|Reviews for The Armageddon Scrolls|
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 5 . 12/5/2012
Vincent sure as hell showed his real strength here. He pried open a zombie dragon's jaws and froze the whole creature solid! Something tells me that he won't be able to use that much power too often. Let's hope that he has enough strength to recruit this ally to his cause.
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 4 . 12/3/2012
I appreciate how you're not afraid to make the villains grotesque. Some authors and other creators seem to hesitate to make anyone ugly, making a crew of angelic girls and he-men. Not here! Vincent is a cesspit of dead flesh and injuries, and even has a conscious tumor-ish growth on his shoulder. That, and the undead dragon is icky too.
So, I surmise that Wan Ting is the biggest presence around and Vincent doesn't like the thought of Wan Ting conquering the world. Vincent will need to be resourceful and gather allies in order to stand up to Wan Ting's supposed might. This won't be easy!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 8 . 11/28/2012
[Sir. The hill ahead is crawling with undead.]
Alteration: Sir, the hill ahead is teeming with undead.
Punctuation is an issue, changing the key word is just something of an alternative.
[Unbidden, an image came to Prince Charming's mind of a gasping fish]
Black humour ftw.
[The necromancer, the dark magician whose magic lent animation to the undead army, was both its greatest strength as well as its most glaring weakness.]
Alteration: The necromancer's dark magic lending animation to the undead was both his greatest strength and his most glaring weakness.
The original sentence seemed rather convoluted. I know you're trying to send across the impact of magic, but you might have been trying to over-elaborate here.
[However, such power came at a cost. If a necromancer was killed, the rest of his army would disintegrate with his death, effectively ending the undead threat at a single stroke. Knowing the necromancer's location was therefore of the highest priority.]
I think that while there's nothing wrong with this statement, failure to consider the most obvious seem a tad illogical. Simply put, I believe you could have reserved a statement or two for Prince Charming's reservations on Vincent's contingency defence. When you fight a war, you don't just consider the plus factors.
[Prince Charming nodded. The situation was unfolding almost exactly as he had envisioned it.]
I think if that is truly Prince Charming's strategic anticipation, you could have hinted at it earlier. A lesser reader will assume Prince Charming to be a Gary-Stu if he can't really connect the dots. And even then, I don't even have an idea on how Prince Charming managed to reach that conclusion.
[It was the press of men behind him, rather than any personal courage, that kept him marching towards the unnatural foe.]
A very realistic portrayal of war from a first person/limited third person lens. Very rarely had we read about the horrors of war or at least the mentality of the fodder. Indirectly, this is also an indication pointing to how the phalanx system works psychologically.
[Men and women of every age and occupation, the necromancer had killed indiscriminately.]
I really enjoy reading this part. It's something virtually coming out of G.R.R Martin's books where one man's villain isn't the same for another. Jaime Lannister comes to mind here.
[You've fought them before, on Grazing Hill.]
Fan reference to the Silent Hill series? Sean Bean (Eddard Stark) and Kit Harrington (Jon Snow) are part of the cast.
Now onto the general. Firstly, Why is it that Jack the Black reminds me of Jack Black? In a very comedic sense, Jack White do seem like a Jack Black parody. If not for his new "name", I wouldn't have reached that conclusion. In fact, it would actually make him far more comedic than I otherwise expected from an antagonist, so this is something you need to take note of. After all, it's extremely hard to take a parody character seriously if you want to.
On the mechanics aspect, now this is something truly Warhammer-esque together with the Melodies of Magic. Now I've said before than the One Republic was your own version of the Empire and this very fact was further strengthened here (and of course you've made it known N ages ago anyway). Ironically, the Empire's technology isn't really that advanced not to mention it's something coming from the Dwarves.
As for the difference between a commander's view and that of the frontline soldiers, I do find the contrast very sobering. You've virtually created a real life difference between a third person and first person view and I really like that. If there's anything I can suggest here, it will be the fact that maybe you can create something far more than a mere observer's view. I truly doubt Prince Charming had really gone ruthless because even bastards like Joffrey Baratheon and Tywin Lannister has feelings. What I'm seeing here is pretty much a nerfed Roose Bolton mainly because I've yet to see his sentiments as a commander having to make hard sacrifices rather than just a commander in Tolkien's works. I assume that you're gunning for a more realistic take on battles and wars due to your familiarity with the Warhammer fantasy world, so take note there.
As for Prince Charming's champions, I do see a very interesting parallel with the Kingsguard. And why I call it interesting is down to the fact that these blokes are actually far more emotionally attached with each other than their brothers in white, i.e. the Kingsguard actually wore white cloaks as symbol of their office. And let's not talk too much about why I find Prince Charming looking weirdly like Valten/Sigmar. Besides, I'm already seeing quite a lot of Prince Charming-is-Jaime Lannister memes on the internet.
