|Reviews for Death Callers|
| The lone canine chapter 9 . 7/11/2012
I decided to read all the way up to the current chapter you have of this and then review, and so I did. I really think you have something great going here! A believable cast of characters and an interesting plot.
I really enjoyed this chapter in particular, lots of emotion.
Great job! Keep em coming. :)
| The lone canine chapter 1 . 7/11/2012
This is quite a story! I like how this is written and the concept is quite unique. I can definitely say I like this story of yours, so I think I am going to read some more.
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
The first problem I have about this story is that you explain too little. First, you start by off-handedly mentioning Aislin is a banshee and that she has got a death call, and then you continue by letting her go to school and have classes and more like that. We never really know what a death call means. You could spend more time expanding on that subject and explaining more. What I suggest is splitting up this chapter into a prologue, with Aislin first explaining the whole concept about Banshees and that death call, and then the first chapter, with Aislin going to school, ending with Aislin finding out about Kaelin's death call.
Also, Aislin is some kind of super-human? It doesn't feel like she is, you know. You can spend a lot of time on her feelings of not being human and not being able to blend in with her friends because she's a banshee, and you can expand on her emotions more. She's just turned eighteen and fears she'll turn into her friend - so of course, she must be very afraid. Tell us that, give her emotions more room. You can say that she's super-human, but just telling us that is pointless. Better is it to make it feel like that as well.
Also, Aislin was just harrassed by a teacher because she's pretty. A teacher, of all people, someone she's supposed to trust. Shouldn't you expand on that too? I'd recommend leaving it out, though, since this chapter feels a little stuffed with a lot of events, yet you don't expand on any event enough to make me feel satisfied. And Kaelin's entrance into the story can be expanded upon too.
Aislin feels a bit like a Mary Sue herself. Does she have imperfections too? She's so pretty that teachers can't stay away from her, and Kaelin comes back especially for her. Doesn't that read a bit annoyingly? Try to make her look more human. That reads more nicely and fluently.
Hope this review was helpful!
| Nintendo Fan 101 chapter 1 . 6/27/2012
I'll read the rest of your story later, but I like this chapter!
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 5 . 6/27/2012
[I was still in the woods, not alone though.] -Personal: I would change the second half of this to read "but not alone."
[It shouldn't affect me though; I knew he would die eventually; death is inevitable yet I couldn't fathom not having him around.] -You use "though" and "yet" quite often. I'd suggest trying to mix it up a bit for variety. I would reword this sentence to read: "It shouldn't affect me. I knew he would eventually die, death is inevitable, but I couldn't fathom him gone.
[forcefulness of his lips pressing against mine] -Edit: To remove the repetition of "lips" I would just remove it since the sentence will still read well without it. I would even remove "pressing."
[I had heard the term used before yet I had never conceived that it could ever happen to me, yet it did.] -Edit: Change the last "yet" to "but" and "did" to "had." Also, you can remove "that" from this sentence and it would still work.
[ere happily ever after's instead it was real life where nothing was ever perfect.] -Edit: Comma after "after's."
[My anger peaked at the accusation he had just made.] -You could shorten this to read: "My anger peaked at his accusation."
[I hated how my world was full of sorrow and death just once I would like to be happy, but even my happiness was filled with mourning. I just couldn't get a break; no matter what I did my happiness was like a wisp of a thought that I couldn't capture.] -Edit: There's a lot of repetition in here that I think you could remove or shorten. Try to rework this.
[He called after me; his voice echoing through the trees begging me to come back.] -Edit: Change the semi-colon to a comma and toss a comma after "trees."
[I knew if I did that I would breakdown.] -Edit: "breakdown" should be two words in this sentence.
[would have taken less time if I didn't have heels on and kept on tripping on roots.] -Personal: I would reword part of this to read: "...if I wasn't wearing heels and kept tripping on roots."
[My backyard was pretty much trashed from my eighteenth birthday party that my mom had thrown me.] -Edit: We've already established her mother threw the party and that she turned eighteen, so I would reword this simply as: "My backyard was trashed."
[it was before I fall too far and can't get back up.] -Edit: You're switching tenses here. It should read: "...it was before I fell too far and couldn't get back up." Also, it's a little unclear as to what you mean by her falling. I can grasp the meaning of it, but see if you can be clearer.
