|Reviews for The Armageddon Scrolls|
| Dwynwen chapter 28 . 11/17
Sometimes dreams do come true... Ouch. The idea that Quentin might have sacrificed his own brother by accident is heartbreaking.
(Lothar inspired by Anduin Lothar, perchance?)
'An honest idiot' is a good way to describe Charming - at least from Vanessa's perspective.
| Tharis chapter 15 . 10/11
Did you change the name from the Cloak of Sasha to the Bereavement to the Desolation?
| Dwynwen chapter 27 . 7/31/2013
So basically I screwed up before I was even born - Yup, Vincent, you did.
Don't you feel anything for the people your undead are killing now? How can you lead them with a good conscience, knowing all the suffering you've caused now? - That's actually a good question.
Nixia's innocence is scary.
I know Wan Ting was the one who killed my parents. - What?
I just don't swagger around flaunting my power the way men always seem to do - She's actually got a pretty good point. Wan Ting, the Fool. Richard Gear, the Angel, Jack Black, Illexmann and even Vincent do flaunt their power.
A very touching end to another brilliant chapter!
| Dwynwen chapter 26 . 6/21/2013
Richard Gear, despite his prematurely greying hair, had been born with a youthful, benevolent smile and boyish good looks that had stayed with him faithfully through the years and seemed like they would be with him to the end of his days. - Hmm. I can't imagine who this reminds me of!
"This guy's completely barmy…I mean, crazy," whispered Will. "But I kinda like that." - So do I!
The demon has no humanity and no capacity for reason. - No, it doesn't. But isn't that the point of demons?
Chill, brother," said Will reassuring. "It's not what you're thinking. - Why? What was Vincent thinking?
"You created yourself. You are Sarragin Vich, reborn. Vincent…You are your father." - Oh my gosh. I did not see that coming. FANTASTIC!
And THAT sounds like Sarragin Vich's voice! It's strange...Sarragin sounds like a wise and knowledgeable man whereas Vincent...is not. They're so different, yet they're so alike. Is that what you intended?
| Dwynwen chapter 25 . 6/14/2013
A Song of Light and Shadow - Inspired by A Song of Ice and Fire, perchance?
It's a mark of respect where we protect our eyes from the brightness of your transcendent form - ...Wow. I get the feeling Charming's a little embarrassed.
I accept King Righteous as my ruler. He is a great man. - Judging by what you've told me, I consider those words very ironic.
I don't see why you're so scared of them. I was only trying to heal you. - Nixia is very innocent, isn't she?
The hair that streamed down her bare shoulders was red as the ardent flames of desire. The necromancer could not help but be moved by her beauty. - Once again, great description!
It had never occurred to him that Eva's affections would extend to others besides himself. - That doesn't surprise me.
I am most attuned to the facet of Desire - Obviously!
The part about Vincent scarring himself is actually true.
| Dwynwen chapter 24 . 5/9/2013
Charming's alive! Yes!
"Who was that woman, Charming? You knew her?" Prince Charming's eyes filled with bitterness. "I thought I did. - OUCH.
I really, really like Eric. Can't wait to find out what his secret is.
Nixia's faith in Wan Ting is...scary, to be honest.
For twenty years, she had served under the magician genius, who, despite his occasional quirks, had never been truly vulnerable. Vincent's weakness was intoxicating to her. - She sounds completely infatuated.
Let's hope Wan Ting doesn't return.
| Complex Variable chapter 3 . 4/30/2013
Hmm... Starting this chapter off with dialogue feels a bit too sudden of a transition, IMO. If I were you, I would establish the "later that night" setting with a sentence or two about the setting, then the dialogue.
I mean, ["You should be sleeping," Eric chided, as he entered the prince's tent later that night. ] feels kind of like it's written backwards, you know?
[ Dressed in white linen, the soft white light that glowed from the prince as he made the preparations for his guest caused an involuntary gasp from Eric as the former turned colourless eyes toward the latter.] - - - Messy phrasing. The [Dressed in white linen] just dangles uselessly off the beginning of this poor, slightly-overwrought sentence. There are more curt, elegant ways of saying that PC is effectively a human glow-stick.