Just another issue you really need to take note here though on an ending note. In battle, you don't have time for idle talk, hence if you want to make any sense out of Boris and Kalpo's verbal nonsense, Jacob's presence is not enough. You must utilize the actual situation at hand because wars and battles are extremely brutal. It's either kill or to be killed and more often than not, one split second of error can be fatal enough. The same logic goes for Prince Charming asking Boris' opinion on the underground mechanics. Granted this part would seem far more realistic due to Boris' need in disengagement, but the damage on realism by then has been done. Try to imagine how confusion in war truly works because this is a pitched battle, not a truly legitimate case of terrain warfare where time and space will be far more affordable.
P.S: Pierre and Fritz, am I seeing a parody on the whole French vs German history? I truly doubt it's just merely a World War II thing since France and Germany did have their own wranglings as early as Martin Luther's era. Although that's mainly down to France being predominantly Roman Catholic compared to Germans being the Lutheran majority.
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 3 . 11/26/2012
Pretty cool how the Prince is less than excited about his rebirth, and he has some genuine reasons for his doubts. I agree, he's bound to feel survivor's doubt about being reborn, and now he knows what it feels like to die, making him reluctant to send his men to their deaths.
And whoa, there's already townsfolk fleeing the bad guys! Prince Charming already has some enemies to deal with, and I'm eager to see some action.
Ok, now I see that this world has a German theme to it, especially with place names like Reich. You even used the fancy "B" letter (unsure what it's called). Makes a neat contrast to the Celtic style of Wind Warrior (Irish, Scottish and Welsh).
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 2 . 11/25/2012
I have to say, the symbolic blow of destroying that zombie was a great touch. Looks like that Vincent guy's days are going to be numbered! Prince Charming sure as hell has a zealous army behind him. I hope that his foes are equally powerful to provide a challenge.
| Guest chapter 23 . 11/25/2012
that was a good story!
| Dwynwen chapter 23 . 11/24/2012
Um...I really hope Charming isn't dead.
But his army keeps fighting. That's a good sign. It means they haven't lost hope.
Using the humans as a distraction was a pretty impressive battle technique. "This battle is over. Let's get out of here." - That's what you think, Princess.
Vincent, you are an idiot.
"You saved the boy," said Wan Ting, an expression of mild distaste on his face. "I take that as an insult, Illexmann. Why… did you insult me?" - Because Illexman loves Vincent.
Prison of Absolute Security is a pretty neat concept!
"You locked yourself in with me." - Was that Illexman's intention?
"Now this… could be a problem." - NO KIDDING.
You've got a lot of interesting inspirations! All in all, another good chapter.
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 1 . 11/23/2012
I get the feeling that this is a continuation of your earlier stories, but I'll try to follow it anyway. So, Prince Charming is reborn from his followers' devoted love to him, and now he's back in the saddle of responsibility. I find it kind of funny that Eric is described as being so great-looking while the Prince has a bizarre silver-white appearance... it seems like "Prince Charming" is a better name for Eric! Anyway, the prince has more than a few enemies out there and it should be fun to see what dangers they'll pos next.
| Complex Variable chapter 11 . 11/23/2012
[, and the urge to make sense of them was desperate.] - - - why not try "and he had a desperate urge to make sense of them." ?
[I suppose I chose the army as a profession because pay was good and I did not mind working odd hours."] - - - "because the pay was good"
[A journey through the metallic monstrosity's maw had left ragged gashes all over the prince's body, and any skin which had not been cut by the cruel amalgam of bronze and bone had almost certainly been scalded by the superheated souls that fuelled the Ivory Engines.] - - - this sentence feels a bit run-on-y; I would chop it up into pieces to smoothen out the delivery.
[ improved," quipped Eric.] - - - every time a person uses that dialogue tag construction, I cringe. Please, PLEASE make it "Eric quipped". X3
["You too, Eric?" wailed the prince in frustration.] - - - when I first read this, I though Eric was "wailing" on the prince. XD. Make it "the prince wailed in frustration."
[Jack White] - - - "White"... SUUUURE... XD (Jack Black can really get on my nerves, some times.)
