|Reviews for Hang 'Em High|
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/24/2012
I like your opening - had me grinning right from the get-go. Great way to emphasize the male narrator - starting with sex and/or an allusion to it.
But I really just like the voice of your narrator in general, too. He feels real because he talks to the audience as though he's *actually* talking to the audience - a very personable, easy-to-follow..."conversational" type voice I guess you could say. It doesn't feel like some FPNs where there's that akward distance between the narrator and the reader since it feels like the whole thing is plotted out and the narrator never actually speaks to the audience. If that makes sense.
Anyway, nice job. :)
| yWrite chapter 1 . 8/27/2012
I like the way the story is flowing. Makes me look forward to the rest of the relationship between Scarlett and Weaver.
The fight scene was well-written. I like the idea of watching a teenaged girl defend herself against a wrangler and kicking out his tooth.
Some parts are grammatically incorrect. For instance, "The people there glare at me like they're gonna eat my faceor throw something at me." You need a space between 'face' and 'or'. And 'glare' should be 'glared.
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
I didn't like the beginning. I really liked the first line, but you switched gears way too quickly, wiping out the impression the first line made. You might as well have begun at what you called the beginning.
I liked the idea of two Wranglers (they help the sheriff?) picking out girls they think they're hot rather than what they really should be there for. However, the dialogue was lackluster-just words. After that scene, everything unfolded rather predictably.
Overall, it could've used a lot more emotion. It's one of the requirements and perks of first person narration. Another requirement is the development of a voice. He barely thinks at all and apparently feels very little pain (getting used to pain doesn't make it any less painful). He's just rattling off what's happening with very little input and description.
| AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
Well, one thing that really annoyed me was you didn't put spaces between some words [faceor] - that just really got my attention. It made me feel like you were rushing and didn't go back and edit it.
I did the plot and the general direction the story is going in. It's strong and it has a lot of potential. Oh! loved the intro. The hook was good, and worded well.
Um, it seemed like Weaver was middle aged, but then there was his immaturity with the 'hot' women that come in and that a teen wanted to sleep with him...so there was some confusion there.
| Mc Mac chapter 1 . 8/8/2012
Love the first line. 'I knew I loved Alice the minute she pulled out her whip.' Made me really want to read more.
The only thing off for me was speaker tags.
I actually think this is a story you should continue. I can see it going a few different ways. Still want to know who Alice is.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 8/7/2012
I like the opening, it hooked me in instantly. (Maybe it was the whip, XD) But I love the idea of this being a western, with the cowboys and wenches.
How old is Weaver? Just wondering since Scarlett was able to knock his tooth out and stuff, and she's just a teen.
Hmmm, if i could suggest anything at all, it would be to make Weaver's narration sound more...western/cowboy. It just seems a little mordern, his narration. The dialogue is great.
Overall, I liked it, and I can't wait to read about his journey to Alice...and her whip. XD
| A. Gray chapter 1 . 8/6/2012
Lovely strong hook here. I think I'd love a girl too is she pulled out her whip. So given that and the title I'm thinking western, and while I'm not big on those this has me strapped to a chair!
[this isn't David Copperfield. Where the interesting part starts.] thinking that last bit is a fragment. maybe a - would fix that.
So I am a bit curious how a wrangler is stuck in an office at all. Is my idea of a wrangle off? maybe you could clarify a bit? (not sure if it's just me as I don't read westerns)
So I like the dialog to really set the western in good, but I was confused about the intercom. Forgive me, but is this a futureistic western like Firefly, or am I being silly and not knowing the tech of the day?
I feel a little lost with the opening being with alice, then back in time a bit (i think) to these girls they are questioning, but I have no idea about what. I felt like you could maybe give a bit more distinction of time line, and a bit more about the girls being questioned for... robbery maybe?
ok so a bit more of the scifi western with the not allowed to name andything but humans that's good.