"Missy" should be "missy."
All right, interesting chapter. I could use a bit more description regarding the time of day and her surroundings when she first wakes up. What does she hear? Smell?
Other than that, this chapter was edited much better than the previous ones, and I liked the descriptions of the early-morning and her trashed backyard.
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 4 . 6/27/2012
I like the unexpected twist of her changing his fate without realizing. Quite realistic.
[...just waited for him to find me; I knew he would he always did.] -Edit: I'd change the semi-colon to a period. Also, you should place a comma after "would."
[I couldn't look at him not when I knew where he would be once I turn him down again.] -Edit: Comma after "him" and change "turn" to "turned."
[Yet I didn't want to reject him; I didn't even want to avoid him all I wanted was him at that moment.] -Edit: I'd change the semi-colon to a period and either place a comma or a period after "avoid him."
[I couldn't deny my feelings for him anymore especially now that I knew I could change his fate.] -Edit: Comma after "anymore."
[We had been friends since we were little you would think that would mean something to her, but of course not.] -Edit: Comma after "little" and I would remove "but of course not."
[Best friend my ass, I thought as I wiped away the tears that hadn't fallen yet.] -Edit: Comma after "friend" since "my ass" is an expression. Erm, I don't know how to explain that rule clearly, but I'll think harder on it so you'll be more certain about it in the future. :) I might also reword part of it to read: "wiped away tears that hadn't yet fallen."
["Aislin, are you alright?"] -Personal: I'm picky about alright/all right. Take a few minutes to Google the difference between the two and then decide for yourself how to proceed. However, personally, I would change "alright" to "all right."
[Kaelin asked when he saw me, kneeling beside me with worry written all over his face, "Did you fall or hurt your ankle?"] -Edit: I would change the comma after "saw me" to a period and then begin a new sentence with: "Worry was written all over his face as he knelt beside me." Also, end that with a period and then go into the dialogue.
[I'm fine though a little shaken.] -Personal: "though" sounds a touch too formal for me here. I would change it to "just."
[I said getting up slowly and turned around to face him.] -Again with the lengthy dialogue tags. I would try simply: "I said. Standing, I turned to face him." Shorter is better... some of the time. Try some short sentences, I think it'd help mix things up a bit so the sentences don't have the same rhythm and feel too similar after a while.
[His golden eyes held so much hurt in them that I couldn't even speak for a moment.] -Edit: You could shorten this to read: "His golden eyes held so much hurt I couldn't speak for a moment."
[I mean sure I had always envisioned it would happen that someday we would fall madly in love with each other yet that was only a fantasy.] -Personal: I'm not a huge fan of the "I mean sure" openings. The reader already knows this is from her point of view, and again, it's always great to imbue your narrative with the character's personal voice, but the "I mean sure" type inserts always feel unnecessary to me. This, of course, is simply my own personal feelings, so I leave it to your discretion to decide otherwise. I simply feel your narrative would have a stronger, more mature tone to it if you excluded them. :) Also, I would remove "it would happen that someday" and "with each other" so as to make the sentence stronger. Finally, if you remove those parts, toss a comma after "love" and I would change "yet" to "but." I'm confusing myself here, ha-ha. Basically, I would rework this sentence to read: "I had always envisioned we would fall madly in love, but that was only a fantasy."
Oh, just a quick thought: In one of the earlier chapters (can't remember which one) when they first recognize each other as classmates, you could have Aislin recall a nice memory of the two of them together and why she fell in love with him. Since he was her first love, and since they knew each other for so long but he went away, it would be nice to get a glimpse of the reason why she loved him, and who they both were back then. Keeping that in mind, I wouldn't do a flashback. They're difficult to do and I'm normally not a huge fan of them. But that's something to consider, if you think it would be worthwhile.
["I-I, um," I couldn't think of a good enough excuse; it was like my mind had a brain-fart, and no words could be found, "you, um, shocked me. I didn't expect it and um, yeah that's the best I have." He shook his head and started laughing like it was some kind of joke.] -Edit: Change the comma after "um" to a period. I would change "good enough excuse" to simply "decent excuse." I would also remove the comma after "brain-fart" and the comma after "found" should be a period, thus change "you, um..." to "You, um..." Finally, place "He shook his head..." either on a new line, or on the same line as his dialogue that follows this paragraph.