[The knight walked in. "There's a long march ahead tomorrow."] - - - Déjà vu. O.o
["Fire away, my prince."] - - - Weird. [Fire away] is a very informal idiom, whereas "my prince" is a very formal idiom. They don't really mix—at least, as I see it. :3
[bubbled in playful protest,] - - - Don't need that comma.
This is just me being bitchy, but, I think you could have a more elegant section break than [BREAK]. xD
["Look at me! White as snow! This isn't me. This is something else entirely. I am not this person. Why am I awake at night? The truth is, I couldn't sleep. Do you know how hard it is to sleep when light shines out from under your skin?"] - - - I feel like you should punctuate this line of dialogue with narrations of PC's motions, body language, and expressions, etc.
[Prince Charming shook his head. "You misunderstand me. I'm glad I'm alive. But coming back to life means I've already failed once, haven't I?] - - - I would but the "Prince Charming shook his head" AFTER "haven't I?"
"Worth it."] - - - Keep these in one line, in one set of quotes; new lines mean new speakers, and that's not the case here.
There could be more descriptions of the army traveling, and of the landscape, etc. I get that it's hot and sunny, but, that really doesn't satisfy me, you know? I mean, you give more description of the refugees than of the army. x3
[The Ghost Council had hinted most unsubtly that numbered among the Deathly Powers was one that the prince dared not face.] - - - Awkwardly phrased.
[Return to your humble demesnes] - - - Bad use of the word "demesnes". Used in the archaic sense, it would be correctly placed here, but, the overall language you've used so far is much too modern to allow for that meaning. Thus, "demesnes" has its contemporary meaning here, which refers to landed estates. And, I shouldn't need to tell you: peasants don't have estates. xD
Okay, so, I have mixed feelings about this chapter, especially the first half of it. I like that you're investing the time to develop PC's character like this, however, it feels to sudden, happening where and when that it does—and for several reasons. 1) Since the conflicts that developed PC from his initial state occurred in TBN (and since that work is currently in limbo), treating this as a "stand alone" feels awkward; even taking it as a sequel, it feel like you're assuming that the reader has more exposure/knowledge of this character than they do if they just read this story, and not its predecessor. 2) Scene-wise, the sincerity and "closeness" of the scene with Erica and the Prince feel too sudden of a departure from the tongue-in-cheek mode of the previous chapters; it doesn't feel believable. Maybe putting the first half of this chapter BEFORE the declaration of war would work, or, putting it off 'till later in the story, when the "I'm-not-really-a-savior" guilt builds up to critical levels in PC.
Also, mysterious ending, much: [That night, one of the soldiers felt around his neck to realise that the lock of hair his lover had given him had disappeared. Despairingly, he spent a sleepless night turning over every inch of his backpack, even going so far as to retrace his steps around the darkened camp. He gave up the search at last in the morning.] :o
| Complex Variable chapter 2 . 4/28/2013
Haldoo! It's been a while. Hopefully, by now, you've gotten all your plot re-working straightened out.;)
Anyways, on with the review! :D
[common Republican soldier] - - - I think "common soldier" works just fine.
[How would he now tell them about the truths he had learned in the chamber of skulls?] - - - This could be phrased more cleanly. Especially "How would he now tell them".
[He was met only with an expectant silence] - - - 1) This should be a new paragraph. Try to keep your dialogue tags and your narration as separate as possible. It feels very congested when you don't. 2) I would do "He was met by an expectant silence".
[I don't remember going anywhere, but it appears that I have returned."] - - - Why not "It seems I have returned, but I don't remember going anywhere." ? Then, you could change B, K, and J's line from "From the dead!" to "You were dead!"
