Reviews for Malibu Fun
AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 6 . 8/10/2012
I think that Alex exaggerates her emotions - and that's not an unrealistic thing. A lot of people make things out to be bigger than they actually are. I think this just adds to her character - she's very sensitive/emotional and she forgives easily. These qualities somewhat make up a needy person.

I like this Justin guy, he seems nice - a change compared to her last relationships. Again, though, I think you're moving with your relationships a bit too fast. You need to stretch out the time or add scenes in between.

Your grammar and spelling seems to be fine - nothing too noticeable. Keep it up. This review has been brought to you by the Review Game's Review Marathon! Check out the link in my profile.
AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 5 . 8/10/2012
At the beginning of this chapter where you have the MC and Ryan sharing his bed...I think that their relationship is a bit face paced. I feel like you're rushing this story just a bit.

Hey! She realized that Ryan's a creep! Good job Alex! And there goes Ryan's anger issues while Chad's talking about her hotness to him...hahaha, that was expected.

The end of this chapter made me want to keep reading onto the next chapter. So, as long as you keep your hooks and cliff hangers strong, you should be good.
AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 4 . 8/10/2012
I think Chad's character is a bit exaggerated. Either that, or he's just really as creep and controlling as you're making him sound. I just can't see someone walking up to a girl and saying some of the things he says ["It's Chad, the love of your life."] - that's just...I can't see anyone saying that.

And Emma seems kind of stupid/oblivious for going out with Chad - is he not creepy around her?

I thought it was kind of funny when Chad was threatening that she'd never see Ryan again and he was just down in the lobby. I thought that was a little predictable, but at the same time I expected him to actually be evil and kidnap Ryan. Either way, it was cute how you played that part out.
AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 3 . 8/10/2012
I think it's clear that you want Ryan's character to have anger management problems but again, some of the things he's doing it makes it very clear that that's what you're going for. I can tell that he just has him moments. Maybe he should be caught taking meds. for his issues? Just a thought, so other people don't think that your characters are way out of proportion.

I think that your female character is too forgiving! But that's a personal thing. I would not forgive people so easily for some of the things she went through. But, then again, I'm not your character.

I think it makes me feel awkward when you put an amount of seconds on how long your characters kiss. It's just...weird. I'd really like to see more characterization too.
AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 2 . 8/10/2012
I would have liked to see a scene on the plane instead of just saying they were on it for 5 hours. It seems rushed, you could have spent a whole chapter on that alone.

Some of the things your characters say and do don't seem realistic. Asking yourself if you would actually say/do some of these things might help with that.

I would like to see more detail - what they're wearing, what their surroundings look like. It's more of a personal preference, though. I just like to see what I'm reading, so adding a little detail here and there seems to make it more natural.

Overall, good story! This review has been brought to you by the Review Game's Review Marathon! Check out the link in my profile.
peetzahjoe chapter 2 . 6/16/2012
The plot-line is good. Minor grammar errors and it seems to jump around a bit :x

But overall it could turn into an amazing story :)
AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
I'd say that this story has a lot of dialog in it. Sometimes that's good and sometimes not. It also depends on the author's style. Personally, though, I'd like to know more of what Alexandra is thinking. Maybe you could throw in background knowledge and more details about the setting to make it not all dialog. Just a thought.

Keep writing and I will keep reading. Practice leads to perfection :)