Reviews for Goodbye, Blue Sky
J.Kuzzey chapter 11 . 8/3/2012
Things are about to get real. I loved the little commentary added during his speech, it was hilarious. I have a tendency to do that when watching things, too, so it made me laugh. It certainly seems as though the scale of how evil these people can be is about to widened dramatically. But now the question is: how will this little group of fighters stand up against it? I can't wait to find out.
J.Kuzzey chapter 10 . 8/2/2012
Nice way to begin this chapter. That bit of dialogue about the clock is so... deep? Philosophical? Can't quite think of the right way to describe it, but its heavy. I'm starting to really like the May/Andrei dynamic duo you've created, and I like that we're getting a chance to dive a bit deeper into this group. The characters are moving the plot along on their own.
J.Kuzzey chapter 9 . 8/2/2012
"You stole caviar?"

"I requisitioned it for the resistance."

You write some very witty dialogue. I love it. This isn't the only example; I feel like the group dynamic and how they play off each other in terms of dialogue is just amazing.

I really like that we get to see Alex's point of view, too. It's showing us the opposite camp's perspective, and that makes everything a bit more relatable.

"Overhead, the stars smile, as if nothing's ever changed down here, in the world below." Great imagery. And that little poem-esque deal at the end was pretty awesome and noticed it referenced worms much like Alex's, uh.. nickname haha. I've noticed a few music references (earlier was a Green Day reference, I think; and I believe there was a Pink Floyd reference in this chapter). I love stuff like that.
J.Kuzzey chapter 8 . 8/2/2012
Wow, both sides are painted as being ruthless in this chapter. Perhaps not as a whole, but there are certainly elements inside the groups that are. This was a solid chapter; I liked how May pretty much just lives her life and has that "Not going to worry about what I can't change" attitude. Tough spot you put the brothers in, since it looks like they both think the other is dead.
J.Kuzzey chapter 7 . 8/2/2012
Kai made himself out to be quite the badass, didn't he? Excited to learn a bit more about him. An insane move by Andrei to snatch the flag and I loved how gung-ho May is. This would be one chapter where a bit more detail would help draw us in more. Particularly right when they are about to grab the flag or when they get caught. It's still written well enough that I'm moving toward the edge of my seat, but just a little extra would send me over.
J.Kuzzey chapter 6 . 8/2/2012
Oh, man, Andrei -or should I say, Sunshine? - just got tossed right into the fire. First night, first mission! I kind of like how this world is being unfolded as the story unfolds. Instead of saying "Here's a map of the world!" we're learning about it as the plot progresses; since we don't know everything, we want to learn everything, so that's a big reason to keep reading. But I feel like the plot is moving too far forward without establishing a bit more of the world.

Finding that balance - between exposing too much and telling too little - can be tough to find. Its still the very early stages of the story, though, so I'm not worried.

Also, I got a good laugh from:"Wait. Are you a – "

"Yeah." She walks up closer to me. "Yeah, I am." She suddenly slams me into the wall behind. "You gotta problem with that, asshole?"

Golden.

Only mistake I noticed was: "He's about _'s age."
J.Kuzzey chapter 5 . 8/2/2012
Let me just start by saying that I loved this: "We walk for what seems like ages, weaving through alleys, dark narrow gaps between buildings, diving deeper and deeper into the heart of the city. Every once in a while a space of ruins opens up on one side, throwing us into moonlight. The landscape is like a sleepwalk, or a dream, and I want to look around more. But I don't dare."

I feel like that really painted a picture for me, and not just in a visual sense. I could feel myself there.

Secondly, between this chapter and chapter 4, I really feel myself being pulled in. It's quite a bombshell that his father was killed by the Reapers, but his brother Alex was mentioned to be a Reaper... I think Andrei is getting himself into some serious business, hopefully he's ready for it.

On a technical note, I'm not seeing an dramatically obvious errors. Your paragraphs are split up nicely and I'm never going, "Who is talking now?" Everything flows great!
J.Kuzzey chapter 3 . 8/2/2012
Dang those two do not get along, do they? I'm really curious to see if we dive into what divides them, because it seems to be much more than sibling rivalry. Great job really getting into Andrei's mind as things happen. I like the way his thoughts give us a more personalized look into how he views each situation. You bring his personality right to the forefront and allow it to guide the story, which is excellent.
J.Kuzzey chapter 2 . 8/2/2012
These first two chapters do a good job of pulling me in. I'm sure you get a lot of complaints about there not being enough detail... Certainly for the previous chapter, it works perfectly to grab the readers attention. In this particular chapter, it isn't bothersome. I feel like its a stylistic choice, or the voice of the story. I think you do a good job of focusing on what's important, like what exactly the narrator is thinking or feeling.

