|Reviews for The New Life|
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 3 . 10/10/2012
I like the little tidbits we get into Dash's life, personality, and the 'way things were' between himself, Joss and Jarek before the outset of the story. It's interesting to see a little into that window, both as a point of reference in comparison to the chaos he's dealing with at present, and simply to give him a little more substance.
In this chapter I'm most iffy about Jarek's fight scene with the robots. I still think a human taking on robots (who are clearly already dominant in society) and winning in a physical fight is very difficult to believe, rationally. It makes some sense that humans might design an easy (or marginally easy) to access "shut down" mechanism - maybe even one Jarek could get to by fighting (though usually such things seem to be a bit more precise - a button or switch tucked away somewhere). But if it *was* easy enough to access that a kick could do it, one would think more humans would have figured it out and the robots would have either compensated by making the shut down harder to access (or non-existent) - OR robots wouldn't be in control.
I suppose part of it is that it doesn't really seem to be a battle for most people - society is just going on more or less peacefully for many. But trouble is absolutely brewing under the surface and so it just...makes my mind do knots. :P
Still an interesting chapter. :)
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 10/5/2012
I like the revelation of more information about this world. It makes it more concrete and answers some of the questions posed by last chapter's situation.
["I don't even know what happened," Jarek told Dash.] Seems like everything's been in present tense, so I think it should be "tells" not "told".
Interesting info about not being able to cry and not being able to control anger. I wonder - since there are enough oddities about this world already - if they meant those absolutely literally and if they have something to do with their genes. Very curious.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 10/5/2012
[When he heard that, Jarek stood up and punched them all out...] He punched out a robot? XD This seems odd to me. Maybe he would have a fit, yeah, go beserk, sure, scream at them, attack them, even. But punching metal doesn't sound like a good idea, and generally 'punching someone out' is...well, it just feels like something you do with other people, not objects.
I do like that from the get go, we get the sense that this is not a normal hospital (in the sense that we would think of it in our modern day). Something is very different in this world, and by the time robots were mentioned, it didn't feel out of place - it just explained a little more of this world they're living in.
I wonder by the end what the bigger picture is. These 'robots' seem corrupt, definitely, and I wonder what they're position in society is - whether they're technically servants, equal to humans, or even above humans at this point. Very curious. And also, of course, I wonder what's going to happen to Dash. Nice start. :)
| Luckycool9 chapter 2 . 10/4/2012
I like the friendship between Jarek and Dash. It is cool to see a good friendship. I dislike how I am still confused to who died...was it Joss or someone else? I feel dumb but it was oddly worded.
| Luckycool9 chapter 1 . 10/4/2012
I like the way the main characters interact with the robots, it seems genuine. I even liked a little bit of romance. I disliked how it isn;t established that the main charatcers are humans or robots...it seemed odd...still this is epic!
| Annything chapter 1 . 8/16/2012
I am really disliking the whole "one-sentence-a-paragraph" thing. It seems really unnecessary, especially since you could've easily combined them. It looks odd, and it's not easy to read.
So, what do the robots have to do with the plot? Are they there for the plot or just... there?
I did like the detail in the beginning, and I have to admit, it did draw me in somewhat. Towards the end though you lacked detail and I found it... disappointing somewhat.
Just wondering, why did you say that that one android was attractive? [They were led down a whitewashed and bloodstained hall by a mildly attractive female android.] Who is thinking that the android is attractive?
I'm really confused, it's not making a lot of sense and it's hard to understand. The whole roughness of the words and the sort of "stop/go" pattern didn't help either. It's hard to understand, and I was really confused by the end of reading this. If I read more, I hope the situation will be better explained.
Anyway, Good luck with your writing. :D
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 8/10/2012
Wow, you really set up a rather interesting plot in a mere few sentences. I really like where this is going, especially since I didn't expect Dash to jump out the window like he did just moments after Joss's death. I'm really curious as to why he became a fugitive, and why Joss died in the first place. And, of course, why there are robots everywhere.
The only thing that I didn't like was the length. Except for that one paragraph in the middle, every paragraph was one sentence long. I don't know if this is the style you're going for, but I think some more detail added to make them longer than just one sentece would be a really nice touch.
Overall, you've set up a interesting story. :)
| The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 7/8/2012
Opening: I think you're using overusing the whole "he was running" setting. It may be better if you rephrased the situation a little. It almost makes me think he was running a marathon or something. Takes the interest out of the situation to be honest.
Writing: [It's some kind of language that not even the programmers understand, some kind of language that robots can understand.] - I'd say this is one of your less impressive sentences, and truth be told, you've come quite far but this is a little bit of a backpeddle. You're somewhat killing the effect of the statement by dragging it. If it's robo-speak, than it's obvious that robots can understand it.
