Technique: I didn't really like the use of email here. I get that it's a form of communication, but it made the chapter longer than necessary I think. Also, I've been poked at before for using text messaging in a story, but I never understood why these certain things aren't as effective as straight dialogue or (internal) monologue.

It doesn't feel authentic. Just as there is always something lost in IM convos and text messaging in real life, these things are also lost in a story. I enjoying the process of engaging in dialogue and reading information out of the characters speech patterns. It's fun.

Characters: I'm going to be forward here. I don't like Asha. Some people are predisposed to some bad luck, I get that. Oftentimes, even their best intentions end in disaster. But with Asha, I wasn't even getting that. To me, she appeared self-centered and dreary. The more I read, the more I disliked her. I get that she's still reeling off the death of her lover, but she's not being very captivating about it.

There's nothing about her that makes me want to feel sorry for her, nor care about the situation she's in. I think it's because I've encountered so many stories about women/girls who think that Death hangs on their shoulders like a marauder's cape, but as it turned out they just needed to believe or something.

Not to say your plot is unoriginal, I just don't feel like Asha is a character I've never read before.

Pace: I think the only reason this chapter appeared long is because of the email part. Still, I like the progression of this first chapter. It's introduced a decent amount of back story while also including the intended conflict/love interest. This, I think, will make it easier to get on in later chapters because there won't be so much the reader has to know about Asha's past. It'll be easier to stick to what's happening in the present.

Ending: I liked that you ended the chapter with the note from Sam. It makes me curious as to how Sam died. It also leaves some foreshadowing in there and I wonder how it will apply to later chapters.

Nooo the brother dies too! Not surprising though I do have to admit I was just hoping he was out of the country or something and didn't. I did cry though at that part. Mostly because the mixture of listening to sad music and reading this isn't a good combo lol. But it was really well written. I'm glad that she's starting to move on with her life. I hope in the end she ends up happy. Please update soon, I love this story soooo much! :)

You include some really dramatic moments in this chapter, and it works very well, creating a strong sense of suspense and expectation. It's also nice to find out more about Ash's relationship with Sam.

Specifics:

Anger and fear can turn you into a different person. [I thought this section was very insightful and has a lot of impact- a good opening for the chapter.]

have fun" he answered [Missing comma]

The T was no longer running [I'm not sure what this means.]

From the Roadhouse
Returning Review 1 of 1
Mixy-Chan

By the end of the chapter I was kind of sad. I wanted to cry in a way.

But then i think.

I still don't know what happened to Sam...

I pity the people who are teased...I went through the same thing...and instead of death...my friends moved to another town or city...

Liam is an arse, and I'm really wanting an interaction between Luke and Asha.

I think I'm correct in saything this, but there should be some comma's after dialogue hower, me being un-grammatical in everyway, but if someone was talking "She told me this," he said. there should be a comma before the dialogue sign and then go into who said it... but like I said...I'm probably not the best to say it...

Lookinf forward to the next chapter.

I like how you build the character of Selena. You do this without using a lot of words, but somehow, I got a good sense of her. I think her musical opinions helped to do this. This also sets up the scene with Luke performing very well- there is a musical theme to the whole chapter.

Specifics:

It can make you smile.

[This paragraph of description/emotion is great. It's lyrical and flowing. ]

Apparently the cupcake is to sweeten the invitation. I take a bite, it is delicious, god the man can cook. [Now I really want cake!]

"It's really good to see you again" he whispered [You need a comma after 'again'.]

This was another good chapter. I am really feeling pathos for Ash.

Opening- your opening was very dark and ominous, though incredibly cliche. I mean really the idea of a girl going through so much death and sadness thinking very dark thoughts is so overused I mean, why can't shebe happy and peppy. It would be refreshing is all. But I do like the air of mystery it brings along to the story itself. Because it kind of just stays in the back of your mind, that its about to happen. I don't know what this 'it' is, but I'm looking forward to this big event that's about to shatter her life.

