I thought the opening hook for this chapter was a little too wordy, so it detracted from the overall shock or suspense and didn't really pull me in as much as it could. If you took out some extra, unneeded words, like 'only' and 'single' I think it'll leave more of an impact and make the message stronger. For example:

[There is only one certainty in life.

Death.

No matter what anyone says, this is the one single thing you can't avoid, can't put off, and can't stop. It is inevitable and unfortunately it can happen when you least expect it.]

I might reword it as:

There is one certainty in life- (this em-dash may help with the flow and shock of leading into the second paragraph from the first.)

Death.

No matter what people (I think 'people' sounds more personal than 'anyone', but that's a matter of preference) say, this is the one thing you cannot (since you didn't use a contraction in the opening paragraph you may want to avoid using them here as well to keep the tone consistent) avoid, cannot put off, and cannot stop. It is inevitable, (needs a comma here) and unfortunately it can happen when you least expect it.

There's a lot of unneeded words and pronouns throughout your narrative, mostly the word 'that'. The best way to decide if 'that' is truly needed in a sentence is to take it out and read/say the sentence out loud to see if it stands find without it. With today's reader, less is usually more. They want to breeze through things without having to stop for awkward sentences or extra words that can make the meaning of a sentence a bit more convoluted.

[He laughed, holding his hands up in surrender. "Ok, ok" he said "I'll tell you."]

You should write out 'ok' as 'Okay' so it looks more professional. Also, you need a comma after the second 'okay' leading into the speaker tag of 'he said' and a period after the speaker tag. I noticed quite a few problems with your speaker tags while I was reading, so you should go back and fix those. It'll make the dialogue flow a lot better.

I liked near the end how you kept going back and forth with the emails. It seemed very realistic and some of them had me laughing. I also thought it was sweet for Luke to offer to come over. I wonder if Asha will go with him to the part in a few weeks.

One more thing I thought I should mention was your chapters are rather long. Because you have a lot of scene breaks, you may want to think of separating it into smaller chapters, especially if you want more narrowed feedback. If you'll take a look at how I have Who's Eating Eric Lynch structured, that's pretty much what I did. I split chapter 1 into 3 parts, because reading it all in one sitting is rather daunting and it would be very difficult for me to get sufficient feedback on it.

Just a suggestion. :)

Sorry if this review comes out kinda sloppy. I'm still getting used to the new review box.

From RH

Before I even start reading, I'll just mention that I don't agree with the size of your chapters after the experiences I've had on FP. I think max they should sit about 3,000-4,000k for Fictionpress (where people are usually here to review), and this is just too much for one sitting for a thorough good critique without any skimming. If it was published, however, this is fine and I wouldn't have a problem with it. Because of the length, I'm only going to review the first few sections (up to 4,000 words). I'm sorry, but I don't skim - and I like to give good, in depth, helpful feedback, so it takes me a long time to review usually, and as it is right now, it's too much. Also, I think with this new reviewing box, I can leave multiple reviews for the same chapter without having to sign off as anon, so hopefully it will be fairly easy for me to pick this up and continue it when I have more time.

Also, I don't think I've reviewed you before, but I review as-I-read on a lot of stuff, so if it sounds random, apologies!

I'm twenty five now... [twenty-five]

I'm finding that sometimes your writing can get a little wordy with verb agreements and the overuse of words like "had" or "that". I'll try to point out some examples below.

After I told him, he did take it all very seriously... [Why not, "After I told him, he took it very seriously" for a more straight-forward read?]

To be fair, he did acknowledge that I seemed to have a higher than average death rate. [This could have the "that" and "did" omitted, as "acknowledge" can act as the verb. For instance: "To be fair, he acknowledged that I seemed to have a higher than average death rate." Although, I must also add, this sentence didn't make a lot of sense to me. It makes it sound like she's died a bunch of times - that her rate of death is higher than normal, meaning she's died more than once. I don't think that's what it means - unless she's dying while the people around her are dying too?]