["So pretty much what you are saying is that you got scared of what was happening between us, and you ran, am I right?" I nodded with a look of pure astonishment that he could have figured it out so easily usually guys weren't that perceptive.] -Edit: I would remove "pretty much," and remove the comma after "between us." Also, place "I nodded" and what follows on a new line since his dialogue should be in a separate paragraph from her reaction.
[He was more intuitive than I ever gave him credit for, which meant I had to be even more on guard unless I wanted to let out the biggest secret to the human race, the paranormal are real.] -Edit: I would remove "ever" and "for" and change the comma after "race" to a colon. Also, loving this little piece of information. So humans don't know about banshees and the rest of the paranoms! That's awesome, and I love how you just dropped it in there all casual. Nice work thar.
[Though we try to keep it a secret somehow certain paranormal beings have been caught and to be found quite real like vampires for instance.] -Personal: I might remove this sentence. As a human reader, I'm aware of certain paranomal activity, so I'm not sure if this sentence is necessary.
I would start the paragraph that follows that line, however, with: "For instance, vampires are quite real. It's quite difficult to hide them since they tend to leave pretty significant bite marks on their victims. Not to mention, they always seem to leave a trail of dead bodies behind."
[even a dim human could presume that vampires are real.] -Edit: Begin this as a new sentence.
[Though I knew it shouldn't matter since in the end he must die so there was no point in trying to hide yet a lifetime of secrecy made me cautious.] -This sentence is a bit awkward. Perhaps try something along the lines of: "Although I knew it shouldn't matter since he was going to die soon, and there was no point trying to hide my secret, a lifetime of caution held me back."
["I…," I didn't know what to tell him…should I tell him the truth? Yet if I did I might lose him anyways. What was the right decision? "Kaelin, I'm afraid because I know you're going to-,"] -Edit: The comma after "I..." should be a period. Also, I would remove "anyways" from the second sentence.
[This wasn't a good sign if I didn't end this now Kaydynce would expose us all especially since a crowd had started to gather.] -Edit: Period after "sign" and a comma after "all."
[...her more vulnerable than strong like most succubus.] -Edit: I believe you want "succubus" to be plural here, which is "succubi."
Nice ending. I'm wondering how much he knows about what actually happened. It seems he knows more than he's letting on.
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 3 . 6/25/2012
[My body felt like it was on fire as he looked me over with a small smile playing across his lips] -Personal: I would change this part to read: "My body felt like it was on fire as he looked at me, a smile dancing across his lips." The second sentence after this, I would remove the comma after "used to date"
Again with checking your semi-colons: I would double check your usage and remove several of them.
[I walked away to a shaded, secluded area where I wouldn't be bothered yet someone always finds me.] -Again with a time-jump. Give her a moment or two. Describe this shady area. What are the smells, what time of day is it? Then begin a new paragraph with something like: "Yet no matter how hard you try, someone always finds you."
["Hey, why aren't you dancing with everyone else, Sweetheart?" my mom asked sitting beside me with worry in her dark eyes.] -Edit: Change "Sweetheart" to "sweetheart." Also, I've noticed you always have long speaker tags (i.e. "so-and-so said [doing this action et cetera]." I would suggest mixing it up a bit and simply having "so-and-so said" then beginning a new sentence describing the person's action or sound of their voice.
[He chased after me as I darted through the trees looking back him every once and a while to see how close he was.] -I recall you mentioning that they lived in the corner house that had a large backyard and was on the border/right beside the woods. Now would be a great time to describe those woods. Is there a gate that separates it or does their backyard just blend into the forest?
[As I stared into his eyes, I noticed them getting closer then slowly close; I couldn't comprehend at the time until it was too late.] -Personal: I feel this description needs a bit of work. Perhaps something like: "As I stared into his eyes, they grew larger until I was swallowed in them and his lips were against mine." Or even: "As I stared into his eyes, I fell into his gaze, not knowing how long it took before his lips were against mine." Just tighten up the wording a bit and make it more specific. :)
[It felt like he was a lingering part in my body that I could never purge myself of.] -I always feel weird ending a sentence with "of." Perhaps remove "myself of" if you feel it still works.
