|Reviews for The Armageddon Scrolls|
| DarkAngelGal chapter 17 . 8/11/2012
Wow. Prince Charming sings one song and he already won over Ehrenfeld! lol! Anyway, great chapter! I'm eager to read more!
| Vivace.Assai chapter 17 . 8/11/2012
[a handful of sub commanders who were needed at the war council not to speak, but rather to take orders] The phrasing here was slightly confusing. It was mostly the clause that I had issue with. The comma before “but rather take orders” made me slow in my reading which then confused me because “who were needed at the war council not to speak” doesn’t make sense when read alone. I would make the clause more to the point. Like maybe: “who were at the war council solely to take orders” or even something more succinct…
[said the colonel, looking prince charming in the eye] You forgot to capitalize “Prince Charming”
[WE've lost too many symbols already] I have a suspicion that both letters of “we” are capitalized for an emphatic reason… but I’m not sure what that reason is.
Whoa… wait. Is this song Prince Charming singing an adapted version of “Secrets” by OneRepublic or has weeks of writing one essay made me gone mad?
My sanity aside… I rather enjoyed this chapter.
The dialogue at the beginning was nicely written. You really captured the atmosphere of a war council through the dialogue. It was rather formal and focused on the battle coming up ahead. I could just feel the tension and the worry coming from every one of the characters. I liked how you integrated how desolate the situation appears not by saying the situation was desolate but by showing it through the war plans. The explanation that all the troops are untrained and that the town doesn’t even have a proper cannon reveals that Ehrenfeld is ill-equipped for a war. Furthermore, you captured the personalities of the characters well through the contributions they make. Clearly Colonel Panic is quite a soldier because he is able to analyze why they should or should not fight the upcoming battle. The fact he responds to most of the questions also casts a stronger light on him than Lt. Colonel Sanders, who though skilled isn’t as truthful or as aggressive in what’s happening. The Prince continues to show why he is a good soldier; he’s a brilliant strategist and he understands how to touch the people’s heart. He isn’t afraid to confront a situation where people are losing hope.
I enjoyed how you described the people’s emotions throughout the song. I think the second part was by far my favorite part in this entire chapter and one of the best moments in this story. It held the tinges of emotion and power in the words, and you nicely evoked the growing hope that the people feel. The music was described quite nicely; I could see how provocative and profound it was for the people. I was easily able to transport myself to the scene and feel the swelling pride in the dismayed citizens. You made me empathetic to the people’s situation and their changing emotions as the chapter progressed. I also noticed how the language was a lot more poetic (more reminiscent of The Baby Necromancer) – this was fitting for such a scene. Furthermore, I liked how you characterized and developed the Prince through the song. As he continues to sing, he realizes that he fought for his people’s happiness and not for honor (a great marking of a future king by the way). This is quite an important realization for him, especially in the coming fight. The people and their hope will clearly be his strength as he battles against the undead.
I am suspicious about that part with Eric though… why does he feel darkness in his heart? and what secret does he have? I’m very curious to see if this will affect the coming events in the story (particularly the coming battle).
[As the last note faded away, the light around Prince Charming dimmed and went out. But that was only fair. The hearts of the people and soldiers in Ehrenfeld, once dark with fear and mistrust and suspicion, had begun to glow.] Great last line. It really emphasized that hopeful tone you were getting out throughout the second part, and it really showed how much the song has impacted the people.
Overall, a great chapter. I’m curious to see how the battle will play out.
| VeraSilver chapter 1 . 8/11/2012
Ok, great beginning to your story. The only minor criticism I would give is that you're throwing a lot of characters into the pot very early on, and it can be difficult telling them apart. Something to aid in this would be to perhaps introduce some of them a bit later.. or you can give them distinctive voices. Give them phrases, or little visual indicators to remind us who's who. One of them might always begin their sentence with the same phrase or word, or another might always hold up one finger whilst talking. It will help your reader out a bit.