"Maybe it's just dumb luck Ash?" he would say "you know..." [Needs a comma after "say"]

"...place at the wrong time?" trying to convince me. [I don't agree with the speaker tag here. Maybe instead, "He tried to convince me." in a separate paragraph would convey it better.]

As the years went on, a small... [as the years "continued" maybe]

...what he always said "but I'm still here babe." [comma after "said"]

It was selfish of me I know that now... [This either needs a comma after "selfish" or say "It was selfish of me [and] I know that now"...]

But now he is gone and I have no one. [I think in most stories, it's a good thing to stay consistent with the narrative voice being formal or informal, and I usually prefer informal, as I think most writers naturally speak/think that way. In this story so far, I'm seeing a lot of places where there are contractions some of the time, and other parts of the time, there aren't. So, like this sentence for instance with "But now he is gone", why not "but now he's gone"? If it's deliberately stylistic, that's fine I suppose, but it just sounds more natural in places with contractions than without. That goes for the rest of that paragraph and even the last line of this section too, it all sounds very oddly formal, whereas the rest of her narrative wasn't.]

Mostly I think it should be me who is the one dying. [I love this as a last line, it's a very bold statement. I think maybe it could be more straight-forward like "Mostly, I think it should be me dying." but I think it's good how it is here too. It's a good line to sum up the introductory narrative.]

By the way, all my stylistic little nitpicks can be ignored - it won't bother me. Writers are writers, and in my opinion, we shouldn't listen to any rules but the basic grammar ones (like formatting dialogue correctly etc.), so you can pick and choose anything that I might point out at your own discretion.

Since being born, I have been responsible for twelve deaths. [Good opening line, but the presentation is a bit off - it feels wordy again. And why "have been" instead of "I've been"? Is the narrator part of a higher class society that doesn't use contractions? I'm not so sure. Maybe, "Since birth, I've been responsible for twelve deaths." I do like this opening though, it carries over the same tone from the last sentence of the preceding section. Well placed.]

...although that's not how it's all played out. I know most people experience some form of death throughout their lives, but with me it is different, very different. [Why "it's" in the first sentence, but "it is different" in the second? I'll stop pointing these out to you, but I just feel like a consistent voice would really bring this writing to the next level.]

...for a twenty five year old... [twenty-five]

I hadn't even been in this world for long, one minute to be exact before she died. [Would omit "even" and needs a comma after "exact". Another strong, well placed line though.]

My Dad survived the first 21 years of my life, yet Adam only got six months. With Sam I got 5 years... [All numericals should be spelled out in writing, unless the author has a stylistic reason for not spelling them out. Since before this, you spell out words like "twenty-five" and "ten", I believe you should stay consistent and continue spelling them out, so here, "twenty-one" and "five" needs to be spelled for consistency's sake.]

In reality though it's nothing like that because I can't form any attachments... [Needs a comma after "though". I'm finding a lot of other places where there could be commas and there aren't. A way to improve on this might be to read your work aloud. I usually read my chapters aloud after doing a good read-through edit, just to help spot places that might sound awkward with pausing. This could really benefit this story, I think. I would add in commas whenever you feel that there might be a natural pause while reading it.]

I would spend my days looking at old photos of him... [And example of where the verb could just be shortened to "I spent my days", to get rid of the more indirect voice "I would spend"]

It was from Sam and I had found it by accident. [could omit "had"]

...and had discovered the letter sitting under what was probably the last bottle we had. [could omit "had" after "and". I like this detail, it shows a lot about Sam and I thought it was quite clever.]

Realistically speaking, I'm surprised that Ash could keep her job after that. She doesn't mention calling in for a grief period, but just not showing up and then showing up again wouldn't fly in any place I've worked, so I found myself unable to believe her completely, unless of course, she's now working a different job, in which case, maybe a little detail there would be good.

