Reviews for Prisoner
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/4/2012
The idea of this interested me because I have a huge *fear* related to comatose stasis. It's like this creepy void of absolute helplessness and endlessness which fascinates and terrifies me (and makes me very scared of being put under by doctors). Whatever I expected when I opened this up, though, I didn't get it. It's not *bad* - it's just quite different.

Right here - [And it gets colder. Crying. Mum's crying.] - I got this gut wrenching feeling that the plug was about to be pulled on him. I mean, I know the crying could just be because of the state he's in, but that idea hit me. Unfortunately, I guess I'll never know. Maybe the cold and the black hole feeling mean that, but those were spoken of earlier, too, so...

I guess it's a very neutral ending and one could imagine just about anything happening.

- Moonstar
yWrite chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
The opening is good, despite how much it contrasts with the way the narrator speaks on the rest of his thoughts. It shows that he is a deeper character than one can judge by the ensuing lines. And many people in real life are capable of that switch from rough to philosophical talk.

The ambiguity in both the story and the title is perfect. The narrator does not seem to know where he is, and the audience is meant to interpret their own setting. If not for the plot summary, I could see him in an actual prison, or Heaven, or Hell, as well as a hospital.
A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
Hey! So your first comparison, with the fog and the feather, was extremely interesting, but took some mulling over to imagine. The last comparison was probably the most imaginable. Should have a comma between "bright" and "really." I think "burnt" should be "burned," if I'm not mistaken. How is being in a coma better than being an active kid? Especially when you then say "anything's better than this hole." Should have a colla after that "hole," too. Actually, hell is described in the Bible as a lake of fire and eternal torment while heaven is described as eternal life, much as we have, but without anything bad at all. There are also rivers and streets of gold. Basically, hell is the absence of all that is good while heaven is all that is good. I won't mention any more grammar stuff :-) Trading magazines? Starting to see how the coma may beat this lifestyle. The ending was a bit abrupt, too. Interesting characterization!
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 8/12/2012

[As if you're suddenly stuck in the middle of a desert with no oasis in sight after a week at one of the most expensive resorts on Hawaii?] I feel like this sentence is a little long and unbroken. Should "with no oasis in sight" be in commas? I feel like it's an interrupting phrase (or whatever you call it), and that'd make it easier to read.

I love the opening paragraph. The body-related description has great impact, and it catches immediate attention. I wonder why I haven't read this one yet. :/

[It used to be light. Fucking bright. Too bright really. Burnt like hell, them Polaroid cameras flashing all over the place.] I love the fragments and the improper grammar here, it really adds to the tone of the piece.

I love all the descriptions in this piece. They're really punchy. I think they add so much to the story. Great job! This one's one of my favorites.

And sorry for taking so long XD.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
I thought the beginning paragraph of this came off a little too wordy, almost like the vocabulary doesn't match the rest of the story when the character starts to use cruder sentences and descriptions. It's not even the whole first paragraph that threw me off, either, just the first three sentences. Like, 'protective casing' just seemed a little too excessive. Why not say 'lids'? It gets across the same picture and it's simpler, better matching the tone of an arrogant, hot-tempered guy like I picture the narrator to be. Also, 'feather of pain' came off a little strange to me since I don't normally associate a feather as being painful. Perhaps something like a needle or sand/dust? But then I guess it would effect the tickling part of the metaphor, too... hmm, I dunno. I don't really associate tickling with pain either, though I know what you're trying to say. Anything that touches your eyes will hurt after all, so I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make here, haha.

I really liked the rest of this, though. I thought it sounded a lot different than all your other work. This narrator was easily likable by me - but I tend to enjoy reading about characters who may come off as assholes or ignorant, or maybe even naive. I think it's their faults that really grab my attention, and I can tell right away this guy has a rather abrasive personality. You do a good job talking from his POV and getting into his character - I can detect a tone of anger and resentment.

It's somewhat sad to see someone like him locked away inside his own head, too. But I like how you take this period of his vulnerability and twist it into a more reflective time for him. Where at the beginning I found myself a little off-put by his tone, by the end of the short-story I was very interested in learning more about him. I actually felt sorry for him. I think what stood out most to me about him was how he compares Heaven to being boring. I think that says a lot about his character and beliefs.

Good job. I really enjoyed this - I thought you did an excellent job taking a moment of reflection and turning it into something that was very entertaining to read.
Animel chapter 1 . 6/15/2012

The end is definitely my favorite part. The last line especially made me realize just how tragic this scenario is because it really shows how the character is just an innocent boy, the typical adolescent thinking about girls even during such a desperate state of affairs. The inclusion of his mom particularly struck a note with me when he wanted her not to touch his hair but then felt cold when she stopped. It drove home the helpless feeling, and somehow I could just so relate to that circumstance because it can represent so much. Getting something to go away and then missing it, which is a theme of his thoughts, getting what you want and it's worse than before. Very sad.

The problem with the opening paragraph is that yes, everyone knows that feeling of being lost, but the rest of the metaphors are presented like common, relateable feelings when in fact they aren't at all. "Yeah, that feeling." implies that I as a reader should know exactly what it's like to be in the desert after a Hawaiian (what a weird word) resort, and I definitely don't.