Other than that one criticism, there is a lot of good here. The characters are not typical, they are not overly serious, and you can genuinely believe that they would follow Charming and die for him. The war looming ahead gives great reason to continue reading. Very, very good start, I love it.
| Vivace.Assai chapter 16 . 8/10/2012
Back to review Chapter 16 then! My last review of the day in my never-ending quest to not drown in reviews/alerts…
The Fool needs to really show up more because every time he crops up in the story (after an extended absence), I feel the sudden need to correct every one of his grammatical mistakes… almost forgetting that *that* is how he speaks. This isn’t healthy for me. I once read this thing about how if our biological clocks (sleeping times) are disrupted, we’ll die an early death… Well, I feel this grammar “shock” is disrupting my writing clock and will result in unforeseen consequences… probably deadly. But regardless of that rather far-fetched explanation for why the Fool should make more appearances…
I do like every moment that the Fool crops up. He just brings humor into the story – rather macabre black humor, but humor nevertheless. Really, I was laughing the entire exchange regarding the Ghost Council. Plus he is quite an interesting character. He definitely does represent “Instinct” since he acts on what seems like a whim when it is in fact a need for survival and a need to remain up on top (and powerful). His random actions show that much… When he is about to “die,” he “admits” to eating the Ghost Council so all will be forgiven with Vincent. This shows deviousness on his part and cleverness for him to have all the cards. I do notice that the way I view him has changed since Baby Necromancer. While he was portrayed as a villain and a danger to Vincent before, he is cast in a much more positive light in this story. In fact, the humor of his actions makes him seem less dangerous and a better ally. I always feel as if he will betray Vincent eventually (some impressions can’t be forgotten), but it’s difficult to remain too guarded with him in this story… which makes me even more nervous.
I don’t like the plan. I don’t like the plan at all. I think they will be unable to kill the Vermilion Angel and then all the poor ants will die (by the way: I am creeped out by them but I’m the type of person who walks a full circle to avoid crushing a congregation of ants at the park). Sorry that I am all negative but I NEVER get my hopes up in reading… it just hurts too much. I just think there are several flaws with it. Vincent will lose an army he worked so hard to obtain (kind of), and there’s a high chance that the plan will fail. Of course, maybe Prince Charming will magically have something up his sleeve. But this is quite a risk. But then again, this is war, so I presume you must take risks every day. One has to act on the spur of the moment and make sacrifices, so I like how you captured that idea/essence well with what Vincent is about to do. I still think the plan is foolish…
I do like the interaction between Will, Illexmann, the Fool, and Vincent. I definitely feel that this group is the most unlikely group of all – their different attitudes and desires just conflict. And yet, they are making some effort not to battle it out. I’m curious how this alliance will work out, though I’m sure it will definitely be interesting… so the dynamics in this alliance is definitely interesting. It isn’t perfect and is set up for some failure, but that’s what makes me so intrigued by them.
So with critique, there were some moments where I felt you could have expanded everything and fleshed it out more. Like I would have liked a little bit more description about how the Fool’s Paradise was “structurally irregular” and why it took a lot of time for Will and Vincent to find the Fool. And a little bit more detail about how the characters acted while the Fool is “dying” would have been nice – like their expressions and such. But beyond that, I think the dialogue and writing flowed well and characterization was on par with what I’ve seen in past chapters.
Another nice chapter. Interested to see how the plan will work out.
| Vivace.Assai chapter 15 . 8/10/2012
Sorry it took so long to get back to this story… I’ve been busy with evil essays and such…
[Prince Charming became dimly aware that he was inside a loaf of baking bread.] Well that’s quite an intriguing way to begin a chapter… It instantly propels readers into a more humorous tone for the story; it’s a light, humorous tone. But at the same time, it’s a good hook since I’ve never seen a chapter start like this… and that is always a good hook into a chapter. So now I’m interested in learning more of why Prince Charming is inside a loaf of baking bread…
Okay, now, I’m laughing because you took that bread metaphor farther than I expected… Okay… need… to calm… myself… But anyways, the bread metaphor was nevertheless an interesting way of describing how the Prince feels. And it helped you get across the ethereal sense a lot better, so now instead of telling us the Prince feels ethereal, you show us… But this scene does worry me. It seems that the Prince wasn’t resurrected for a simple, good reason; somehow, I feel like some mysterious force has chosen him to be a pawn in the coming events. So what is this force? And why is the prince ideal? So many questions… I’m not interested in knowing more!
