I know this is the old version, so you may have changed a few things since, but I’m still going to chuck my thoughts out there. You have an interesting concept here, though I think the whole ‘I caused their deaths’ could have a little more build up. It feels a little…egotistical here that she thinks that. I feel like there’s a lot crammed into this chapter too, a lot for the reader to try to take on board and remember. Spreading out the backstory across the overall story might help it have more impact. Admittedly, it’s a little hard to get a real grasp on the character as I felt, here, that a lot of her was just ‘I cause people to die’ with little more outside of that. Has she pushed friends away? Is she quiet and introverted around others because she’s scared she might cause their deaths? Just some things to think about though, like I said above, it’s issues that may have been addressed already. Good luck.

Such a great Chapter!

Just bought this book a couple of days ago on AMAZON :)

this is your review game review. I am going to do the first chapter only for now since it was so long, but trust that I will be reading and probably reviewing the other chapters as well. You are now favorited.

Your opening definitely hooked me. The quote at top was a nice touch, a way of covertly reeling you in to try and see how it connects to the story. It worked. The very first four sentences was just enough to concrete it for me... yes I would be interested in this work.

The scene that stood out most for me was the flashback with Nate. Though the bit about the rednecks is, very sadly, foreseeable that in no way took away from the emotional impact of that scene. I feel overwhelming sympathy for Ash in losing such a good influence in her life.

Spelling and Grammar appear to be spot-on. You have a very fluid since of story telling and there are no errors to distract from it. You also manage to keep it casual and informal which makes for a very easy read.

Plot- I love it. I am so incredibly intrigued. I want to see where this is going. Is it all truly in her head or is she actually causing all of this death. Very unique, especially since it doesn't seem to have any supernatural aspect of it. You have hooked me in.

[Opening] I'm not a fan of the sort of reminiscent tone you adopt in the first "scene". It makes the narrative distant from the present conflict.

[Writing] I think your writing is mostly good, though maybe I would like a bit more detail in some spots. Sometimes it feels like there's too much attention on the action and not enough exposition.

[Dialogue] I like your dialogue because it's simple and shows your characters' personalities. It's easy to follow along with. However, it's still punctuated incorrectly, and you should really go back and edit it, as it's very annoying.

[Ending] I liked the atmosphere of the end. There was a suitably ominous tone and I like the hint of worse things to come.

Well, another brilliant chapter.
However, brilliance aside, I have a few issues. For one, I think that Ash's narrative voice was noticeably different in the telling of the chapter. There are a few sentences that sound...off? I don't know, they just sound a bit like they're being said from a distance. This mainly happens in her flashbacks of her time with Selena.
I'm also a little frustrated with Luke and Ash's relationship. Ash persistently considers it less, even, than a friendship, barely more than an acquaintance. I think that by now, it would be perfectly sensible for her to consider it at least a friendship. Just my opinion, though.
I have a question, too, by the way. When Selena's death is described, it is revealed that 'Kyle' is the FOURTH guy Selena contacted, they went out for FOUR weeks, she was found dead FOUR days later, and there were FORTY-FOUR stab wounds. Coincidence? I think not. Is this 'Kyle' guy simply a lunatic with a fondness for the number four? Or do you, personally, really like that number? If it is of any relevance, I noticed this is also happening in Chapter FOUR.
Anyways, I really liked this chapter, overall. I burned through this one and chapter five in half an hour :)
-AThousandPromises

Aww, I thought it was cute the way Ash described her desire for Luke in the first part!

[I know that it also got them back together] I was initially confused who "them" referred to. You might want to clarify this part by having Ash state Grandma/Grandpa.

[of my own prince charming and a love slowly creeping up on you when you least expected it] I didn't really like the switch from first person to second person- not sure if it's grammatically incorrect, but it read weirdly. Other than that, I like the ending and how you worded it.

I found some run-on sentences, like this:
[And for the first time, none of that bothers me, it's only Luke I want to think about and dream of, and I don't feel guilty about that anymore.]

