add. Have to go shut down mode now. x.x

-RH aka you-know-who

Herro there. Me again. :) Okay, I'm not too sure how long can I get this review because I don't really see any major plot progress this early. But firstly, let me just say that the ending of this chapter is indeed a big cliffhanger. Apparently it seems that the town has its own agenda. Or at least the Spencers. Upon which I might need to add that Brooks Field could be the venue of the previous chapter. Call me paranoid if you will, but the final end of this chapter seemed to have an eerie parallel to what happened to the victim in the prologue. Hence, I do see the sense of this chapter.

Now onto the not so good. I can see that you're gunning for a dark story. Yet, I do find the character interactions and dialogue to be extremely dry. It might be me, but it seemed that you could actually do much better than what you've got here.

For starters, let me just say that Xin and Mikola's show of character is extremely good. Ditto for whatever little Saisha had in this chapter. Ditto for Dmitriv. Xin's serious demeanor is extremely realistic, yet detached. Mikola's tantrums were not anything out of the ordinary, but it might go a long way to mold her character. Saisha's persona was rather easy to connect because you did a good blend of body language and tone within the call of no more than 4 sentences.

What got to me was Valerie. To me, if you can bring the rest of your cast to life, there's no reason for you not to do the same. I suspect you might have some balancing troubles on defining whatever key characters you have. Simply put, I believe this is more of a distraction due to too many characters packed in one chapter. Granted Valerie was given a much bigger share of the chapter, but I think you might have been far more focused on the rest for whatever reasons I know not of.

For starters, I think you could have increased the ante on her show of emotions rather than mere telling. Try to envision how you want her to feel and show it. Create imagery and possible scenarios in her mind so as to hammer home her annoyance.

As for her driving ability, I do find it believable to be fair. Just that you could have portrayed the drive via the eyes of Xin and Mikola as a possible foil to whatever Valerie might think otherwise. Or maybe even a consensus that she suck at driving.

Humour. That part is equally important as well. Try to create her own take on any given situation before her that will tickle the readers. Like any hilarious what-ifs on the high heels, any funny thoughts while behind the wheel, and how she saw Dmitriv's lack of directional sense in terms of ridicule. In any given story like yours, I believe humour is a must somewhere down the road. Dark plot often calls for sombre and harrowing happenings and you'll really need to distract the readers occasionally so that they can get a breather. After all, no one is an emotionless machine.

P.S: If this review seems harsh, I apologize. It's just that I'm getting flighty upon the thoughts of starting a new chapter for A Ranger's Tale where in fact I'm trying to find some semblance of direction in the longer run. Not so much on what should be happening next, but rather how I should make things happen logically. :(

- From the RH aka you-know-who.

Whoa, this was seriously spooky, but in a good way. I like how you left the figure undescribed and vague, it developed the tension and fear, all while still leaving me wondering what exactly attacked the girl.

I also loved the imagery you have here, truly wonderful :)

One heck of a hide and seek.

A good start for the story so far and it's pretty interesting. I'll go back and check out the next chapter tomorrow, but still keep up the good work.

Crap. I totally thought I was all caught up with this story. I'm really sorry it took me this long to review this chapter. Now I feel like such a dummy because I was really looking forward to reading more about S. when I had finished chapter 5.

I don't know why, but seeing S. so caught off-guard by this man really made the chapter for me. It's funny because he's my favorite character because he's so cold, calculative, and manipulative, but I can't help like seeing him sorta put into his place. I guess it's because when seeing him vulnerable is when you get to see what type of person he really is. That, plus it makes him more believable when he's finally outplayed by someone else. It also makes sense that this scholar is able to outplay him considering the man's implied past and experiences, so I thought their mind games were very well grounded.

I'm glad there's some more information about the cycle of life and death in the sphere. The idea of people being resurrected is really cool, and it sounds like when people die a second time then it's game over for good. This is both fascinating and scary, because I'd hate the thought of being brought back from the grave in order to fulfill some task I might not agree with. This also makes me wonder when exactly S. was killed: before or after he worked for Juris? It probably doesn't really matter, but I'm still curious. I'll have to keep an eye out for the information later. :)

I like how S. kinda drops the bomb and mentions that Argall was Him's mentor. I wasn't expecting that, and I don't think Argall was either. His surprise was well done. I also thought near the beginning it was funny how S. kept thinking Argall was similar to Cirasu in his mannerisms and everything. I knew right away who he was talking about, so when it was confirmed a little further down the line I gave myself a mental pat on the back, haha.

