|Reviews for Vitam Corp|
| CuppaJoel chapter 1 . 1/27/2013
I love the twist at the end. At first, I figured the dream sequence was just a crazy person showing his distaste for the pills he's forced to take- and then you flip that on its head and make me rethink my whole perception of Stanley.
However, the line "She sighed and reminded herself that at least he'd been trying to hide it" gives me some confusion. What exactly is 'it'? Is 'it' the fact that he was experiencing some form of withdrawal, or is 'it' that everything special about his life came from a collection of pills?
This is really an interesting piece, despite it seeming incomplete in places. Very well written.
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 1/26/2013
Interesting, but it feels like we're only getting a small piece of a greater story.
Grammar is mostly good, but there are some commas missing.
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
I really enjoyed the writing in this. It mixed fantasy and reality beautifully; with the fantasy aspects have a wonderful gritty realistic feel to them. “. He spotted a shadow of wings, and struggled for a closer look,” a case in point: beautiful.
The beginning set the scene nicely, and set the pace at slow burn, that you maintain well throughout. You keep the reader hooked without resorting to blood and guts etc, I love that understated power.
“Mrs. Warburton, his secretary, stole glances at Stanley over the screen of her computer as he walked in” this threw me for a sec because in my mind I was still in the car, until I read ‘as he walked in’. but maybe the unsettling aspect of that helps with the unsettling atmosphere of the whole piece? The mixed povs certainly helps with that: its effective and surprisingly smooth, whilst also disrupting the readers experience of the piece.
“The liquid began filtering in from a set of holes placed all around the container… The water was at his knees.” This I had to reread to get what was happening. I think its because filtering seems like a small verb, like not much water is coming in, or like its coming in though tubes or something, then suddenly the water is round his knees. Again, potentially effective because its unsettling, but because it made me reread, I think the effect was too abrupt.
“he tapped his foot impatiently” Ditch the ‘impatiently’. The foot tapping gives that anyways.
Was there a reason Stanley Sault and Stacey all begin with S? just curious
The time line I wasn’t sure about either. I felt at first that he’d been on the pills a few months (not sure why), then they say “When you contacted me a year ago…” and then “Your job, your car, your wife.” That seemed the work of more than a year? The wife at least, anyways?
I found the ending interesting in that it never revealed the motive for what was happening – but I think I liked that because it prolongs that unsettling feeling beyond the last full stop. Its not all wrapped up neatly so everything is explained, the reader still feels like they are powerless in the hands of higher powers pulling the strings, not really knowing what’s going on. I like that.
Good luck in the WCC!
| Corvian King chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
I like this, it's an interesting concept. The idea that Mr. Sault was insane was easy to slip into, and it was a good twist for the pills to be causing the problems rather than solving them. The segment where Mr. Sault is heading for his meeting is well written, disorienting in much the same way that I expect it is to him, and I like how the pace suddenly resets once he makes it out through the revolving doors and onto the street.
All in all, I think this is a good concept and I'd definitely be interested in seeing you write more of it.
| starry-nights206 chapter 1 . 6/12/2012
Wow, this story was quite disturbing. I like how you built up to his state of panic/insanity with the girl with wings, the shadows, etc. All in all, this was a good read. :)
| motherloosegoose chapter 1 . 6/10/2012
I really liked this story, for multiple reasons.
First, your writing is beautiful, and extremely depictive. I could everything, every movment, every panic, and every emotion clearly.
Second, just the mood you set up made it intense for the reader.
Third, the idea alone is quite creative, but true at the same time. It goes to show how something huge, like a corp. can have control over everything, and the victom really has no choice but to obey. It's somewhat of a symbolism of what really goes on in the world.
Forth, you made the antagonists bascially win, and I love it when a writer does that, because it gets boreing when the protagonist wins at the end each and every single time.
I would actually love it if you expanded this story, into a multi-chapter fiction, because you have a good thing going. You could probably do it.:)
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
Wow. Really nice job with this. Your descripion is near perfect, I could evision almost everything that was happening.
Your action was good, it made sense and wasn't over-wordy, at least in my opinion.
One thing I had a problem with was understanding the concept, I wasn't quitesure I followed everything, but that could ust be me. In any event, maybe make it a bit clearer what's going on.
I liked the fairy girl, I thought that made it a bit more intriguing.
Really nice work.
| OneOriginalThing chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
Wow that's really messed up, I really liked the story though, it really said a lot about be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. It feels equivalent to selling your should to the devil. The story that is. He got everything but he lost his soul. Which leaves me with the question is that is he in hell? His own personal hell in which he is tormented through what he is scared most off? I'm really glad I got to read this story, it was AMAZING,
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/9/2012
Oh, this is really cool. I always love reading things that have to do with the mind, as well as literature that makes you wonder if what's going in is really happening. That occurred a few times while I was reading this, me being unsure if what Stanley is seeing/experiencing is indeed real. I think you did a really good job blurring the line between reality and madness, especially with how you used the other senses and how you made Stanley act/appear. The description of him being very haggard, sweating, and how his head was rushing did a great job showing his physical condition and how it reflects his mental condition as well.
The part in italics is where I started to really wonder if what he was experiencing was real. In fact, the ending makes me wonder this as well. Is this life that the corporation gave him really real, or is it all a lie they're using to control him while they use him as a test subject?
I really enjoyed how you compared the size of that small room to a coffin - it makes me wonder if you're foreshadowing that these pills he's taking are going to kill him. I also had a thought while reading that part where I was wondering if maybe he's in that small room for the entire story and he's just hallucinating a normal life. Very cool ideas that were executed extremely well - this really made me think and allowed my imagination to run wild. I always enjoy it when a piece of writing can do that to me. Not to mention you crammed so much within just a few words - but it doesn't feel rushed at all. I thought the pacing was very nice and even.
And I can't help wonder what that girl with wings symbolizes. Hmmm... that's going to take me awhile to come up with an answer.
Good luck in the WCC!
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/8/2012
[From the Review Marathon, link in profile]
This one is really interesting, I think. I loved the way you showed Stanley's compulsion in the beginning; his reaction to it was really telling of his character and set the stage of the rest of the piece. I like the voice in his head; it had a really great, creepy-type tone to it that worked well for the piece. The opening scene was definitely my favorite, all in all.
Good luck in the WCC!