Reviews for BloodLines
loivissa17 chapter 4 . 11/15/2013
what happens next? :)
loivissa17 chapter 2 . 11/15/2013
could you please put more space between lines? the long paragraphs are kinda hard to read. :)
clydemuse chapter 3 . 7/25/2012
This piece is extremely well-written, excellent grammar and engaging in style.

The character development is good. I find the formality of the piece a bit difficult to read, but I am aware that most vampire fiction makes use of elegant phraseology due to the perception of the refinement of these beings who have survived for years. I'm not a vampire fan, but I can see where the fans will truly enjoy this story.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 7/24/2012
I like the idea of the voiceover - it gives a bit of a unique structure to your story, even though it is fairly common to have some sort of statement. It's because it's normally a quote from within the chapter or from an outside source that makes the voiceover so special.

I do feel however you're somewhat overusing commas in places, and that can get rather jarring. Eg. [So I guess you could say, today, was definetly not, everyday.] - I'd say you need no commas in there at all. [but now all she saw, was a stranger.] - don't think you need the comma there either. It's the unnecessary pauses that slow the reading down a little.

A few typos too. [Beacause ] - because.

[let's hust say ] - just

[amonst ] - amongst.

There are more but I've lost them. A proofread should fix them though.

Ohana
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 4 . 7/23/2012
I was a little turned off by the huge paragraphs in this chapter. While it may be fine to read a block of text on a page, I've come to the realization that it's much harder to do on a computer screen. I'd suggest cutting it into smaller, more manageable sizes once you're finished writing them, because large blocks of text (especially when they're loaded with information) tend to make a reader want to skim.

I also think it might help with the appearance more if you took greater care to separate the prose from the dialogue. In a few paragraphs the dialogue got swallowed by the rest of the text. Of course, this is a personal preference, one that I'm quite anal about. I'll give you an example to show you what I mean:

["I never met her; I'm not that old you know." Mortan tried to lighten the mood; it was true though, he was only eighteen despite the fact that when you come right down to it every vampire looks a great deal more infantile then they actually were - they acted it to, especially when it came to power and influence. "I've read stories." He said noticing it was a delicate situation. He hurridly walked over to the rotting oak cabinet and grasped the handle firmly in his hands taking care not to use too much force incase he broke the handle off. Reaching inside, he ran his fingers along the numerous book spines before stopping on the particular book her was searching for. Nyx had equipped the training room with everything Victoria would need in order to become fully erudite about vampire convention. He pulled the tome out and unsealed the clasp that held it barred. He seated himself on a nearby chair, opposite Victoria, and began to recite the content of the passage:]

This can be spaced out as such:

["I never met her; I'm not that old you know." Mortan tried to lighten the mood. (suggest cutting off the sentence here since it's rather lengthy)

It was true though, [this comma needs to be a semi-colon or else it's a run-on] he was only eighteen despite the fact that (when you come right down to it) [suggest removing these words in parenthesis since they are a word dump and don't add to the sentence] every vampire looks a great deal more infantile then they actually were - [suggest putting a period here and starting a new sentence] they acted it to, [too] especially when it came to power and influence.

"I've read stories." [this period needs to be a comma, and the following 'He' lowercase] He said [comma] noticing it was a delicate situation.

He hurridly walked over to the rotting oak cabinet and grasped the handle firmly in his hands [comma] taking care not to use too much force incase he broke the handle off. Reaching inside, he ran his fingers along the numerous book spines before stopping on the particular book her was searching for. Nyx had equipped the training room with everything Victoria would need in order to become fully erudite about vampire convention.

He pulled the tome out and unsealed the clasp that held it barred. He seated himself on a nearby chair, opposite Victoria, and began to recite the content of the passage:]

This is how I suggest formatting it. You can follow this example with previous paragraphs as well. The reason I suggest cutting the dialogue from the prose as much as possible is because I've read from multiple sources that readers will often completely skip speaker tags - which is one reason the "he said" and "she said" is often preferred over other options.

