|Reviews for The Armageddon Scrolls|
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 7 . 10/10/2012
[...and all around him could be heard the noise of stirring and activity.]
Suggestion: ...and all around him could be heard the noise of stirring activity.
I don't know if this will flow better, but try not to use the same word in a single phrase/sentence. Of course this is just a loose rule. But still, I like the way you choreograph the sentence flow. Feels much more like an epic fantasy. :)
[While performing his daily ablutions he sighed involuntarily at the sight of his face.]
Correction: While performing his daily ablutions, he sighed involuntarily at the sight of his face.
[Prince Charming grunted asset]
I don't really get the exact meaning here.
[That's his I'm very affected so I'm doing deep thinking face.]
Correction: That's his 'I'm very affected so I'm doing deep thinking' face. And I cracked up on that one. :)
Now I won't say this is a plot defining chapter, but I can call it a plot furthering device. I really like the way you did the bantering. Your grasp of dialogue is getting far stronger than previously and this can be only a good thing. You did not use the actual events to progress the chapter, but rather using dialogue to progress the events. Kalpo in particular has a strong showing as the jester. Especially the ending part. It's a very clever usage of words when we consider the implication of the word redemption on a general scale.
As for Prince Charming, he actually felt much more humane despite the apparent. I really like the way he disliked honorifics due to the potential hassle rather than true blue humility. In a very real sense, I can foresee this being the core of his development as in how will he cope with the growing expectations. Like Vincent, he's someone on a learning curve in terms of his future. In this sense, I find it quite ironic that two mortal foes can have the same concept of future, but yet different, or shall we say opposite goals.
For Boris, he reminds me of Kanzaki Urumi of GTO in terms of the cerebral factor. In fact his part of the chapter really reminds me of the Renaissance era where intellectuals actually started their rise especially in terms of science and maths.
As for Jacob, it seems that he can see things far more easily overlooked by the rest. I can call him the adviser or strategist of the group. As for Eric, I can only liken him to a bodyguard albeit I believe such a statement will come back and haunt me very soon.
On Quentin's role, it really hard to say where he will go in terms of importance. Interestingly enough, he reminds me of Podrick Payne in A Song of Ice and Fire despite the possible gulf in character. At first, it's extremely easy to dismiss him as a joke character due to Prince Charming's inner reaction. But yet his knowledge on the terrain will prove valuable. How much it's truly worth in reality remains to be seen since whatever we've seen here is just theory without considering magic itself. And also:
("Three bags full, sir," thought Prince Charming, but he kept the comment prudently to himself.)
"The Wessen captain was able to offer three pieces of important information…"
Now this is an extremely good execution of the brackets if I say so myself. Last time round on Will's end, you didn't do that well. I'll have to give you total full props for this one because I really laughed at how you choreograph Quentin's words. It's something along the line of freak comedy. Not as in the physical end quite obviously, but rather the whole freak occurrence view. Of course people will argue for taking away the brackets, but I seriously don't see any issues with this. :)
And lastly but not least, I see Ghal Maraz.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 6 . 9/7/2012
Okay, firstly some suggestion to make this chapter flow smoother. Seems that my gut feeling is that something's not quite right. :(
[His name sounded like a husk dry, brittle leaf being crushed underfoot.]
His name sounded like a husk dry leaf most brittle being crushed underfoot.
[The voice was the crackle of dead things burning.]
The voice was a crackling of dead things burning.
[It was the mark of a plague that killed so quickly that its victims didn't even have time to realise that they had been infected.]
It was the mark of a plague, which killed its victims so quickly that realization of being infected was lost to them.
Note: I'll have to take massive liberties with this one. Sorry if this irks you. :(
[It was the hiss of a guttering candle, the crack of a fraying rope bridge.]
It was the hiss of a guttering candle, the crack of a rope bridge fraying.
[It was the voice of a creature on the cusp of death.]
Got nothing against this. I just feel that you've hit the sweet spot on the readers' mind. ;)
("Hey, let's not make unnecessary personal attacks here," protested Will.)
Try to push Will's words after Illexmann's piece. Using brackets for dialogue in any instances is tantamount to author's suicide.
["Well, if it is really you. You look like you crawled out of hell's arsehole, Illexmann,"]
Gotta love Vincent here. Weirdly enough, such a reply reminds me of Stannis Baratheon of A Song of Ice and Fire. :D
[The two acquaintances eyeballed (and eye-socketed) each other furiously]
While I like the way you play out the humour, I'm not too sure if other readers can appreciate it due to the brackets again.