[The woods looked eerie and sinister in the starlight like anything could pop out, and I wouldn't know until it was too late.] -Personal: Change "looked" to "were." I feel you should be more direct and certain about your wording. Also, remove the comma in this sentence, it isn't needed.
[The night air grew chillier the longer I ran though it should have been the other way around.] -Personal: Toss a comma after "ran" and "though."
[I stopped and looked around myself frantically, but there was no one in sight.] -Remove
[I had never seen one though I knew they existed just like every other supernatural being.] -It would be interesting to know what other supernatural beings she knows of and exist in this world. Perhaps you could mention it earlier.
[Though they may look harmless they have the power to possess people in their anger.] -Edit: Tense is a bit mixed up here. I suggest changing it to: "Thought they looked harmless, they had the power to possess people in anger." Also, the sentence that follows, change "are" to "were."
Stopping again to talk about the actual story. I'm interested to see where you take this ghost subplot. If you haven't already, you should think about the dynamics between the supernatural beings you bring into this story. How do they function together, how often do they bump into each other, do certain types of beings dislike others? Again, you certainly have some interesting ideas here, I'd just like to see you develop them a bit more creatively while still focusing on Aislin's relationships and high school experience. This story has a great deal of potential, just continue to think out of the box and set it apart from the rest. :)
[My heart sped up in fear as I recognized this being from tales my mom used to tell me.] -Edit: Remove "in fear" since the description of her heart speeding up implies that.
Wraiths! Loving where this is going!
[wraiths do the same thing as banshees] -Edit: Change "do" to "did."
Also, I'd slow this part down a bit. The pacing's rather quick. Give us a more thorough description of the ghosts. Do they smell? Do they sound familiar? Again, what time of day is it? And lead up to the wraith appearing... is there a sudden gust of wind, does she feel a chill, do the ghosts look at it and glide away? Also, what does this wraith look like? Has he read descriptions of them before? Heard tales about them?
[When I stared at it, I noticed that it was pointing straight at me.] -Edit: Remove "that" since it's one of those filler words I was mentioning. ;)
["Please, don't go," Kaydynce pleaded, staring up at him with her big blue eyes begging him not to leave.] -I love the alliteration with "big blue eyes begging" but I would rework this sentence to read: "Please, don't go," said Kaydynce. [insert description of her body actions here] Her big blue eyes begged him no to leave.
[Her short blonde hair was mushed up like she had just woken up or other things] -Personal: I would change "mushed" to "disheveled"
[he said as he picked up his shirt from off the floor.] -Edit: Choose either "from" or "off" since using both is redundant.
[feeling guilty that he had fallen back into his old ways.] -If Aislin is seeing/dreaming this, how would she know he's feeling guilty? Instead of *saying* he's guilty, describe him *looking* guilty. Does he avoid eye contact. Is his back hunched? Try to think of what a guilty person looks like and describe those actions instead of *saying* he's guilty.
[She had acted like there was nothing between them though everyone could tell there was something there yet she wanted to ignore it.] -Edit: Remove "something there yet she wanted to ignore it" since, in my opinion, it basically just repeats what you had already narrated.
[He walked down the barely lit street with his head held low] -Edit: Instead of "barely lit" try "dimly lit" and "head held" to "head hung."
[A pale, fragile looking hand grabbed his head and tilted it to the side for better access.] -Edit: The "better access" part is a bit ambiguous. I'm unsure of what you mean here, try a different word, perhaps.
[He was about to get in his car when Kaydynce walked over to him and asked what was wrong.] You didn't follow up with this. Take a look at this paragraph again, I think you meant to remove it.
[She kissed his neck lightly trying to calm him down a bit;] -Edit: Again, how does Aislin know she's trying to calm him down? Perhaps try a different way to let the audience know she's trying to calm him.
[she let go and walked away not even taking the time to clean up her mess.] -Edit: Comma after "away."
[Tears were streaming down my face as my life seemed to crumble around me. I had changed the vision.] -Edit: I would make this a more aggressive sentence, changing it to: "Tears streamed down my face as my life seemed to crumble around me. I had changed the vision."
WICKED ending to this chapter! Again, great use of suspense. You really know how to surprise readers and keep them reading! You have some cool concepts in this, and, as always, I'm interested in reading how they flesh out.