I still don't want to be here, but I owe it to Sam. [So she's now at work and she's narrating this to us from there? Confused about her sense of place. So far in this story we don't get anything but this backstory. I'd really like to see Ash experiencing the world, I don't really picture her narrating this from any sort of place, so this sentence caught me off guard]

It's funny, since I found the letter I have found other little things he did around the place. [needs a comma after "since I found the letter" and I don't particularly like the repetition of "found the letter I have found". Maybe instead, "It's funny, since I found the letter, I've noticed other little things..."]

You know what I just noticed though - what does Sam even look like? I don't really have an image of him in my head at all. I don't know what kind of scene these two are in either. I mean how do they dress? What are their interests as a couple? Did they stay up late watching anime, or watching Mad Men? Where's the personality - I'm not quite getting a clear picture and it makes it hard for me to gather a complete liking of Sam to feel Ash's loss. I do like the ending of this section though, where you describe the little things Sam did around the house. The eyeliner heart thing was a good detail. You have a good grip on beginnings and endings, and how to word them.]

Ah, so Ash is at the same place working - maybe go back and detail that she did get a grief grace period where she could actually be gone, instead of her really disappearing. I really don't see any job keeping anyone who disappears and doesn't tell them they're leaving.

The new guy seems nice enough although he looks at me in strange ways and often. [Needs comma after "ways"]

Again, in this section I noticed a lot of places where the voice was disjointed. Contractions in some sentences, not in others. Would really appreciate that cleaned up for a better and stronger flow.

But the permanent people are me, new guy, Sarah who does ordering, stocks shelves and serves like me and Liam who washes dishes, cleans tables and does whatever else needs to be doing. [The commas in this sentence are really all over the place... Maybe try this instead: "But the permanent people are me, new guy, Sarah, and Liam. Sarah does ordering, stocks shelves, and serves like me, and liam washes dishes, cleans tables, and does whatever else needs to get done." Then it becomes clearer. I'm also pro-oxford comma, so if you aren't, you can get rid of it of course.]

This section was a big example for me of what could be called "telling". You tell us what everyone does, and what their relation to Ash is, if they like her, if she likes them, etc. etc. But you don't show us any of this through a narrative. So far in this story, we have yet to get any dialogue except from Sam in memories. I would really like to be shown that Liam's a dickhead, by him saying something mean to Ash, for instance, instead of her just describing him as one.

When I arrive at work it is only me and the new guy who by now is no longer the new guy but Luke. [Here's a good example of a sentence where I think, if it's read aloud, could sound awkward without com

That is why I don't do online dating! ;) This was a great chapter, I can't wait to find out more about Ash and her other 'victims' this story is just intriguing in itself. It draws you to it. I think so anyway. Please update as soon as you can!

Opening: To be honest, I prefer the openings you have as opposed to starting with the action. I find it hard to picture it fitting into your narration. Instead of action, you give us a moment of reflection, a little tidbit more of Ash's personality. A little more about her world.

Writing: I really like it for the most part, but there are some instances, like -[She had already lost both her parents many years ago and when I was born she also lost her sister. For some reason she didn't blame me.] - where the sentence/idea simply drags. It's unusual, because your writing is normally deeper than that, but that's one particular instance where the narration seems overly superficial as opposed to the narrative voice.

Spelling/grammar: Excellent for the most part, particularly for something this long. There are some instances

[I am shocked, amazed and something very strange is happening to me, a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time.] - need to cut that down, eg. "I am shocked. Amazed. Something very strange..." or you could have a comma instead of the first fullstop.

[I'll bring you some right now?] - that doesn't sound like a question, so it's unusual to see a question mark there.

Five thousand words and I can't see a single spelling error.

Style: On another note, it did occur to me that using dividers to split messages is a little jarring, as you also use them for scene breaks. Could you perhaps italicise or bold or centre the messages or something like that? Something that will distinguish from the more monumental scene/time changes? It's a little throwing-off as you alter between the past and the present at the beginning, then between messages halfway through. Sort of takes out the connection b/w scenes.

[Four days until her neighbour noticed and called the super.] ? what's the super?

Ending: It's almost weird. All of your chapters can stand on their own, and yet they merge together to create a larger story. For a moment, I wondered if the ending would have had more of a punch if you'd left or reordered the last scene (moved it up), but the link back to the music was a really nice touch to finish it off.