I hope you found this review helpful!
lookingwest chapter 2 . 7/21/2012
Opening- While this information was probably necessary, in the beginning, I found the large blocks of explanation about the box with the button boring. It was a lot of telling, which in some cases can be fine, but here I felt dragged down the pacing to make for a slow opening sequence. When all of the students started getting explained and introduced, I was also confused about whether or not as a reader, I should remember this kind of information or not. Are these major characters? They must be if they're getting a first *and* a last name, plus interesting facts. Therefore, I felt you introduced too many at one time for me to keep track of.

Spelling/Grammar/Setting/Characters-

"It's from the council." Elizabeth, seeing the confused look on Victoria's face decided to elaborate. [Needs to be a comma after "council", and this dialogue needs to be brought down into it's own paragraph, instead of attached to the end of that giant one. A new paragraph should always be made when a new person begins speaking (this is a general rule). While it's not grammatically incorrect to have it tacked on to the end there, I found it stylistically bothersome and so I'm suggesting you pop it into its own]

"What does it say?" He asked as Elizabeth... [un-capitalize "he"]

Like I mentioned in my first chapter review, I would really appreciate seeing these types of dialogue/speaker tag errors edited. It shows you care about the story and its presentation. Especially because it's causing me to focus way more on all of these grammatical errors than the actual content of your dialogue, which I feel is probably important and needs to be focused on, instead of the reader noticing wrong punctuation.

"Cape." She answered... [un-capitalize "She"]

"It's the vampire equivalent to BBC 1." Elizabeth informed her... [Comma after "1"]

"And they called it 'Cape'." She said... [comma after "'Cape'" and un-capitalize "She"]

"...species on the planet." She countered... [comma after "planet", un-capitalize "She"]

The newsreader sat awkwardly... [I'm confused as to why this paragraph and the one after are in italics?]

Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak but Victoria continued before she could. [Stylistically I would argue this sentence needs to be in its own paragraph, as Elizabeth's "almost speaking" is still an action that involves dialogue, even if just bringing attention to the "lack" of dialogue.]

The glistening paths of the journeys of fallen tears evident on her face. [? Maybe omit "of the journeys", I'm not sure about that phrasing, it sounds awkward]

Victoria was unwilling forced into the back of the car . [Typo, extra space after "car"]

"Wrong car key." She mumbled... [Comma after "key", un-capitalize "She"]

...with but three words pulso si audes (if you dare knock). [I liked this descriptive detail on the Setting. It was unique and I thought it also functioned as a foreshadow, which is cool to see worked into the setting.]

A black haired woman with lips red as blood peered round. [The slang here felt off/odd, I would just suggest going with "around". Since you are using the slang though, and if you would rather keep it that way, make sure you punctuate it as: " 'round ", with the single quotation before the "r", otherwise it's spelled wrong.]

The discomfiture was making Victoria anxious. [I'm pretty positive this is a misuse of the word "discomfiture", as I think it means anxious right? Anxious or embarrassed? So why not just, "Victoria felt anxious." or "Victoria was discomforted." - I don't think "discomfiture" can be used as a noun.]

"Victoria, this was your home; you were born here. [Typo, missing an end quotation to close the dialogue.]

"I had this big idea of life." She began... [comma instead of period after "life", and un-capitalize "She"]

Viay's contrite face told her all she needed to know. [This is a new character/action, so I would put it in its own paragraph.]

"Yeah." Victoria lied. [comma instead of period after "Yeah"]

As I mentioned before in my critique of the opening, I feel that there are too many characters introduced all together in this chapter, and it was difficult for me to understand which ones would be re-occurring, or why I should care about the ones who I'll never see again. If all of the characters introduced are indeed major characters, then yeah, I feel like maybe either cutting this chapter in two (you can keep it in the "episode" lengths if you ever publish elsewhere or print the manuscript), or either cutting down character descriptions for people who aren't important to the story, might be in order.