Overall, I think your writing improved a lot. The Luke and Ash scenes are nice as always (God, is there anything this man can't do?!) and I liked how Ash just wanted him to make the move and kiss her. I thought Ash seemed a bit too happy about her grandma dying just because she'd be with granddad—but hey, my beliefs probably differ from hers.

[Pace] - I think there are some places where the comma is speeding up the pace. Eg. [The power it holds over you, the way it can make you feel, the way it completely messes with your brain.] - I think it would be more effective if you punctuate each phrase with a fullstop. Separates the ideas out a little, gives them more of an impact. Especially in situations like the first few paragraphs when you're focusing almost solely on reflection as opposed to action. The comma's a bit more of a minute pause, so it speeds things up and the separate fragments become less influential as stand-alone reactions, even if they do link.

[Opening] - Nice and powerful first sentence. You've already seen my opinion on the second. I also like the contradiction you bring about in the third; you're getting the quote in nice and early. :) And it reminds me of Icarus (which is coincidently where my penname came from).

[Ending] - I like the happy scene here, the fairy-tale peace. Almost childish innocence in a sense. It links well to the beginning as well. I just find myself missing the slightly longer reflections. Purely opinionated though - I know others can be less endeared to things like that.

[Character relationships] - I think the introduction of the Grandma was a great touch. It shows a happier, freer and more "innocent" side to Asha. I say innocent in quotation marks because it's more the returning to nostalgic childhood than true innocence, but it's beautifully contrasted with Sam and Luke and the others who show up throughout the chapters. It almost gives a warm gingerbread feel (blame your last line for that analogy).

I really, really like the concept of this story. The idea that Ash thinks she kills the people she comes in contact with is a great hook. I enjoyed Ash's voice and could sympathize with her. She's got a ton of issues to work through, which makes a great character.

My advice on chapter one is maybe start at Sam's death. I mean, dump us into it and have her think here we go again, kinda thing. The reason I suggest that is because there is so much information told to us in the beginning, it's kind of hard to process it all. Action will get the reader involved more. Tell/Show us some of the info from the beginning without dumping it. Maybe try to do it through dialog.

Overall I think it's pretty good. Get us into the story quicker, and tweak a few grammar things and I think it'll be a much more engaging story.

The twin love stories-one so nostalgic and innocent, the other current and intense, were beautiful. It makes me wonder...was it love at first sight for Luke too and he, like her grandfather, just let it come to him, rather than forcing it? And you built the tension so well, to the point that I was saying, "Kiss her, dammit". Undoubtedly my favorite chapter

FIRST: In regards to you A/N, YES, this chap is soooo very long. Constructively it is too hard to read this kind of length on a computer screen, and you would help the flow of your story by breaking this up into separate or mini chapters. Obviously as you state you have your own reasons, but still….

OPENING: You opening is both strong and interesting. You grabbed me very quickly into the mood of the story – what I mean by that is I could tell fairly quickly what kind of story I was reading and how things would go down genre wise. Having said that though I didn’t care for the “voice over” at the very beginning. I just didn’t think it added anything, it’s something you would see/hear in a film, not in a written story. I loved “I was only one minute old when it first started happening..” like I said it grabs you in the best possible way.

CHARACTERS: I think from what I’ve read I would call this a character driven story so far: ASHA – I don’t care for the name, it seems awkward to me (my impression is the story will go into a supernatural genre) and I think Asha is too A-Typical, and even too much of a giveaway. It seems strange that all of the other characters would have normal current names but her, I think you wanted to set her apart but I think it went a bit too far with this. SAM seemed to be the only character that felt really flushed out to me, because he seemed flawed, and a reader wants to identify with a flawed character. I didn’t care for Luke –a lot because he became somewhat of a rival for Sam, but I thought it was too empty as a character. Maybe I just haven’t gotten to the meat of the story, but it seems weird that he would be holding her hair back while she pukes, he seemed like he was still a stranger to her at that point, and his motivation seemed off to me as well. Maybe I’m just looking for a bad guy at this point…

PLOT: Like I said before this is a character driven story so far, so there’s not much plot, but what I did seen revolves around flashbacks and Asha’s complicated if not dangerous attraction/relationship with the men in her life. She reminds me of an unassuming praying mantice with all of these dead men popping up around her. Also as I said before it would help the plot a lot if you broke these sections into individual chapters of their own. I feel like you revealed a lot of information to us in just the first chapter and there’s a very fine line between giving too much and giving too little. Think about what the reader needs to know at that moment and as the story moves along you can add what further info they need to know then.

