|Reviews for Damsels In Distress|
| Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 7/5/2012
I didn't even read the whole of your summary. Kidnapping princesses as a business! Seriously? Why has no one thought of that before? I'm so hooked, please don't disappoint me.
I love your smile, it's very snappy and humourous. That said though there are a lot of characters to get to grips with in the first few paragraphs. I didn't initally realise Kay was Prince Kayver, slow I know, but the fact that Matilda and Rudolpho were given titles and then Kay was just palin old Kay made me think he was a plucky serving man about to make his name, not a prince too.
Loving the TMs 'Call to Action' hehe. I can see why that would be annoying.
Although the stories of Kay's previous disappointments are amusing, it does take a long time to get to the point of the action.
That said, he likes princes, does he? This got even more compelling.
Clarissa? I thought it was Matilda? Oh, Clarissa is a fairy? That's all a bit confusing.
Ah, so that's why he's sharing the bed with the servingman! I thought it was, you know, economy because they were already on their way to the rescue. Amazing how I presume things, but very funny to laugh at myself when I realised.
I'd like to meet Aggie. Given how you've reinterpreted Prince Charming I'd like to see what you do with the wicked queen.
This was a good read, thankyou.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 2 . 6/22/2012
Faerie Godmothers Association, Inc is badassery, LOL. Actually, I love all the TMs and modern twists, it's quite hilarious.
I like the pacing better than in the last chapter (when I read it, which was a while ago). This reads easier and has an almost conversational tone to it.
"His allergy to the sparkling pink-and-silver dust the creatures left in their wake didn't really help his perception of the little twits either." Allergic to fairy dust? LOL. I haven't heard that one before.
I also think it's awesome that he wants to kill the Faerie. Who hates Faeries?.
Not such a big fan of the "pregnant pause". I guess I have a personal thing against that phrase. I feel like it's distracting; the readers trying to picture a pause that's pregnant, and then nobody knows what a pause is anyway, and what the heck is it pregnant with?
"The fourth princess, chained naked to a rock and left to be eaten by sea monsters?" Princess Andromeda? Heehee.
And he isn't wearing pants. Awesome. I like the break that creates in the tension.
Overall, I like this a lot better than I did when I first read it.
| this wild abyss chapter 4 . 6/22/2012
[Opening] In the previous chapter you never mentioned the other prince's name, so I found your first sentence to be really confusing. You might want to clear up who exactly Rudolpho is.
[Dialogue] I think that for a more action-intense scene, you might have had a little too much dialogue going on. It sort of watered down the scene and made it more difficult to keep up with.
[Characters] I did think you did a good job with characterizing Rudolpho. He seems like a sort of foppish prince all around, but definitely interesting.
[Ending] I like that you continue to keep readers hanging with the way you end your chapters. It keeps interest and momentum pushing forward rather than letting it stagnate.
p.s. my pen name is "this" wild abyss, ;)
| Dear Imagination chapter 4 . 6/20/2012
HOLY SHIT. Can I just kill off Rudolpho now? I mean, what type of name is that, anyway. Fucking Rudolpho. Sounds like Rudolph's fucking cholo goat-brother from Mexico, where he hangs out with all his fucking hommes and uses his amazing Mexican accent to lead the other goats through a barrage of bullets during a drive-by.
Little blond shit doesn't do the name justice.
Anyway, I liked the beginning you got goin' on here, even though you started out with dialog and everyone's all like 'nooo, you can't start out with dialog, it's unprofessional'. Well, fuck them, this was cool.
The differences in Kay's and fucking-Rudolpho's (that's his new name now. Fucking-Rudolpho. It just kind of flows, you know) dialog is fucking great. Fucking-Rudolpho is like the stereotypical prince in every way except the fact that he has the muscle mass of a runner. I'm guessing that's supposed to be an insult.
Not a whole lot of snarky!Kay goin' around in this chap. Maybe I'm just missing it? Ah, oh well, it was still amusing.
BTW, the ending was still shit. But I'm sure you already know that. I just felt like reminding you of your failures.
(Just went back to read through this. Fuck, my paragraphs are shit. Ignore that, would ya? Great. Thanks.)
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 4 . 6/20/2012
Writing: This could just be me, but I'm not really a fan of the over-the-top descriptions that sometimes seem like the only reason they're super wordy is because they're trying to be humorous. If that makes any sense. xD Let me see if I can find an example:
[ At least the prince restrained the yelps of pain that were probably trying to emanate from his admittedly beautifully shaped mouth. ]
I just didn't think the 'probably' and 'admittedly' were needed. Same with the use of 'admittedly' later down in parenthesis. I thought the way some things are worded (and some of them are rather dense), took away from the humor. By the time I understand the picture they're trying to paint or the message they're getting across, I don't feel the desire to laugh any longer. I think it's mainly pronouns... you might want to cut down on your pronouns.
