I like the snippets of back-story you include here, as in other chapters. This adds a lot of context to Ash and her tragedy. I think the structure of interspersing these with the present happenings works very well- the mid-chapter cliff hangers are very ominous and add a lot of drama. You've clearly worked out a very clever and intricate plot- not something you see very often in fiction press, so I like it.

There are some very nice details here which add to the sense of humanity as well as individual's personality. For example when Ash as a child is excited to go out in the snow.

Wow where to begin. This is what I would call a gritty romance story. The emotions were real, the characters felt real, so that made it a bit easier to connect to the story and finish reading this long chapter. When I first started reading this, I was a bit surprised this was rated M. My only guess you rated it that way was due to the strong language the characters used throughout the chapter. Anyways I felt bad for the character because she feels responsible for everyone's death. However I still wasn't sure why she felt responsible for her best friend Nate's death especially when you mentioned if she hadn't worn a particular outfit. The situations are mere coincidence and her outfit or other little things wouldn't have changed what happened. But I suppose that is premise of the story that she has coaxed herself into blaming herself for everyone that dies around her. Overall this was a strong piece, so good job.

*via Roadhouse*

The end to theis chapter is very sweet. In the first chapter I thought Ash was a little paranoid but learning that her first boyfriend died after their first night, she doesn't seem quite so irrational and egotistical, as if everything revolves around her. She has the most interesting encounters with Luke-first the cut then the fish and then picking up the pieces of the phone. You must have a sticky o on your keyboard. A lot of times when you wrote 'to' it came out 'too'

Wow.. First of all - congratulations for the amazing chapter!
What I really love about this story as a whole is that you take time to develop the plot, so we can connect strongly with the characters. And from the first chapter I'm wondering, what happened to Sam? How did he die? And also, why does she think she's responsible? Is she?
I have lots of questions and I want answers so that keeps me and other readers coming back. Great job there.
Coming to this chapter,
I didn't know there was grandparents involved in the list of people that died because of asha, so this was very interesting for me. I read faster as the chapter moved along. I felt so bad for poor asha :( her life is filled with tragedies and she feels she's responsible and makes me really sad :( though what I'm really happy about is that she finally realizes Luke's feelings for her. And I'm glad you took your time with this, because it's not something to be rushed.
Great Job and I'm looking forward to more (:

Spelling/Grammar:

[Having one version that I show to the world and one version the real one which I keep just for me.]

Edit: You need commas after 'version' and 'one' so it's put away as an aside from the rest of the sentence. Without the commas everything bleeds together and it doesn't read right.

[ but where would I move too?]

Edit: Too needs to be 'to.'

[I'm not going to lie though it scares the shit out of me.]

Edit: I think this would be smoother if you maybe worded it like this:

"I'm not going to lie - it scares the shit out of me."

Taking out the 'though' and adding an EM dash.

[Option one though is in some ways, infinitely harder.]

Style: Suggest taking out the 'though' and the comma so it reads:

"Option one is in some ways infinitely harder."

["I'll talk to them babe, I promise ok, it'll be ok."]

Edit: Needs to be OK or okay.

[I was lying in bed watching him get ready for school, he had an early class today but I didn't start work till lunch time.]

Edit: Comma should be a period or semi-colon.

Beginning: I'm going to be honest, and this is just personal taste, but I wasn't too big on the beginning. It didn't really set anything up for me, other than affirming what I already know: that Ash is very depressed and isn't happy with her life/past/the world. I'm not a huge fan of melodrama, so it was hard for me to get into that beginning segment. I'm one of those type of people who are more like, "Deal with it," or "get over it already," though I know it's easier said than done.

Writing: I like that you write this in present tense. I don't encounter that very often, so I love it when I see it. I think it gives everything a very real-time feel to it, and I also like how you utilize past-tense when writing scenes that have happened in the past. In regards to some of the style, I noticed that you alternate between Ashley thinking/speaking in contractions and not thinking/speaking in contractions. You may want to stick with one or the other for consistency's sack. I think if you use contractions it'll make her character more believable, since not using them will make her sound very stiff and too formal for her age/personality (in my opinion).

Dialogue: I think the dialogue comes off a lot more naturally than the prose itself. Like I said before, I think if you have Ash use contractions more in her narration like she does when she's speaking to other people, it'll help with the stiffness I feel while reading the general story. But yeah, you do a great job getting her emotions and thoughts across through her speech. I feel a lot more attached to her when reading her speak than I do reading her narration. And I think you handled well the conversation near the end - it was nice to see at least one point in her life that wasn't so terrible.

Ah Finally! I get to know what happened to the Adam guy. Sam next, I hope! (too grim?) I really like how you're mixing the taboo with romance, kudos. Now to my review!

