|Reviews for Death Callers|
| I-am-happy chapter 1 . 11/4/2012
“Kaydynce was only a foot shorter than me….” Umm, a foot shorter is a pretty big difference. So maybe just omit the ‘only.’
“Teagan, my other best friend, said bitterly….” Okay, the ‘other best friend’ part is trppin’! Maybe something like, “Teagan, the third to our trio, said bitterly….”
“right yet I had a bad feeling like something horrible was going to happen, and I sure as hell wasn't going to like it.” That just sounded funny to me.
“….eighteenth birthday then everything change.” Try. “….eighteenth birthday-then everything changed.”
“….and admired, what girl wouldn't, yet it had….” Try, “….and admired-what girl wouldn't?-yet it had….”
“….too much attention; surprisingly I'm a shy girl.” Try, “….too much attention; surprisingly, I'm a shy girl.”
“…. day ended yet even if it did I would still….” Try, “…. day ended, yet even if it did I would still….”
"Ms. Gray, may I have a word with you for a moment.” Try, "Ms. Gray, may I have a word with you for a moment?”
“The offer was tempting as I did need a boost in my grade and Mr. Cole….” Try,
“The offer was tempting, as I did need a boost in my grade, and Mr. Cole….”
“….only eighteen plus it would just….” Try, “….only eighteen. Plus it would just….”
"No thank you, Mr. Cole, but thanks for the offer I appreciate it….” Try, "No thank you, Mr. Cole. Thanks for the offer, thought, I appreciate it….”
“I replied, briskly walking out of the room as fast as I could yet not fast enough.” Okay, we have a problem here! ‘Briskly’ means to walk fast, so it is improper and unnecessary to add ‘as fast as I could.’ Then instead of saying, “yet not fast enough,” you could maybe try, “but it was to no avail.”
“I struggled against him not believing that this was happening to me.” Try, “I struggled against him, not believing this was happening.”
“….then did the only thing I could think of; I brought my knee up and nailed him in between his legs.” Try, “…then did the only thing I could think of: in one swift move, I brought my knee up and nailed him in between his legs.”
“I guess they understood because the next thing….” Try, “I guess they understood, because the next thing….”
“….but couldn't go any further as someone had….” Try, “….but couldn't go any further, as someone had….”
"’Oh I'll leave Mr. Cole, but not without her,’ he said as he wrapped an arm around my waist and walked away with me attached to his hip.” You could have made this part REALLY good. Maybe, “He fixed Mr. Cole with a hard glare, and pulled me to his side, slinging an arm around my waste. ‘Oh, I’ll leave, Mr. Cole, but not without her.’ He pulled me even tighter to his body, then turned and guided me away.”
“I knew it wasn't over and that scared me.” Try, “I knew this wasn’t over, and the thought of hat scared me.”
“…but not by tutoring…" At the end of a sentence there are four dots in an ellipsis. So, “…but not by tutoring…."
Umm, why would he pick her up? Why would he take her to the nurse? That is all very strange.
"Hello to you too, sleeping beauty…." Okay, that is too much for me! I mean, sleeping beauty? Please, please, please omit it!
“….maybe thirty minutes or so…." Either take out ‘maybe’ or take our ‘or so’
“….knowing him for about an hour….” Uuum, she was asleep most of that ‘hour’ and I’m pretty sure there wasn’t an half an hour interval from when he saved her to her falling asleep.
“….who might you be, sleeping beauty?" NOT WITH THE SLEEPING BEAUTY AGAIN, PLEASE!
Well, that’s an interesting ending. I’m not sure I like that, ‘my first love’ part, but oh well.
You have a very strong idea here—very strong! I think you could go a great job executing it if you worked a little on your writing style. I found that it was pretty stiff most the time I was reading it, and the use of ‘as’ so much didn’t help that.
The idea, though-it’s so strong! This could turn into someone really fantastic! I suggest going through and editing thought. Keep a critical eyes as you read, and pick apart anything that sound even remotely off.
Good job, though!