[Scene] In the beginning of this chapter, most of your scenes are summaries of past events. And while that's fine, summaries like that tend to be less engaging than the event itself. Instead of telling us that Sam's death was hard for the narrator, why not show a particular instance when it was hard?

[Dialogue] While the content of your dialogue is fine, it's presentation is off. When you close a quite, you have to have some sort of punctuation at the end. Like: ["Thanks," he said.] as opposed to ["Thanks" he said], which is what you have. I'd definitely suggest a Google search, as that's a good place to learn how to correctly punctuate dialogue.

[Spelling/Grammar] While it's purely a stylistic choice, I did notice that you have a lot of run-on sentences. Since it's creative writing and your aren't bound to any rules, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wasn't sure if it was something you intended to do or not.

[Presentation] In the paper fiction world, I'm all for chapters with longer word counts. However, this is the online fiction world, and there's really only so long you can expect an online reader to stay engaged. In my opinion, 7500 words is too long, especially when it's split into short scenes already and would therefore be much easier to break up. It wouldn't really affect your story or the "real" life chapters, but for online purposes your piece would become much more readable.

Hi from the review game!

Opening: I like the opening because there is so much truth in it. Everything you say about Death is spot on, which is why the subject, I think, is so uncomfortable, but serves as a good, weighty introduction. At the same time, I can't help but feel like the way you use the topic to segway into your main character's life story is a little overdone.

Writing: For the most part, I like your narrative style. Since you're writing in first person, your narrator sounds very down to earth and the way she talks is natural. At times though, she has some wording issues that real life people would have the same problems with, that just sounds awkward in narration. For instance: "To be fair, he did acknowledge that I seemed to have a higher than average death rate." The wording here is awkward because one person can't have a death rate. I suggest you rephrase.

[My Dad survived the first 21 years of my life, yet Adam only got six months. With Sam I got 5 years] I think you should stick to one style, either writing out numbers under 100 or having them be Arabic numerals. I think the convention is that you should write them out.

Character: Overall, I like Ash's character. I think she has a very spunky personality that is fun to read about. Of course, given her issue with people dying around her, it's understandable why she sounds so depressed, but I like how she stays touch, even in reflection.

Enjoyment: I enjoyed this first chapter because of your personable narrator and interesting premise. However, I thought your chapter was way too long, especially just because of the reader unfriendly format of Fictionpress. I think chapters of 3000-5000 words is the ideal length, because anything longer than that just makes your reader tempted to skim.

Review game!

I have to say, I liked the premise of this. Ash is a bad luck charm, a death magnet! She has to be psychologically wrecked by the strain of it all! Even just from the summary, with the darkly funny line, "Death, it's been the story of my life." It left me with so many questions; how old was she when she realized something was wrong, how did she have the capacity to hope or keep going after everything she's experienced, how many is going to be too many for her and most importantly, what is she going to try and do about her situation?

The biggest issue I had with the first few paragraphs of this, is that it's all very one note, very dark. And believe me, I don't mind dark, but I do mind about 1,202 words or so about death at the very beginning. There's a lot of information to go through in these first few sections, but there's nothing exactly quirky about Ash's speaking voice that kept its claws in so I had to keep reading, and after a few paragraphs, I felt myself wanting to skip through and see where the action, where dialogue, or an actual conversation between some other characters occurred. For me, the story really starts with the section, "The last few weeks since Sam died have been tough". If the story started like that, with a title like that, I feel like that would have been a far more effective way to lodge some questions in the reader's head, while also garnering some sympathy for Ash as she mourns.

