|Reviews for The Monzy Chronicles|
| Spark Writer chapter 7 . 5/16/2013
I really like this chapter! It's packed with more great imagery and despite your aforementioned struggles with the plot, I think this flows quite nicely. Don't lose sight of your story and keep writing! It's great.
| DCU chapter 7 . 5/15/2013
And I assure you, this story makes scene if you ACTUALLY READ IT!
| It's Not Always Hard x3 chapter 1 . 12/22/2012
Wow this story is a reflection of the urge for excitement in everyday life. I apreciate a good story like this and nice descriptions.
| onemore-brokendreamer chapter 1 . 11/7/2012
Alright. Quite often with dialogue, you just have it as part of a paragraph, which can be okay, but some of your dialogue should be a little bit more separated from the rest. You should also be careful with run on sentences, as you seem to be quite good at writing long sentences, but sometimes you take it a little too far.
| onemore-brokendreamer chapter 5 . 10/30/2012
This seems like it could be very interesting, but there are some fundamental grammar and punctuation mistakes that make it hard to read. Sometimes your dialogue is also very hard to understand, and some sentences are very repetitive.
Other than that, I think this story has some really great potential! You are definitely very creative! Could you check out my new story, it's a sci-fi fantasy type of story rather like this one. I'd like to know if its worth continuing :)
| WolfMoon0302 chapter 3 . 9/30/2012
This was amazing! Spatacular story line and details. Well done! :)
| DCU chapter 5 . 9/5/2012
Again it is a bit hard to read because of typos and punctuation but overall a GREAT story. Just 1 question...when is chapter 6 coming? :D
| DCU chapter 2 . 9/5/2012
Some punctuation is needed throughout this chapter and a few other chapters. But this chapter, so far, is MY fave...you know why :D
| paleo girl chapter 4 . 8/9/2012
not to bad ill email u all my current drama maube u can help me turn that into a stry
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/29/2012
Yeah, um, your first paragraph needs work. Remember, the first paragraph or sentence is the most important because that's what makes the reader want to read more. I'm not saying that it isn't interesting enough; just look at it again and see what can be done. Also, your information is scattered, and some of it isn't necessary at this time. "Layla Morris tossed and turned wearily in her queen sized bed". The queen sized bed part isn't exactly needed, but nevermind. Also "Wearily" isn't a great choice of word. It means tiredly, unless I'm mistaken? It doesn't seem to fit. It's like someone who is already sleeping saying, "I'm tired, I think I'll go to bed."
She was having the dream she had night after night ever since she was 10.
She was currently 14 and "the dream had stayed the same". You've already covered that when you say "She was having the dream she had night after night ever since she was 10". Maybe say something like, "She'd been having the same dream for four years, ever since she was ten." Now anyone with a basic knowledge of maths can figure out that she is now fourteen, and the same dream has been haunting her for 4 years.
"The dream had to do with an incident she was involved in a while ago." I think you can take this out. Since it's a recurring dream, we can guess that the reason for it happened a while ago. Then you go on and say, you was lost in a cave for months, and people didn't believe her that she'd been to a place called Monzy Land and no one believed her. Firstly, this isn't entirely plausible. If a 9 year old kid goes missing for months, people won't just say, "Nah, it was a dream." because it wasn't. They knew she wasn't there, so they can't just brush it under. Lastly your punctuation. I already rambled on about your structure of your sentences, but let's speak about the other things. Firstly, "Wh... Where am I" Layla managed to stutter out, requires a question mark. "Wh... Where am I?" Like that. And also, when some new speaks, it is a new paragraph, and set out like this.
"Lay," said the creature in a voice Layla faintly recognized. "It's me Lay. Yin."
Layla gasped. She now recognized the voice; it was one of the people she had met in her previous visit!
Okay, here also, your choice of words are not that great. Before, you said that she'd made true friends in Monzy Lands (And in the next paragraph you say she has no friends, but I'm assuming you mean in the real world. Make that clear, as well.) Now, if you see one of your best friends after four years, I'm sure you won't say, "Oh, that person." You'd miss him/her, right?
"Yin, what happened?" Layla asked concernedly.
"It's a long story," Yin said. (End of sentence, but shouldn't be end of chapter. By saying "and what Layla didn't..." it is supposed to apply to the previous part of the sentence. Unless the reason for Layla not going home for a long time is because Yin's story is so long).
SORRY for my rambling! :) But you said you want criticism and that it's highly needed, which is true. Trust me, this story does have lots of potential, so keep up the good work :)