Interesting. Your style isn't like a lot of the stuff on here. It's more laid-back and less agressive. I think the sentence structure could use some variation, since so many sentences are simple with no punctuation. I'd recommend combining a couple with semicolons. That should be enough.

Strong imagery here. Good job. I love that you don't use many "be"-verbs, and that it's written in (mostly) active voice. Very nice work.

The pacing's a bit off, I think. There isn't much variation from the beginning and the rest of it. The beginning should be slower-paced than the rest since it's contemplative in tone, and the rest is dramatic and has some action. You could shorten some of the paragraphs and crop a few sentences in the middle/end for that effect.

All in all, well done.
-Livia

For the EF rule 10 situation.

I liked your descriptions because I thought they were poetic and they painted the opening scene nicely and clearly, so that I could easily see everything happening, the word choice was also good. I liked the way you included the italicized section because it made me curious as to what that section might be - a vision, a dream, a flash forward or backwards? The curiosity makes me want to read more.

I love the description in this. It really builds up a beautiful image, and enough detail to basically colour the whole thing with acrylic paints. I'd say it takes talent to do that, so well done.

I find the use of contractions such as [couldn't] somewhat out of place, with how you've written everything else so formally. I feel it would go better as could not. And on that note, there are some places where the action is somewhat stilted by the description. Very rarely, as this is more the reflection sort of piece than the action piece, but this sentence in particular: [Kavi coughed violently as he started attempting to force the smoke out of his lungs] - the started causes somewhat of a stilting effect.

A side note, perhaps change the format of your title so it stands out from your text. Since your paragraph was nice and long, it doesn't get mixed up here, but it can in smaller paragraphs, dialogues or more commonly poems where all the lines are short and the title can easily be mistaken for one of them.