Characters: Okay, I think Rudolpho is pretty hilarious. I really like how he adopts that whole prince cliche, but takes it to an all-new level. The way he talks, I can just hear his dialogue in my head in this very formal voice like he believes he's the most awesome person on the planet because he's a prince on a quest. I really am digging his character.
Dialogue: And speaking of dialogue, I thought you did a great job in this chapter, as well as the previous ones. Like I said, you do a great job characterizing Rudolpho through his, especially during that speech of him thinking this is all an elaborate plot. You also get across Kay's personally really well. To me he sounds like the only voice of reason in this crazy place, and I think at times he also believes that.
Ending: I liked this ending. It wasn't necessarily a really cliffy cliff-hanger, but it still gives the reader something to look forward to and an incentive to keep going. I think you handled it very gracefully - not every chapter has to end with a BANG! in order to be good. This would be a nice example. A pretty smooth transition.
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 6/20/2012
Even though I've only reviewed Ch. 1...I still dislike this opening. I don't know what's going on, but it appears so abrupt, without transition. Though starting with dialogue isn't usually my favorite kind of start, anyway, it appeared so random that I had to read it over (the 1st and 2nd paragraphs) to get what was going on.
I'm seeing the wrong "blonde" spelling in this for men. If you use the "e" French spelling, you should only use it for women, and men is "blond". If you're using the American spelling, it should be "blond" for both men and women.
There were a lot of characters in this chapter that were coming out of nowhere from my perspective - but I've only reviewed Ch. 1, so that's probably to be expected. Still, I felt it was a lot to keep track of. As usual though, I enjoyed the tongue-and-cheek of this, and the humor. You do a good job balancing the humor, not over doing it, but putting it in the right moments. Also, the name choices are humorous to me in themselves... Rudolpho, for one.
Kay set his jaw. This was such a shit quest. [Enjoyed this line]
I like the narrative voice in this story because it's unique and it keeps me guessing. I never know what's going to happen next for the characters, which I also like because it keeps me on my toes.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
[And worst of all, it was very obvious that the faerie currently lying in wait knew that he was in his bed. She knew that he was awake.]
I noticed while reading that you tend to use pronouns when they aren't needed. For example, the three 'that's in the sentence above aren't needed and make the sentence sound more wordy/jarring. The best way to usually decide if pronouns are needed or not is to, when editing, say the sentence out loud without them and see how it sounds. It's not a huge deal, but it can make the reading smoother and sometimes less confusing without the unneeded ones.
I like how Kay is allergic to the faerie because I thought it was funny and added to the overall comedic value. I think it also adds to how Kay obviously doesn't like her, and two people traveling together who don't get along always proves to end up being hilarious or awkward.
| Animel chapter 1 . 6/19/2012
Right away this is already earning itself a place among my favorites. I absolutely love the tongue-in-cheek take on an old cliche. Everything with a "tm" after it gave me a good laugh.
It's well-written, well-paced, and humorous.
Okay, now I need to try to find something wrong with it so that I can be legitimately helpful instead of just heaping you with praise.
There is no need for a comma between "bit dense" and "at times." To avoid ending a sentence with a preposition, you could say "patience was not something that Kay possessed in large amounts."
You overuse the word little (okay I am aware that this one is a bit of a stretch, but I did notice it).
Skeptical, not sceptical.
I'm sorry I don't have more valid crit, I just...I just love this.
| Road to Rhodes chapter 1 . 6/19/2012
I found this odd take on the traditional fairy-tale quite interesting. Especially the gay part.
I think artfully is the wrong adjective to describe his covering of face with a blanket though. It made me think of him painting little flowers on it as he drew it (whoops) to his face.
Overall, I think your conversational style goes well with this almost flippant fable.
**The little 'tm' strewn throughout the work could get a little tiring
| The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 6/19/2012
I really like the description of the open road. Particularly the symbolism it puts forth, but I also like the word choices you've used to complement that, ie. trotting. Instead of making it sound regal and stiff, you've incorporated the lax feeling of freedom into the words as well as the actual image and it takes someone fully aware of their imagery to manage that, so well done.
