|Reviews for LotWR Book One: Corbin's Tale|
| JWT chapter 1 . 1/11
I found your story on Triple Moon, so hello fellow forumer :) I tend to review as I read, so here goes...
"Much to his delight another workday was over and being Thursday, the weekend..." - The comma in this sentance reads a little oddly. It sounds like there should be a clause there, so perhaps you could say "...over and, being Thursday, the weekend..."
"...the freedom of a couple of days without the timeclock's rule." - That is such a marvelous sentance. It tells the reader so much in one line: he hates his job, the shifts are too long, there is a sense of entrapment within a very monotonous, repetative day.
"...mind no longer bound..." is another fab phrase, punching home Chris' imprisonment within his job.
"...from her raven-black hair that spilled onto her shoulders..." - This is purely personal preference, but it might sound a bit slicker to say "the raven black hair...", just so you don't have two 'her's so close like that.
You use some lovely language. "...pulled at Chris' desire to save her" is another cracker.
I like the way you have told Chris' back story. You've got the perfect balance - enough detail that the reader gets a nice overview of his background, but not too much that we are bogged down and bored by irrelevent details.
"...relaxing embrace of the couch..." Again, lovely word choice.
That's certainly an intriguing ending to the first chapter. Overall I like your writing style and your grammar is spot on. You seem to have a firm voice and write confidently with a nice flow and a lovely turn of phrase. There is a constant, rather sinister undertone throughout which creates a dark mood that suits the action very well. Good luck with this project :)
| katayoku.no.tori chapter 2 . 1/7
Oh! I like how you described his little transformation and what he did. It was interesting. Though, in paragraph's 3 and 4 you made him get out of bed and find his clothes shredded, and then suddenly he was back in bed reaching out from the comforter. And in paragraph 5 he was still by his clothes. Maybe you could go back and check that out ;)
Wow, Chris really is rushing himself to get to the bottom of this! Though, based on his character, he seems to be one who is rather hasty and prideful. I kind of like that, honestly. I rarely ever see characters in books who have that kind of personality, especially as main characters. It definitely makes the story go along faster.
I wonder if this sleep is going to bring that transformation once again upon him, and if he's going to wreck havoc on this bus ride. And I really wonder why he transformed for the first time the night before. Hm. Very interesting!
| katayoku.no.tori chapter 1 . 1/4
Sorry for taking so long to return your review! Well, here it is, and I really hope it helps you. Thank you so much for your dedication to Wingless Bird!
I really like your opening sentence. Your use of Toiled added a unique feeling to the start. Your metaphors are well placed, and you make the first scene very easy to picture. Actually, it's not just the first sentence, but the many that follow as well. To be honest, your writing style is very captivating, and every word kept me drawn in. There are very few people who can pull off a starting with so little dialogue, and I think you've done an amazing job at it! I also like how you switched back and forth from daily life to exciting happenings or thoughts. Just when a part started feeling slow something happened - even if it was just a thought - and swung me back into the chapter.
The ending was great, and I love how much suspense it held with Chris turned into that monster. Now I'm really wanting to find out why he did, and if it has something to do with that dream that has been haunting him.
A great chapter! It was really enjoyable to read, and with how many books you have it seems like it was very enjoyable to write as well. I think I might read on. :)
| dreamerwaking chapter 22 . 10/17/2013
A new start at the end of the book :) Corbin has slipped in the role of brother and man of the house with elegant ease, and found a few new friends to boot.
I'm very interested to see where this attraction between Amanda and Corbin might lead, and I'm also curious about these two children and their friendship with Lydia.
I will definitely be reading onto Book two. Just the name: Shade's Peril makes me think her ex-boyfriend might have something to do with the story's plot.
Can't wait to find out :)
Great story. I loved it from the first page to the last.
| dreamerwaking chapter 21 . 10/15/2013
I loved this chapter. Closure on Corbin's old life was a welcome, if not sad, relief. He has lost his best friend, the one person he probably considered a brother, but at least he has the peace of mind to know that he can never be used as a pawn against him ever again. He's starting his new life with a clean slate. He has no ties left to his previous, fictitious life but he has a family who loves him.
Great work. :)
| dreamerwaking chapter 20 . 10/13/2013
Aw, I got a lump in my throat. I'm really glad things are working out for Corbin now. His life has changed so much in such a short space of time, even his eyes! I doubt he will ever look back at his 'former' life and miss it. Although, I'm sure there may be times in his future when he might miss the dull, mindless routine of the life he used to have. I have a feeling that from now on his life will be more than interesting :)
| dreamerwaking chapter 19 . 10/13/2013
What a great chapter. I was riveted from the first word until the last.