Beginning: It flows nicely from the first chapter, which can be tricky. It caught my attention a lot better than the first chapter because we're back inside Asha's head and looking out at the world.

Interactions: The irate conversation between Luke and the unknown person was written well. It made me want to guess, but I might just PM that bit and cross my fingers. Now, I've been wanting to see Asha come out of her shell like Sam told her, and I'm glad that she's finally starting to poke her head out. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to keep her in character, but also give into character development. I hope to see more of her courageous side!

Grammar: You mentioned in the forum that you know of the punctuation, so I'm just giving a friendly reminder in case you forgot to go and fix it :)

Ending: Ha! I am a sucker for cut away scenes! At first I was like "Oh what! Smexyness?" and then "Oh. Hehehe. Nice." So, I like how you managed that without being too risque, good job.

To end, I like where the Luke thing is going, and can't wait to read further. Keep it up!

I enjoyed parts of this first chapter. The scene in the coffee house with the cut was good.
You mentioned that the chapter needed to be as long as it it. I disagree and think it would have been better to split it at the point where the narrative switched from the kitchen to the memory of meeting Sam. If he's so important, he deserves his own chapter.
I think the line about being only one minute old when it began happening is a better opening than the the certainty of death. Once something becomes a political adage, it no longer belongs in a thoughtful, emotional story.
I like the ending. Sam's letter was very sweet. I was at first miffed that it wasn't read when she found it, but the ending was a much better place for it.
My favorite line was "And just like that, we shared something." It was a nice revelation after the banter about the coffee. Do more moments like that

Beginning: The hook was there, but it didn't snag me very well. made it through the first couple chapters then left to do something else. But I came back, curious as to why she made people die. It seems akin to Final Destination, but different enough to warrant its own movie :) There were a few grammar errors such as ending sentences with prepositions, but nothing really serious.

Scene: I liked the first date between Sam and Asha. He just seemed like "I'm takin' you out to lunch and there's nothing you can do about it! ... but it's not kidnapping!" It wasn't a forced easy silence like I've seen so often before. The two characters actually seemed to interact.
Then the part where Luke was emailing her was just the right level of creepy. He didn't SAY anything out of the ordinary, he didn't have to; his actions said it for him. If anything, I like how his words were so polite and almost "I SWEAR I'M NOT A STALKER!" could be seen between the lines. So, really good job there :)

Writing: Your style flowed nicely, even for this long chapter you managed to pull it off. Once I got into it, I just kept reading, wanting to know what happens. Hopefully you delve into her past a bit more later on and don't just glance over it. (But I'll read ahead to find out more! You definitely rely on description over dialogue, which I prefer :)

Relationships: The relationships were believable between most of the characters. I live in the south, so the redneck part was really accurate. However, I wish you had put in how Liam acted as an asshole, rather than just saying it. Leave it to the readers whether they shared the opinion or if they think he's just misunderstood... Just a thought.

Characters: expanding on my previous statement, there wasn't a lot to the side characters when you mentioned them. It almost made the world seem one-sided, as if Asha was the only important person there. It just helps me really get into the story when people are people, y'know? I'm not saying go and flesh every extra with a detailed background or anything, just that a quick gesture, a glare, or remark made at the main character would prove valuable insight to these passing people and move things along in a realistic tone.

Well, I'm off to see how everyone died!

I feel like you could have worded that first paragraph a little better. Used a metaphor perhaps? It's a little more direct than your usual first-segment themes, and I feel a little disappointed in comparison to your other openings. The ideas as they are jump around a little too much in my opinion.

The other thing is you seem to use commas where, in some cases, fullstops would be better. A good example is your last sentence. [But strangely enough, it's not him I'm scared of anymore, it's me.]. I think the last comma would be better as a fullstop. More punch. There are other areas where it (the comma) doesn't seem necessary at all.

Narration wise, I'm still loving it. A good mix of the past and the present, of action and reflection. Apart from your first few paragraphs that are a little too direct, but everything else is nicely flowing. Nicely balanced.

I’m somewhat in two minds about your ending. On the one hand, it’s a rather powerful conclusion to a narrative. On the other, the comma did diminish that, but even ignoring that, I wonder as to the purpose of such an absolute statement. It’s…well, somewhat anticlimactic. Part of me is thinking we’ve reached the end of an arc, or an open-ending – which isn’t a bad thing, except how effective is it for someone to wait for a new chapter? As far as I’m concerned, that wrapped things up.

Just the ending mind you. The rest of the chapter still left its usual lot of qns.

The club was a nice touch too. Good balancing atmosphere to the denser past. The heaviness verses the lightness of the present. Nice comparisons.

