|Reviews for Knight of Checkers|
| Ryou Arubin chapter 1 . 5/26/2012
Hey there, didn't know you were writing this story until i clicked on the link and saw your name at the top! It was the summary that made me read this story!
Really liked how you set up the events for the first chapter, and some parts even runs parallel to my primary school memories! Rob's personality was somewhat similar to mine and i also did fell for the classic four moves checkmate when i was playing my first match :x.
Overall, it was well written, especially the dialogues between the characters :)
| The Autumn Queen chapter 5 . 5/21/2012
“"Hey, give it back, you jerks!" she said” – said? Seriously? You don’t need the comma there either. The one after “give it back”.
Big brother to the rescue. I’m not sure honestly how I feel about that stunt. It is a little clichéd. And I think this would have done a tad better in two separate chapters; you could have blown out the interactions a little more, but other than that, good job.
| Genesis Gurren chapter 1 . 5/20/2012
Found this story in my fellow writers, BloodEdge's favourite story and was a little shocked seeing the word 'chess'. Man, human creativity knows no bounds.
A great start for a first chapter. A typical start up with introductions to the main characters. There are quite a few grammar mistakes here and there and I suggest you proofread it back to correct the mistakes.
I like your writing style as it is more laid back and good for more casual readers. Though, you could improve on the explanation of the action on chessboard, I find it a little bit hard to imagine until the point where they say that is the infamous 'Four Steps'.
I like where this is going. Will be reading and reviewing more. Write on!
| Iceleaf chapter 5 . 5/20/2012
Reading about long chess games can get very boring.
| TheBloodEdge chapter 2 . 5/17/2012
My mind was blown trying to follow the match without a chess set. Readers, get your chess set out! This stuff is the real deal.
Rob's really starting to learn. I kinda like him now.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 4 . 5/14/2012
“Rob and Sally were no exceptions” – you’d normally write that as “no exception”. It’s a bit of a silly grammar quirk though – breaks the known law. I mean...seriously…
I half expected Sally to do her moves silently and take advantage of him being unable to see her moves…or feint them. After all, he never said she had to tell her moves to him. :)
Blackmail. Why didn’t I think of that? Which is good on your part; you managed to surprise me. And that Rick sure is sly. Kinda hard to symphasise with Sally’s hatred (or whatever) for her surname; our entire names show up on the roll so everyone knows them anyway.
| TheBloodEdge chapter 1 . 5/13/2012
Dude. Dude. Dude! DUDE!
I was going to write something like this! Okay, except that players are ten times as hammy when compared to yours. But! It's well researched and seriously worth a read.
I don't care. I'm favourating this. NOW.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 5/12/2012
Now, that was an interesting game, and more about personalities…and more description, which was nice to see. Not a whole lot more to say, except…
Twelve-o'-clock p.m? You guys actually say that.
And as for the two move checkmate, it is actually possible to enter into that unintentionally (even if it does get eight boys two years older than you after you in the girl’s defence), so either Sally thought she knew everything and she didn’t or she’s got a keen eye. Hmm, I wonder which one it is.
And that was an interesting game. The type you see in Nationals.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 5/8/2012
Ah, no need for that. It's followable without the chess-board. But this seems like a vast jump from the previous chapter. It suddenly occurred to me half way through that you mentioned in the previous chapter that Rob looked like he didn't know how to set the pieces up in a board. He certainly wasn't sure about it. So it's somewhat difficult to believe he knows how all the pieces move, particularly since the first game didn't move them all. Okay, he doesn't know castle-king and that pawn's rule - that is so annoying by the way - or the fact that you generally focus on attaining the centre pieces first...but I was a little surprised Sally took so long in getting her knights out. When I play against someone who doesn't loose to the 4-round (hang on, when you said four "moves" ... let me check - yep, four rounds, not four moves. That's a little confusing as there's a four move checkmate that takes four rounds, aka. four moves for a single player, and a four move one that takes four moves in total, but Kylie being an experienced player shouldn't have moved her queen to the far end of the board-unless she was extremely overconfident. It's far easier to get trapped than if she had just moved it three spaces)...anyway, back to what I was saying before. I'm surprised Rob remembered the rapidfire tutorial Coco gave him. Kudos Rob.