"...might that be neophyte?" She asked... [un-capitalize "She"]

"Speak child." Aquila almost shouted at her... [comma after "child"]

"Victoria." She said avoiding... [comma after "Victoria", un-capitalize "She"]

"I accept." Victoria said... [comma after "accept"]

"My Lady, please accept my most profound apology." Viay sniggered quietly... [This is one example of where not having correct punctuation in your dialogue might detract from the scene/characters. Is Viay sniggering the dialogue, or is Viay sniggering separately, after the dialogue is spoken? As you have it right now, Viay is sniggering after the delivery of the lines. So they are two separate actions. If that's how you want it, then you're fine, but if you want Viay to "snigger" the actual dialogue/words, then you need to put a comma instead of a period after "apology"]

"...Please forgive my mother she's a little... outspoken. [Typo, missing an end quotation]

"Hello." She said... [comma instead of period after "hello", un-capitalize "She"]

"...I be about to not." She said... [comma after "not", un-capitalize "She"]

...to make sure she was ok. [Misspelled "ok", it needs to be capitalized: OK, or "okay"]

"My Lady." He greeted... [comma after "Lady", un-capitalize "He"]

"Liberated." He corrected almost instantly. [comma after "Liberated", un-capitalize "He"]

"Slaughtered." She said... [comma after "slaughtered", un-capitalize "She"]

"Coward!" He screamed to the heavens. [un-capitalize "He"]

"Coward! Ow!" He cried in pain... [un-capitalize "He"]
Loraine Wentworth chapter 3 . 7/20/2012
Good chapter. You keep the fast pace going and your language is original and poetic. On that note, I like the incantation poem, it fits well with the story. Also, Morton Chainswick is a good name- it's both old fashioned and original.

A few small typos:

and every leader, [remove comma] needs rules

extra-terrestrial incursion [Good description!]

It was a very grim day; the sun veiled itself coyly behind the clouds. [Nice description- very poetic]

She asked a look of pure worry of her face. [Some typos here]

the indigenous hearsay architects. [I love this phrase!]

She didn't like not being the hegemony of herself. [I'm not sure about the use of the word 'hegemony' here]

She fibbed[,] knowing she could do a lot
Loraine Wentworth chapter 2 . 7/19/2012
I'm enjoying your writing style here. Others commented that the story was moving very quickly. I do quite like this- it keeps it flowing well and keeps the action going. Developing the ability to set things on fire does seem very fast though- it might help to make Victoria more shocked by it. I do like that Victoria seems to be a pretty capable character rather than one of the usual fantasy story whiners.

Just a few typos:

who had remarkably managed to keep quiet throughout the whole affair, a miracle is the possible way how. [Not sure about grammar here, maybe check this]

Their plan was coming together benevolently. [Not sure about the choice of word benevolent. They sound scary rather than benevolent!]

passed a large mug of cocoa topped with whipped cream and a generous amount of mini marshmallows; a small amount of steam was slowly finding its way from the top of the hot liquid, through the opening between the cream and the edge of the mug and out into the atmosphere. [Good description. It's made me really want hot chocolate]

to be an omen of ominous events, [a full stop instead of a comma here might be better] the castle was surrounded by resplendent

Victoria lay in bed [Perhaps a couple of carriage returns before this sentence as it is a new section]
Recontre Destinee chapter 4 . 7/19/2012
Greetings from the review game! :)

I love some of your word choices - very eloquent. It's one of my main things while reading original fictions, I love to see lower-frequency words as opposed to higher ones, which you've done here. Bravo!

I didn't like how "talky" this chapter seemed. You had to explain quite a lot, particularly in the first paragraph, and I don't think it was as broken up as it needed to be. Hear me out on this, because I'm writing a story where I have to explain a lot of things about how World War II has shifted and lasted until 2037. It's a struggle that I identify with, because it totally makes sense in my head, but I have to explain my ideas to an audience that has no clue what's going on, and I feel like that's what happened here. Try breaking that up more, and you'll find your rhythm.
Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 7/19/2012
This is really interesting. I like that you've taken time to introduce the characters. Jenna sounds horrible- I hope she gets her comeuppance!