Other minor things are that you use a pronoun for something before saying what it is, which can be confusing. E.g. "that got boring too. The bad-boy act." as opposed to "The bad boy act got boring, too." There was at least one other example of this, and it makes you have to go back, which disrupts the flow. And last note is the phrase "them Polaroids." Is that a dialect choice, because he doesn't speak like that through the rest of the story? If not, it should be "those polaroids" if so, maybe make that more clear.

Keep on writing and good luck!
Kharmaoftherainbow chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
I really enjoyed your phrasing; your stilted sentences and sort of meandering narration definitely make the piece. It puts me right there with your character, and although it was initially a little disconcerting, by the end I was absolutely enjoying it.

Ironically, that's also what I'd consider the biggest weakness of this one. Although your flow can definitely lend a helping hand to the story you're telling, your transitions from idea to idea are sometimes too abrupt. IMHO there are two ways you can fix this:

(1) Lengthen the piece and add some transitional-idea paragraphs

(2) Really strip down your sentences and make sure everything is very bare-minimum.

Overall I liked it though :)
professional griefer chapter 1 . 6/10/2012
I really like this one:)

It gives a really good overview of his life without being excessive and over-descriptive. I really enjoyed the first paragraph with all the questions, it introduces the story pretty well.

The ending was a bit surprising, to me at least. You set him up as this confident guy, but I didn't expect an accident or anything.

The length feels perfect, not too long to lose someone, but just long enough to set everything up and end everything.

I like your period use, having the short sentences brought the thoughts to life, gives it a bit of a frantic feel.

Really nice job.
Inkspilled chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
Interesting. One issue I have with this is that it's a bit of long-winded. If I hadn't read the summary, I would have no clue where he was. Maybe mention something like "I shouldn't have drank that windshield wiper fluid" or something to let us know that he's in a coma and why or how.

At the beginning, the similes and metaphors are a bit thick and extensive. In this case, it pulls my attention back a little, away from what's actually happening.

I think the description of the coma itself is interesting, the black, the cold, and cotton. Very bizarre, but these images stand out to me, I just wish I would have known he was in a coma all the while. Interesting read. :)

Best of Luck in the WCC!
Collen chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
It was an interesting short story, but I think maybe you were a little to... inconsistent with the swear words. It's like... there's a big 'bulge' of them in the middle, but then almost none near the end.

Anyway, I liked finding out the backstory of the main character along with what is happening to him in the narrative. I believe this is the first time I've read from the perspective of someone captured in oblivion. 'Prisoner' is a nice name for this story - because not only is he prisoner in death, he was prisoner in life, having nothing to do that interests him. He could only waddle in a vortex of boredom... or escape. Run. But escaping led to his death, and death led to his imprisonment.

It makes the reader think, I'll give you that.
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/8/2012
[From the Review Marathon, link in profile]

I would never call myself a minimalist writer; I love description and imagery. However, I do think you have too much going on in this piece. Too many adjectives and descriptive clauses. I don't like that because it forces the reader to wade through your prose and get down to the actual meat of it, which can be frustrating. Once you got past all that, I did think your narrator was strong, which I liked because even though we don't know a lot about them, their strength of voice makes them entertaining.

Good luck in the WCC!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/8/2012
It used to be light. Fucking bright. [This voice felt out-of-character from the way you've narrated the first two paragraphs. The character uses the word "crap" and then "heck", but then goes on to use "hell" and "fuck"-making me think that the "crap" should actually be "shit", and the other "heck" should be "hell". I mean at first I thought this narrator was a bit of a prude not cursing, haha! Then all of the sudden they say "fuck" and it felt wrong because they weren't using bad words in the beginning-made for an inconsistent voice for me]

Smoking pot in corners of the school-yard, tearing around the roads with his scooter ... [Using the "his" here felt awkward since you hadn't used it before-maybe "my" would feel more natural? If it was intentionally placed there, I'm not sure the effect worked for me]

High lane. Fast road. [I really enjoyed how you started this paragraph because I thought it worked well with the rhythm from the pervious one. I like it when authors pay attention to the rhythm of a line/sentence and how it sounds, especially when doing shorter sentences-even if it was unintentional. It was a nice accident, if so.]

As I said…to myself. [Instance where I don't think the ellipses is needed]

I really liked the last two lines, the effect was great and I like how the rant ended, it was well thought out and though this wasn't a super exciting piece with lots of action or anything, I think you summed up the narrative voice and the character well there. Overall there were some nice moments here that I found were really well written, and this was a cool character-piece. Well done, and best of luck in this month's WCC!
OneOriginalThing chapter 1 . 6/8/2012
The opening was very interesting, from the summary I could expect where you were going with it. And how you were going to utilize it. Which was a bit expected but sweet. I didn't like all the curse words, those made me slightly annoyed, just because I'm not a big cursing person. I liked how you gave us his history about the matter, and slowly made us guess where he was right now, which I assume is hell.
YuePantera chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
This saddened me as I read it. It's really well written and even though I almost cried, I really enjoyed it. Your words are very well picked and your imagery is nicely written. Good work. X