["I don't mean to interrupt this charming reunion," said Will suddenly, "but doesn't Eva need some attention?"]
Chris Tucker 1, Jackie Chan 0. :D
Now onto the main part. Firstly, the plot seems to progress rather nicely. Apparently Sarragin's role in the story might be so much more than a mere mention or two. I truly doubt he will be necro'ed, but I do see Vincent's character closely tied with him. As in a dead man having a profound impact in the development end via whatever is already there in terms of exploration.
As for Illexmann, he's indeed a very interesting character. I truly doubt his intention to protect Vincent is born out of a sense of altruism, let alone duty. In a very real sense, it could be plausible that in Vincent, Illexmann actually saw a part of himself. Or rather the possibility of what he could have been. If so, then the corruption of power actually took place way earlier than Vincent's departure.
On Vincent, it's pretty interesting to see his character deeply tied into Will's existence and Illexmann himself. On the latter case, I suspect Illexmann's complicated character can shed some light in a vital past truly needed for plot progression. In addition, I still see him as Vincent's mentor in ways more than one. Just like how Jon Snow managed to develop under characters like Aemon and Jeor Mormont. As for Will, I can see something way more than comic relief. In a very real sense, he could act as Vincent's stress reliever. In addition, it could be possible that Will's presence might throw up certain factors in Vincent not yet known. If there's anything to go by on characterizing, it will be the fact that one hand will never be enough. :)
| Dwynwen chapter 20 . 8/29/2012
Princess Irri joining forces with Charming wasn't something I saw coming.
If Wan Ting can survive the breath of TWO zombie dragons, Vincent and the others are in serious trouble.
"I would not want to witness a fight between the demon and the Angel, exciting though it may sound. The process and the outcome are certain to be traumatising in the extreme." - Well, that doesn't sound good.
I hope you feel OK soon.
| DarkAngelGal chapter 20 . 8/26/2012
NOOOOO! Not the VA! Ok, if he died then it's time for my Rupert and the whole entire Angel Kingdom to get some demon guts! I can't believe the VA lost to someone as stupid as the fool!
Oh Kalpo...nuff said.
And skool is starting for me too...tommorrow. Ugh!
And u have a fever? Awww...i'm hope ur better soon!
| Do Play With Fire chapter 1 . 8/25/2012
Hi. I like your writing style, and there is character development so far. Yes! A lot of writers, including myself, have difficulty including some sort of character development when the characters are introduced. I liked the bit of humor in it too.
| Vivace.Assai chapter 19 . 8/21/2012
Sorry it took so long to get to this chapter... I tend to have moments of freedom before getting flooded with chapter alerts. But yes! Chapter title suggests I will meet the Ivory Engineer! Yeah! Engineers are awesome (and I am not saying that just because I want to major in engineering).
I liked how you began the chapter describing the size of the army. It makes it clear just what the protagonists are up against - they are fighting a very VERY large army. By showing the gravity of the situation, it allows readers to be realistic about what is happening. Clearly, Ehrenfeld is going against something big - something that's going to be hard to beat. I also enjoyed how you described how big the army was. By saying how long it took for the last soldier to be seen and how the soldiers spread out, you gave a clear indication that this is one massive army. Also, the description is quite ingenious since it's something people can easily understand and make assumptions from.
Okay, so the Ivory Engineer is a good-looking man in his twenties. That was slightly surprising but I do like how you have a variety of people be the Deathly Powers. You have a coy, pretty girl. You have a stately, philosophical and refined man. You have a tortured young man, a slightly dead scholar, a demon, a fanatic, and now an attractive engineer. The diversity in the characters is refreshing to see, since some stories only focus on a certain "build" of characters. You include every age and every attitude. It makes your cast diverse and intriguing to read. I also liked how you distinguished the Engineer through his language. It has an interesting accent to it, similar to how the Fool's bad grammar catches the eye. The dialogue adds yet another personality to the Engineer. And talking about personality, I like the Engineer. He's clearly very intelligent, and he's the type to be careful. He's cordial to Nixia but all of his answers show that he has his guard up against her. He just won't give in to her demands quickly and happily. He knows that it's dangerous giving her his trump cards. So he's an interesting character.
As for the Vermilion Angel, it's clear that he does quite believe that everything he is doing is right. His prayer before the Fool falls from the sky shows that he believes in a god. He feels that everything he is doing is guiding him towards the path of light. It's quite an interesting paradox considering that he is a necromancer - a performer of the dark arts. But I think this adds another depth to his character. He isn't just any old necromancer, interested in evil. He's a person interested in good but using the powers of evil to achieve his means.