Bug fix: [The capital's is in danger of being isolated.] “capital’s is” – I don’t think I need to explain further…
[The first profanity of the novel, and it came from a woman?] Ah… breaking of the fourth wall. You know, most of the times, my reaction would *LE GASP! What is this madness?* but somehow the narrative voice of this story makes such an occurrence possible. So when the fourth wall was broken, I really didn’t notice it for a second or two because it just flowed into the way the story is being told… I’m not quite sure if I take some offense in the fact that the Prince just made a big deal out of a woman swearing but… I’ll just stop thinking about it.
[Thirdly, and most importantly, Nixia is the rightful Queen."
"Even I don't want to fight her, and I've been fighting the Deathly Powers all my life!"]
- As a note, I assume the Prince is speaking in both of these paragraphs. If that is the case, it would be slightly more correct and less confusing if you took away the end quotation marks on the first paragraph.
But anyways, this was an interesting chapter. It was nice in how you kept us updated about the plot and how the war was going without making everything sound like info-dump. I liked that you integrated the Prince’s reactions and Vanessa’s stress because it gave readers an emotional connection to the events. So Wan Ting is doing well with his plan; this is troublesome. Where is Vincent and the Fool with the help? I’m curious to see how the tides will change when the third party comes into the battle… Furthermore, this chapter also advanced the plot in showing what the Prince will do next…
As for characters, I liked how you portrayed Vanessa. I know you were worried that you didn’t do her justice in her first appearance, but you did her justice here. She’s still the fiery, witty Vanessa that I still remember from Baby Necromancer. And I like how she keeps her spirit even in times of despair. You did well in showing how worried she was becoming with her dialogue, but the way she just insults the Prince shows that she isn’t scared of him and that she’s the type who doesn’t back down without a fight. So I liked how her characterization in this chapter.
Overall another nice chapter. Reading on…
| Dwynwen chapter 9 . 8/9/2012
The Queen is dead? Well, that's not good.
The Vermillion Angel sounds even more scary than the Dreadnought.
| Dwynwen chapter 8 . 8/9/2012
"...it's not about the weapon, Jack White. It's the repenting that leaves you open for redemption. And it's not my forgiveness you're looking for, but God's." - Wow, I really like that.
'The bravery of idiots is bravery nonetheless' - Quote from Doctor Who - seems to match Quentin!
| Dwynwen chapter 7 . 8/9/2012
I think I can understand why Quentin is nervous of facing the zombie army. And he's right - theft within an army isn't to be encouraged.
Once again, the banter between the soldiers is great.
The Dreadnought sound absolutely terrifying.
| DarkAngelGal chapter 16 . 8/8/2012
"I am just having a nice snack, i mean chat, with the ghost council". Dam right you are! WTF? Y does the Fool want to eat everybody?! And I have a feeling something will go horribly wrong with this plan Will and Vincent came up with. Anyway, i am excited for the next chapter!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 8/7/2012
[Even from the sky Teufelsheim exuded a thick and ominous aura.]
Correction: Even from the sky, Teufelsheim exuded a thick and ominous aura.
[The black magician that had built Teufelsheim to be his stronghold had died long ago, but so great had been his power that the cacophony of evil Melody that haunted the doomed citadel would continue to swirl around for centuries to come.]
Alternative: The black magician who built Teufelsheim as his stronghold had died long ago, but so great was his power that the cacophony of evil Melody haunting the doomed citadel would continue to swirl around for centuries to come.
Note: Try not to repeat the same words within a single go. For this case, it's [that] and [had].
[It is highly doubtful that a living man would sleep soundly there either.]
Correction: It was highly doubtful that a living man would sleep soundly there either. Alternatively, you can opt for [could] if you feel [would] in this context doesn't flow that right since you've used that word shortly ago.
[The courtyard at the heart of the citadel is the perfect point for an ambush.]
Alternative: The courtyard at the citadel's heart is a perfect ambush point.