[It is not like the magician genius to pick a fight he cannot win. ] - - - This sentence is worded awkwardly
[help everything become clearer."] - - - should be a question mark, not a period.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm getting weird sexual overtones between Eric and Charming? Are they lovers? Does one of them secretly pine for the other? XD
"Prince Righteous"—there, that's the ticket! ;)
Nice anagram with the Crown Princess' name. :)
Okay, I quite like the backstory information you've inserted into this chapter; it definitely helps deepen one's appreciation of your world, and the relationship of the events in this world to the psyches of your characters. You've definitely provided much more substance to latch on to, the way that this chapter is written. Good job! :)
I really think, though, that you should take some of the information here—in particular, about Wan Ting's attack on the palace 20 years before—and put it in "The Baby Necromancer". The betrayal of Prince Righteous can be saved for "The Armageddon Scrolls", but, the information about how Wan Ting affected the entire course of the nation, and Charming's life, is—in my opinion—too important of a detail to include a book and a half AFTER we first meet Charming in TBN. It provides a wonderful rationale/grounding for Charming's particularly dedicated hatred of necromancers and the undead—a personal conflict of his that you can explore and develop to help make TBN more grounded.
[had no answer save for that embrace.] - - - comma needed between "answer" and "save".
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 11/21/2012
I like the fencing sequence here. It's detailed, yet succinct. Likewise, the details present in the opening sequence are fluid and evocative; not as otherworldly as the opening to "Baby Necromancer", but definitely approaching the same caliber, at least at a sentence-by-sentence level.
["Do roses bloom around him? Does light shine from his ass?"] - - - XD funny.
I like the way you portray the soldiers humorous reactions/mimicry of Kalpo's actions—although, I feel like ["I… am extraordinary. But the sword… it resists…] could be worded better, more humorously. Unlike what Boris says in response, it doesn't sound to me like it's the "stupidest thing I've ever heard." Maybe you could punctuate the ellipses with narration/description so as to highlight the comic/ridiculous nature of Kalpo's remark.
Although well-written, this chapter lacks a bit of internal cohesiveness. I just jumped ahead—briefly—to the next chapter, and, I have to say, I think you SHOULD put the two of them as one chapter.
[Chapter 1 has finally been broken up into two pieces, because it's cruel to bombard new readers with 4500 words right off the bat.] - - - I don't think that's cruel. This isn't a prologue, or anything—it's actually the first chapter; don't make unnecessary cuts, especially when they interrupt the emotional atmosphere of the chapter, as they do here.
But, so far, so good. :)
| DarkAngelGal chapter 22 . 11/18/2012
NOOOOO! VA! It can't be!
RIP VA. ;(
I really hope tht fool died!
"Now this...could be a problem." Oh you just realized tht?! Ur stuck in a world of nothing!
Haha! Wang Ting is now in a place he can't get out of! I honestly think that dimension or whatever it is, is worse than death!
Nixia and Richard?! Whoa...did not see that coming!
Great chapter! Keep on writing!
| DarkAngelGal chapter 21 . 11/12/2012
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.
This chapter was epic!
First, Wang Ting was a badass.
Next, Vincent was put in his place again. (As usual)
And then Nixia went all psycho bitch!
Idk which character is my fav now. Nixia or Vincent? Hmmm...hard to decide.
Keep writing! I NEED to know what happens next!
| Dwynwen chapter 21 . 11/11/2012
"So you are Wan Ting," said Vincent, looking his archenemy up and down appraisingly. "I thought you'd be taller." - Isn't that what they always think?
I hope Illexman knows what he's doing. Vincent's arrogance could be the undoing of everything.
"The question now is," muttered Lt. Colonel Sanders, looking at the two packages of black powder before him, "original recipe or extra crispy?" - Um...I think it's extra crispy.
Not a very happy family reunion. "Aixin, I love you." - Those words must have hurt her. I think she did believe them, but didn't want to.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 7 . 10/10/2012
[...and all around him could be heard the noise of stirring and activity.]
Suggestion: ...and all around him could be heard the noise of stirring activity.
I don't know if this will flow better, but try not to use the same word in a single phrase/sentence. Of course this is just a loose rule. But still, I like the way you choreograph the sentence flow. Feels much more like an epic fantasy. :)
[While performing his daily ablutions he sighed involuntarily at the sight of his face.]
Correction: While performing his daily ablutions, he sighed involuntarily at the sight of his face.
[Prince Charming grunted asset]
I don't really get the exact meaning here.
[That's his I'm very affected so I'm doing deep thinking face.]
Correction: That's his 'I'm very affected so I'm doing deep thinking' face. And I cracked up on that one. :)
Now I won't say this is a plot defining chapter, but I can call it a plot furthering device. I really like the way you did the bantering. Your grasp of dialogue is getting far stronger than previously and this can be only a good thing. You did not use the actual events to progress the chapter, but rather using dialogue to progress the events. Kalpo in particular has a strong showing as the jester. Especially the ending part. It's a very clever usage of words when we consider the implication of the word redemption on a general scale.
