|Reviews for Independence Day|
| Zoraia chapter 1 . 5/27/2012
So descriptive and yet still so haunting! I love most everything about this story. :) The build-up of hatred was very well written and believable. I could see this happening before my own eyes (in my head, of course). Very, very good!
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 5/26/2012
This is incredible! I love the way you explore psychological processes within the mind and how characters think, and it is the characters themselves that make this a horror story rather than their actions. My head is spinning from the impact of this piece and the messages it implies, for example that we are all capable of murder if we are pushed to a certain limit. It had me questioning and thinking all the way through rather than just passively reading, and had so much depth and insight. This is amazing! :')
There was certainly an unnerving, chilling tone running all throughout this, and right from the beginning I could see it was leading up to that ending, but I still felt shock when I finally read the ending. There are so many philosophical messages running through this regarding human nature. For example, it was chilling when he said "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry" as though he was only just starting to realise what he had done and started regretting it, almost like he had killed her in a dreamlike, detached state without even realising it. I cannot believe he killed her just because of that. It was certainly a shock, and what scares me is that in some places I actually felt like cheering for him. It shows you have boatloads of talent to make us think so many different things about your characters and not know whether to wave pom poms in support for them or have nightmares about them for the rest of our lives :') At first he seemed just like a normal person, but perhaps the pressures from his society and the stress from his relationship with his wife just pushed him off the edge. He is so realistic as a character, and it makes it more horrific because I am pretty sure there are people like him out there, and perhaps we are all capable of being blinded by bloodlust if we are tormented enough.
That last line gave me chills. I can barely understand his motives or desires - he is an enigma, and his actions and way of thinking are almost inhume and disturbing. I had so much fun trying to work out what his next move would be. He almost thinks backwards in comparison to how we would expect humans to behave, but then again, perhaps this is really just questioning human behaviour itself and whether in all honesty we are all fundamentally callous creatures. He is an intriguing character, and one of the best I have seen for a long time. This was brilliant! You are such a talented writer and I really admire you.
Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
| Isis 47 chapter 1 . 5/17/2012
Holy crap. FAVED! I liked how you dragged out Dale's hatred into this. You, unlike many other people on here, almost seemed to bring him to life. Almost.
Good points: characterization. You gave both Dale and his wife different mental thoughts about each other. Dale's slow growing hate towards his wife was the best (yes, I repeated that). And how Marlene thought everything was perfect in their life, like the world really revolved around her,oblivious to her husband's misery... You explained their relationship very well.
Bad points: I don't think there's too much that I didn't get. I think maybe you could have focused a little more on Marlene, but I think this is still awesome.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 5/12/2012
I'm guessing this is set on the other side of the world (from Australia) because the fourth of July for is is dead winter. Unless there's some sublime symbolism there...or I'm reading too deep into that line...
Anyway, back to the story. You've started with quite a punchline, but I feel it would have been even more effective with a paragraph break after it. The rest of the paragraph can stand alone in a new line.
That boat sailing away...beautiful image. I'm guessing the light frost in my mind shouldn't be there though. Still beautiful without the frost. :)
"Dale had put up with a lot; short changed by customers..." - Colon there, not semicolon. You're listing, not writing separate yet connected clauses.
"But to wake up to those eggs." - That line seems a little flat. It's almost as it's continuing, although there's no continuation in sight.
"Marlene watched him with hurt eyes./ "Are the eggs okay, Dale?"" - Considering the hurt, I think a negative...ah, whatever the word is, would be better. "Aren't the eggs okay, Dale?" Or "Don't you like the eggs?" or something like that.
Flies? Now there's an image I've never seen before. But beautiful. Now there's the license for an amazing author.
"Nothing made him feel more mentally inferior than the way she pronounced "neither" as "ny-ther"" - what other way do you pronounce it? *scratches head*
"Too cheerful. God damn it all./ The weather was beautiful by dusk," - Should there be a divider there? It somewhat reads as though there should.
"him them in his jeans pockets" - I think you mean "hid" there.
"Motherfucker!" she screamed once, and Dale punched her, hard, where her head would be. She relaxed slightly after letting out a wild scream of pain and rage. "Dale, what the fuck are you doing?" Her voice came out breathless, somewhat more frightened now./ "Let me go!" - same speaker, should be in the same paragraph. The page-break forces readers to backpeddle once they reach a part that shows they've got the wrong speaker.
"It glittered dully will dead light." - with dead light?
I like the description you've put into this, the way you seem to breeze through some points and cycle around some others. Very effective. :)
| mingsquared chapter 1 . 5/11/2012
Hello from the Roadhouse!
[Mostly, it was because of the eggs.] Best reason to kill someone ever! :D
Your prose is good, and I liked the way you conveyed Dale's emotions. The details were a bit long but then I realized this is a one-shot, so it's understandable. Plus it gave me a nice perspective on his life and why he is so unhappy. The way he killed her was brutal and obviously not the smartest way to do it, but it makes the story more realistic. Overall you have an excellent piece of work here and I wonder if he is ever going to get caught.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 5/10/2012
Mm. Your writing's too mature for this site, see. Go get published or something like that, 90% of the people here are too dumb/immature to appreciate this here.
Okay, that was harsh. Maybe more like... 75%.
Anyways, I liked this, especially near the end. The beginning seemed a little slow. I thought some of the explanation/details were unnecessary, even if most of them were interesting. I liked the way you depicted the relationship and Dale's growing apathy. It got a lot more interesting when he actually attacked her, of course. Your description of the attack was perfect, to be honest, just enough in the right places and not a crap-shoot the way I write mine :P. Ending was interesting. I thought the transition between the killing and the dumping of the body was a bit abrupt, but I loved the final line, it wasn't cliche at all.
I'd probably be more helpful if it wasn't several hours past my bedtime, but then, when do I review anybody at a decent hour anyways.
Cheers! Happy writing, keep up the good work.