Okay, so now onto the good. Again, you've pulled off a masterpiece on all things imagery.
[The zombie dragon's breath melted Vincent's hastily erected defences like hot water boiling away a pillar of salt.]
This is my personal favourite. :)
On the character mechanics, there's nothing much that throw me aback. Still, the relationship between Eva and Kain was unusually poignant due to the ironies of Fate (or rather that man who made it possible whoever he may be). I suspect that if this fella was the ally the Fool was talking about, Vincent might be inclined to negotiate with him for Eva's sake. If so, then potential implications might ensue due to the wild card factor called the Fool himself.
As for Will, am I thinking too much or are you trying to create a Chris Tucker? LOL! His wisecrack nature really reminds me of his character in Rush Hour if Vincent could be seen as Jackie Chan himself.
As for the fighting scene, all I can say is this: Swift, hardcore and outright brutal. You could have pulled off a G.R.R Martin if this story isn't T-rated. Or at least you will end up like a certain Dr Self Destruct of this site lol!
And I really like the assume part of the ending words. You do know that Moggray invoked the same logic in A Ranger's Tale, right? ;) Or rather you wil soon enough. :D
P.S: I don't think the guy firing that parting shot was Vincent. Oh damn... I suspect it might be his dad. -.-'
Final P.S: Vincent vs Kain seems to have a very eerie parallel with how Vidar killed Fenrir in the events of Ragnarok.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 5 . 8/5/2012
I really enjoyed the opening paragraph. At first I was thinking 'Hmm, there may be a few too many comparisons here", but then they continued and the effect your desired was very much achieve, especially thanks to the straight-forward final line of 'It was the voice of a creature on the cusp of death'. Nicely done.
Your use of parenthesis was also effective - ("Hey, let's not make unnecessary personal attacks here," protested Will.) as well as (and eye-socketed) gave a touch of humour without detracting from the flow of the action. I thought the story was picking up in pace back in chapter 2, but now I'm starting to realise that it's only just begun. You are taking your time to introduce important points, so I have to apologise about my earlier comment. I shouldn't make assumptions like that until I get a bit further into the narrative.
Again, you descriptions are top notch. 'for he was now sustained by the vitality of eternity' and 'hissed like sand falling from an hourglass' are my favourites, but there were plenty of other good lines.
Like always, here are some things that are things that could be thinged up a little...things:
Before judging me, why not take a good look at yourself? countered the Lijk - could be just 'it' or 'he' countered.
'"I would be the same way too, if I had been burned by a dragon's fire," remarked Will sarcastically' - I think this neat little line could work without the 'sarcastically'.
'He might have done magnificent things worthy of a young dragon in his prime' - I think I may have mentioned it in my review of the last chapter, but some information regarding the specifics of dragons would help the reader connect with Eva and her troubles some more.
'No more pain, said the wraith. No more suffering.
Answer my questions, wraith, or suffer, threatened Vincent. What is your name?' - if I may be so bold, I might recommend that Vincent replies with a compromise rather than a threat. "and I will see to the end of your suffering" maybe. Still retains the features of a threat while being a bit more persuasive.
'Sarragin Vich's son? cried Valagan in a voice of anguish and despair' - perhaps I missed it in a prior chapter, but I didn't know Vincent's birth was a secret to most. If it was something I missed, disregard this comment, otherwise you might want to drop some hints as to Vince's secretive existence.
Most of these are somewhat petty suggestions, which gives you a good idea as to the quality of the chapter. I'm hoping I get to see this Wan Ting fellow soon, because you've built him up nicely. It will be interesting to see the path Vincent takes, especially now this added element of the Deathly August has been introduced. My foresight predicts that...Will shall become emperor over all.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 4 . 8/4/2012
Another great mix of description, action and dialogue. I guess my advice in chapter 2 was a little premature, as you seem to have a strong understanding of your strengths. The humour and the urgency of the fray were well communicated, though I think you could perhaps gift the reader with a bit more background about dragons and how they come to be zombies.
I love the concept of Will, and also would love to hear more about how such a strange arrangement came to pass. His quips were clever, and kept things from becoming too serious. Lines like 'broken teeth lining a monstrous, diseased maw' made sure your fine record for similes was kept in tact, and I thought the quote at the end was nice touch.
