|Reviews for Annoyance|
| Persnickety Fox chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
You might want to change the language category to English.
Spelling and grammar: [It an hour it would open...]
[Her eyes followed people she vaguely recognised from her to and from trips to work.] It might be more concise to replace "to and from trips to work" with "commute."
[Awing] I think you meant awning.
[Yet her upbringing, the urge to be nice and polite, made her stop.] I get what you mean, but the commas make it sound as if the urge describes the upbringing. But upbringings are not urges. I think "the urge" clause is better off out of the sentence.
[It wasn't a status symbol; it wasn't designed to show off how rich the owner was.] I think the second clause can be cut, since it describes the purpose of a status symbol.
["Okay, great, well, get in, tiger."] It might be better if the sentence was split in two. I imagine him pausing after "great." As it is, it makes it sound as if he's talking too fast.
[They passed by the other cars, waiting patiently for their owners to return from work or shopping or maybe an early evening meal.] Okay, it took a moment for me to get the real meaning, but because of the way the sentence is written, the cars are not the ones waiting. The people are the ones waiting. Maybe it might work better if the comma was taken away and "waiting" was replaced with "that waited?"
[she'd eaten tea]
Characterization: Why did Anne think he owned a rich's man car, anyway? It seemed like a very specific guess to me. Was there anything about him that made her jump to that conclusion?
I like that Sam is so observant and encouraging. I just felt a little cheated that I didn't get to know him better. There were little things that built up his characterization; his car, his taste in music, his take on names. But the conversation focused mainly on Anne. She's the one I got to know better while Sam didn't get a word in about himself. He was still closer to a nice stranger than an actual friend to Anne, and that felt a little off-balance, considering he just inspired her to take over the world.
To be honest, Anne wasn't my kind of character, at least not for one-shots. She was so set against disliking Sam that I got a little irritated. Sam was being optimistic on her behalf, and how does she react? She makes a face at him, slams the car door, and doesn't say goodbye or thank him for the ride.
She didn't feel guilty about it, either. It made me think that she needed to remind herself to be polite on a daily basis.
That said, I did like the way she was written. She was cautious when she needed to be, conversational when she needed to be, and she stayed consistent throughout the story. There was nothing forced about her reactions. Also, her educational background made her unique and primed her for the conversation.
Final thoughts: The dialogue flowed well, I liked the characterization, and the plot worked well for a short story. Keep up the good work!
| TonyL chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
When I started to read your story I thought you were going to write about a stalker and his prey. The constant rolling of the eyes was a bit creepy. Then I figured out where you were going with the story.
Beautifully written and very good character development. I was a bit curious to know what he did in the office.
Anyway the more I read the more I got into the story
| trilby94 chapter 1 . 5/31/2012
Your characters in this are truly brilliant. Very believable and still extremely interesting. You also got the dialogue just right! I liked how you descried the people Anne sees on her way to work every day, it kind of sets her up as an intlligent and observant person. Her voice came through clearly from the very start and this was contrasted well with Sam who we learn little about and have to almost read betwen the lines. I very much liked the story! The message was poignant and not at all patronizing so well done with that too. There isn't much I can say about this that's bad...maybe little more physical description of Anne would have been nice so we can get a clearer image. But yes,I liked it a lot :D Thanks for your review of Dreamland as well, it was really helpful.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 5/28/2012
I liked how you formed the relationship between Sam and Anne in this through their dialogue, if the theme was annoyance you did a damn fine job with it. Anne's characterization was spot-on and consistent throughout the entire story, and the ending was fabulous, really loved that. It summed everything up but also showed that Anne underwent a type of change while speaking with Sam, and that's a really great classic turn for a short story to have that, it makes everything worth it and sends a message. Loved the way that we learn more about Anne than we do Sam, she really talks more about herself even though I think she didn't intend to and I thought that was kind of realistic for her character. Also liked Sam's reactions, he was a curious type of character and though we learn a lot about the habits that he has that annoy Anne, much of his persons is still a mystery by the end, which was great. Enjoyed this, it made a great short story, you've certainly got a talent with it!
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 5/19/2012
“It an hour” – in an hour?
And that’s the only mistake I managed to pick out. You’re a much better author than me. I really like the portrayal of Anna’s character, how Sam finally managed to get a decent conversation out of her, and what he said as well. No prince charming sweeping a girl off her feet but no stalkerish guy either – well, no pervert, but still somewhat stalkerish. And there’s the whole going to uni vs. not going to uni thing there as well. It always seems a shame how many people drop out before finishing their Bachelors…but the rest of us are also a little relieved because there’s less competition for the higher masters/PhD…until we remember all the challenging students are still there. :) And the little tidbits about her family situation as well; it almost seemed to describe the transition from adolescence into adulthood…or am I reading too much into that paragraph describing Anna and her father’s stubborn streak? And throwing in the red of all colours – talk about vivid imagery. I can almost imagine her as a red-head. Did you mention her hair colour? I guess this is what happens when you type up a review an hour after reading the fic.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 5/15/2012
You know, I don't know if I've said this before or not, but I really do love your writing. It's not overly flowery, it's not too blank, it's just perfect with how much detail/information you give about the characters. And I think this short-story also shows how well you do with dialogue - no matter how many different stories you have, you always give each of your characters their own unique voice. I think dialogue is definitely one of your strongest points, which is great because I love reading dialogue when it's interesting. And I also really enjoyed the message you gradually conveyed here near the end of the story, how Anne doesn't need a degree to make a difference, how everyone can make a difference, they just gotta find the fire inside them. A very nice message.
I also liked the relationship between Anne and Sam. It was really cute, funny, and highly amusing how they bantered back and forth. I agree with your other reviewer that there's definitely room for a lot of expansion in this, especially with how you somewhat built on the relationship with her parents (most notably her father), but I also think it suits itself well being a one-chapter thing. It definitely leaves an impression on the reader when they're done reading it... and I think my favorite part was the ending when she was looking in her old yearbook.
I found one typo:
[It an hour it would open for the evening rush but right then,]
Edit: 'It' should be 'in.'
| thatsimyoutortured chapter 1 . 5/13/2012
I shall start with the criticism. I think that you misspelled, "awning." But that could just be what you call it. It happened twice, so that's what I suspect. And then there was, "after she'd eaten tea..." It should be drinking. But you must know that.
I love the amount of depth you've communicated. The characters seem so much more real and their motivations are plain. I really loved this and I wish there was more, but it works perfectly fine on its own. I'm adding this to my favorites.
And now I'm off to read the rest of your stuff. Good job!