|Reviews for Voyage to the Border|
| TinfoilKnight chapter 3 . 6/6/2012
"I almost thought you were dead, seeing as your pulse was so low at first." Wait, what? Checking pulses is kind of a human thing. Ever seen a dog check somebody's pulse? I don't care how smart these warrahs are, foxes just don't do that kind of thing. If you want us to believe they're warrahs, they have to behave like warrahs, not human minds transplanted into warrah bodies.
Oops, dangling participial - "I nipped at the hind feathers of my chosen bird, her wings flapping defensively, but it was futile." Because 'her wings flapping defensively' doesn't have a subject of its own, it takes on the subject of the sentence. A correct sentence with a participial looks like this: "The bird tried to escape, squawking in fear, but I cuaght it anyway." In addition, 'but it was futile' refers to nipping at the bird in this sentence, not the bird flapping its wings. (I assume you meant it to refer to the bird?) Try this sentence instead: "I nipped at the hind feathers of my chosen bird; her wings flapped defensively, but it was futile."
Uh... Yeah. That's all I've got. Nice job! Keep writing! :)
(This is TinfoilKnight, in case my account signed out while I was writing this review.)
| TinfoilKnight chapter 2 . 6/6/2012
Good decision to have the humans capture Turbati. It's just the right direction to move the plot in.
Your description is very vivid, and I love it. But I feel like it could be better if you focused on certain details and tweaked the sentence structure. Here are a couple examples:
"I was sprayed with saltwater mist as the howling winds blew my fur in different directions." The main problem here's the passive voice. There are times where passive voice is useful, but this sentence isn't one of them - the topic of the sentence is the howling winds, not 'I,' so the winds should be the subject. "The howling winds sprayed me with seawater as they blew my fur in different directions." And a note about 'as' - only use it when there's a direct relationship between the two phrases, because it tends to imply cause-effect. (Fear gripped my heart as I touched her wrist and felt no pulse.) I'd use 'and': "The howling winds blew my fur in different directions and sprayed me with seawater."
"I was lulled by the loud weather, but suddenly snapped out of the stupor when..." Word choice is off, I think. Quiet music lulls you into a stupor, not thunder. And besides, 'lulled into a stupor' is vague and doesn't provide a concrete image.
"I was dragged out of the water, presumably by Turbati." This is the sort of sentence you want to emphasize, and passive voice has the opposite effect. "The warrah dragged me out of the water." No fuss. Start from there.
"...the rain came down noticeably harder." No. Too vague. You describe it in the next sentence, more won't hurt - "... the rain began to hammer down" or "...icy drops of rain began to pelt my fur" or something like that.
"I was about to be restricted further by the human female's net..." Dude, this provides no image at all. The passive voice in here just makes it awkward to imagine. Add something concrete! "The human female's net began to lower over my head..."
In general, just stay away from passive voice (If possible. Sometimes you just have to use it, though, and sometimes it just looks better.) and focus on concrete images to help the readers really see what you're describing. I love what you've got so far! The description of the human from a warrah perspective made me laugh. :)
| TinfoilKnight chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
...So warrahs are basically wolves. Are they just earth wolves and that's what they call themselves, or are they a different species?
Good first chapter - I like that you introduced the central conflict right in the beginning, instead of taking forever to introduce every damn character.
However, I would avoid the whole dream thing. How many dreams do you have that are actually meaningful? That make any sense at all? Showing your character's past in a dream is meant to gain your readers' interest, but it never actually does. If you want your readers to be interested in your character's past or feel sorry for him, you drop hints and don't reveal everything at once. Dreams supposedly do the same thing, but the second your character's ex appears in a dream with some humans, we know exactly what happened.
And dreams are cliched. Giving your character nightmares flattens him into a cardboard cutout; there are so many main characters with nightmares that yours will just blend into the rest of them.
I liked it other than that. Uh... some people aren't quite as animal oriented as you, like me, so... Could you describe what a magellanic penguin looks like? 'Cause I have no idea, and neither does anybody else in the audience. D: