Reviews for vampire Princess
Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 7/24/2012
It was the day after my 14th birthday. It's just another day. Yesterday was so fun. I finally felt like a teenager. **She's been a teen for over a year. Is she just slow?

"Do you have any idea what you are? Or who you are? You're a vampire." That struck me. A vampire, like a blood sucking, afraid of sunlight, pale freak. I'm one of them? I didn't believe him he was just some twilight obsessed freak. His words like knives "can I come in? I want to explain some stuff to you." No you can't come in. I want you to leave me alone. I stepped aside and let him in. why the hell did I just do that? He walked with ease. He sat on the couch like he was at home. **This is a muddle, her actions, his speech all jumbled together. Try: "Do you have any idea what you are? Or who you are? You're a vampire."
(NEW PARAGRAPH) That struck me. A vampire, like a blood sucking, afraid of sunlight, pale freak. I'm one of them? I didn't believe him he was just some twilight obsessed freak.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) His words like knives "can I come in? I want to explain some stuff to you."
(NEW PARAGRAPH) No you can't come in. I want you to leave me alone. I stepped aside and let him in. why the hell did I just do that? He walked with ease. He sat on the couch like he was at home.
Now, look at the sentences.
These needs editing: 1) It's _Twilight_. Titles of books are italicized, even in interior monologues. While some latitude is allowed for interior monologues, punctuate them correctly: put a period after 'him'. Capitalize 'He'.
2)His words like knives "can I come in? I want to explain some stuff to you." **move 'His words like knives' to the next paragraph and amend it to read: His words cut me like a knife. That's because it's not how HE is saying anything, it's how SHE reacts. Move the sentence down to HER paragraph. Capitalize the C in 'can'; better yet, change 'can' to 'May'.
Edited, the jumbles read like this: "Do you have any idea what you are? Or who you are? You're a vampire."
(NEW PARAGRAPH) That struck me. A vampire, like a blood sucking, afraid of sunlight, pale freak. I'm one of them? I didn't believe him. He was just some _Twilight_ obsessed freak.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) "May I come in? I want to explain some stuff to you."
(NEW PARAGRAPH) No you can't come in. I want you to leave me alone. I stepped aside and let him in. why the hell did I just do that? He walked with ease. He sat on the couch like he was at home (and his actions can be in her paragraph because she's describing them).
First person narratives can involve some awkward and difficult choices; almost all FPNs need careful proofreading and attentive editing. Good luck.
Ana Reyes chapter 8 . 6/28/2012
Another great chapter! Keep writting and hurry!
Ana Reyes chapter 7 . 6/15/2012
Huh? Intresting :) Can't wait for chapter 8!
Rubeylee32 chapter 6 . 6/13/2012
Ok so I don't care how embarrassing this may sound but currently where I live there is a thunderstorm going on and right when I got to the part about the 'run in' with Surge thunder hit and I screamed. The effect was from the book and the noise :0
Ana Reyes chapter 6 . 6/12/2012
Wow! So good I can't believe it all went down like that. Crazy. Nice cliffhanger by the way, gosh, now it is all I'm going to think about until chapter 7.
Rubeylee32 chapter 5 . 6/11/2012
I found myself laughing more that once in this chapter. I love how modest Jasmine is. Also you should try and making your chapters longer and I'm not saying it to be mean i'm saying it for me :)
Ana Reyes chapter 5 . 6/11/2012
"First day protecting you and you hit a table." :D I love your writting! So funny, serious, and just plain great! Another awesome chapter!
Ana Reyes chapter 4 . 6/10/2012
Nice! I cannot help, but feel like something is going to happen romanticly between briggs and her. But it is too soon I guess to make assumsions :)
Rubeylee32 chapter 4 . 6/8/2012
So I read this because of a shout out in a book i liked and I must say your writting is positively wonderful! keep going i cannot wait for five.
Ana Reyes chapter 3 . 5/31/2012
Love how you made the tree the entrance! So creative! Can not wait for chapter 4!
Ana Reyes chapter 2 . 5/29/2012
Love it, please keep going!

question: does Will have compulsion?
Ana Reyes chapter 1 . 5/27/2012
I really like this story so far. It is only four parahgraps long and I'm hooked! More please!