|Reviews for The Simulation|
| Amber Panda chapter 4 . 8/31/2012
so their like five years old in the memory right? there is no possible way for a child to explain a color like that unless their a freaking genius. there are adults who cant even tell colors like that.
2. kids dont talk like that at all. they wouldnt even know what boyfriend and girlfriend are. i suggest changing their age in the memory or go back and fix their wording.
3. norther lights and a warm bath river. unlikely unless their was a hot spring nearby. discription of the land is good cause i cant figure out where in the world is carmon sandiago. combinations of land dont work that well.
more background discriptions and how characters get from point a to point b
5. the soap sounds like a bad idea. the sent would be too overpowering and would attract enimies. not a smart move if they were tying to stay hidden.
6. i dont think glass would make a spark by getting cut by a super sharp katana
7. nice suspenceful ending
| Amber Panda chapter 3 . 8/21/2012
if she's laying on her katana then wouldn't it be cuting her?
nothing like a psycotic voice to tell you what to do, huh? one word for that: scitzo.
you really need more discription. describe what she sees, put yourself in the characters shoes and show it from their pov. otherwise you're missing lots of information that can clear a readers mind.
that was a nice way to end the chapter. i feel a memory chapter coming up. just dont forget to add discription.
| Amber Panda chapter 2 . 8/21/2012
be nice and listen to your big sister's responce this time:
you do realize that 'sent' and 'smell' are the same thing, right?
'lied' doesn't seem to flow to well, try using 'lay' it just sounds better.
now i'm confused. the whole part about discovering the bodies, is that supposed to be a memory? if so then i recommend changing the font to show that, or use italics to show that she's in a thought or memory. if not then don't worry about it. there seems to be a problem with flows. it just doesnt seem to flow together. it's kinda bouncy. it's all and all not a bad idea it just needs work.
| Amber Panda chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
Geeze, some of these reveiws have been harsh. But I still have to agree with them. Your ideas bounce too quickly. You chose to throw the reader into the plot line with no explination and expect them to know what's going on. Sure, it's fun as a writer to mess with your audience, but only if things are understood in the end. As long as you plan to give an explination so it makes a complete circle, which can be a pain in the ass by itself, it should be fine in the end. But the way you started, it's just too much too fast. Writing is a lot like cooking, some things need to bake low and slow before it gets overcooked. If you bake it too fast, it's gonna burn. And with the way you're going, it's on a burning path. You're speeding and this is a ticket. :P
| not Ross chapter 1 . 5/26/2012
I disagree with the previous review. I actually read every word instead of having to skim through a bunch of info-dumping at the beginning! The beginning was a tad melodramatic/cliched (sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart these days) talking about blood all over, but I get that it's supposed to set the mood and all that. Just so long as you tactfully explain a bit of the history behind this exchange in the next chapter, and provide us with a little bit of setting, I don't think you have anything to worry about! You came in late and left early, just like the pros tell you to do, but not too late and not too early.
| Archer28 chapter 1 . 5/26/2012
Ok, I realize you were trying to do a whole start I right in the middle thing, but it didn't really work. There was just way to much that happened and no explanation. I would suggest and doing some sort of intro to the beginning, or at least a bit more explaining. Not a bad concept, but it really seemed to need a little more to me