|Reviews for Power Struggle|
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 1 . 7/25/2012
The punctuation is erratic; the paragraphing needs amending.
This is incorrect: "I don't think this is a good idea" The boy whispered
"Come on" Angela laughed "It'll be easy" The boy looked at the wagon below. **The standard dialogue tag punctuation goes like this: "I don't think this is a good idea(COMMA)," said Peter(PERIOD). -With a COMMA immediately before the closing quotation marks and a PERIOD at the end of the sentence.
The general rule for paragraphing is ONE character's words, thoughts and actions per paragraph. More correctly the example goes like this: "I don't think this is a good idea," the boy whispered.
"Come on," Angela laughed. "It'll be easy."
The boy looked at the wagon below.
This is incorrect: Once he finished his small meal he laid in the bed roll. Loric had made. -Make sure you finish the thought of the sentence before using a full stop, in this case an extra period. More correctly, this example goes like this: Once he finished his small meal he laid in the bed roll Loric had made.
The whole text needs attentive proofreading. Good luck.
| Nalledia chapter 2 . 6/27/2012
A great chapter from you! Some nice character development, and the addition of others to add dimension. All I can say, is put a double space and maybe centre a series of asterisks when you move time or perspective between paragraphs, and try to keep your story tense the same. In the phrase 'James gained allot of knowledge', you're looking for 'a lot'. Otherwise good!:) Well written, a definitive improvement!
| Nalledia chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
An interesting start to an interesting story. I like how you've immediately put us in your world, and positioned your characters in it. Well done for that!
However, you do have several tense mix ups; try to keep it in past tense, with speech on present tense. Spelling is relatively ok, just a few similar words have taken the places of the words you're really looking for. Remember, just because something in in quotation marks - when your characters talk - doesn't mean you can ditch punctuation completely, if anything, a talking character needs more punctuation than the story itself.
Concerning character names and personalities, they seem rather similar, except for you traveller, Loric. I take it you didn't have a name for your boy thief, because his name was only mentioned at the end and the name 'James' randomly popped up without explanation to who that was. If you're not sure about names, and you find one later, go back to the beginning and introduce it, don't just drop it in the middle somewhere and expect the reader to immediately know who it is.
Other than that, it's good. I await the next chapter.