I'm so glad both Sodi and Jarell got what was coming to them and Gideon is ok, although a little crispy. I have to wonder though, is an evil angel ever really dead?
It certainly seems like Corbin is coming into his own with his Protector's strength and formidable power. They also seem to have acquired a new weapon, Jarell's sword. I'm sure it could come in handy in the future when they come up against a new foe.
| dreamerwaking chapter 18 . 10/11/2013
Fantastic. I hadn't expected Sodi to be one of the oil cans. I had expected Jarell to be hiding somewhere in the warehouse waiting for them. Your description of the drama unfolding was great, as was Corbin's morphing back into his Protector form.
I'm sure Shade will be okay, maybe a little worse for wear with the headache she's likely to have, but I'm not so sure about Gideon after his dramatic expulsion from the warehouse into the bright sunlight outside.
I can't wait to find out what Corbin can do to Jarell in his Protector form.
| dreamerwaking chapter 17 . 10/11/2013
I loved this line: "He was caught between a man he feared and a stranger he had no reason to trust, but his concern was for his own skin than anyone elses." - It really sums up the nature of Samuel.
The fact that Gideon is willing to go out into the sunlight, even covered up with a blanket, shows how concerned for Corbin's fate. I just hope that Samuel has sent them to the right warehouse and hasn't alerted Jarel / Bardolph that they are looking for him.
| dreamerwaking chapter 16 . 10/10/2013
As I suspected, Jarell was behind Corbin's abduction so he could manipulate him when he was old enough. Too bad he found his family before Jarell could try and convince him to side with him. No doubt after spending his life wanting so badly to have a family, those ties are going be to stronger than steel.
I'm very sad about Kyle. Although, if Corbin believes his sisters are miles away and safe and Jarell can no longer use Kyle as a bargaining tool, Corbin's stubborn determination may not be so easy to break.
I have a feeling that Gideon's alter ego may need to make another appearance at the Lynch Mansion before they get any information that could help them find Corbin. I can't wait to find out.
| dreamerwaking chapter 15 . 10/9/2013
So Sodi is a shape shifter, a very nasty one. I don't like Sodi any more than I liked Sodi's boss.
I can see how Lydia's strong connection to Corbin is going to come in handy. No doubt she will be able to locate him. I only hope the girls and Gideon get to him before anything serious happens to him. I am sure that physical harm isn't what's intended, although some pain can help to persuade a person to change their allegiance, and that, is no doubt the whole reason for having him abducted as a child. He is supposed to become an instrument of evil. I have a feeling that Corbin and his family are going to put up a decent fight.
I also hope that Kyle safe somewhere.
A great ending to this chapter.
| dreamerwaking chapter 14 . 10/8/2013
Oooh, I don't like Bardolph at all. I was suspicious about Samuel's involvement in Corbin/Chris's abduction but I am beginning to think that he was a greedy man who given wealth in return for harbouring a young boy with hidden talents.
Bardolph is obviously intending to use Kyle as leverage to lure Corbin out and 'convince' him to become his ally voluntarily...or else.
Fantastic carrot dangling at the end of this chapter. Well done.
| dreamerwaking chapter 13 . 10/7/2013
The double life of Chris/Corbin is about to become more intriguing, I'm sure, since he still has more questions than answers. What he does have is peace of mind. He has found his true family.
I love that line: "Chris Lynch had made the trip from Torrell, it was Corbin Allender who was going back." It really sums up how much he had changed in the space of a couple of days. It wasn't just a new name he had discovered he had or a family, but he had discovered the essence of who he was.
Shade's ex-Victor seems like a slimy character and no doubt he's not going away in a hurry. He seems like the type of fellow who'd be friends with Jarrell.
I'm really enjoying this story. My only complaint is that is now Monday and that means less time to read :(
| dreamerwaking chapter 11 . 10/6/2013
Wow. Gideon's a vampire dedicated to saving the Vandarmensen bloodlines. The plot thickens. I guess he is definitely one of the good guys. The question is who is the bad guy?
Your description of Gideon's plight against the King, fleeing with his family only to be slaughtered was really well done. Meeting Jarell had changed the direction of his life. As much as Gideon had wanted to die after the loss of his family, and as much as he hated Jarell for who he really was, Jarell gave him a purpose to live for and no doubt made Gideon a very formidable enemy.
Fantastic writing. I was hooked to the last word.
| dreamerwaking chapter 10 . 10/5/2013
I don't think Corbin will have much chance of staying in Torrell for long, not with three sisters all eager to have him live with them.
I'm not too sure at the moment if Gideon is as wonderful as the girls seem to think he is. I get the impression he is hiding something. Could it be that he knows something about Corbin's abduction? I can't wait to find out.