|Reviews for man who rolls my cigarettes|
| John-the-H-is-silent chapter 1 . 7/23/2012
Damn, incredible poem. I was pulled right in by it's imagery. I love it's mixture of sensuality and starkness. And your inspiration behind it is great too.
| thisaccountisclosedthanksbye chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
For some reason I always like cigarettes more when someone else rolls them, even though my rolling is usually better.
Anyhoo, I enjoyed this poem. My favourite bit was 'You wish me a good day; pass me my cigarette, freshly-rolled', just because it seems like the most formal thing ever compared to all the porny stuff before. For some reason the contrast of all the 'begging, screaming, yielding' compared to 'You wish me a good day' just made me smile.
Nice job :)
| YFIQ chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
A nice metaphor involving cigarettes and lust. Granted it's still nothing compared to sex and alcohol but who can find a good metaphor for those?
Depraved things can sure happen.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 5/18/2012
I love your descriptions, particularly the metaphors rolled into (rolled? Lol) into the more direct wording. Like the strawberries for example; ironic that girls are normally thought to like strawberries. I wonder if you chose that fruit in particular for that reason? And it’s red. And strawberry kisses…brilliant choice. And how you snuck in the cigarette…never would have guessed it from your title.
Your word choices were somewhat odd in places. For example, at the end of the first stanza, you say: “but for that tongue. My eyes.” The “my eyes” part seems rather out of place there. Doesn’t help the flow at all. All “of” seems to me an odd way of putting it as well…but apparently that’s a consequence of Australian vs. American grammar so I’ll try to rewire my head for future references. We’d normally say “all about you” though; makes the point a little clearer there. Also: “My skin begs to be darkened by your shadow. My skin begs to be bruised beneath your body.” – considering the rest of your poem, is there a way you could avoid repeating “my skin begs to be”? Either that or split the sentence into two separate lines. Having them on the same line doesn’t work particularly well, especially since it’s so much longer than any other sentence…in my opinion at least. I think you may have overused “and” in this stanza as well:
?And, I feed you strawberries.
And, your teeth sink into them.
And, your tongue thrusts inside them.
And, you hold my gaze, viciously.”
I think you may have overused fullstops…which is rather interesting, because that’d be the first time I’ve seen it happen in a poem. But the overuse essentially gives the same effect as none at all…with a slight difference of course, owing to the fact that you have divided your lines by that extra barrier. But some pauses seem they should be weighted more than others. For example, take this stanza:
“And I hoped for a sign.
Which was foolish, of me.
A sign, a sign, a bolt of lightening would do.
That would be my cue to lean in and kiss your cruel lips.
Well, we were naked already.”
You’ve made every line end in a fullstop. In particular, the last two lines seem to bear a weighter pause than the rest. A hyphen perhaps? In the second line, you don’t need that comma. I also think you could do without the fullstop in the first line. Perhaps an ellipsis? Or nothing at all even would work. I do think you should use a colon or ellipsis after “A sigh, a sign”.
I think you’ve done a good job bringing in a more realistic depiction of what I’d call modern romance from my lectures last year...even if it's not the entire main focus. Not necessarily the tiredness thereof but the lack of deeper passion and that connection. Instead, you’ve hounded in on the physical aspects, and particularly your use of colour has served to reinforce the superficial nature of the relationship…which the cigarette ties of nicely. And the theme of nakedness somehow manages to avoid being vulgar despite the context you’ve put it in; it seems to serve as a metaphorical addition to that superficial aspect of “romance” I was talking about before. I wonder if you still call it romance when it turns into an almost physical relationship as opposed to emotional? Ahh, now you’ve got me thinking. Congratulations. (I’m not being sarcastic; If I’m still thinking about your work long after I’ve read, then it’s pretty convincing. :) Good luck with all your future works.
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 5/13/2012
Ooh, love the topic. Is it bad that I totally related to this? Hah.
I love the way the stanzas jump. They change thought a lot, but still connect in an odd sort of way. It's almost like following a pattern of thought in a very realistic way.
You did interesting things with the image of the burning cigarette. It's connected to the title, and also the last line is the summary, so I knew the whole time that image was the most important, but you pulled in so many others in the body of the poem that it sort of came back at the end. I'm not sure if I'm describing that right...but I liked it.
Some images I liked:
[I forgot all of you, stranger,/but for that tongue.] Such a great detail.
[That would be my cue to lean in and kiss your cruel lips./
Well, we were naked already.] I love the letdown. It also has some interesting emotions tied into it.
[And, beneath you I am begging, screaming, yielding...] This whole stanza was great, particularly the transition into it. It had a completely different feel that still fit into the rest of the piece.
I really loved this piece! It has a feel of a first draft to it and I definitely feel like you could clean it up in the sense of tightening some wording, strengthening the images, etc., but it's something that will stick with me and is definitely going on my favorites :)