Time to don the editing-pants:
'hollow wing bones whistled a mournful tune' - great line.
'the cacophony of evil Melody' - as mentioned in the previous chapter, I think a few specifics about this Melody business would help get the reader's head completely in the game.
Where should I land, Vincent? - something I didn't mention in the last chapter, however, is how effective I think this unique use of punctuation is. Is that thing even punctuation? Who cares, it works.
'Besides," sniffed the necromancer' - could just be, "he added with a sniff".
'"Oh, fufufufffuffuffu," huffed Will, thrilled by all the excitement' - forget Kalpo. Will all the way.
'The irony was excruciating' - what makes this so ironic? I might have missed something, but being attacked by a zombie dragon is more unfortunate than ironic.
'a light cloud of grave-gray' - I might recommend 'gravestone-grey' here.
'psychic scream' - I think maybe 'telepathic scream' would be more specific.
'Eva, the faithful zombie dragon' - I think we're familiar enough with Eva now that we don't need the second bit there.
'gossamer thin shell' - this is more a pedantic thing really, but gossamer is quite a unique word, and we've seen it jump out twice in quick succession. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think you could afford to throw around some additional vocabulary.
'a potent cocktail' - again, just one of these more modern words that would probably leave Vincent and Eva blinking in confusion if you said it to them. Not Will, of course. He seems like the sort that would enjoy a fine Martini, but perhaps 'concoction' or another word of its ilk could be used instead.
'Using his magic' - how is magic employed? I see later he chants a spell, but you might want to give the reader some detail here as to how he casts it.
'Sha-dara'kssh! roared Vincent Nightingale' - FUS ROH DAH!
'encasing Kain in a skin of sapphire ice' - 'encasing it' would probably work as well.
All in all, great chapter, mate. I will now rest and reflect on what I have experienced.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 3 . 8/3/2012
Firstly, great chapter title.
Secondly, loved the chapter and the characters within. The tone early on was set up as though we were heading into the territory of dreary horrors, which made the about turn to comedy that much more effective. Your descriptive abilities were on full display throughout; there was a perfect balance between description, action and dialogue. The mental picture I received of the Fool was as clear as a portrait, and lines such as 'Thick green veins crisscrossed its too-long forearms and chest like a maze of vines' and 'the shadowed eyes of the freshly bereaved' and are about as clear and impactful as they come.
Also, Will became my favourite character the moment he was revealed. Didn't even need to say a word.
As per usual, here are some things I saw:
'A stifling, emaciated fog had settled over the plain' - emaciated means to be thinner than usual, so I might recommend another word here.
'did not one or two of them wear the proud colours of a republican uniform, garishly stained by the marks of their recent demise? Would not a mother still recognise her young son's features in a dead thing's humourless smile?' - I love these lines (great descriptions), but it is a little off-putting when the omniscient narrator starts asking rhetorical questions, Perhaps you could reshape them so it's straight information.
'They do say that darkness is the root of all evil' - I would replace this line with the one just after it.
'atop its wrecking ball of a body' - good image, though the wrecking ball is a contemporary thing, so my suggestion would be to change it into something that people of your fantasy land would understand and relate to.
'"Cannonball! Hihihihihi!" laughed the demon' - love it.
'"Bet you can't beat that, Vincent Nightingale!" - would the demon call him by his full name? They seem to be on close terms, so maybe just a Vincent or Vince.
'Vincent's eyes, however, were the most stunning part of the necromancer' - sounds like his eyes belong to some other necromancer. Maybe just a rearrangement of words here.
'In his quest for mastery over the black Melodies of Magic' - is this given more detail later on? Even so, I think you could afford to give us a slight hint as to what comprises these Melodies.
'Richard Gear the Ivory Engineer' - yes, yes, and YES.
'Do not worry, but be happy' - woooooohoooohoooohooodoooodo ooodooooodoooodooodooodeeeee dooooo, don't worry, be happy.