As for Prince Charming, he actually felt much more humane despite the apparent. I really like the way he disliked honorifics due to the potential hassle rather than true blue humility. In a very real sense, I can foresee this being the core of his development as in how will he cope with the growing expectations. Like Vincent, he's someone on a learning curve in terms of his future. In this sense, I find it quite ironic that two mortal foes can have the same concept of future, but yet different, or shall we say opposite goals.
For Boris, he reminds me of Kanzaki Urumi of GTO in terms of the cerebral factor. In fact his part of the chapter really reminds me of the Renaissance era where intellectuals actually started their rise especially in terms of science and maths.
As for Jacob, it seems that he can see things far more easily overlooked by the rest. I can call him the adviser or strategist of the group. As for Eric, I can only liken him to a bodyguard albeit I believe such a statement will come back and haunt me very soon.
On Quentin's role, it really hard to say where he will go in terms of importance. Interestingly enough, he reminds me of Podrick Payne in A Song of Ice and Fire despite the possible gulf in character. At first, it's extremely easy to dismiss him as a joke character due to Prince Charming's inner reaction. But yet his knowledge on the terrain will prove valuable. How much it's truly worth in reality remains to be seen since whatever we've seen here is just theory without considering magic itself. And also:
("Three bags full, sir," thought Prince Charming, but he kept the comment prudently to himself.)
"The Wessen captain was able to offer three pieces of important information…"
Now this is an extremely good execution of the brackets if I say so myself. Last time round on Will's end, you didn't do that well. I'll have to give you total full props for this one because I really laughed at how you choreograph Quentin's words. It's something along the line of freak comedy. Not as in the physical end quite obviously, but rather the whole freak occurrence view. Of course people will argue for taking away the brackets, but I seriously don't see any issues with this. :)
And lastly but not least, I see Ghal Maraz.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 6 . 9/7/2012
Okay, firstly some suggestion to make this chapter flow smoother. Seems that my gut feeling is that something's not quite right. :(
[His name sounded like a husk dry, brittle leaf being crushed underfoot.]
His name sounded like a husk dry leaf most brittle being crushed underfoot.
[The voice was the crackle of dead things burning.]
The voice was a crackling of dead things burning.
[It was the mark of a plague that killed so quickly that its victims didn't even have time to realise that they had been infected.]
It was the mark of a plague, which killed its victims so quickly that realization of being infected was lost to them.
Note: I'll have to take massive liberties with this one. Sorry if this irks you. :(
[It was the hiss of a guttering candle, the crack of a fraying rope bridge.]
It was the hiss of a guttering candle, the crack of a rope bridge fraying.
[It was the voice of a creature on the cusp of death.]
Got nothing against this. I just feel that you've hit the sweet spot on the readers' mind. ;)
("Hey, let's not make unnecessary personal attacks here," protested Will.)
Try to push Will's words after Illexmann's piece. Using brackets for dialogue in any instances is tantamount to author's suicide.
["Well, if it is really you. You look like you crawled out of hell's arsehole, Illexmann,"]
Gotta love Vincent here. Weirdly enough, such a reply reminds me of Stannis Baratheon of A Song of Ice and Fire. :D
[The two acquaintances eyeballed (and eye-socketed) each other furiously]
While I like the way you play out the humour, I'm not too sure if other readers can appreciate it due to the brackets again.
["I don't mean to interrupt this charming reunion," said Will suddenly, "but doesn't Eva need some attention?"]
Chris Tucker 1, Jackie Chan 0. :D
Now onto the main part. Firstly, the plot seems to progress rather nicely. Apparently Sarragin's role in the story might be so much more than a mere mention or two. I truly doubt he will be necro'ed, but I do see Vincent's character closely tied with him. As in a dead man having a profound impact in the development end via whatever is already there in terms of exploration.
As for Illexmann, he's indeed a very interesting character. I truly doubt his intention to protect Vincent is born out of a sense of altruism, let alone duty. In a very real sense, it could be plausible that in Vincent, Illexmann actually saw a part of himself. Or rather the possibility of what he could have been. If so, then the corruption of power actually took place way earlier than Vincent's departure.
On Vincent, it's pretty interesting to see his character deeply tied into Will's existence and Illexmann himself. On the latter case, I suspect Illexmann's complicated character can shed some light in a vital past truly needed for plot progression. In addition, I still see him as Vincent's mentor in ways more than one. Just like how Jon Snow managed to develop under characters like Aemon and Jeor Mormont. As for Will, I can see something way more than comic relief. In a very real sense, he could act as Vincent's stress reliever. In addition, it could be possible that Will's presence might throw up certain factors in Vincent not yet known. If there's anything to go by on characterizing, it will be the fact that one hand will never be enough. :)