Dialogue: I'm envious. Period. That was some very nifty dialogue. Dramatic, and well-visualised in their situation without a whole truckload of tags. Rare, but you've done it great.
Ending: I rather like this ending actually. This is /not/ the same case of the beginning, because there's a new and heavily emotional element to it. The short sentences serve to reinforce that.
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 6/26/2012
That was a day ago... [What was a day ago? Odd way to start a chapter, also, this is in past tense but the rest is in present, why?]
I didn't like the capital letters in Dash's dialogue, sometimes I think it comes off a little too comic-booky in writing, I would've liked it more emphasized in a speaker tag.
Well, after reading this chapter and remembering the last and the one that comes after this, i don't think I like the pacing of the novel as a whole right now. It's too quick for me - stuff is happening fast and without time for realistic reflection. The reflection here just felt a little forced, like the characters needed a reason to re-account what happened for the reader's sake so they sat down and talked it out - instead of continuing to try to outsmart the law and get away (which is why I would've done or expected them to do). So the motivations fell a little flat here.
I liked the settings, the way you created the New City and Old Town - is there an Old City though? But yeah, you only really have two paragraphs describing the settings that just kind of tell us about them, and even though they sound cool, I would've liked more description from the actual surroundings, other than just "they sat on the ground". What color was it, were there trees around? What did it smell like, could they hear anything? More sensory stuff. But overall this was well written and I didn't find any errors, so that made it a good read too :)
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 6/20/2012
It's some kind of language that not even the programmers understand, some kind of language that robots can understand. [Awkward wording in the last clause. Maybe, "it's some kind of language *only* robots understand. Tighten it up, cut out the useless words.]
They're big MACdos. Masculine Android Criminal detection operating systems. [Oh, creative! I like the acronym.]
I liked the description of the female android, you did a good job playing on Dash's characterizations about how he feels concerning her/other androids.
Fighting humans is never the way the fembots work. They sit, look pretty, and do a few useful jobs. [Welp, that's pretty sexist. Glad to see the future adheres to terrible gender constructs just like today, lol. But I do like that you mention this though, because it shows no progress has been made on that front in your future - I'd be interested in android rights too, since they seem so human most of the time.]
He doesn't like blood very much at all. [This could omit "very much at all" and be a stronger sentence for me.]
I think it's kind of silly that Dash goes back to his neighborhood right after being chased. Realistically for me, the bots would already have showed up there immediately after he ran in ch. 1, especially since there's been a bit of time since then too. It just doesn't feel realistic in that sense. At the same time though, I'm glad that Dash got some characterization by reminiscing in his home, we get to know more about him that way. I'm just surprised he didn't get caught. I think I like this best out of all your stories so far though (the chaptered ones, anyway), and I look forward to more.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 3 . 6/18/2012
I thought the beginning paragraph was very interesting with how the robots can understand each other but humans can't understand them. I think it does a great job with the power play in this society, because I'm starting to wonder who is in charge of who. Almost sounds like the machines have all the power.
I don't know if it's just because I haven't read the other two chapters in awhile, but I can't remember why they're running. Were they accused to killing Joss? Perhaps backtrack and re-mention it again for slow people like me.
I really thought that observation of Dash's about the female robot turning him on was funny. It also says a lot about his character, though. I also felt sorry for him as he went back to his house and was remembering all the things him, Joss and Jerek used to do.
I noticed a few comma splices in this chapter, so when you go back and edit make sure to keep an eye out for them.
| Kharmaoftherainbow chapter 3 . 6/15/2012
Your last line was delivered in such a perfect way that it made me chuckle. What can I say - I'm a sucker for understatement.
Just a few tweaks I'd suggest. Firstly, this is a kind of fast-paced chapter, but you could do with a little more "bulk" when it comes to paragraphs. Try adding a bit more detail or transitional sentences/words between some of your shorter paragraphs to group them together, maybe? It helps the reader get a consistent feeling instead of jumping around.
Also, the comma splice problem I mentioned in Phantom is present here too if you want to check into that. If not, then not
| this wild abyss chapter 2 . 6/13/2012
I liked the conversation between these two characters because it gives insight into their relationship. I also thought you had a good end because it picked up the tension of the moment and pushed the reader into the next chapter.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/12/2012
I liked the description you started out with because it was unique and well written. I thought you had a good choice in wording and phrasing there.
The pace might have been a little fast and I would have liked to get more character background with this. As it is I feel like there's not enough information to made a really solid hook, so I'm left wanting more.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 3 . 6/12/2012
This could probably use some variance in tone, since he's just running around this whole chapter.
But, I mean, for a multi-chapter chase scene, this works well.