'eyed her master expectantly. Her eyeless sockets were the size of dinner plates' - perhaps you could milk this for some humour; that is, have the zombie dragon eye him, then point out the irony of this act.
This was a great introduction to Vincent. Everything was highly imaginative, and although I usually don't like the inclusion of elements such as prophecies and what not, I'm not at all minding them because you're balancing out the clichés with pure originality. Next chapter.
| DarkAngelGal chapter 15 . 8/3/2012
He's in a loaf of bread? REALLY? This story just keeps getting weirder...but i like weird. Also Vanessa is BEAST!
"Nixia is the rightful Queen." Yeah, you got that right! Prince Charming should tell on Prince Rightousous about his deceit. Queen Nixia DERSERVES tht thrown. If she dosen't get it then i want Prince Rightousnous to die, not only for the crime he did but also because i don't like him anyway. In fact, now i hate him.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 2 . 8/2/2012
Kalpo, again, gets all the good lines. Go Kalpo. The action certainly is picking up early on, though you also shouldn't be afraid to take your time in places. I know it seems like the only thing people want on this website is gratuitous violence and now, but there are others, like me, who enjoy a careful build up that gives us a better chance to attach ourselves to the characters, so that when the gratuitous violence hits, we relate more to their plight.
Again, some things I noticed:
'The Republican Expeditionary Force marched east for three days, taking a direct route to the capital' - this is an ideal moment to throw some details at us. What's the land they're walking through like? I'm gathering its sort of like Bavarian woodlands, just going by the Germanic names of the nearby towns and cities, but it's always nice to have things confirmed by the author. Also, if morale is high amongst the troops, I don't think they'd be marching with any trepidation. It implies a scared, trembling approach, which sort of contradicts their determination as well as their morale boost.
'Progress was unimpeded in the summer heat' - in the last chapter, you mentioned there was a chill to the summer air, so I imagined they were in a generally colder landscape. If the days are hot enough to bake the roads, then the mornings are likely going to be just as hot.
'military issue blankets' - a funny line, but it sort of suggest that this army is run similar to modern day infantry.
'Not to mention that Wan Ting is on a completely different level from the other Deathly Powers' - there seems to be some inconsistency with the way Charming talks. Here he uses quite casual, modern language, but just earlier he was speaking with a poetic articulacy that one associates with the old times. 'When I sleep, everything makes sense and I know it for what it is, but when I wake, I cannot remember. It slips like dust through the space between my fingers'. It's very vibrant language, but jarring when laid beside some of his other sentences. A bit more consistency with the style of speech would do wonders for the story, me thinks.
'Wan Ting killed the King and the Crown Princess, and would have done you in, as well' - Eric seems to have a habit of talking about obvious things that other characters would already be well aware of. If Want Ting killed Charming's father, than I doubt he needs to be told again directly. It seems a bit rude really; sort of like "remember that time your dad was killed?" Introducing past history is often much more smoother when it's performed by the narrator rather than one of the characters.
'heading west with everything they could carry' - this would be another ideal moment to throw some more detail around.
'exodus' - this word literally comes straight from the Bible, so unless everyone is Christian or Jewish, I might recommend an alternative.
'"I wish it was!" muttered Jacob disparagingly, parsing his thin lips' - the muttered sort of contradicts the exclamation mark. It's very hard to mutter an exclamation. Also, disparagingly means to talk in a belittling tone, which I don't think Jacob is doing.
'I thought it only appropriate that you receive the proper treatment and due respect for one who has transcended the mortal plane ' - wait...so necromancers can go about raising other people from the dead, and they're the bad guys, but Charming can be raised from the dead and everyone's like 'that's a good thing'? Seems a little hypocritical. Now that I think of it...how was Charming raised from the dead? Are there good necromancers? I think there needs to be some clarification in regards to how this fantasy world views the undead.
Your write awesomely when you allow space for yourself to do so; very descriptive. The whole paragraph regarding Charming's dreams is executed extremely well, but it just seems like sometimes this strength takes too much of a backseat to action and dialogue. If I were you, I would be employing descriptive writing as often as possible, because when you give yourself the chance to describe things in detail, with striking metaphors, it's striking and impressively noticeable.