|Reviews for The Misadventures of Wonder Boy|
| Ri Kylee chapter 10 . 7/31/2012
Go, mama, go!
"and he looks up and smile for her. She always remembered the marshmallows, and as simple as it was, that always made him feel happy."
"Smile for her" doesn't make a lot of sense- and you switched tenses. c:
| Ri Kylee chapter 9 . 7/20/2012
xD Here you are, kid, I got you some things to try and suicide off of...
I love how Jonas is just clearly a lazy alcoholic on the inside... and the outside... and all over... xD
| Ri Kylee chapter 8 . 7/20/2012
Ewh. I don't like David already. xD
"I this weren't the family business"
Sjure, then hit me with suicide. D:
"That type of weight on her shoulder"
Isn't that usually shoulders?
| Ri Kylee chapter 7 . 6/25/2012
BE HAPPY WITH HIM, EVERETT. BE HAPPY. xD
"Mr. Cunningham," a secretary, almost too new to be annoying, says, standing in front of his desk. He rubs at his eyes, broken from his stream of thought, and stares back at her. She is holding a pot of coffee. "Melissa said you might want a refill…"
This is just... awkward? I don't like how you worded the bit about how new the secretary is. Maybe just have her say that she asked, and then explain in a sentence after that she's too new to be annoying.
"Sure, people brought him coffee all the time—interns, that is, who weren't really considered people in the office, brought him coffee all the time."
you don't need to copy 'all the time' love. I'd cut it off at 'office'.
" A secretary however, and because Melissa had asked her too."
This is just sort of... tossed in there? The first few sentences of this paragraph aren't really connected.
" working for Cunningham Industries since getting his business degree"
I feel like the bit about the degree makes the sentence feel too long.
" bats her eyelashes in a way that Everett thought was only an expression."
I'm thinking you have italics missing somewhere... xD All of his thoughts are in regular type.
... I don't like Danielle already. /shot
No, she seems nice. We shall see. Although I'm not a fan of his other workmates.
| Ri Kylee chapter 6 . 6/25/2012
DON'T JUMP. QAQ
You're missing a comma, missy. c:
I love Jonas, just saying.
Also, I love the almost sky-high feel to the 'let's see what you can do'. xD Are we going to start dropping cars on him or something, to see if he has super strength?
| Ri Kylee chapter 5 . 6/25/2012
Use the word 'bar' less in the first paragraph- it feels a bit repetitive.
That's really the only thing in this chapter. c:
I like it I like it I like it!
| Ri Kylee chapter 4 . 6/25/2012
Awe! I love you too. QAQ
"watching as people pass by ahead of him"
Shouldn't this be 'in front of him'?
"Whenever someone does, he stares at them, judges them, wonders, could that person possibly be crazy enough to believe in some boy that claims he can fly, crazy enough to want to help?"
Maybe make this onto two sentences, after 'wonders'? It just doesn't flow nicely the way it is now, with the punctuation.
"Once, someone passes that he recognizes."
This just feels really awkward- I'm not sure if it's the tense, or the wording, but I thought it seemed... off.
"Only moments later, though, he is tackled to"
Though. That is all.
You gave a homeless man one of my favorite names. Also, the new character I'm putting into SSHS whenever I finally type it is named Jonas. xD Although mine isn't homeless...
" Perhaps because of the way he was dressed, but at least he wasn't undercover as a hobo."
This is awkward.
Aaaand he isn't a hobo anymore. I liked crazy hobo Jonas...
My only real comment overall is that you need to watch your tense, missy. I feel like it's jumping all over the place.
But I liked it
| Ri Kylee chapter 3 . 6/8/2012
I'm still at school, but I have about fifteen minutes before they kick me out of the library. I can do this!
"I shouldn't even be alive,"
Maybe make this italicized to show thought?
He flew. - HE FLEW. EVERETT, WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON, AND WHERE CAN I GET A HOLD ON SOME FOR MYSELF? I WANT TO FLY. D:
... why was Everett in a hotel? Or did I read something wrong?
And I love his interaction with the taxi driver. xD
Although I'm a little confused. - but I could just be confusing myself...
| Ri Kylee chapter 2 . 6/8/2012
The school internet won't let me log in for some reason. D:
Anyway, the first thing that I found:
""your father doesn't "
Should 'your' be captitalized? I always find those things fishy- it seems like it should be, but it doesn't look right...
"What's best for me, right mom? You always take his side."
I think there should be a comma after 'right'.
"Her hand s are now wrapping around his"
There is a space between hand and the s? I just thought you should know. c:
"Part of him sympathizes, knows how hard it can be to search out just the right words, another part, however, is defiant,"
I'd make this into two sentences? Have a period after 'words'?
"unwittingly she manages to stab Everett's soul, crush him."
Make this its own sentence?
""Is everything okay, are you going to be okay?"
Using okay twice seems sort of... repetitive... and you forgot the quotation marks at the end of her speech. c:
DON'T DO IT, EVERETT. DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME IN CHAPTER TWO. I WILL FIND YOU AND BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN MY SELF. D
| Ri Kylee chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
Fancy seeing you here.
I just found a few things:
"Everett nods along as the lower board member speaks on with overly enthusiastic words about little details that Everett couldn't care less about, but he knows and they know that he might as well not even be there."
This felt a little bit run on? Maybe chop it into two sentences?
"She cries out in pain as the man shoves her forward without letting go of her arm. "B-but I don't know where he is!" she cries as he shoves her forward."
It feels a little redundant that you mention her being shoved forward twice?
I love your use of the word 'strumpet'.
And woah, woah, woah. Taking a bullet to the head with no damage? I like this guy. Though I'm not sure I'm so fond of his coworkers.
... now back to my studying. xD