My only problem with this last part is the italics. It's visually trying to read, and if FP allows you to insert a horizontal line between the last scene and her dream/vision/death call, it would work a great deal better.
Again, if there's anything I didn't mention that you'd like me to focus on next time, let me know!
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 2 . 6/25/2012
In the first paragraph, after "tear streaked face" you should bring the rest of the text down on its own line. Also, I forget semi-colon rules and was always a bit unsure about them, but I don't think all of the ones you are using in this first paragraph are necessary. Perhaps change the semi-colons after "how unfair this was" and "I couldn't handle it" to periods. Also, I would remove the "of course" after "I didn't get very far.
[walking toward his blue, beat-up, rusted, old pickup truck.] -Personal: This feels like a tad too much description in one line for me. Perhaps "beat-up old blue pickup truck" (I'm pretty sure you wouldn't need commas in that description, but not 100%). Then later on you could mention the rust, perhaps when he opens the door-perhaps rust falls off the side of it as he opens the door.
I love the sense of smell when she sits in the car. Adding scent is always a great way to flesh out a description; nice work with that one! Maybe you could even mention the smell of woods earlier on in the first chapter when she hugs him? Just a thought, no pressure, of course.
[I didn't know if I could handle being around him and surrounded by his scent knowing that he was going to die soon.] -Personal: I would reword this a little, just to achieve a better flow. I'd rework it to say: "I wasn't sure if I could handle being around him, surrounded by his scent, all the while knowing he was going to die soon."
[I didn't know when it would happen yet I knew death was just waiting for...] -Personal: I would place a comma after "happen" and remove "just." I find a lot of the time "just" is a filler word. I understand your narrator is young and you're trying to let her personal voice come through in the narration, however, I don't think getting rid of the filler words would detract from it. :)
[I could feel the heat from his hand through my blue blouse.] -Personal: I would change "hand" to "palm" since you use "hand" in the previous sentence. In the sentence that follows, I would change the semi-colon to a comma.
You mentioned it was her birthday in the first chapter, yeah? I would remove "somehow completely" since she *did* remember it was her birthday earlier, it was just after the Mr. Cole incident and running into O'Neil did she forget. I guess I would just try to make it clear *when* she forgot, that's all.
Love the description of the sound of his sneakers against her steps!
[looking straight at the one who had birthed me] -Interesting description here. I'm curious to know how the dynamic between banshees and their parents.
I really enjoyed the line where her mother describes banshees as "keening women." I actually wasn't familiar with that term so I'm glad to have learned a new word. Not to mention that's pretty epic that they have to witness the death of someone they know. I'd be interested in learning more about this banshee code. Perhaps, if you could work it in, it might be worthwhile to hint or mention the banshee lifestyle, I guess you'd call it, earlier on in the story.
["How am I supposed to go to school knowing that he is going to die at any moment?" I yelled,] -Personal: All right, here is a moment when I'd replace "yelled" with "said" and then *describe* her reaction. Does she clench her fists? Does her body become rigid? Does she stomp the ground? It would be a great deal more effective if you wrote "said" and then described the reaction, perhaps even including the tone of her voice.
All right, I'm gonna take a moment to stop editing and talk about the actual story. Sorry, sometimes I get in editing mode and forget to talk about the narrative. Thusfar, you have an interesting story on your hands. I don't recall ever reading about banshees outside of FP, so you definitely have an edge on some of the other stories out there. My only concern right now, is the high school setting. Now, this is merely personal preference, but most of the high school setting stories I've read (on FP and outside of), tend to adopt a similar tone. I think if you focus on the culture of banshees, especially how they function around other people, whether being a banshee is secretive or otherwise, and basically rounding out the concepts behind it, you'll be good as gold. That being said, there's still plenty of time to do that, and since I'm only on the second chapter, I'm not about to assume you won't or haven't already. :)
[I paced around the room in frustration with my hands running through my hair.] -Ah, see! This is the kind of description I mentioned earlier and works incredibly well. When I read she was running her hands through her hair, I immediately understood she was frustrated or something similar. So now, in my opinion, since her *action* indicates that, you don't need to *say* "I paced around the room in frustration." You could easily change that to: "I paced around the room, running my hands through my hair." Or even: "I paced around the room, tugging at my hair." Or, biting my lip, rubbing my forehead... just think about what you do when you're frustrated.