So Prince Charming has been possessed by a Deathly Power! That's really an intriguing turn in plot. I was curious why Wan Ting mentioned the fact that there was a Deathly Power at Ehrenfeld (while Vincent and the other Deathly Powers were flying to the Vermilion Angel). It seems that it's because the Prince has been emitting Deathly Power energy; he is the Ghost Council itself (so the Fool didn't eat all of the Ghost Council then). I like this twist since it definitely puts the Prince at a different place. He's fighting for good, but unknowingly, he holds darkness within him. I expect a major conflict later in the story (or saga), since this is set-up for something quite bad.
And the ending with the Fool. I just love how he falls down and says he's going by "instinct." The Fool truly represents his attribute. I kind of pity the Angel though... I would never want to face a crazy monster like the Fool.
Overall, this was a rather nice chapter. I really like where the plot is progressing. These next few chapters are going to be good!
P.S.: Sorry if this review felt rushed... I'm starting school again tomorrow and I need to review a lot of stories by the end of today (so I'm kind of just writing what I think without much filter).
| DarkAngelGal chapter 19 . 8/19/2012
Nooooo! VA is not your snack, Fool! Kick the Fool's ass! Not tht i hate the Fool but I am on Team Angel all the way! (See my username, lol) Also, just like to say, love the flight scene with the dragons! Anyway, i'd like to point out a few things (teehee):
Nixia's eyes widened in avarice at the sight of Richard Gear's balls. "Ooh, Richard! You promised to let me have a go." (Is it just me or does that sound wrong to you? XD)
Fool-I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYY!
Lijk- No one cares Fool, so GET THE FUCK READY!
Things are heating up! I'm excited to see what happens next! (And if the Fool eats the VA then i'm sending Rupert and the whole Angel kingdom down on him for revenge! lol!)
| Dwynwen chapter 19 . 8/19/2012
The Vermillion Angel is a dangerous, destructive, merciless killer - and it's praying.
Good to see Kain and Eva again.
All the powers are converging onto one city. I get the feeling there aren't going to be any joyful family reunions between Charming and Nixia.
| Dwynwen chapter 17 . 8/19/2012
The Fool ATE a Deathly Power? He sounds like an overgrown child.
"Must be something I eat…" - You don't say.
Wait a minute. They're considering throwing away an entire army, and then just raising another? Presumably they mean 'raising' as in zombies?
| Booklooker chapter 1 . 8/17/2012
The description is amazing. The only bad part is you completely ripped that part off of Harry Potter. It ticks me off. But it is good.
| Dwynwen chapter 15 . 8/15/2012
Vanessa is quite the character! Appearing naked before a prince takes gumption.
Giving the princes the same names as types of virtue is intriguing. It's like the Robin Hobb novels: there are three princes named Verity, Chivalry and Regal*.
If Aixin/Nixia is younger than Charming and Righteous, why is she the rightful heir?
*I find this rather ironic. Verity is a girl's name, Regal is (according to Wikipedia) anything but regal, and the main character is Chivalry's illegitimate son. Then again, Charming's brother appears to be anything but righteous.
| Dwynwen chapter 14 . 8/15/2012
Nope, not Nixia. Oops.
So Vincent is afraid of Chk'lids? Interesting.
Vincent and Will argue just like real brothers do!
Irri is just as arrogant as Vincent is.
...Looks like Vincent's got that army he needs. But how is he doing to use it? Irri's in charge of the army, not him. And she probably won't tolerate Vincent trying to take it over.
| Dwynwen chapter 13 . 8/15/2012
Vincent certainly does have a talent for annoying people, doesn't he? There seem to be a few important lessons he needs to learn.
"That bug you saved was a Chk'lid princess, and she has an army. One that she might put to your service." - Do you mean Nixia? Does that mean she and Vincent are going to become allies? Great! Wait...that's bad, isn't it?
Twelve aspects of humanity? That sounds well-thought out.
| Dwynwen chapter 12 . 8/12/2012
"And I'll be riding six white horses when I come?" asked Nixia in delight.
"And they'll all go out to meet you when you come," replied Wan Ting indulgently. - Will she be coming round the mountain as well?
So Wan Ting *is* using Nixia - and she seems to be aware of it. That's interesting.
| Dwynwen chapter 10 . 8/12/2012
So Wan Ting is using Nixia to gain power?
She seems to be just as ruthless as he is.