A few minor typos/grammar issues:

A day that would in this case, [remove this comma?] begin like any other, but [that would] end, leaving one girl in doubt of who she was.

doing that last minute homework you forgot to do over the school break, maths in this case. [Haha I like this]

All of the houses on the estate where [were] built

let's hust [just] say they weren't exactly, normal for lack of a better word."

All in all, a promising start. There are just a few small typos to correct. This story is intriguing, so I will continue to read more.
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 7/19/2012
I don't like the description, especially near the beginning. You describe every little detail/movement etc., and it gets a little tiresome. It slows the pacing of the narration down a lot, too, which makes the story much less interesting. Most readers will begin to skim here, and then you'll lose them when the action starts.

I like that she won't transform until eighteen. It's an interesting new twist on the vampire myth, and it makes it your own. It also adds interesting psychological components. Waiting for something to happen is much worse than it happening immediatley.
-Liv
lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/19/2012
Spelling/Grammar:

"Luke, Loucie, the bus is here." She shouted. [This is grammatically incorrect. It needs a comma after "here" and "She" needs to be un-capitalized. If you are unsure of how to format dialogue/speaker tags, please take the time to look it up online through Google, or pick up any of your favorite books and see how the dialogue is formatted. Knowing this can really break or make a story. It helps the flow of the dialogue and it also helps the professional look of everything, so I strongly encourage you to fix these grammar points and continue to write with the correct fashions.]

"That doesn't rhyme." Jenna almost shouted at her. [Needs comma after "rhyme" and un-capitalize "Jenna"]

"Stupid batteries." He almost screamed. [Needs comma after "batteries", un-capitalize "He", and how does someone "almost scream"? I would prefer something more precise, shouted, said, whispered, etc. I'm not sure what the volume level is on an almost-scream - is it just a shout?]

"Why can I still see myself?" She asked, still looking at the glass pane infront of her." [Needs to have "She" un-capitalized. And there's a typo, need to get rid of the quotation mark after "her."]

Plot - I didn't find it particularly original. I feel like I've seen it before, but I don't know the fanfiction that this is part of so I mean, I know that it isn't original because it probably takes after the show, but at the same time, the plot itself, the waking up in the morning, the being an orphan, having mysterious parents - I've seen that done a million times, especially pertaining to vampires. I would've liked to have seen something more original there, even within the concept of the fanfiction too. You're bound probably to a certain plotline/concept with the fiction you're writing under, so many just completely writing a new story could be worth it for the purposes of Fictionpress. Since I've never seen the show, etc. I have to wonder how much of this is your own ideas/concepts, and how much of this was already created.

Opening - I was bored with the opening because it started the same way my day starts - I mean there wasn't much there that made me want to continue because it didn't grab me. People wake up, they get dressed, they have breakfast, they go to school. Okay awesome, but show me something more than that to start a novel. I also didn't like how all the characters were introduced one by one. I think it would be easier to immerse them into the story and introduce them more slowly, or facts about them more slowly too.

Pacing - The pacing was also odd for me for an opening chapter. I feel like after we get to know everyone, all of the sudden Victoria's entire world is falling apart and we're already have everything revealed. While this is a big contrast to the start of the chapter's more boring points, I felt it was a bit rushed, as if the writing wanted to just "get to the good parts" too quickly. I did like the ending though, as the action was much more unique than the opening, and the concept of change for Victoria was good to see.
monkeyCsaw chapter 4 . 7/19/2012
I find myself enjoying this story although I feel as though it's moving a bit too quickly. I do like how Victoria is taking a while to get used to it, and the extensive research you've done is apparent.
Word of advice, please go easy on the advanced and obscure vocabulary. Half the time I'm not sure what anybody is saying and instead of enjoying the story, I'm looking up complex words and piecing them into the sentence to understand what they're saying.

Although, as I have mentioned, I enjoy that Victoria is taking a bit to get used to her newfound roots, I don't entirely like her. She seems too...afraid. Running away and all that. But that's my personal opinion I suppose. She isn't whiny, as I expected, and I like how she stands up for herself.