|Reviews for dizzy kids|
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 6 . 8/7/2012
I take it someone's having a bad day.
Your consistent repetition worked very well throughout, especially when you played around with it ('Pieced together pieces', 'crack against snapping spines'). The tone was glaring and had me reading with a quick, angry pace, and the obvious subject worked well here; it allowed for more appreciation of what you were doing with the words, not just the underlying meaning. I'm not sure about the fifth stanza, though, as it doesn't quite gel with the others. I think you have it in you to turn it into something special.
Cheers for the reads again.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 5 . 8/7/2012
'swinging on the swings' - loved that line.
This is exactly the mix of show and tell I enjoy. I'm not sure what your true intentions are here - even with the quote - and not everything makes sense to me, but the bits that do are giving me enough info that I'm enjoying guessing the rest. There's plenty of room for audience interpretative, and I think that's what the best poetry is comprised of.
Fun words here, that even though things seemed a little dark in tone, I found myself reading it with a bounce. Might not have been your intended tempo, but hey, it's all about the interpretation.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 5 . 8/5/2012
Yay, poem company. :)
Starting from the top...it's certainly interesting that you've chosen to start without a fullstop. Normally I don't like that, but in this case it seems to have meaning as you're talking about autumn, it suggests to me as being in the middle or towards the end of something so the lack of capital really helps that imagery along.
I don't like the word "intermingled" as it seems unnecessarily dragging - I'm sure you could have gotten your point across with something shorter and perhaps subtler.
The lack of capital in the third line seems odd though, as you haven't followed that style through with consequent paragraphs so it spells an inconsistency.
I like the comparison between the kids and the adults there; no innocence in that image, but the bitter harsh reality of being left behind. Abandoned of sorts, although I get the feeling this is metaphorical abandonment in stead of physical abandonment.
[cric-crunched-] - I love how you threw that in; I could really hear the sound at that point.
I don't like the use of a name here because it sort of narrows down the focus of the poem; I found it far more engaging when I didn't know who was talking.
I like the ending. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure why. I don't like the use of [sanguine] and I feel the previous stanza was a little disjointed.
Sorry for the dissection.
Best of luck in the WCC.
| FrostKnight chapter 5 . 8/5/2012
Alright. First of all, I like your choice of words in this. It's very lovely. For instance, splatter crash. Very strange, but amusing and original at the same time. :) I also love the word splatterpark, though it's probably meant to be morbid. I love how you can interpret this in so many ways. I for one, interpretted it as death, or bullying.
What I didn't like, and set me off, was the short lines, if you know what I mean. I feel as if they interupted the flow of the poem, and I feel as if you could have done a bit better in the flow. And just to leave a better impression on your talent, it's always best to capitalize the first letter.
Very deep words here. I find it a bit of a sardonic retelling of a bullying. Though that's just me. Great job, dear, and if you have anymore questions as to how I intrepretted it, just PM me. ;) Very good job, dear.
| NearlyPrescient chapter 5 . 8/4/2012
interesting combination of the mundane, childish park with the gore and splatter of such a "sanguine scene." there's something sinister about it all, but darkly and realistically so rather than overdone or fantastical.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 4 . 8/4/2012
Bacteriophage. You just taught me a new word.
You've got some fine poetic skills here. I'm not much of an expert so i really haven't been able to give that much advice, so sorry about that. But I have enjoyed your works, so hopefully you do post some more.
And what's this about your fears of not being able to publish them?
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 3 . 8/4/2012
I love the grit employed here. 'The melted organs stuck, dried fast to paint-chipped walls and jaundiced ceilings' is probably my favourite line, and I don't think it deteriorated towards the end. Probably my favourite one so far.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 2 . 8/4/2012
Again, some wonderful images ('bathed in whiskey' I enjoyed) and the juxtaposing of the doubt and confidence was well executed. I think the subject is great, though I believe you could afford to perhaps bury the meaning a little deeper. It's probably just me, but I enjoy having to really ponder the words for their true intentions. Still, another good job.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 1 . 8/4/2012
I love the ambiguity, and a the same time the startlingly specific and clear images. The beetle eyes were particularly awesome, and I especially enjoyed how the emotion of the final stanza was brought to life by the confused language. No real suggestions I can make; you seem to know your poetry.
| NearlyPrescient chapter 2 . 6/13/2012
Really like this one.
Might be nitpicky but the "used to" line seems like a mouthful. I can see how it'd read as something different if it was just "looked" though, unless there was a "before" in there somewhere. In either case, really liked what you did with this one.
| NearlyPrescient chapter 1 . 6/13/2012
Looks like I've got a fair bit to catch up on from the past few weeks. I'm not complaining.
Interesting breakdown at the end. I'm not sure I like the listing there, though, as it seems a bit much when it's unpunctuated. But then again, maybe that's the point.
| SmashedIce.X chapter 2 . 6/12/2012
These are good, great work so far! Are you going to be writing some more for this collection?