Reviews for Animal Identity
Guest chapter 1 . 2/8/2014
This was a nice opening for your story and I liked all of the discriptive imagery you used. The point of view is a bit confusing. It would help if you would latch onto one character in order for everything to be clearer and more understandable. There are many characters introduced in just a short amount of time, so to help the reader understand who is who spend more time on the descriptions of the characters. Where are they standing? What are they wearing? The setting isn't very clear either, I understand that they are in some room but if you could make that clearer that would be great.
TigeressRawr chapter 4 . 9/15/2013
LOL it's pretty funny. I dunno why but the conversations in this story reminds me of walking through the halls of high school. The things people say... :D And I'm actually so clueless. Pretty much like the new-girl. :P
XxCliche-SpicexX chapter 1 . 6/20/2013
I was initially hooked by your opening line. It has just enough description and intrigue for me to keep reading!
Blueberry Neko chapter 1 . 5/6/2013
So sweet :)
Tech Rathgen chapter 10 . 3/9/2013
This I could tell that you put a lot of work into it and I find that to be a great thing. This chapter has some wings on it. Very bravo. There were some funny moments in this chapter. Some moments that surprised me. The moment that made me laugh, even if unintentional, was "they were grabbing a sack of grease" and I also laughed at some of the things that the characters said. I like stories like this. So far, I'm seeing some new traits in Madolin. She seems like she really hopes to have a date with Hawkin, yet he seems a little misguided. Misguidance is a good thing and I do agree with Madolin that there should have been a conversation with the date, however I won't argue since the chapter title says it all. Great job on this chapter. Bravo.
Risen Brimille chapter 4 . 2/25/2013
Before she could even take a step towards them
Before, she only mentions that Hawkin calls her. She makes no comment about him being with a group. You might want to put something about him motioning for her to join them.

"Why don't you come sit with us."
This is a question. Some people end questions with periods, but Hawkin doesn't say this forcefully enough to make it a statement.

He'd noticed something else, something missing
Try an elipsis here. It would emphasize the point that Kamill's missing.

It was like watching two people beat eachother down into bloody shells of themselves, but it was worse, because these were his parents
You don't need a comma after 'but it was worse'.

The good things about this chapter:
I really liked the use of vocab. It wasn't so hard that one would have to look it up in a dictionary, but it was very professional sounding.
I like the scene with Madolin and Kamill. You really should have Kamill find himself having a crush on her!
Hawkin's heart is acting up! :'( I really pity him here. Good job with pulling on the reader's heartstrings! You really had me feeling horrible for him.
I sense that as the story goes on, Hawkin will become more of the main character. You might want to catagorize this story differently, but that's just my opinion. I can't wait to see where you take the plot from here x3.
Hawkin is my favorite character :DD

P.S. Some of your readers are guys.
"Review if you think Hawkin is a sexy beast!" Just thought I'd bring that to your attention x33 haha.

As always, keep writing sis, and I hope you take my review to heart.
Tech Rathgen chapter 9 . 1/19/2013
I liked the chapter. I do think that the characters do still exhibit plenty of emotion. The chapter was very short, so there isn't a whole lot I can say about this particular chapter. When I read the end of the chapter, I almost feel like it could have been longer, like she was going to tell him something. Don't get me wrong, cliff hangers are always great, just not all the time. I will continue to read more of the book in hopes that the story will continue to evolve. I do think this story does have potential to be something more. Don't give up and keep trying. I'll keep reviewing when I can.
Risen Brimille chapter 2 . 12/18/2012
"Let me know how that's working out for you." You should say something more along the lines of how that works out for you, as what you have now implies she should tell him how it's working now...

I only saw a couple of things I had to reread. One suggestion: more High-school age jokes. This does not mean inapropriate ones, just more stuff that High-schoolers would actually laugh at. Some of Hawkin's jokes need some 'beefing up'.

Other than that, everything else I saw was positive. I especially like the comment about Hawkin's life being like something straight from a Lifetime Movie Network drama. You got a big laugh out of me for that one :D

Awww... poor Kamill, getting left in the dust again. :'( Makes you want to cry, doesn't it? Maybe a 'love scene' between Kamill and Madolin would be suiting at some point. Madolin thinks she's being nice, Kamill thinks she has a crush on him. When he gets ignored so often, it wouldn't be unbelievable that he'd jump to that conclusion if she showed intrest in him, haha!

Good work! I love where it's going and I look forward to more, more, MORE! Keep writing, and remember... I love ya, sis!
Risen Brimille chapter 1 . 12/5/2012
Very attention getting. I like the way you portray mr. Talon's insecurities on the matter.

I do have a couple quick fixes though... you had Ms. unnamed lady tell Mr. Vordic to take the teacher to the car to discuss the matter. But di he leave her alone in the car? This may not have been a mistake, but I just thought I'd let you know about my confusion. Also, in "...blank, as the dark, teeming..." you don't have to put a comma between 'blank' and 'as'.

Other than that, I love the beginning. Like I said, it's very eyecatching. It makes the reader curious, and anxious for more.

As not only your sister but an author too, I have to say I'm rather impressed. You've pinned the characters personalities. Keep working at it and don't worry about coating the paragraphs with imagry, although I think your doing alright at that at the moment.


Risen Brimille

P.S. Make sure you're posting often *nag, nag* :D
Ditto123 chapter 13 . 11/28/2012
I was anxious the whole time I was reading this. I kept on thinking back to the prologue and it's ending. Ugh I don't think I can wait very long for the next chapter -.- but you should still take your time writing out the next chapter. S2
Ditto123 chapter 12 . 11/28/2012
Oh my... I wonder why Madoline screamed. This was short but good. Hahaha I'm jealouse how you manage to keep me on edge whenever I read your chapters :)
Lolitroy chapter 13 . 11/28/2012
Tech Rathgen chapter 8 . 11/19/2012
So far I like where this book is going. This chapter had a laid back feel to it and it made it fun to read. The subject of math is an interesting subject to dwell into and it works. That kid is still missing. You'd think that they would find him by now. Hawkin and Madolin are still full of life and that's a great thing. Keep it up.
Lolitroy chapter 9 . 11/13/2012
Most of the time I ignore stories with the type of summary you used but I dunno. This just called my attention. And I don't regret it. It's pretty good :D
Tech Rathgen chapter 6 . 11/3/2012
Now this is quite a different chapter. It started out as something serious and I enjoyed that. It seemed like we were going to have a bit of action and it was just over the top. Awesome. Yet, you were still able to throw in a curve ball and make me laugh. You're great at this writing thing. Also, to find out that something dark/funny happened because Hawkin couldn't was a brilliant humorous yarn. I hope to read more from you. Keep it up.
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