TECHNIQUES: The most visual and unique technique that you used was the emailing back and forth at the end. I both like, and dislike this here. On the one hand I like that sets the story apart from other standard structures, and makes it very current. On the other end, again it was difficult to read, especially all of the RE’s and to and from, continuing over and over. I think the reader wouldn’t get confused if you lessened that up while still keeping the email-esq formula the same.

Juliet.

[but I do know I keep loosing people] Should be “losing”

[Seth was smiling like a complete loon in our direction] Wait, was Seth purposefully imitating Ash and Sam from across the table. If so (just wanted to make sure I got this right), that’s hilarious!

[the only thing I can think is; he looks delicious, edible.] Semi colon should be colon or comma because the first clause isn’t a complete sentence on its own

I think my favorite scene in this chapter was the flashback of Sam meeting Ash’s parents. Even though we’ve seen all the characters’ deaths save for Sam’s by now, it was a really heartwarming scene to revisit them in.

I also like how Luke and Ash visit her family’s grave. It was really depressing when Ash says that she should be lying there instead of the three of them but I can understand where she’s coming from.

And holy shit I want someone like Luke to make me delicious food all day, haha.

"I don't understand how the nightmares can hold me so tightly but this dream can so easily let me go." That's a beautiful sentence

"I can no longer smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly showered Luke" Great tension in this one

"I would rather risk being hurt than feel nothing. It sounds crazy, but I have to. I have to do something. I have to feel something because feeling nothing is just too empty." And this is a relief. I know she's been through Hell, but I'm glad she's not being self-defeating

I like the family interaction in this chapter. It's sweet and therefore, considering all the tragedy, adds a bittersweet element to the story.

I also thought the grave-yard scene was very touching and well written, I really felt sorry for Ash while reading it. It also really highlighted that Luke is a kind person.

I am starting to feel quite curious though about why everyone around Ash dies. If it's a coincidence, it's a pretty big coincidence. I think it would be interesting if Ash starts to have a few ideas as to why it is happening.

Specifics:

The use of the word 'babe' seems over-used in Sams' speech, it's a bit jarring.

[They got loads more than we ever did in Providence] So true! I know very little about Providence, but I was up in Maine in April once and there was still snow!

[He laughs, a little red creeping onto his cheeks.] Ooh, did Luke let all his bros know of his attraction to Ash?

Oof, I think this death was the saddest so far. The fact that Ash's granddad was just trying to have fun with his grandkids and then dies as a result. This one really pulled my heartstrings.

Kate sounds like a bitch. I'll be honest, if she dies, I wouldn't be sad.

I'm surprised that Ash hasn't been able to see that Luke is attracted to her until Mia points it out. Either way, I'm glad it's sorta out in the open now.

[it's not him I'm scared of anymore, it's me.] Nothing wrong with this, but I think it would be more powerful if you have "It's me" in its own separate sentence and paragraph.

[lying back on the couch and feeling like a giant cupcake myself] Haha, lol, I love this!

["Ok?" He asks.] Even speaker tags after question marks or exclamation points should be lower case, like this: {"Ok?" he asks"}

Well, once again, Ash is being very sad and Luke, as always, is very good to her. I love that he makes over 200 cupcakes just for her—it's such an aww moment. And I'm like that while Ash is still wary of dating him, she does grow closer to him.

One thing though: [I wonder how he even found out it was my birthday today. How he'd known I would be home alone. How he'd known to come over, how he even knew where I lived… How he always seems to know.] I'm sorry if I missed it, but was there an explanation for this? If I were Ash, I wouldn't raise these questions and then be grateful. Even though I get that Luke is doing a nice thing, if I were Ash, I'd feel a little creeped out that he'd finding out all this info about her. Just something to think about.