[answered Prince Charming, shouting the crowd down] - - - I think "the prince answered, shouting the crowd down." sounds better. :3
[had contributed personally to his revival. That knowledge only made their love for him greater than ever.] - - - "had personally contributed to his revival. That knowledge only made them love him more." Be careful. I see quite a few passages like this where you use more words than are necessary. Keep your eyes out for this sort of thing. While you edit, look for spots such as this where the prose grows twisted, and clarify and detangle them. It'll make the read much smoother.
["But in the depths of the earth ] - - - I would get rid of "But".
[Deathly Powers gather, to despoil our homes and fields. ] - - - the comma isn't necessary.
[The prince's declaration was met with ragged cheers, most of which subsided into uncertain murmurs. What did the prince mean?] - - - After reading over PC's speech, I don't think you should have this break in the middle of it. It messes up the flow—it pulls me out of the speech, when I should be feeling like a member of the crowd as I read it, completely immersed in PC's words.
[The resultant roar that was torn from the throats of each and every man on the filed seemed to shake the very hills. Every single heart was on fire, lit by the passion of Prince Charming's fiery oration.] - - - Do not use "fire" and "fiery" in the same sentence. xD Also, the first sentence needs to be re-worded; it's awkward.
[The unbound zombie staggered to its feet. Suddenly free of its restraints, it clawed fitfully at the slack metal chains around its neck. The sun's light seemed to recoil from the unnatural rcreature. This was darkness walking in broad daylight.] - - - Niiiiiiice. :)
[started Jacob in a low voice.] - - - xD No. Fix this. :3
[Clear, radiant eyes of] - - - "The clear, radiant eyes of"
["Rest in peace."] - - - I would put this AFTER the passage [The zombie's head]. I like the sense of closure it gives the scene.
[The prince knew that the blow he had struck was far more than a mere sword stroke. ] - - - Untwist this sentence.
All in all, nice. The prince's speech was quite good. I do think that his soldiers' comically rambunctious demeanor is a bit mismatched with the mood of the scene, and of PC himself. I know you're going for the humor angle, it's just that it feels a little forced, as is, as if the soldiers aren't taking their own story seriously.
Also, I notice that your descriptions are clustered near the beginning and end of the chapter, with little in between. It's just noticeable enough to feel awkward—but only a bit. Making PC's speech more unified—removing the interruptions—might help to make me forget that this descriptive vacuum occurs.
Also, also: what's the current status of "The Baby Necromancer"? :3
| Silent Radioactivity chapter 5 . 4/25/2013
This really reminds me if WarCraft, especially with that tower. Was necromancers name Medivh? xD
In any case, I love the way you described the clash of these two powerful beings, and emotions that Eva felt are really believable.
Well, seems like I'm much more serious than the last time I reviewed your chapters xD
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 12 . 2/23/2013
So here is Wan Ting himself. (I still can't get over how his name sounds like "wanting"). Turns out he's the aristocratic villain type who at least acts like he's civil and cares deeply for others... but in Nixia's case the affections is probably genuine. Anyway, Nixia is a pretty neat villainess with her deadly, enthralling beauty and aromas and she has a killer army of skeletons on top of that. She'll make a great enemy for Prince Charming to contend with!
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 11 . 1/18/2013
Typically guys like the Ghost Council use all kinds of lies and illusions to deceive the good guy, but if what Charming says is true then the Ghost Council's messages are to be believed after all. The royal famlily is in serious flux right now and Charming had better find a solution quick!
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 10 . 1/8/2013
That Vermillion Angel is one tough dude. Interesting to see a horde of vermin as the invading army instead of zombies, demons, orcs, or other common foes and I appreciate that innovation. The Angel is a tricky one... he commands millions of tiny, deadly agents so it would be tough to protect a frail old woman from that! The Angel just had to sneak a few deadly spiders onto the Queen to get the job done. What will the good guys do now that their regent is dead?
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 9 . 12/29/2012
The other Deathly Powers are bound to be furious that Jack White revealed so much! Still, those other bad guys are bound to test Prince Charming and his army to the limit and I'm eager to see what kind of powers they have. And I wonder what Vincent's next move will be?