Ending- oooo very boy next door. It's sweet in that cliche kind of way love often is. I think it's kind of overused how the boy tells the grief stricken girl how it's not really her fault. And how in the end its for nothing because she can't get herself to believe him. So I guess I liked it too though because it really shows her personality how she's six feet under and can't get back out

Charectors- your ending really shows what kind of a guy Sam is, and the fact that he left that note though, is kind of like he knew or at least thought that he might die after he met her. Your heroine is very dark and sad. Mostly sad, and it's very understandable hut I can find it getting old very fast. But also part of me just wants her to get better. To feel better about who she is.

Relationships- I feel like death. Isn't a bad thing in this story, and that Sam is trying to show her that. As well as I feel like what she and Sam had is just way too good, did they never fight or something? I mean I think that they were just way too perfect and that is why I suppose death does justice. Because while nothing is perfect. All good things come to an end. An do get the vibe that your trying to prove this phrase wrong. That good things can last forever. Which is cliche but refreshing in the manner that you are going about it.

From Road House
Mixy Chan
Looking for reviews for Flying Higher than the Sky

You have failed to show me what happens to Sam, but I guess your explaining the whole relationship first... I was half thinking Adam died falling out of the window.

I feel like the gold fish thing was a funny scene.
Her character though is starting to get annoying though. Just because the chapters are s long I think she keeps going back to "I can't" and all that and it screams at me to say shut up, get over it, date him...

I still feel like everything is a diary entry or a blog...because of all of the splits in scenes I can't think of it a straight novel, though it is, but it doesn't have the same flow..sorry if that seemed harsh...it is a novel...I keep thinking it is her writing ...like shes writing a life story down somewhere ...

But it's really good and I have to give in to my own desires and stop reading and go to bed... excited to read again in the morning!
Mixy

From Roadhouse
Returning Reviews
Loking for Reviews in Flying Higher than the Sky

I feel like this could be entries in a diary.
Ash is pouring countless entries into a diary filled with drunken thoughts and despair. She should see someone about that.

I like the Email idea... I don't know how you and L.J. did it, but the forward and back Emails and formats would kill, me...too time consuming.

I would comment on grammar...but I royaly suck in that department so I will keep my mouth zipped.

I want to know what happened to Sam! you're driving me crazy!

This is a good chapter. I'm starting to really get to know the main characters. Luke seems like such a nice guy, I hope nothing bad happens to him! :O

A few suggestions:

Difficult to talk to people, [Perhaps make this a full sentence]

Luke and I have been circling, like sharks [I like this image!]

I like how you describe Luke. You do it in relation to Ash's feelings and perceptions of him, which works really well.

"I don't like the way he looks at you Ash[,]" he would say

"No Liam[,]" I finally say

Not now. [I like this structure]

My opinion so far: This is intriguing, although quite depressing. I think the depressing tone would be more effective if you keep it 'lighter' some of the time- that way it will seem more shocking. I'm interested to find out more about the main character and the mysterious deaths. Your writing style is clear and I haven't noticed many is a lot of pathos here, especially surrounding Sam.

Just a suggestion with dialogue. You need a comma if the word is not going to be preceded with a word starting in upper case.

e.g. “Hello,” he said

So again, I still feel that you do a lot of summarizing, which isn't the most engaging thing to read. I like to be *in* the action, rather than have the narrator relay it to me second-hand and after the fact. Now, I really loathe the "show don't tell" mentality and don't think it's a hard and fast rule, but I do think that applying it here, to your writing, would help quite a bit.

Technically speaking, I do find your dialogue to be very distracting, as you don't punctuate it correctly. I'm sure other reviewers have mentioned it, but if not, I definitely suggest a quick Google search on dialogue punctuation and then a sweep up of your chapters, as it's honestly very hard to read this as it now stands.

I think you have a good handle on your main character, and her personality seems to be fully realized. That said, while she's well-developed, I don't find myself enjoying her quite as much as I might, as she spends a lot of time angsting—self-pity does not make for a strong heroine.

I'm not sure what I can add to some of the other reviews, but I'll try. I saw your note on the first chapter. I wouldn't worry about the chapter length - it is what it is.

The overall story idea is intriguing and I'm curious to find out why Ash has this curse. The intro for chapter 2 is repetitive from chapter 1. Instead of summarizing try to give the reader something to look forward to.

I like the way the themes are developed in the chapter - alternating between Adam and Luke works well. The key events almost come across as too mundane. I can envision Ash desperately trying to grasp the slippery fish all the while worrying whether her not her curse affects animals too. I think it has the ability to be an enormously powerful scene, but it doesn't quite reach that pinnacle.

