Reviews for Jealous
electrical moon chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
This is an interesting poem. I really liked the line 'there has always been a bit of predator in you'. I have a couple suggestions though. One is that you have some unnecessary words, such as 'but yet still the cold rage'-the three words at the beginning could be cut down to one or two. Also 'I can see your hatred of me/It is bottomless' could be made into 'I can see your bottomless hatred of me'. This suggestion is purely opinion, but I think the poem could be made more interesting if you broke up your lines a little differently, like perhaps 'touching me deeply, the inflamed passion/of a lover's caress'. That is purely my personal taste though, so do as you will. Overall, I think this is a good poem with potential to be great.
Deleted or NA chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
I didn't like it. The title was plain, the idea was unoriginal, the poem was near unreadable containing only a seamless series of empty words, and I couldn't grasp the concept of why you even wrote it. I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh. Really, it isn't. Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but seeing as you requested for it to be read and reviewed - I granted your wish. Don't take it personally, you can even PM me and I'll help you out if you wish to re-write it.

Nice try and good luck.