|Reviews for The Silent Saviour|
| TtN chapter 3 . 8/5/2012
Hey, it's Tonight's the Night, from fanfiction . net. I figured I'd review this, since we're working together on the Intergalactic Games.
1. I like the idea of a city divided into four sectors. That leaves your characters with enough enemies to fight, but not so many that it's hard to keep track of varying plotlines. If you play it right, it'll also allow you to give each group distinctive traits/habits/customs/rules/etc. Four groups is enough to cause plenty of tension while still being able to flesh out every character.
2. I think the first chapter needs more detail. I don't mean world-building or info-dumping, but more detail on Seren's motivations/emotions will help round out the shorter chapter, as well as provide some character information and probably more setting detail. As you add detail, don't be surprised to find your chapter lengths getting a lot longer, and your writing clearer. When adding detail, try to accomplish more than one thing at a time. For example, if you have to describe a character, use language that conveys the POV character's feelings about that person, with careful word choice and details to show whether they admire that person or dislike them. By having every detail have two or more purposes, you'll add a layer to your writing that will give it a lot of depth and make it better overall.
3. Occasionally, you slip into Passive Voice. Generally, when writing fiction, you want to use Active Voice whenever possible. It's more interesting and less wordy. Take this sentence for example: "The oath was said." This is in Passive Voice, because the subject of the sentence is the thing being acted upon, rather than something acting upon the thing. To change it to Active Voice, you could write it like this: "She said the oath." It's more clear, and it's less likely to pull readers out of the story. I'm not saying that you can't use Passive Voice, or that Active Voice is right for every situation, but unless you've got a good reason for doing it, stay away from Passive Voice in creative writing.
4. Some of the characterization here borders on Telling. Most of it is good, but there are a couple sentences that are a little too blatant in their meaning, such as this phrase: "until she remembers the venom in Evander's eyes." It's a bit too strong and direct, I think, and it makes me feel like you're really trying to prove to your readers that Evander is constantly venomous/angry. On the other hand, you have good sections, where you Show a character's personality, such as when Evander said this: "'I'm starting to get the impression you don't often think.'" This quip showcases a bit of humor, as well as a bit of cruelty and anger, and it really Shows who Evander is, while still being subtle enough that readers won't feel railroaded into listening to one characterization. It takes a long time to learn to pinpoint little bits where you Tell instead of Show, but learning how to pick them out will make the writing better overall.
5. Minor thing here, but a lot of writers do this, so I'm compelled to mention it: you can't use non-speaking verbs in place of said. Your characters, for instance, can't "smile" a sentence. They can "say" something, "scream" it, "whisper" it, but they cannot "smile" it. It doesn't make sense. You don't do this all the time, but it does come up occasionally. Instead of writing it as a dialogue tag, try writing it like this: "'I promise.' Seren smiles." Separating the sentences allows each to stand on its own, and the fact that Seren is smiling immediately after the dialogue ends implies that the words belong to her, so it doesn't change the meaning so much as it makes the writing look more professional.
Anyway, this seems like a pretty good start. Keep working at it, and take some time with details such as world-building, and you'll get even better.
Tonight's the Night.
| KikaLee chapter 2 . 6/5/2012
Despite not knowing a lot of stuff, I really like this. I like her name too. Seren. It kind of sounds like Siren. I don't know, it just has a nice ring in my head. Along with Evander. Overall, I think this is a great story so far! I can't wait to read more and do update soon! :)
| Ed Harley chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
Looks like a big adventure; I do like a girl who knows how to use a grappling hook. Question: is she trying to climb up the gutter to get on the roof? Also I’m trying to imagine what this means: a strange, horizontal walk upwards.
| mingsquared chapter 1 . 6/2/2012
I like the concept and the world of this story. I know you're trying to keep it short but I would actually caution you on it, especially in the first chapter. Of course, too long of a chapter can cause boredom but at the same time if it's too short, it'll become dry. Try incorporating some world building, thoughts, and emotions in the first couple of chapters. They are the most critical chapters, as they will decide whether or not readers will stay hooked. With that being said, I look forward to seeing where you'll go with this.