Addressing your author's note at the bottom, I didn't think this was an information overload at all. Most of the stuff we're given is basic information, and then you leave other things up for questioning, like the specifics, which I like. It felt like this was more laying out the ground level for the plot itself, and for Him's background. It also did a great job exploring S.'s past, which I find to be very fascinating. I know I've already mentioned this, but I love villains who end up switching sides and become good. Though in S.'s case, I'm not sure if 'good' is the correct word to describe him, haha.

My only suggestion would be to maybe cut down a little on the narration between the dialogue. Mostly with how they each react to one another's words, since a lot of detail is put into that and it made the conversation a little longer than I think it needed to be. Let me see if I can find an example...

[The immediate answer came to S. but for some reason, he couldn't say it. The words lingered inside the cave of his mouth, pushing on his teeth and gums, asking to be vocalized. But something was holding back. Some other reason. Some other deed he had done. Only by force could he spit out the words "Giving my life for Juris."]

For instance, I think the first two sentences get across pretty much the same meaning. You might want to get rid of the first one, or maybe weave them together. I'd also take out the 'some other reason' since it's almost repeated three times. Maybe something like this?

[The answer came to S. but for some reason, he couldn't say it. The words lingered inside his mouth, asking to be vocalized. But something was holding back. Some other deed he had done. Only by force could he spit out the words "Giving my life for Juris."]

Hmm, reading it now I didn't really change too much so this might not be the best example. But like I said before, it could always just be me, too. I've read from a few different sources that a lot of readers will skip action tags and narration when there's a conversation, so sometimes it's best to tell character's reactions and thoughts as rapid as possible so they'll actually read them. (That's just my reasoning about it.) Honestly, I find myself doing that sometimes, skipping over action tags and skimming larger paragraphs when there's a conversation going on. I think I'm especially prone to doing it when the suspense is ramped up, which it totally is during this conversation. Maybe a better example would be how S. kept putting his hands in his pockets and fisting them. I liked that image, and it did a great job showing how Argall's answers were affecting him, but I felt like it was addressed maybe once or twice too many. It sort of loses its impact at that point.

I don't notice this happening as much in The Memory Holder, so this very well could be something you've already worked on and improved on, so if my advice is unneeded, I'm really sorry.

But anyways, I really enjoyed the content and plot development of this chapter. And I loved seeing some more of S. :)

Okay, I think I know why you said critique was more needed here. Firstly allow me to comment on the positives. The atmosphere of this chapter is top notched. Even better than your other work I've reviewed N ages before. I believe it's down to a case of effective character POV. You did well to capture the emotions along the limited third person view together with utilizing the false main character technique. In a very real sense, this feels like A Song of Ice and Fire all over again. :)

Now onto the critique. Firstly, I would advise you to start off your A/N instead of using the ending note format. This is to ensure your readers are mentally prepared first. Given the riveting nature of the chapter, chances are that you can really arouse their curiosity.

As for the rest, I think it's more about your formatting than anything else.

[Maybe the fact she was hiding in the basement would seem brighter.]

Judging from the sentences within the same paragraph, I will call this an ambiguity uncalled for. What is the exact reason behind this thought where in fact this IS the reality the character is facing? Try to create an immediate connection without the fullstop. Maybe like:

[Maybe *insert any self consolation statement here* would make her reality seem brighter]

Take note that the factual situation was not repeated wordings wise because the readers already knew it.

Second paragraph is full of "maybe". It might be a pet peeve of mine, but seeing the same word repeated once per sentence will bore the readers focus. It's just like watching the same kind of action sequence with the relevant modifications. Cynical reviewers will have a heyday picking you apart here.

[Maybe the darkness would be just darkness instead of a dark storm predicting danger and an unfortunate end. Maybe the pile of boxes would have just been boxes instead of the potential home for danger. And maybe she would have felt safe instead of pure terror.]

Alternative: [Perhaps darkness would just be its namesake instead of a storm heralding danger and an unfortunate end with piles of boxes being nothing like the current residence for potential peril.]

