|Reviews for I See You|
| isadonicus chapter 1 . 6/26/2012
good story but poor grandmother boo hoo!
| DewleafWolf chapter 1 . 5/17/2012
Haha, wasn't expecting THAT ending! The only thing I think you have a problem with is sentence structure. There were several errors in sentence structure, but here is one: subject usage. Very hard to explain, but here is one example:
"I" is the subject in the sentence, "I spotted my room and unlocked the door, creaking as it was pushed open." Now, "door" is part of the first statement using the subject "I", "I spotted my room and unlocked door." If you separate that from the second statement, "creaking as it was pushed open," you need a subject for it to make sense, right? But your subject is "I". "I creaking as it was pushed open" makes no sense. Therefore, it could be "I spotted my room and unlocked the door, the hinges creaking as the door was pushed open." "the hinges" creates a second subject. Now, separate them again. They make sense.
See, very subtle and slight, but without the correction, it makes no sense in ther reader's head.
Secondly, the storyline was good, but there was no suspense, y'know? I like the ending, but that was the only good twist. Perhaps the reception desk woman could have not explained the death thing. The main character would hear the breathing and piano and see the room. The main character could have found a newspaper article in the hallway, or in a room, containing the declaration of the girl's death. Then maybe she could look into the room, being even more curious now that she knows the situation. After seeing red, she could go ask the lady about it, leading to that twist in the end. Don't change your story, this is just an example of how I would suspensefully lay out a death plot like this.
It was a good story, but these problems made it distracting while reading. Hope I helped, and I hope I didn't sound too pushy!
| Heiwa no Hato chapter 1 . 5/15/2012
I've heard several variations of this story, but I liked this one. It's more...realistic.
| thetabbykitteh chapter 1 . 5/15/2012
Good horror story.