[Itackled] space there. [faceor throw something at me] space
[Scarlett...you're under..."don't look at her "Arrest. ] this felt akward to me with the thought in the middle, but no commas.
Interesting end to keep me reading. over all well done!
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 7/7/2012
I like the fact that you chose to begin the story with a girl who wasn't the main love interest. It makes a good change and gives the reader something to compare Alice to when we meet her. I also have a feeling that Alice and Scarlet might become good foils for each other.
Your first line was really good because I immediately thought "What the...? One second, let me read this." You keep a fairly funny, anecdotal tone throughout this, which I liked. Your dialogue was fun, and I quite like these characters already. Well done, this has really moved on from your earlier stuff.
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
The first line was a great hook, though I did get that worrying feeling about what I was going to read next. Thankfully this didn't descend into Fifty Shades of Grey territory or anything like that.
You did an interesting job with Scarlett, as she seems to be very tough, very blunt, and fairly damaged in some ways- the fact that she offered herself up implies that she's used to being used and didn't think she was worth more.
I think it's interesting that you chose to start this off with someone who wasn't the actual love interest as that makes me wonder what Alice will be like, and if she's be similar or different to Scarlett, or perhaps even both. I did notice the occasional typo, e.g. "Itackled" instead of "I tackled", but that's easily fixed.
| Stylistic Nightmare chapter 1 . 6/25/2012
I liked the first line. It’s a real attention grabber. The fact that you don’t immediately go into detail about it adds to the effect. It definitely draws the readers in and makes them want to find out more about the girl, her whip, and just what’s going on. I’m also a fan of the minimalist approach you use in this piece. There’s a notable lack of detail, but I like that. It allows me to fill in the missing pieces in my head; makes me think.
One thing I didn’t like about this piece was the whole ‘identification’ scene. I understand this is only the first chapter of a longer story, and sometimes scenes need to happen early on so later stuff makes sense, but that scene just didn’t work for me. You start off by saying you’re going to get to the interesting part, go through that whole scene, and then say the interesting part only really started after it ended. The whole thing seemed sort of pointless to me.
I like your use of accent in the writing. You’re very consistent with it, which definitely helps keep everything readable. I’m not generally a fan of dialogue with accents, since it can get a bit tedious to read, but you do it quite well in this piece.
Spelling and Grammar/Style:
‘…and she was bringing the whip out-but I'm getting ahead of myself.’
Replace the hyphen with an m-dash.
'Not the actual beginning, of course, this isn't David Copperfield’
Replace the comma after ‘course’ with a semi-colon.
‘If they were real Rogues they wouldn't get caught.’
Add a comma after ‘Rogues’.
‘"Sorry, m'am," Owen said. "May be that you're right. It's the brown'n, m'am!" He pointed to the girl I spotted originally.’
Suggest replacing ‘spotted’ with ‘pointed out’. Since they were both looking at all the women at the same time, ‘spotted’ just doesn’t seem like the right word choice to me.
‘"At home in bed. Where were you?" she asked me.’
Suggest removing ‘she asked me’. It’s unnecessary.
‘I was sick of the dark and sick of everything being brown and desert-y and just boring.’
Add a comma after ‘dark’.
‘So I dismounted HWNN,…’
Suggest changing the acronym to HWAN. You don’t refer to the horse as ‘horse with no name’ earlier, so this might be confusing to some readers.
Space between ‘I’ and ‘tackled’.
‘The people there glare at me like they're gonna eat my faceor throw something…’
Space between ‘face’ and ‘or’.
‘Owen offered after a bit.’
Comma after ‘offered’.
‘I thought he didn't like it either...or maybe he was just trying to make me feel better.’
Space between ‘…’ and ‘or’.
‘A barmaid walked up behind me, putting her hands around my shoulder and leaning on them. I didn't want to stare down her terrifyingly revealing dress, so I kept looking at Owen.’
Should clear this up. If she’s behind him, how could he see down her dress?
‘the maid laughed.’
‘On the last step I must have put my foot down too hard,…’
Comma after ‘step’.