Basically you can omit the final part because this is something the readers had known via showing. In fact after rereading it again, I do see that repetitive words/phrases are the main flaws in this chapter. I know you're far more capable than what this story might accidentally imply, so just suck it up and show any critics what you're truly made of. :)

P.S: Sorry if my critique sounds mean. I'm really hungry now. And a hungry man is an angry man. T_T

Nice turn of phrase: "The everlasting war between S. and the rest of the Sphere." S.'s extremely defensive mindset borders upon paranoia, yet he is doing such a bold thing as meeting a stranger regarding the matter of him. Truly an intriguing character. Of course, you know I feel for S., because I can't shake the slight geeky quirks that he carries with him.
And it makes S. even more vulnerable, and almost lke a plaything in the man's eyes, although S. is trying to hold his own.
Nice turn of phrase: "The place was rotting from the inside."

And then suddenly the voice loses its power, as the light is turned on and the squalid surroundings are revealed, becoming friendly. I thought it might have pressed home the advantage.

Any mention about the caricature caused me no end of confusion. I can only assume that it is a projection of S.'s own mind, and it does not actualy float above the man's head. As for the similarities between Argall and a certain group member, I'm thinking Cirasu, though I could be wrong.

Ha, I'm noting that S. is a very poor player of the one question one answer game. He is asking many, many questions unintentionally. It's a good thing that Argall is indulgent.

The skirmish out there is some terrible fact of the sphere. Just by looking out you could see a man being knifed by a gang. It paints 'him'' in a more sympathetic light if 'him' actually believes he can change the world, perhaps for the better. I'm getting also a better characterisation of S. He is a lot less enigmatic and forbidding thanks to this long exchange, and I'm not surprised to learn that he has a conflicted past. The fact that he was once an enemy of the group makes sense considering how he is much of a loner. In retrospect, I like how this question/answer session allows us to find out more about S. One question is...why Argall is so interested in S.'s thoughts and personal life. Perhaps he manipulate to use S? One usually expects one party to gain the advantage in this question and answer session, but it appears that both are weakening from the exchange. This only increases the tension because a simple question and answer exchange becomes, when you write it, a struggle to the death.

As the chapter progressed to its conclusion, I found that this was probably the most technically difficult chapter so far in your story. There are many strong points here, we don't usually get such a concentration of both emotion and information together? If you revised it it would doubtless become even stronger, and definitely worth the effort.

I really liked the idea of those two writhing in each other's grip, and them leaving to come again in a week? No! Anything can happen in a week! Argall could kill himself, or be killed, or leave, or anything! Go back, S.!

from the Roadhouse

Hmm, I'm never really a fan of "Time" kind of journal-entry openings when the writing doesn't appear to be taking place in a journal and is third person. That being said, I did enjoy the question mark, as it added an air of mystery to the whole thing, and I think it fits well with the fragment idea if indeed each fragment has its own time flow and culture. I could see it being intriguing to me if I had read the other pieces in the series. But, I can't say i'm 100% sold on it since the story is in third person in this chapter and I see little justification. Especially when it's clear the girl isn't aware of time or place within the chapter too, so the information conveyed by the question mark is already imparted through the narration.

Anyway, onto the real content! I loved the way you used onomonopia in this opening with the "Thump" and "ba-dum". I thought it was unique and it also amped up the tension in the scene considerably. I also like how this chapter conveys all the five senses and starts with the sense of smell. I thought that was a unique "sense" to use too, and it came across really well in the opening paragraphs.

I'd be curious to know if this girl has been abducted by the "Him" or "the Group", but I like how you left it open ended and I like how you described the ending with the flash of light and the darkness. It felt startling and I could get a good sense of what it meant by the character's reaction to it, which I think is telling for a story that will probably have a lot of new readers who haven't read the previous works.

Good opening too with the girl mentioning her parents and playing hide and seek, it gives us a glimpse into her earlier lifestyle and it did a good job showing us her background instead of telling, especially the detail about her parents probably being dead now.

This was short, but the tension did a good job with pacing and I enjoyed all of the descriptions! This opening also reminded me of the kidnapping of Seriste and Iavan, I can tell that the two scenes come from the same author, but at the same time you make each one unique, and since we have such little information about the main character in this piece, it makes for a great opening!

Very very belated return review the third and final (I think).

"Can't we… um… sneak away?" "That's unethical."
-Liked this exchange.

I'm a little confused about D. Valerie's dream at the beginning of this. Was this a memory of something that happened in another story? A memory that will be explained later? Was this even her memory? I couldn't tell. Wasn't sure if I was meant to, but it did distract me a little.

The quarantine was a nice surprise. I wasn't expecting things to get serious so suddenly but I think it works. The characters were shocked and I was, which doesn't happen often. I liked their reactions to it too. Savannah's rant about how creepily cheerful everyone was made me wish the characters had more chances to be legitimately happy, haha. But I imagine it'd just weird them out anyway, wouldn't it?

