Reviews for Like Phantoms Forever
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
Very curious and engaging first line. I love new similes, and that one's quite vivid.

["Can you believe we did this?" she asked, whispered, really.] Why is the "really" tagged on at the end there? It feels superficial and off-putting.

Flash indeed. It felt very abrupt. I still felt little hitches of emotion though at each reveal - when I thought she might just leave him, when I realized she meant to kill herself, when I realized he was serious and they were *both* going to die. In an odd way, I like it better than the Romeo and Juliet romance, if only because it's more potent and they literally kill *each other* here, which gives it a sharper pang to me.

- Moonstar
UltraAgnostic chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
As always, a top-notch little read. Loved the parallels to the MCR song - especially as it was from their good stuff :)
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
I liked your use of description here because it was vivid and fresh. I liked the plot line because it was simple but understandable.
YasuRan chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
I like the element of mystery that plays into the characters' shared past, how they are who they are and how nothing seems to be able to alter that. Combined with the 'darkness' of the setting, it made for an atmospheric piece. Your characterization has also improved from the pieces I'd read previously, with greater attention to depth and development through hints (the mention of psychopaths, especially).

"Trunk's full of ammo. Baby, we could keep it running forever. We could keep running forever." - This is nice lyrical line. It combines both physical and figurative meanings of 'running' in a simple bullet of a sentence, making it catchy, memorable.

Well done!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/18/2012
Awesome setting in this, I think you did a great job describing everything close-at-hand. I would've liked more detail on the actual damage they caused, but then ambiguous can work too, leaves it to the realm of imagination that can always build things up scary and worse. I liked the whole Bonnie and Clyde set up because I think it's a good classic to pull from, and I felt it was really influenced by that MCR song, and it's cool you're able to build a story around stuff like that, I was never good at it! I found the characters a little hard to relate to, especially with the melodrama. I felt killing themselves was a bit of a cop out, but then I'm an old fart and there was definitely an impulsive youthfulness about this story. Ending worked well because it had a poetic feel to me with the use of short lines.
cellophanediamond chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
I love this!

First of all, the ending is frakking awesome. Like, seriously. I thought it was awesome before, but what you added made it Way better. It's seriously chilling.

And I really love the opening line! There's really cool description in this, and I could totally picture their surroundings.

Also, it really fits with the song:)

So... yeah. You seriously rock.

xoxo

CD

P.S. I love you!

P.P.S. all we are is bullets I mean this
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
I think you're definitely getting better at developing your setting. I really like how you left it a little mysterious, too, as well as the descriptions you used because it made a very vivid picture in my head and I was easily able to fill in any gaps the narration might have left (in terms of picturing it in my head) with my own imagination. I thought it made everything more engaging, and that line about leaving demolition behind them was very simple yet powerful.

I would have like a little more information about the characters themselves, though. I understand this is flash fiction, but it's difficult for me to feel anything for their suicide when I don't really know why they would want to kill themselves to begin with. I see the word 'psychopath' and that they're running and killing and destroying... but why? There's really no incentive behind anything, or at least no explanation, so it's difficult for me to care if they commit suicide anyway. Are they criminals? Omnipotent beings? Vampires? Perhaps if you show more about their past instead of telling why they're running it'll make the reason behind their actions more effective.

[She lie with her head on his chest, and they breathed together,]

Style: I thought 'she lie' sounded a little strange... maybe "She was lying"?

[essentially dumping her off his chest to look perplexedly at her.]

Style: I thought the word 'perplexedly' sounded clumsy. Perhaps instead of saying he was perplexed you could show it by having him lift an eyebrow at her, or maybe tilt his head.
Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
You're getting such a good eye for imagery! Your first line was wonderfully original and immediately pulled me in. I'd have loved to have seen more of this as you getting so good at it.

I think I'd have liked to have known a bit more about the characters, and I think maybe you could have let their personalities shine through a bit more. You make it very clear that they love each other very much, but that's about all we find out about them. Try and really get into their heads- the more real they are, the better. :)

Katie.
Kharmaoftherainbow chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
Hm so this is definitely my speed when it comes to both reading and writing X) It flowed very logically beginning to end, which was quite nice.

The only thing I'd maybe suggest altering is that the dialogue seems to be carrying a LOT of weight for a story that's so perfectly in tandem with the surroundings and has a sort of introspective tint to it. What makes this time so different from the others that they decide to kill themselves?

Also, minor grammatical mention: you've got a few comma splices (ex: "They're demolition lovers, it's what they do" should have a semicolon or a period in between 'lovers' and 'it's') that you might want to check out.
Sam Morgan chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
This was way too long to be enjoyable.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
I'm not too happy about the use of "so" in your summary. Contrary to adding to the image, it subtracts and makes it a tad more superficial than is really effective, particularly for a summary. Not really something that would have prompted me to click and read. of course, the profile links aren't working for me, so currently a moot point.

I like the imagery in the first line. Not something I ever thought about, but makes sense in a morbid sort of way.

[she asked, whispered, really.] - too many commas. I say scrap the second one.

["I'm trying to let you know just how much you mean to me] - I think it would be a tad more effective if you said [I'm just trying..."

I like how you kept the circumstances vague and left it to the last conversation, but I think there should have been a little monumental pause in the middle before the bit where she says she's going to kill herself. A little dramatic moment of sorts. A little emotion, reflection. It sounded a little like "we're going to die. Cool. That's okay." - might be fine for the guy. Idk. But the girl's already said the destruction doesn't sit well for her so she must have some sort of consciousness for it.
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
Hi from the RG,

I really enjoyed the first line. The imagery was fantastic, and it served as a great hook to your story. It's so beautiful, yet so violent- which fit the rest of your piece perfectly.

[She lie with her head on his chest] lie should be past tense

What I did not like as much was how quickly your female character goes from checking for ammo to going through with a suicide pact. I think the piece was just too short for a believable transition. That being said, I think this is a very interesting piece. The ending was hauntingly beautiful.

Merle
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
Hey. That was fast.

I think it could've used more characterization, but it's good for the length you have it. I mean, it's hard to get really anything done in 700-ish words, heh.

I like that you managed to pull something cohesive out of that crazy song. I mean, LOL. I wouldn't have thought of that, but then... yeah. I suck at het.

-REB