‘" I can't keep it in any longer," I said.’
Remove the space before the first ‘I’.
“"...isn't the whole point that I'm not dressed?" she asked.’
Should be a space after the ellipses, and ‘isn’t’ should be capitalized.
‘But there was something about her eyes, they were nice and big and convincing, and obviously her secret weapon.’
Replace the comma after ‘eyes’ with a semi-colon.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 6/25/2012
So this was the fic Liv was talking about huh.
Love the lit. reference...although it does seem a little out of place as far as the cowboy/cowgirl attitude goes. If they're always out on a ranch, wrangling and riding and all that, when would they sit down and read David Copperfield? Dickens has a habit of dragging on after all.
[Not the actual beginning, of course, this isn't David Copperfield.] - a semicolon instead of that second comma would work better. The comma somewhat wrings the sentence if that makes any sense.
[Being a Wrangler has benefits and downsides.] - I read that as upsides for some reason. Benefits seems a little off the narrative voice.
[And I was.] - comes off a bit flat perhaps. "Which" would be a little stronger.
[faceor] - space in between.
Scarlett's an interesting character, but Weaver's response to seeing her naked was somewhat unusual. No hormones acting up there? This is narrative voice after all. You might as well take some advantage of it.
Your accent seems consistent, and the plot a beat up from the cliched guy falls in love with girl scenario...particularly with the opening...although it comes off as a bit sexual too. Roleplay or something?...I just saw the rating. Never mind.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
[The main upside is when you are out catching someone, it's pure bliss. An adrenaline rush you can't get rid of.]
I would've liked a little more of "show" here instead of "tell." Like, what you have is fine, but I would've liked to have seen it expanded a little more. Maybe his heart beats faster, he starts breathing harder, stuff like that. I think it'll really get his emotions across and how he views this wrangling business, as well as give the reader a little more insight to his character right from the beginning.
The rest of the beginning I thought was really good, though. Especially the first line. That really caught my attention right away, so I thought it was a great hook. Definitely sounds like a good time, haha.
[Owen asked me, our code for 'which one is the hottest piece of ass?'.]
Edit: Don't need that period after the question mark.
Well, I gotta say, this was a very interesting situation, lol. I wasn't expecting her to be naked when he got up there. I thought his reaction was pretty funny, too, though I thought him wanting to help her and be willing to house her was a little abrupt. I don't really know how you could go about the scene differently to make it more believable, though, except making it longer and fleshing it out better. Hmm... it could just be me.
I'm interested to see where you'll take this. I don't read westerns very often. Good job on the accent, too, as far as I can tell it sounded very genuine.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/23/2012
Although I like that this is named after an MCR song I know, I just wonder if maybe you pull song titles from them a bit too much...but anyway...
I really loved your opening line because it immediately grabbed my attention and made me want to keep reading - I think that's a favorite opening line from your works. I also liked your dialogue because it was realistic and I liked the contribution you made with accents. I also liked that it was formatted correctly because it made it easier to read - you're writing is really improving. The scenes here were clear and I appreciated it! Looking forward to more and I like that it's a Western too - that genre gets downplayed a lot.
| OneOriginalThing chapter 1 . 6/23/2012
this feels like one of those cute romantic comedys where the guy describes love, and how it felt very different as he went trough several very different woman. I think it's really cool how you srart out with alice, and end on an 'alice' note. I suppose all these woman tie into his love life, and it turns to the one woman who changed him and then promptly left. I suggest you whip out your camera-camcorder-phone whatever and start fimling it right now! This would make one hot movie! I dislike that there are so many woman, i confused alice with jesse and then i though scarelet was jesss and it just confused me, it almost made me want to stop reading.
| cellophanediamond chapter 1 . 6/23/2012
This is awesome! You rock, girl!
well, you already know my favorite bits of this:) seriously though, I love it. and I can't wait to see what happens next!
P.S. oh baby don't stop, if I fall, and don't look back...