|Reviews for The Church|
| ConverseAllStar chapter 3 . 5/29/2012
So, Don't know if you know this, but 'echelon' is a real word. There are many definitions, but none that I think you would be playing off of...maybe a subdivision of headquarters.
Moving on. "We merge into buildings again, looking ghostly at us, with empty eyes." That didn't quite make a coherent sentence for me. Maybe something like "We merge into the buildings stare at us with ghostly and empty eyes." IMHOP
There are some punctuation errors, make sure you know where to put commas, also know when to use a colon/semicolon.
second to last sentence "He hesitates a moment. But, in a flash it's gone, replaced by his usual confident look." I would use a comma after 'moment' and remove the one after 'but', make it all one sentence.
| ConverseAllStar chapter 2 . 5/25/2012
The chapters are kind of short, but it is a good concept. There is a sentence at the end that I especially took notice of, "As we come to a stop, before it." I think you could combine it with the previous sentence with a comma and it would be better. Also, you might want to specify that said 'it' is a door:)
| ConverseAllStar chapter 1 . 5/23/2012
Interesting. You have my attention, and now I guess I'll have to read the rest of it;) There are some grammatical mistakes, and places such as where she is talking to herself, it switches from "I landed on something soft," to "So you didn't break anything" I think it kwould be better if you chose whether to use 'I' or 'You' and stick with it. Sounds like a good idea, though, so continue.