|Reviews for Embryonic|
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 6/17/2012
Okay, you asked for a critique, so here goes. First off, I love the first line. That is beautiful. And I like the theme of the poem, too. One word of advice I heard from a writing professor of mine was never to use "the" to end a line; it's "cheating." Try to have some tension between lines. Sometimes the line breaks will come naturally and you won't have to think too much about it. If you have this up on NFA, I might drop by and show you how I'd break the lines, but it would just be a suggestion, because line breaks are a very personal thing. There are also a few cases of repetition within phrases that I'd watch out for - I think "lips between the surface and the/surface" works, but "i think i am the soft/earth that was underneath the cracked/earth" doesn't. Maybe replace one of those with dirt? Probably the first one. That way you're still keeping the same sound, but it's not so repetitive. I do think you have improved a lot in general, though, and with a few small changes, you're going to write some gorgeous poetry. :) I'll leave a few more critiques on your NFA page.
| Pocket Muse chapter 1 . 6/5/2012
gosh, i can't say that i loved this, unfortunately. the line breaks were too awkward and the parentheses were distracting. the repetition was handled very well and i did like, "slink", "contours", "bites", "notched", and "i am waiting to become/glass" in particular. some of this poem reads like stream-of-consciousness, especially the part about the hummingbird. this could be really great but for the fact that it's so...busy. it's an overload. i think it would benefit from a few stanzas, but it would be difficult to do because of the whole stream-of style. it's entirely up to you whether or not you take any of this into account. these are just my opinions.