|Reviews for 1997|
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
I thought it was pretty cool how you took an event from your life and wrote a story about it. As with your poetry, I think you do a great job getting emotion and setting across with so few words. This is little under 2k, and still you created a very riveting scene that kept me on the edge of my seat. I'm always so jealous when I see someone who's good at both poetry and prose, haha. xD
But anyways, just like the poem I just reviews, I thought you did a great job telling this from a first-person view by a character who's not in the middle of everything. And still, you did a wonderful job getting the situation across and expanding on everything. In fact, I think it made the fight between Jimmy and Uncle Ben all the more suspenseful because we weren't there watching it with the narrator. Instead we took more of a backseat and could only rely on our sense of sound to understand what was going on. Which you did a great job doing, by the way. I always love seeing writers using other senses other than sight to explain a situation - it makes the immersion that much better.
I wouldn't almost preferred not knowing if Uncle Ben made it after this night, though I know this is a personal thing. Or maybe if instead of the narrator saying he was okay, if one of the paramedics or police officers told her "Your uncles is going to be just fine, miss." instead. Of course, this might clash with what already happened, but that's just my opinion. Either way, I thought you ended this on an interesting note, like how the police officer asks if she feels bad for Jimmy. I thought that was a funny question, especially because I don't see it mattering either way. The fact that he shot someone is enough to put him back in jail.
But it does provoke the same question to the reader as well. Should we sympathize with Jimmy, or feel like the narrator feels and hope he burns in hell? Well, from what I've learned of Jimmy in this short-story, I have to say I'm of a same mind as the narrator. I think he deserves to burn in hell, too, especially after beating Sarah up like he did. This kind of reminds me of a situation with my aunt a long time ago, how she also had an abusive husband who ended up in jail and was threatening her and shit. We never found out what happened to him, though, after she got the restraining order on him, haha.
Good job! Thanks for the read. :)
I had just a couple small corrections/suggestions:
[He started ranting and raving, picking up rocks from the driveway and hauling them at the house.]
I could be wrong, but I think the verb 'hurling' would be a little more appropriate than 'hauling.'
[That was one of the problems with living out the country—you didn't get good medical services.]
Edit: missing an 'in' after 'out.'
| DarkMagicianGirl77 chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
I like the story/bio! :) I like how you added what Faith felt and their thoughts about the whole situation. I do feel though it could use more background info and scenery/imagery. I was confused on where it was placed. I know it was at a house and there was a car and you added some very nice details about how the car drove up, but where the house was at was confusing. Maybe just mention a house by the house or some key features of the neighborhood would help a lot with that. But other than that, it was a very nice story with a lot of emotion and detail. If, though, the Imagery was greater and you made a few references (Like metaphors or similes), I feel the story would hit more at home and would have a greater effect on the readers emotions.
Oh and thank you for the review of my story also :)
| TonyL chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
A vividly written scene of a story that happens way to often.
Your story progresses nicely and held my attention throughout. It was curious though as to why the Policeman asked the question; if the narrator felt sorry for Jimmy. My conclusion was that Officer Casey was in a very similar position as Jimmy.
| starry-nights206 chapter 1 . 6/19/2012
I loved the narration as well as how you didn't fully reveal the identity of the narrator until the end of the story. The pacing was good too - I like how you progressively provide information about the family's history though a good balance of dialogue and narration.
Thanks for posting! :)
| Punslinger chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
A very well written, gripping drama. The characters and plot are smoothly controlled right up to the grim but satisfying conclusion. Makes us wish that such things didn't have to happen, while knowing they are all too common in real life.