As an idea for the first kiss with Adam. It would make more sense to me for him to give her a clumsy awkward kiss. Her being stunned at that would probably horrify him. I would expect him to murmur, "sorry, I don't know why I did that." and back away. This gives Ash the ability to weigh Adam's feelings against her fears and return the kiss.

As far as the ending is concerned. I'm a little lost as to where Sam came from - up until then the chapter has been about Luke and Adam.

I know several people have suggested weeding out extra words. That is always a good idea. Try to avoid some colloquialisms in your writing, too. (ex. "he came and got me" is really "he came to get me".) "The witness, they stopped and made the call" is "The witness stopped to make the call."

HOpe this helps - keep writing

Opening: While I really love the theme of it, it feels like you're overly mincing words. For example. [they can mask what you are really feeling] can be rewritten as "they can mask what you really feel". In addition to that, I feel the repetition of "can" somewhat dilutes the effect of a statement that should be really powerful. Since this is first person narrative, there's no reason to attempt to eliminate bias. We expect that as part of the narration. And there's been nothing so far that shows she was attempting to be impartial.
Spelling/grammar: [I need to vent, I can't help it, the mask I wear to hide the rest...] that reads like seperate phrases/ sentences so I'd recommend the use of either fullstops, semi-colons or both. Or maybe dashes would work too - I'm not so good at those.
[I try to avoid confrontation, at all costs.] - I don't think you need the comma in there. It's a little jarring.
[One of the last times it happened though, something changed, although really, it should have been so obvious it was eventually going to happen.] - I think the comma between "something changed, although reality" invites a different pause than the other commas in that sentence.
["can we go, I've had enough?"] - it might be better to say "can we go? I've had enough."
["What the hell was wrong with you tonight?" He slurred again.] - lowercase "he"
["Just a drink?" He continues.] - ditto.
Writing: [Sam and I never really fought when we were together, but when we did it was always about the same thing.] - the two parts of that sentence are somewhat contradictory. I suppose that's a matter of word choice.
[Fighting with someone is like that, and it's even worse when you fight with someone you care about, someone you love. ] - I love the way you phrased that.
[And I'm sorry if you're on the receiving end of it.] - while it's interesting to see such engagement, why speak directly to the audience now of all times? I don't think it's something you've recorded from the get-go.
Apart from that, I really like how you utilise first person narrative and dive into Ash's feelings as well as the outside situation/context.
Ending: Almost ironic. Anger and patheticness...not really things I see going together, but that's what makes it interesting. Especially since the whole chapter had anger and drunkenness at the root of it.

I'm not sure that I'm a good reviewer, but I do my best. I hope it is helpful.

The ending has a great hook that makes you want to read more. There are a few times that extra words are thrown into the story. (especially during the exposition.)

1) You use "Since then" or "Since" a lot in the story. For instance, "Since then, especially since the last one, I've been alone. Since then, I have kept myself apart from all of the people around me." Take the second one out altogether - look at all of those combinations to make sure they're needed.

2) I'm a little confused about her keeping herself from everybody. She says it flat out & then she works with others at her story. Now that I'm rereading, I think there is a word missing that would have helped - "The last few weeks since Sam died have been tough. I stopped working for the first couple because I just couldn't drag myself out of bed in the morning." I think there is a word missing after couple - I took to mean "deaths", but now I think it might have been "days".

3) This section doesn't sound right to me: "Today when I take him his coffee, something startles him when I walk into the kitchen and his knife slips. It feels the same as any other morning, except today the knife slips." It sounds like you started edit the section, but forgot to finish the edit the entire way.

The ending is intriguing & makes me want to read more. Hope this helps - keep writing.

this story is amazing and intensely interesting, i like how you did the changes from past to present, you would make the past line up with something happening in the present but the each time you went to the past you wouldn't really skip around you would keep building up towards the present. very nice touch. I can't help feeling sorry for ash as i read on and am drawn in more and more wondering if she will be able to break the cycle and if kyle will be the one. i hope you will post some more of this story if you have some i would love to see what happens next between like and ash and if she finds a way to break her curse or if she finds out it's not a curse at all