There's a lot of information in this I felt a little bit spoiled to have been given so soon, and that I felt could have been shown rather than Ash telling me about it. I would have been willing to wait to know about the death of her mother and father- actually, if the story began with Ash in her room, mourning Sam, and a few shakily written dates on the calendar, or momentous strewn about, I feel as though that information wouldn't have been so easily won. Maybe she talks on the phone with someone about having to go to someone's gravesite, and the person on the other line doesn't know how to respond because she's gone so frequently. I guess what I mean by all this is that I'd really, really like to see Ash moving around before or after Sam died; I want to see the way she acts and moves and speaks out loud, to others; as it is right now, she's addressing me and not only am I not sure why, but I'm uncertain as to when and what events have caused her to look back on her life through such a gritty, cracked lens. The first line, "I was only one minute old when it started first happening" acts like a frame for the rest of the chapter, but it never told me from where she was looking back from and I just assumed it had gotten lost in the story of her life.

The section that begins with, I met Sam at a funeral, like in a few other places, seemed a bit out of place. I didn't see the connection between it and the scene with Luke, and I kinda didn't appreciate being hurled back into one of Ash's lost lives when I'd only just barely managed to get into the present. I guess my feeling for this section was again, that there's loads of time to fill in backstory if you leave hints about it all over the place and splice it in where relevant.

The email exchange between Luke and Ash (nice to know her name was Asha, I liked it!) I felt didn't need to be formatted that way- I personally would have used italics for his and her replies, but that's just me. It was good to see her immediate, panicked response to his attention and given all she's gone through I don't blame her one bit. IT certainly felt like something that will develop as the story goes on and that was intriguing to me.

But again, I felt like I'd won something without winning; I think I would have much preferred not knowing what Sam's letter said just yet. If she'd just looked at it at the end of this section, I feel as though it would have served as the same kind of dark reminder, of someone she had loved then lost and why she shouldn't try again.

Overall, I really think this story has potential. My biggest criticism in this first chapter is that there a lot of places where things can be shown and not told, and hinted at instead of being explained in great detail. You don't want to give everything away right at the beginning! Leave some shadows, some questions unanswered! You'll have plenty of time to get to them! I would also seriously look at trying to parse down this first chapter or break it down into sections; it's a lot to read and I feel as though there are several sections that go on too long, several others that repeat ones that came before it, and other ones, as I've mentioned, that seem to break the mood or come at random and just confuse the timeline of things. I'd really like to see how this develops!

Your story intrigues me! Its a very interesting plot, I don't think I've read any like it so far. I'm really glad I found your story, ash seems a lot like me in the shy department and shes very relatable. I can't wait for another update! Sorry if my review seems.. odd.

Opening: I really like the reflective/analytical approach you've started each of your chapters with. Nicely done; it gives us a little about her personality, where her narrative's coming from...but doesn't overdue it to the point where the actual story has been overshadowed. What's Nate's wake though? I'm not sure I got you there.

Spelling/grammar: [I know he's going to just keep asking me to come, he's mentioned three more times now.] - that comma should either be a semi-colon or a fullstop. That last phrase reads somewhat more separate than the ones before.

[It's not that I don't like him or anything, that has nothing to do with it.] - this is less questionable (or more, depending on which way you look at it), but I still think a semi-colon would work better there.

[All it says is;] - since that's followed by the message, it seems like that's more a place for a colon than a semicolon.

["Hey, thanks Ash" he says] - shouldn't there be a comma after Ash?

["Ok" I answer too late.] - same as above.

There's a few others like that, but it somewhat contradicts your ["I'll try," is all I can promise.].

[She was having an allergic reaction, she was really allergic to peanuts.] - another semicolon?

Writing: I love how you've worked the tenseness into the narrative. The subtle re-mentioning of the dead fish and the cut hand in juxtaposition (I blame my English teacher from year twelve for putting that word into my head) to the newer elements like the cliched coffee machine stick-it note. Not that this cliche's a bad thing. It's a nice comparison.

Ending: it was so touching finishing up in the past instead of the present. Especially since it's just just another death but a meaningful one. Not like her mum dying because that was before she was old enough to understand. Not like Sam that's after she's experienced it so many times, she's gotten somewhat cold. It's sort of like a middle-point in that point.

I definitely love the intrigue you've built around your main character, Ash :)

I am curious to know exactly how she is responsible for causing every one she loves to die. I get the mother bit...loads of kids have grown up feeling responsible for their mother's deaths :/ Something you just can't change. "Unforeseen complications" after all.

