|Reviews for Death Callers|
| Lord ApacoFishie chapter 1 . 10/30/2013
Hmm,long as hell,but I read fast so...All in all... GOOD! :D
I like how long it is compared to other peoples stories
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 9/8/2013
The soup took some of the dizziness away, but the aches just grew worse the longer she lay there. The healer bustled around her, checking her temperature and eyes, asking her simple questions to verify her mental capabilities. Again, why is she friends with Kaydynce? She seems to know what she’s like, and to be honest, yeah, if she’s turned him down then Kaydynce could technically be free to, well, seduce him. You should show more of their friendship, as it would make Kaydynce’s ‘betrayal’ have more impact. So they’re just going to leave the unconscious boy? After she almost killed him? Maybe indicate someone going to him, someone helping him as the others walk away, so he’s not just…left there. But yeah, the main thing I would suggest is to work on the grammar and sentences, and make sure they don’t run on too much. Good luck.
| Carolina Martinez chapter 27 . 8/21/2013
Again, I love this story and it's awesome. But I don't understand how Kaydynce can just go, 'Okay!' when she finds out that Ilium is planning to overthrow the kind and queen. I would ask him more questions, but that's just my opinion. :)
| Carolina Martinez chapter 10 . 8/21/2013
I love the story and all, and it's awesome story, summary, and AMAZING plot, it's also really creative. But it would be better if you didn't state things, like, 'She wasn't the sweet, little Kaydynce we had known all our lives anymore; she had changed and not for the better. She had become a monster in our eyes in less than a day.' Because it would be quite obvious to the reader that she had changed. Maybe it would be better if you said something like, 'I stared at her, wondering why she wasn't waking up from her feeding frenzy.' and then transition it into her attacking Teagan.
Anyway, love it! Sorry I didn't review the first few chapters.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 8/8/2013
POV is hard. Especially when writing in first person, but you need to remember what the main character can and can’t know, especially when it comes to other people’s thoughts. [Kaydynce stopped herself as she remembered that no one else was supposed to know.] For example, makes it seem like Aislin can tell that Kaydynce is remembering no one is supposed to know. Maybe just (Kaydynce stopped. No one was supposed to know.) or something. Same thing for the vision she has at the end. It feels too much like she’s in the other characters heads. As a vision, it would perhaps make more sense to have her watching what’s going on, like we’d watch a film.
[he asked Kaydynce though he was looking at me.] the ‘though’ makes the sentence sound a little awkward. Maybe ‘he asked Kaydynce, looking at me.’ Wow, Kay sounds like an awful friend. I think you need to show why they’re still friends. Have something in there that really shows why Aislin still hangs out with her, is still friends with her. Like I said before, some of it feels quite jumpy, and I think you need to slow down the pacing a bit and really let us get to know the characters, especially Aislin’s emotions. Build on them a bit more, show them to us rather than just telling us how she’s feeling.
You do have an interesting plot, and there’s a nice hook to keep the reader wanting to read more, but I think it just needs a little bit of polishing. Good luck.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 21 . 7/7/2013
Sorry I've not reviewed for so long. I've been really busy but am aiming to get back into reading and writing now.
Interesting chapter. I liked seeing all the characters as if from a stranger's point of view. Overall, there was some great writing here with some atmospheric descriptions.
The forest floor was alive with the noise of hooves crunching leaves and fallen branches. [I especially like this description. It really enabled me to picture the setting.]
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 20 . 5/6/2013
You do a good job of conveying Aislinn's emotions and worries here- it really added to the tension. I am really wondering what she has unleashed by letting the vampires etc go!
In general, a fast-paced chapter with plenty of intriguing details.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 5/4/2013
I feel like this is fairly jumpy. It moves very quickly from one thing to the other, and as a reader, it feels like we don’t really have a lot of time to get a hang of what is happening before it moves on. Hang on…why does her friend think it would be amazing? Seems a little morbid, and a bit strange. ["Yeah, it was amazing," I said, sarcastically hoping she would get it,] makes it sound like she’s sarcastically hoping the girl would get it, not that she’s speaking sarcastically. [she apologized while ushering] Doesn’t sound like she’s apologising in the speech; if she’s apologising outside of the speech, while she’s ushering him away, then it isn’t a speech tag and needs a capital letter.
[I screamed looking straight at the one who had birthed me,] Doesn’t need a comma there. And ‘one who birthed me’ sounds a little over the top. Just ‘Mum’ (or Mom or whatever) would work just as well. [trying to explain it to me while also trying to calm me down.] Telling, rather than showing. You don’t need to say “trying to explain it” because we can see that already in what she’s said.
I was a bit thrown when she was getting ready for the party; I felt like it was a bit overly long and didn’t add anything. She just seems to get ready like normal, without thinking of what she’s seen, and it’s hard to really get how she’s feeling. Maybe build a bit more on emotions and reactions; we don’t need as much detail about her getting ready, but adding in a few elements focusing on her, rather than description, will really help add something to it. Hope this helps.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 19 . 4/14/2013
I like Kaydynce's POV- it adds a lot of dramatic tension. Ilium seems interesting. I'm not sure if he is trustworthy or not.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 18 . 4/14/2013
The writing flows really well here- you maintain a good sense of drama and urgency. I like it!
It's interesting to see how Aislinn tries to defend Kaydynce, despite what happend. It shows that they have a really strong bond of friendship and reveals a lot about Aislinn's strength of character, too.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 17 . 3/10/2013
I really like the description of the moonlit forest here- it's really evocative and fits with the overall sad mood of the chapter. I thought this chapter very poignant in general- poor Teagan!
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 16 . 3/9/2013
I thought the romantic scene was well done here- not over the top at all but very bittersweet and well balanced with action.
I like how the pace of this story keeps moving nice and quickly- this keeps things really exciting.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 15 . 3/9/2013
Sorry I've not been reviewing for ages, been caught up in overtime etc at work.
Anyway.. onto the review...
I like the balance between Aislinn's inner thoughts and the events/action/dialogue here. I feel like we are getting just the right amount of info on how she feels about the situation.
Anyway, a pretty dramatic cliffhanger- I'm very curious to find out what happens next!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 2/17/2013
It's an interesting first chapter, but I feel like it could be a lot stronger. There's a lot of telling; you may want to hold some of it back, build up the tension in regards to what they are. It all seems pretty normal, too, to the point that the teachers would know what they were, so surely there would be some sort of procedure in place for what she faces with the teacher? It's also a bit...I don't know, odd, maybe, that when he acts like that she just happily goes running into the arms of the first male to appear. Maybe just have her a bit more wary of him, a bit more hesitant until she knows who he is? And at the end, it's surprising when she calls him her first love. It seems off because, as pointed out, she's only seen him again an hour before. Maybe build that up a bit more, because it just seems a bit too convenient as it is. Just some suggestions to consider, hope it helps.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 14 . 1/20/2013
The short flashback here is nice- it gives some good back story. It's interesting to see Aislinn from Kaelin's point of view here, too.
Also, a good cliffhanger! I'm wondering how Aislinn is going to deal with Kaydynce's situation.