["She is right, you know, mother always knows best; though it may hurt at first time heals all wounds," my mom said, grabbing my wrist as I was pacing passed her and pulled me in close for a warm embrace.] -Edit: I would change the second comma to a period or a colon, the semi-colon to a period, and place a comma after "hurt." The second part of this is a tad awkward (the part following "my mom"). To help it flow better, I would rework it to say something along the lines of: "...my mom said. Grabbing my wrist, she stopped and embraced me." Sometimes shorter is better, and since we already know she's pacing, you don't need to repeat it.
[I know not very original, but it works. I might have thought it was bad now, but it only got worse as my classmates started arriving. Crap, I thought as the first of my classmates arrived, and I wasn't even ready.] -Personal: A bit of a time jump here. Perhaps have a few moments for transition would work well. Does she get ready for the party? Does she notice decorations or presents? Does she smell a cake or some dessert baking in the oven? You can totally draw it out here a bit with one or two paragraphs. Then start a new line with "I might have thought it was bad now..."
[I still wanted to look my best though so I pushed my door open and ran straight to my closet, throwing the doors open.] -Personal: This sentence feels a tad repetitive to me. I might reword it to read something like: "I still wanted to look my best, though, so I raced into my room and ran straight to the closing, throwing open the doors."
Ooo la la, I wonder how her family will feel about her sexy purple dress! Ha-ha. I guess when your mother and grandmother are banshees, they're a little more liberal in the fashion department. ;)
[I just needed to calm my nerves down.] -Personal: I would remove the word "down" from this sentence.
[I picked up my curling iron and tried not to think of all of the people that were probably downstairs by now waiting for me to make an appearance.] -Personal: Since you say "probably" I would remove the words "by now" since I feel it doesn't add much to the sentence.
[I smiled awkwardly as I walked through the crowd and felt like taps and heard happy birthdays with every person that I passed.] -Edit?: Instead of "like taps" did you mean "light taps"? Also, should "happy birthdays" should be "happy birthday's" I believe and I think you wanted "with every person" to be "from every person."
[Ugh I couldn't believe my mom had down this.] -Edit: Comma after "Ugh" and I believe you wanted "down" to be "done." :)
["Alright, Everyone, it's party time! Everyone through the backdoor and let's get this party started!" I heard my mom yell from the kitchen. The crowd rushed out of the room in a flash, dragging me along with it. I followed the crowd out into my backyard, which had been decorated with Japanese lanterns and lines of Christmas lights strung up across our patio.] -Edit: A few minor things. The first "Everyone" should be "everyone," and I would change "I followed the crowd into my backyard" to "I followed *them* into *the* backyard" in order to remove the repetition, although I'm not entirely sure if its grammatically correct. Finally, starting from "The crowd" should be on a new line.
["Yeah I know," I replied, pulling her off of me.] -Personal: I would rework this to: "Yeah, I know," I said, prying her off me.
[She gazed longingly for a moment before snapping back to reality to look at me with awe in her eyes.] -Edit: Because you've already described her as having stars in her eyes (which I loved, btw), I don't think "to look at me with awe in her eyes" is required. Cut it, and I think it'd work better.
I like how you mention the code and certain rules behind it! I'm super interested in knowing more about it and how much it restricts banshees and their interactions with others. Along that train of thought, minor person edit: I would remove the quotation marks around "against" in that paragraph, unless, of course, she's being snarky about it, which kind of works, but in my opinion, since she's eighteen, doesn't entirely fit in my mind.
["Yeah, it was amazing," I said, sarcastically hoping she would get it, but of course she was too delusion to even pay attention to the way I said it all she heard was, "It was amazing".] -Edit: I would place a comma after "sarcastically" and a period after "to the way I said it."
[but I hadn't heeded it now I had to face the one person I was trying to avoid, Kaelin.] -Edit: I would place a period after "heeded it."
Again, I apologize if I'm editing too much or if I'm coming off too strongly. This is a fun read and, as I mentioned earlier, I'm interested in how you develop the banshee culture. I hope my review was helpful and if there is anything specific you'd like me to focus on in the futu
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 6/25/2012
Teagan was always the strongest of the three of us yet for some reason I got the impression that she wasn't has strong as we had always perceived.
