|Reviews for Forbidden World|
| NatAngel Dark Wings chapter 15 . 10/13/2012
Oh pleas poste the next chapter soon this was just getting good :) keep up the great work ;D
| Valerie Morgan chapter 9 . 9/23/2012
Good stuff so far :) I'll read the rest when it isn't quite so late at night is Aus.
| Dotpoint chapter 1 . 9/18/2012
| Serpent Tailed Angel chapter 8 . 6/15/2012
Oh. The mom's just a... yeah. Well, it's good to know she's got one good parent. Too bad he's against the vampires.
| Serpent Tailed Angel chapter 5 . 6/15/2012
That surprised me. How did her mom know where she'd been? Or was she just mad about missing school...?
| Serpent Tailed Angel chapter 4 . 6/15/2012
It's a nice touch that he seems as curious as she does. It makes him seem more... well, he's not human so I guess that isn't the right word. It makes him seem less all knowing. That obnoxiously common among other races in fantasy settings.
| Serpent Tailed Angel chapter 2 . 6/15/2012
This is a really interesting world you've created, but you're going through the exposition too fast. It feels like there are some details you're going in depth on and others you just glimpse over.
| Unicornswag chapter 9 . 6/14/2012
love the story and love Hana!
| CupCake34 chapter 1 . 6/1/2012
Hello there! Great start! I like the idea you have! I found some mistakes though, and I would love to correct them for you!:) Remember, they're just my suggestions! You don't have to change anything if you don't want to!
What you have written- what you might want to change it to. (reasons why)
I ran out of the diningroom, Sissy staring apologetically after me.-I ran out of the dining room as Sissy stared apologetically after me. (Dining room is two words. The word staring is used here as present tense when you just used past tense)
As I ran outside, tears streaking down my face- As I ran outside, tears streaked down my face. (Again, the verb needs to be changed to past tense)
Its different than the others- It's different than the others. (It's it is)
...like every morning, and we cut and dyed it. - like ever morning, we cut and dyed it. (the 'and' doesn't make sense being there)
Its was one of me and Kali's best works.- It was one of our best works. (Get rid of the 's' on Its. I think it flows better without mentioning the names)
eyes, also medium blue and their color always seemed to pop no matter what I wore.- I got a little confused reading this sentence. Maybe read through and edit it?
You may want to do some research on active and passive voice to further improve your writing!
*Hi! I like the idea behind this piece! There are a few errors that you made, and I probably didn't catch them all. I would strongly advise going back and fixing the errors!I hope my comments help you! Your writing has great potential, which is awesome! Good job!