I seem to use commas a lot, and I think you might as well. For example: "It bothers me, that I can't see their faces." I'm assuming this is part of the "voice" of the narrator rather than a grammar error, though. I'm certainly interested in this world you seem to be creating.
MysteriousFire chapter 1 . 8/2/2012
This chapter gives me shivers.
It's a good beginning! I already can't wait to continue reading.
You have a beautiful way of describing things.
R.A.Gallagher chapter 9 . 7/26/2012
Hi, I'm back with another review! Again, there were some typos and some slightly confusing wording but they were all very minor.
" 'We're gonna to rescue you. For sure.' " The "gonna to" was confusing. Did you meant to put 'going to'?
"Ivanov. 'What are you doing here.' " Shouldn't there be a question mark following "here"?
"The sound of it hitting the ground echoes through my mind." A bit confusing, so maybe put 'him' or 'his body' instead of "it"?
" 'Huh, I didn't know he had that much energy left in him.' Ivanov laughs 'Good job.' " There needs to be a period after laughs.
"Once, I remember, you would see the city skyline from here." Maybe change the "would" to 'could'? That might make the sentence a bit easier to understand.
Anyway, that's all. Enough of me being nitpicky. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm being to critical. So, I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm getting more and more pulled into the story with every word I read. It's becoming increasingy hard to actually stop reading and attempt to get some sleep XD! And I'm becoming more curious. What is The Wall? What happened during The Blackout? What exactly are the foxes and what are they trying to accomplish? And what exactly are the Reapers and why are they so scary? Plus the song/poem at the end of the chapter...I may as well become a cat right now because the curiosity is killing me so much. But hopefully satisfaction will bring me back. (Sorry for the lame reference, but I couldn't help it.) Lastly, is that a reference to Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall that I saw?
R.A.Gallagher chapter 4 . 7/25/2012
I'm loving the story so far! It keeps grabbing my attention over and over again and I don't want to stop reading it. I did notice a few minor mistakes in this chapter, though.
"I wave at one of standard bearers." You forgot to put 'the' before "standard." "He looks he wants to say something, but doesn't." 'Like' needs to be inserted after "looks." "I raise my head and look at him. A concerned look on his face." You might want to put 'is' after "look" or insert 'I see' or something like that at the beginning of the sentence.
There was nothing major, though, so it didn't take away from the story at all. Also, I loved the Green Day reference you threw in there. And I'm seriously wondering if you're making some of this sound like WWII on purpose...Anyway, until next time.
R.A.G.
ChocoBomb chapter 6 . 7/22/2012
Okay. Hey. This is pretty awesome, you know. I love the title. Some people *like me... a-hem* can't think of great titles, but this one caught my eye. Then I read the summary. Of course I clicked on the story. Really great stuff. And, yeah... everyone says that. Still, I'll be reading it and following you. I can't wait until you post again.
R.A.Gallagher chapter 1 . 7/21/2012
VERY intriguing first chapter! I love your writing style and how it sort of reads like non-rhyming poetry at times. I saw in other reviews how people say you should add more detail and that would probably help, yet at the same time the lack of some detail helps to give the story a more mysterious feel and leaves more to the imagination for the reader. I personally like that mysterious feel.
I'm most definitely going to keep reading this and I can't wait to read more!
Jolly Rogers chapter 6 . 7/19/2012
Wow... I know you probably get praised far too much for this story and I don't want to continue the circle jerk, but this is good stuff. Like, REALLY quality stuff. The characterization, the dialogue, the flow, the sense of mystery... you, sir, are a very strong writer.

You are without a doubt good... but you know what would make you great? A bite more detail.

Yeah I know you said you get a lot of flak about this and in a lot of ways I do see the lack of detail as a stylistic choice but believe me you can add a bit more meat to your prose without weighing down the flow. If you feel like you don't know how to add detail right than look into novels that are good at it.

Are you looking to write professionally? I don't say this lightly but I really think the lack of detail in your otherwise stellar style could be the difference between serious consideration for getting published or not.
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