I don't think I like Sally very much. Not the way you've written her or anything; her character just irks me, but everyone has characters that do that. :)
""Okay, you got me there," said his sister, "but knights aren't gonna be very useful soon. Also, two of your pawns are blocked now."" - I'd say that works better with a fullstop after sister. You don't necessarily have to relate them, and it would stop readers from unnecessarily back-peddling.
That reminds me, which timers are they? The ones that add ten seconds each time you press down the lever? Somehow I started off with 15 min and ended with 16 once.
Are you going to go through the particulars of the chess game in every chapter so they can be replicated on a chess-board? I don’t think that would be the best idea; it’s unlikely many readers are going to want to take the extra time and they’d have to be quite familiar with the game to follow everything otherwise. While it does show a lot of effort on your part, you can also wind up getting into debates on the minor moves and losing the larger picture, and it’ll get somewhat tedious later in. In some cases it might be better to just say the beginning, a few major scenes and then the epic ending instead of highlighting the moves in between that don’t really accomplish anything save shuffling the board. It’s fine now, but that’s just a heads up for later on. Or a thought on a possible but also possibly pointless heads up.
"Perhaps you need a lesson in humility after all," his sister replied, handing him a handheld device./ "Maybe you should play against some people online," she said. "Maybe they'll be more at your skill level." - same person talking, should be in the same paragraph. FYI I use slashes to indicate breaks in poems/prose...typically poems though.
I half-expected Sally to start talking about the possible openings and all their names. But I guess she’s not that good. Both their egos got shot in this chappie.
And once again, you're relying quite heavily on dialogue and chess moves. You never described Rob. I don't recall you mentioning a hair or eye colour, and all you've said is that Sally's blonde. Because they're of the opposite gender, they have to be fraternal twins so there's no guarantee they look alike at all. I've got a pair in my class: one's blue eyes and blonde hair and the others brown eyed and brown hair. Eye colour was something you could have utilised throughout the game...or maybe you did and I got caught up in the actual game. You've described how Kylie and Coco look but you haven't done anything with that...though there's plenty of time and you may later on. It's practically the complete opposite for me. With my first chapter I think I had only one line of dialogue...and that was from the teacher. But considering the emphasis on the chess game, I think a little extra detail wouldn't hurt, and it's something I'd really like to see.
Thanks for the heads up. :) Good luck . And sorry for all the waffle. I guess I got a little long winded.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 5/6/2012
The thing that caught my attention from your summary was the chess. I love chess. :)
Okay, moving on. The names of your characters are western. Manga is eastern orientated, particularly Japanese orientated. Therefore it would be far more appropriate to use Japanese names, or at least names that are in Romanji. Considering it is a school setting, is it important to the plot whether it is a Japanese school or a school in any other country? If it is a world you’ve invented yourself, you’ll have to explain it. But it seems like a regular high-school in New Jersey.
really, his sister should know if he can't play chess. Unless they're parents are divorced, in which case you should have mentioned the point as it would play a role in their relationship. Considering they're always arguing though, I'd seriously doubt that.
They use the timers in practice? We were only allowed to use them in competition. That's a general comment, don't mean anything by it.
Hehe, even the experts fall for the four move checkmate. Now, if it had been the two move one, it would have been particularly embarrassing. :)
Your grammar was also a little odd, but that may have been a US vs. Aust thing. It wasn't unfollowable though, although a tad distracting in places. I'd also like a bit more description on the setting. I hope to see more of the twins' characters in future chapters.
You're doing a biology major? Cool, so am I. Microbiology.
| Amya Young chapter 1 . 5/5/2012
I loved it! You had a few confusing grammatical errors, but I could completely imagine these characters as Manga. I loved the sort of weird, unlikely chess set up, and I would like to read more of this. Keep up the good work, and post some more of this story please!