I like how you've interwoven the past and the present together, and therefore you've managed not to thoroughly confuse your readers.

This story seems to be a very different take on romance, and I definitely look forward to reading it :)

From The Gossip Forum

The beginning was so heart-wrenching. Particularly the end of that first paragraph. I imagine the fact that this is under "romance" would somewhat attribute to that. I love the theme of this line too: [The first is living but staying away from everyone.] - it brings in the concept of living and being alive as two separate things.

And your imagery. Particularly the fish motif. That was a really nice touch.

I think you could still work on your pauses a little. For the most part, you could put commas or slightly reword things for more fullstops to make the narration a little more dramatic...unless (and this totally slipped my mind during the last chapter) you're portraying Ash as an apathetic character. I find that less likely as you constantly repeat the motif of death. There's definitely an element of trauma buried in it in my opinion. It has improved towards the later aspects of the chapter though.

[Which is the better option – all alone or all over?] - that's a very good question. Never thought about anything like that before.

["At first it was because I thought you were cute" he said] - there should be a comma between cute and the talking mark.

[I turn to look at him "you bought another fish?"] - you've done this on a few occasions, but I do think you should have some sort of punctuation before starting the dialogue. We learnt to use colons there, but some other places use commas.

Luke bringing in that second fish was absolutely precious.

["You sure" ] - question mark at the end?

[The witness, they stopped and made the call.] - sing./plural disagreement there. Either the witnesses, they... or the witness, he/she...

That ending is like the calm before the storm.

You've certainly got an interesting way of melding the past and the present. Wish I could manage that. Maybe some more juggling...

Hi from the RG.

I'll start from the top.

Yay. Local. No weird time difference things then. You freezing too?

Just a nitprick about your summary first. [Death, its been...] - I think it would be more suitable with a fullstop or one of either a semi-colon or a colon (I'm not sure which one is supposed to go there - personally I think it's a semi-colon). A comma doesn't really do it justice.

I love the quote you started off with.

Opening - Very interesting, particularly due to its relationship with the quote. However, you change from formal to informal within the first three lines, which can be a bit of a throw-off when attempting to build an image around the narrator. Also, you've used [its] in the summary and [it's] in the actual paragraph. Again, consistency really helps in building up that image. It's not just the contractions. The phrase [unfortunately it can happen when you least expect it] also carried the informality with it, while some other bits give a more formal feel.

Writing - There are some parts I like very much, but other parts that seem to deter from the image I'm building up. Personally, I prefer the parts that speak more formally than the parts that don't. Some, such as [People dying, all around me, people just keep on dying.] simply sound odd in the mist of the narration. Again, it's a matter of consistency in voice. I also like the way you've segmented each segment of the narration. It really gives it a nice touch.

Spelling/grammar - I think I'm seeing a lack of commas here. They're not exactly wrong (at least I don't think they are), but it really helps the readability as opposed to having long lines of text that can be broken where the subject slightly alters. Eg. [she never would have died would she?] - comma between died and would.

[So in fact, my life is far from normal, it's actually complete shit.] - a semi-colon would go better than that second comma.

[sliding down in to a pool of blackness that I wasn't sure I would ever be able to crawl out of wasn't sure I even wanted too.] - this is another one that just stretches too long and can be easily broken.

Ending - quite a powerful one, particularly since it's just under the letter and punctured by all the titbits from the entire chapter. It serves to somewhat summarise the guilt and tragedy Ash has lived through, particularly surrounding Sam's death, but also the theme of death as a whole as being something inescapable.

Is Ash crazy or is this some kind of legit supernatural ability/curse? I'm kind of glad Sam didn't take her seriously. And how did he die? I'm sure that's a really important plot point so I hope it's real weird. Luke kind of seems like a stalker... but in a good way. I guess the other employees didn't say too much bad/creepy stuff about Ash. I think it's worth putting the rest of this story up, especially if it's already finished.