I'm definitely interested in this story, perhaps the most of the ones I've started. It has a distinct horror feel to it, which I love, and I think the character interactions are the most intriguing so far. Perhaps because you've just dove right into the action. I can't explain it, but I really like this story. Once I've finished with my other returns I'll definitely be coming back to this. :)

Very very belated return review the second.

This seems really familiar, but I apparently haven't reviewed it yet. I obviously read it back when I originally intended to do my returns but totally failed. :/ Sorry about that.

I think it's really cool how I can follow all these different people. I keep dipping into all your stories and I know I should really just pick one and read it all the way through, but I think it's cool that I CAN go around a lot and still follow what's going on. The characters are all distinct and memorable to me, even after a couple months (*cough* I fail) away from the stories.

I like D. Valerie's driving issues at the beginning of this chapter. It's a big change from the previous chapter but it's cool because it's relatable. I can feel her tension and annoyance in the narration.

I also think you did a good job building up the candy-coating on the town they drove into. It's a bit obvious that things aren't what they seem, because I'm a cynic, but I think you did well at keeping D. Valerie from noticing until the end. Overall, I don't have any big complaints with this chapter. The writing is decent aside from a few little typos I noticed, and the build is good. Maybe the only thing I would change would be to have a sign or two of something not quite right in the town. Not something that would send up warning bells for the characters but something to alert the reader or something readers can come back to a little later and be like 'ooooooh!'.

I believe I vaguely remember Sareyah's character from the previous book, though I think she was only briefly mentioned. I think she was probably hanging out with Dmitriv, which would explain a lot after seeing she sorta has a thing for him. From the way she thought about him at first I believed it was a type of teacher/student relationship, but then I saw the mention of love. It kinda makes me sad, because I don't think Dmitriv really has the capacity to love. That's not meant to be an insult, of course, but Dmitriv strikes me as one of those people who would say they just don't have the time for love, or that love is illogical. But I think that side of him makes him oddly endearing - and I don't know why.

I always love seeing Yuriy, even if it's only over the phone, haha. It's nice to get a little peek at what everyone else has been up to as well since half the group is stuck in that town and the other half is off doing whatever it is they need to be doing (I'm guessing trying to track down HIM, or at least learn more about him). Which makes me curious as to what Cirasu has planned that even Dmitriv isn't allowed to know about. Cirasu is a very tricky person, and I remember not being ready to fully trust her... and that she sometimes withholds information. So it'll be interesting to see what type of role she take in this story.

I thought the way Rhianne mentions that Cirasu is starting to be easily to approach and talk to really says a lot about Cirasu's character development and past. From that statement and her following reaction/thoughts, I get the impression that she's used to being alone. I wonder what she was up to before she joined the group, and I think I remember it being mentioned a few times in the previous book that she was brought back from the dead? I'm still looking out for some information about that, because that's always been a big question I've had for Cirasu's character. I think once we get to see more about her past it'll make it a lot easier to sympathize with her in the present. I like her right now (although I don't fully trust her), but i have to agree with Rhianne that she's quite cold. Nothing wrong with that, of course. I'm just wondering when this whole 'brought back to life' thing is going to be expanded on a little more, or if that might have been some of the information i missed in the first book.

I'm so glad to see S again! I don't know why i like him so much, haha, considering he can sometimes be an ass to the other members. But i guess that's why i like him. Plus he shows he has a backbone when approaching this dude at the end here to try and get some more information about HIM. Though it's a surprise to see him so hesitant to seek information, it's also reassuring and reminds me he might not be as tough as he tries to portray himself. It'll be great to see if he really does get some information about HIM, because I'm dying to know more as well. And I think if anyone is able to get the information they need, it's definitely S. He's great at using intimidation to get the information he wants - and I think he's willing to go a littler further than the others to obtain it as well. Like breaking some fingers. xD

[The man's smile faltered; a knowing look passed his face. He rested his head on the doorway and the beam returned, daring S. to continue. His mouth moved, spelling out his thoughts towards S.'s comment.]

Near the end this paragraph is repeated twice - probably a copy/paste typo.

I liked the ending of this chapter a lot. I thought you ended it very well with a nice cliff-hanger. I can't wait to see more of this meeting between S. and the mystery man, so I'll be looking forward to see if that gets expanded upon. :)