-Edit: I would remove "that" from this sentence since it doesn't add much, and I believe you wanted "has" to be "as."
I had a bad feeling like something horrible was going to happen
-Personal: I would remove "like."
Banshees have a knack of being beautiful women so it shouldn't surprise me that I was getting a lot more attention than last year as I had finally come of age
-Personal: I would reword the first part of this sentence since I find "knack of being beautiful" a little awkward. I would think "knack for being beautiful" sounds better, but I still think it doesn't work as well as it could. Perhaps: "Banshees were normally beautiful, so it was no surprise when I started getting more attention than last year since I had finally come of age."
I like your description of the students rushing out of the classroom for second period. I found that to be a creative description and just perfect. Nice work.
I find this scene with Mr. O'Neil a bit rushed in affection. She just escaped being practically sexually assaulted by her teacher, and suddenly she's allowing a stranger to hold her clothes (on her hips), touch her chin, and pull her into a hug. I understand she finds him attractive, but after just having escaped a situation that could have gotten ugly really quickly, I don't find her interaction with Mr. O'Neil entirely unbelievable. I think you could still have them interact kindly with each other without all the physical contact that hints, in my opinion, future romantic interest. I would consider reworking this scene.
I would also suggest taking a look at your dialogue tags and changing several of them to simply "said" as opposed to "asked, replied, chucked, et cetera." Said is less obvious, the eyes just skim over them, and that way you can focus a bit more on describing their physical reactions (body shaking with laughter or whatever the situation may warrant), sounds, textures, et cetera.
Nice ending! I wasn't expecting her first death call to be of O'Neil! Great twist there, that was awesome.
Overall, your writing's pretty solid. I would just take a look at some of your scenes and perhaps tone down the descriptions of the narrator and her friends. You don't have to describe exactly how they look right away, although I understand the need to lead up to Mr. Cole coming on to her and how attractive everyone finds them. I just think it could be toned down a bit because right now I feel you're "telling" instead of "showing." For instance, instead of saying she's beautiful, describe people walking by and starting at her lustily or something. The part where her friend flirts with the freshman was great, because it implied she was attractive and enjoyed the perks of being so.
Nice work, though, keep it up!
| motherloosegoose chapter 2 . 6/23/2012
It's so depressing to think that it's Kaelin who must die, especially if he's her true love. This chapter was great, and I love how you described Aislin's emotions when she realized what is going to happen. :)
| motherloosegoose chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
This story has promise. The plot is interesting enough, as well as the death calls. I'm curious as to how Mr. O' Neil shall die. My only recommendation would be to add more detail, since it feels like the events are happening rather quickly. Besides that, everything is fine. :)
| S. Jacks chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
The concept is interesting. Your first two sentences are enough to get me interested at the start. And cliffhangers are always an easy way to build suspense. I'm interested in seeing what exactly it means to get a death call and what that means when it happens.
The one thing I was a little disappointed in was the lack of rapport with Aislin and Kaelin before you throw him in this situation. I understand that there's suppose to be feeling there, but you haven't convinced me of it yet. I think it would be worth your time to develop the dialogue and interaction on their way from the school to the car. You said they talked, but talked about what? How did they reminisce? Is there a memorable moment in their childhood that they share? I'd really like to see it (as most of the time character interaction what pulls me into a story). Love is as much in words as it is in butterfly kisses and holding hands.
Overall, judging by the characters and world you're building, I think you have a good thing going here. It looks to be an interesting YF beginning with lots of teen drama, first loves, and coming of age situations.
| R.A. Sears chapter 4 . 5/30/2012
So tragic! Looking forward to more!
| R.A. Sears chapter 2 . 5/30/2012
A few typos here and there, but otherwise good. You've got some awesome progression going on here.
| R.A. Sears chapter 1 . 5/27/2012
LOVE that this is an idea that hasn't been done to death. I'm adding it to my community "Sultry Supernature" so it can be exposed to more people.
Like the heat between the characters, but I'm a bit confused about one thing: is everyone in your universe some flavor of paranormal other, or are there humans who're unaware of what's going on? You might explain it better in the next chapters. Guess I'll find out.
Keep up the good work!