Please reply via RH, to via The Sneaker and the Robot. Thank you.
| seredemia chapter 17 . 10/26/2012
this is teagan in this chapter, right? good job in explaining her situation. its also nice that we hear from her instead of aislin cos it brings more suspense in the story, cos we still dont know whats happening to aislin and kaelin...
| seredemia chapter 16 . 10/26/2012
aaw this was such a sweet chapter! its nice that kaelin and aislin finally confessed their feelings to each other. but its also sad that they got separated in the end. i hope kaelin is fine..
| Miles-tails-prowler chapter 19 . 10/25/2012
he willingly gave his life force? o.0
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 9 . 10/13/2012
Wow! This was a pretty dramatic chapter. Poor Aislinn... you've really introduced a lot of pathos here. I'm wondering how she is going to deal with this tragic event in later chapters- if it is going to change her as a person. I'm wondering if she is going to take revenge, too. So far she's seemed like a really level-headed person so this will be interesting.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 8 . 10/13/2012
I think you represent Aislinn's thoughts well here. You give just enough detail to show a bit more of her personality. She is clearly a pretty thoughtful person.
One small typo:
here hair was in pigtails
Overall, an interesting chapter. I'm hoping Kaydynce is ok.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 7 . 10/13/2012
This chapter flows really well. You use a good balance of description, action and dialogue that keeps the pace moving quickly.
The issue with Teagan is very poignant. It will be interesting to see how that develops.
| seredemia chapter 15 . 10/12/2012
wow the plot is moving along so fast now! it's good! i like how the action is slowly building up and it's a good pace for the plot :)
| seredemia chapter 14 . 10/12/2012
this chapter was sweet! i liked the flashback between aislin and kaelin, and i'm glad that kaelin still accepts her even though she's a banshee. it gets a bit confusing though because this chapter is in kaelin's point of view, and it was hard to tell at first. apart from that, good chapter as always!
| seredemia chapter 13 . 10/12/2012
i'm guessing the white haired dude is ilium? if he is, then i like him so far! you did a really good job with describing what he looked like and his personality intrigues me so far because he stands out from all the other characters, in my opinion!
| Jax Creation chapter 1 . 10/7/2012
Hello from the RoadHouse! :3
I really do like the idea of this. Whilst the story may be a bit cliche, it's certainly got a twist. Banshee's are seldom written about, nowadays it's all vampires and werewolves *shudders*.
You did a great job of making Mr. Cole a creepy, disgusting old man (ugh, would not want be within ten metres of that guy), and you managed to convey Aislin's fear really well.
I really like the name Kaelin :) And I love the whole, "I knew you before when you were a goofy kid, and you're back and you're hot" thing. But eep, as if he's gonna be her first death call! Nooooo! Fight for love Kaelin and Aislin!
My only critique is that I think you should have expanded on what exactly a banshee is. I'll admit, I had to google it - the only thing I knew about banshees was that they scream, I didn't even know *why* they do it. And the beauty thing seems to be more of a siren or succubus attribute, but again this could be resolved with a little more in-depth explanation of what banshees are in this world.
Really nice work!
| Chow4now chapter 17 . 10/6/2012
Just curious...authors normally get asked who they would cast to play their characters if their story was ever filmed? Did you have any thoughts on yours?
| Chow4now chapter 18 . 10/6/2012
I'm really enjoying this. Hope you have plans to update soon! :)
| Miles-tails-prowler chapter 18 . 10/5/2012
What a nasty punishment! It's essentially condemning you to starve to death! O.O
| Chromatic chapter 1 . 9/23/2012
I applaud the creepiness of Mr. Cole. Even though that was completely pedophilia to me, was interesting to see her react in a way of self defense which I give Aislin props too.
And aww Kaelin is pretty cute. (Whats strange is that many of the names you used in the story... are the names of people I actually know in real life or pretty similar to the ones in real life like Cole, Kaelin and Kaydynce) But damn the twist at the end, I really want to see of what happens next. Wonder if Banshees can save humans, but from all the mythic books I've read about them, sounds like they just know when someone dies.
Anyways good job and I can't wait to read more :)
From the Roadhouse (review back please?)