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 9 . 12/21/2012
Well, I guess this will be my last and only review for the night. Getting rather drowsy here right now. Firstly, just a few corrections to note:
Correction: Temporarily overwhelmed
Note: Tense inconsistency plus I'm not too sure about the actual past tense, hence me using an alternative term.
[like a praying mantis trying to stop an oncoming car]
Correction: like a praying mantis trying to stop an oncoming [cart]
Note: This is one of the biggest dangers in literal translation. As I've learnt via experience, you can never translate a foreign statement into English word by word. Unless you want to tell me that cars do exist in your world, but I believe it to be not since steam technology shouldn't be that advanced anyway.
Now, onto the overall picture. Firstly, while I like the way you played about with the basics of Sun Tzu's Art of War in terms of organisation and assault, I think you could have portrayed the picture clearly. At least let the readers know why the machine ended up in the wrong direction because using the miracle card will come across as a pointless deu ex machina here. That plus I got quite a bit lost on what should be the original plan since the success was supposedly conceived by a sudden screw up. This is the only beef I have here.
Of course, I do like the way you decided to play a balls-to-the-wall front pertaining to Prince Charming's hare brained plan apart from the most obvious. Interestingly enough, none of his Champions actually bit the dust, which means they must have been absurdly powerful compared to the rest. Of course this would have created a straight out have vs have not scenario, so I'll be interested to see how you planned out everything here since this is the exact concept I'm having for A Ranger's Tale.
On the duel against Jack, I think while the hardcore in me would have wished for a drawn out fight, I'll have to admit that it won't be probable anyway since this isn't about a fair one on one duel so famously extolled by the worshipers of knightly chivalry. In a very real sense, you did well here since realism in this kind of thing can be really hard unless you can set down the specific rules of honour so as to speak. And yes, the whole choreography do seem quite realistic as well. That is apart from a lopsided focus on the enemy's causalities.
As for Redemption, I assume that it can only be activated through both swords wielded together. But nevertheless, it seems pretty much interesting to see that a weapon capable of gifting even the most rotten of sinners that bail-out-for-free card being a target for corruption/destruction. Apparently, it means that there are things far more valuable than an eternity of peace unto such an extent that an eternal in hell would be deemed as a preferable fate.
On Jack's pain and fate, I'm not too sure whether it's my fatigue or otherwise, but I don't really feel anything for him. Perhaps it might be down to him getting that mercy way too cheaply albeit I can see the Christian aspect of salvation in the whole thing. In fact when I see God's name, I'm wondering whether this very plot has something to do with the actual God of Christianity. The whole thing do seem quite a tad too close for comfort if we're talking about the fairly uptight along the stereotypical rednecks.
And yeah, the part where Prince Charming kicked Jack down seemed way funnier than whatever you're expecting. I know I sound twisted for saying this out, but the whole scenario really reminds me of a certain 300 gif image where Leonidas booted some random bloke down the pit after shouting "no more pasta!"
On Quentin's part, I find it quite realistic to see the fickle nature of human courage where a sudden change can be more than enough to screw everything up. In fact, Prince Charming's weakness could be subtly hinted here as in without him, everything will collapse. In turn, this can create an emotional/mental burden onto him once far more powerful adversaries started to appear. Most notably Wan Ting of course. In fact, it will be interesting to see what Quentin can do in the grand scheme of things. No one can pull off a G.R.R Martin and I can actually foresee your very own Podrick Payne. On a certain side note, I'm starting to see Prince Charming as a literal figure of godhood. If I am to see this in a symbolic parallel, he would be your own bender version of Jeanne d'Arc.
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 8 . 12/17/2012
A mechanical sea serpent? Now there's a big challenge to test Prince Charming's mettle! Easily hacking through undead armies is fun, but Jack the Black's minion should be even tougher. Also, I have to say that your visuals for the zombies and the drained lake were quite good. This chapter in particular really brought me into the scene.