I also like the fairy's sensical chattering. It nicely complements the stiffer nature of the rescue and Kay's own character and disgruntlement. However, Kay doesn't show a lot of upbringing from royalty. If it was so unexpected to have an outburst, perhaps you should elaborate on that...because really, anyone's going to be stunned into silence, particularly a female as far as stereotypes go. And it seems pretty unbelievable his manners were allowed to run free. Counters that first point on freedom.
Bare and icy? I got the feeling dust and earth would be better motifs. But that's about it.
| OneOriginalThing chapter 4 . 6/19/2012
I really like how Kay's developing, i think he's an awesome combination of a protagonist and a comic relief. which is really hard to accomplish. I see it mostly being done through the dialogue, but at times i see it done through his thought patterns as well. Such as how he gives that charming nickname to the prince, prince useless. I did in fact laugh at that point. and then going further and calling princess psychotic. Was pretty ingenues. I also like how shows his concern, it really reassures me that he's actually human. and not an emotionless bastard. over all this pushed along the plot in a very steady pace. and it was just great chapter like always.
| this wild abyss chapter 3 . 6/19/2012
Kay’s relationship with the snow witch is interesting, to be sure. You’ve done a pretty good job highlighting how they became friends, what sort of relationship they have, how they get along. All in all, it’s well done.
One thing missing for me in this chapter was the lack of humor/sarcasm on Kay’s part. I was expecting you to keep it up through the entire narrative, but there was nothing humorous about this chapter. Compared to the previous two, I even think your writing style is different. It’s more verbose and less snarky.
I wasn’t expecting this turn of events, certainly, and I think you managed to make things fairly surprising for me as a reader. I would have liked a bit more buildup, though, especially when the princess knocks out Kay.
And on the topic of pacing, I think I stand by what I said before: you are moving the plot along very fast—almost too fast, and I think I’d like a lot more fleshing out of your characters, their motivations, the setting, backstory, etc. It all feels very rushed for me.
“it was pretty possible that Agatha would” [Style: “pretty” lessens the impact of the sentence, sounds better without it]
“Kay really had to applaud Aggie’s ingenuity” & “he mentally applauded himself” [Style: you used the same word very close together while talking about too different subjects, suggest changing that]
“Kay unsheathed his sword, the shink of steel against sheath echoed” [Style: run-on sentence, comma should be a period or semicolon]
“In the upcoming years, prince Kayver would be sure” [Typo: “prince” should be capitalized]
| this wild abyss chapter 2 . 6/19/2012
I think your opening paragraph was good by way of giving background and easing into the scene. You gave some detail as to Kay’s history and personality, so the reader could get a better feel for him, and I thought that was a good idea. However, this opening is very slow, and it would almost be better to jump into the action first, then give background detail later. What you have is perfectly fine, though, it just depends on if you want a slow transition into the scene or not.
Your style of writing continues to highlight the dark humor of this piece. You do a good job keeping the comedy up in this throughout. It’s never “ha-ha” funny, but it is amusing, and I like that you keep that balance of readers’ emotions in mind.
Kay’s personality is fun, and I think that as a writer, you have a good grip on his characterization. He’s snarky and sarcastic, and though that’s the only side of him we’ve seen thus far, I think he shows promise. I can definitely see him becoming a likeable character in the near future, especially as the plot thickens.
Pacing-wise, I might feel that this is a little rushed. You summarized several days’ worth of travel in a relatively short chapter. However, I’m going to hold off judgement, because I get the feeling that you’re going to be doing something different with the plot and storyline than one would expect. Just keep in mind that for now, this is feeling a bit rushed.
“Kay gritted his teeth.” [Style: this should be in a new paragraph because Anabel was talking before and she talks after, so his teeth gritting could be considered part of the dialogue.]
| professional griefer chapter 2 . 6/18/2012
You are GREAT at humor, you cracked me up multiple places.
Your tone is just hilarious, if you played it straight it wouldn't work, but Kay's sarcasm and the things he thinks about are just perfect. I loved the 'whack-a-fairy' thing, it was just so well placed, and I loved how you put the TM sign after certain words.
Dialogue was great, you characterize really well with it.
As for things you could improve, not much happens in your chapters. You seem so focused on Kay's thoughts that you don't really take all the time for action that you could.
There aren't many funny stories I've seen on here, but you have done brilliantly:) congrats.
| MertleYuts chapter 3 . 6/18/2012
YAY! I am so pleased to actually see this in text form, though I can't quite say which I like better. You have such a lovely flavor of sarcasm that everything is quite amusing. And now in the third chapter we have a bit of action and suspense! Not to mention the hand untying bit. That was new X)