I have to admit that I did wince when I saw the length of this chapter

but

you mentioned death.

And I like it when people include death in the first chapter. So I'll continue reading :')

I like the concept of people dying because of her. It's a sucky position to be in and it looks like she can't do anything about it. But it's sad that Sam had to die as well. The fact that he was the only one she confided in with this secret of hers is sad, and to know that he died after that is even sadder. Because it's like she has no one she can turn to now...

I like the idea of her being the reason why people are dying, and yet it's like she's dying too. She's losing weight, being an alcoholic, etc, etc.

If I was Ash, I would be far too scared to even interact with anyone because of this death thingy. But it's also sad because she can't exactly spend the rest of her life being isolated just because of something that she has no control over. I'd like her to be close friends with Luke because I can see them maybe falling in love. I liked their emails together here, it was a nice way to show their growing friendship!

Overall, this was a good first chapter so far. I shall read more when I have time :D

I loved it!
Chapter 6 almost made me cry. I could actually picture the whole story, and the words flowed beautifully together. All in all it was a wonderful story filled with so much emotion! keep up the good work :D

This was beautifully written. I absolutely fell in love with this story. I feel like I can strongly connect with asha and her struggles with life, and that takes talent on behalf on the writer. So great job. You really do capture her internal struggle and that's what makes this story so powerful. It makes me feel frustrated when she's confused, happy when she is happy, angry when she is angry, so you've definitely accomplished something, keep doing what you're doing. (:
The imagery is very strong and I can clearly imagine what is happening. Also the story line piqued my interest and I'm very eager to find out what happens next (:
Though at times I realized that in a few areas where dialogue is concerned you haven't used enough punctuation which makes it a bit difficult to comprehend.
Other than that it was amazing, keep it up! (:

I am really, really feeling sorry for Ash. I'm finding myself hoping that something nice will happen to her/she will find at least temporary amusement in something good- you are doing a great job of showing the tragedy that surrounds her. I'm also getting a really good sense of Sam's character here.

I feel there is still a lot to be revealed about Luke: I'm interested to see how he reacts when outside his comfort zone.

Specifics:

Because today is my birthday. [I thought there was a lot of pathos in this paragraph. I really felt sorry for Ash.]

As I stand at the sink, I look at the tiny heart drawn on the mirror. [This paragraph was also very poignant.]

All in all, I thought this was a great chapter that progressed the plot and the characterization.

Poor Ash, she has gone through so much...of course she would want to protect Luke.

A common theme/emotion which runs through each chapter is the misery Asha wallows in due to her circumstances. I phrase it like that because that's all she seems to have done by this point, almost luxuriating in the angst rather than simply suffering through it. Your portrayal of her past, sad as it is, can get a bit heavy-handed, as you dedicate a lot of your writing to describing it. It makes Asha appear rather pathetic, like an object of pity, rather a person with issues whom we as readers want to get to know. You could try 'lightening up' on the angst and narrow it down to a subtler sorrow or sadness. There's a world of difference between the two emotions.

I also notice that you 'tell' us a lot, instead of 'showing' us. I get that you're employing a more colloquial narrative to help Asha appear personable but keep in mind that as a writer, you're also an artist. Yes, you have get your protagonist's thoughts and feelings out clearly for the reader to understand, but there are so many ways you could express these by playing with your prose. As it stands, the narrative borders on rambling at certain places and I don't feel that there's anything original being presented. As mentioned earlier, you tend to rely too much on the strength of the angsty back-story, rather than your own writing skills to carry the plot forward.

The dialog is rather choppy. You skip out on commas, which gives the impression of rushed, hurried speech. However, this is less apparent in this chapter than in the previous ones, so you must have corrected yourself in time. Another thing: since the characters are Americans living in Boston (from what I deduce), they'd probably use ' sshole' rather than ' rsehole'.

Coming to characters: I can't say I like any of them, but neither do I dislike them. I feel more apathetic towards them, given the lack of solid characterization or development. Asha seems defined by her angst and that certainly doesn't make for an interesting character. You might want to think about the direction she's heading, how her present decisions will affect her potential romance with Luke. Think about her as a person, someone who has strengths and weaknesses, but don't let her grow into the definition of one sole character trait. Or in this case, a plot device.

I can't say that this is the most original story I've read. For all the reasons stated above, I found it to be an exercise in patience with the slow pacing and sketchy characterization. But I do think that this has potential to grow into something better, provided you become a better editor and really critique your work as you write. Reading good fiction is the best way to improve as a writer, since you could pick up on what techniques good writers use to make their stories compelling. Don't be discouraged by criticism and keep moving ahead.