|Reviews for Moonlighting|
| Vernelley chapter 6 . 11/13/2013
Hi, returning a review from about 3 months ago... :B I've been pretty slow with returns since starting uni, so I apologise.
I thought this was a pretty engaging chapter. Some interesting commentary from the perspective of the Gates, and I think it highlights that the humans aren't the only ones feeling concerned or anxious. At least unlike with the Gates, they're not stumbling around in some completely alien territory. The incidences of missing Gates adds a more sinister element to the story as well.
The interaction between the different species within the Gates is interesting as well; I like how you've described them here with very naturally in the narration (werewolf-demon, vampire-shifter interaction) without it coming off as a lot of telling. I think the tension between Caylee and Cecile is also very well depicted here. But as mentioned by Sam, the two - and the other types of Gates as well - need to learn to coexist peacefully for the time being if they're after help.
["Don't be silly. You're my night in, well, red skin.]
-Probably a typo, but I'm guessing this was supposed to be 'knight'.
It's been quite a while since I've reviewed anything, so I'm a little rusty when it comes to looking at anything with a more analytical or critical viewpoint. I hope it helped in someway, nonetheless.
| Subject-Goto chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
This was an interesting set up, and I loved the pacing of it. You set up the story, without rushing, or dragging it on unnecessarily.
The main character is fairly relatable, and seems like a decent guy. He wants to help, but can still have the guilty pleasures of watching a reality show, even one that sounds as abysmal as 'Cheaters.'
I also liked the description during the rip scene, that simile ('Like a tear in jeans...') gave a clear view of what it could look like, and I also liked the chaos of the scene, which was enhanced by the quick sentences, which allowed adequate description, without dragging on.
All in all, well done.
| Vernelley chapter 5 . 6/22/2013
Sorry for the very late return, life gets busy :( It's been a while since I've read or reviewed anything so I may miss things.
I think it was good to get more development on Samuel than what we've seen of him so far; this chapter really illustrates his character and attitudes in a subtle but effective way. He's among the few who are actually accepting and concerned for the Gates, to the point that he goes out of his way to make sure Cecile feels secure, for example. I think his associates Marcus and Clark are similar (Marcus especially, he seems very insightful on the situation) which is nice to see, but unfortunately they seem to be a minority in a society that responds quite aggressively to the unfamiliar.
It was also interesting to see more of Samuel's background in terms of relationships. He seems to have a good relationship with Rebecca, although perhaps not enough to reveal the extent of his work, though that could also be because it hadn't been as dangerous in the past and there was no need. But the email and photos add a kind of normality to Samuel's circumstances considering all the occurrences relating to the Gates, so it's an interesting contrast.
As for the latter part of the chapter, I feel like this seems to happen whenever some 'foreign' or 'alien' group is initially introduced into an unfamiliar society, at least in history; those who were willing to help the newcomers were generally a minority and were shunned or harassed by the majority, who were usually quite aggressive and hostile. So in that respect it reminds me of various instances in history wherein different racial groups were initially introduced into communities that were foreign to them, and I think it's quite insightful. The party that holds the 'middle ground' or indifferent view seems to be mostly the businesses here, or at least the ones who don't seem to mind who the patrons are as long as they still operate.
Overall, the story's been quite interesting to follow so far, so it'll be good to see how this progresses.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 6/11/2013
Ohhhhh I think I know what type of job Samuel has. Isn't it like some sort of undercover detective? :D
The show cheaters is good and bad. Good, because it's entertaining. Bad, because it's kinda crappy to put more stress on those who have been cheated on. :/
I liked how at the start of the chapter, everything was calm and reflective on Samuel's character, and then shit hit the fan in the second half and now rips appear and girls are jumping out of nowhere and a wolf turns into a boy. :D A nice entertaining balance if you ask me.
A good start overall. :DDD
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 6/7/2013
Wait, there's another story before this? Should I go read it? The start was a little slow. It didn't really seem like much, but more so the typical day-to-day story. Then it got closer to the ending and things started to pick up. As for Samuel as a character, he doesn't really send off much of a personality just yet, but it is also very early in the story. The whole Cheaters bit I found interesting.
-From the Roadhouse
| Vernelley chapter 4 . 3/30/2013
Sorry about the extreme delay in returning your review, I got it just as classes were starting for the year so I haven't had much time for FictionPress. Anyway, I decided to look at this story again since I'd already read some of it a while ago.
It's interesting that it's written in second person and the narrator doesn't seem to be named at all during the chapter, so it really adds a different dimension for the reader. I think what I found the most prominent in the writing here was Jimmy's character; his characterisation is very bold, and from the way it's told by the narration, he's very realistic and easily the sort of person one could imagine from their high school days; I'm sure there were a few of those in every school. So he has this obvious prejudice against the Gates, but the way it's told doesn't make it seem too exaggerated, so I thought that was a strong point.
In terms of the narrator, his characterisation is a lot subtler, but I think this works well as a contrast to Jimmy's dominating characterisation. The fact that he still has doubts about putting his friend before his girlfriend (I'm assuming) shows a realistic sort of internal conflict, so he's not a flat, one-sided kind of character. He also seems more accommodating of the Gates for the most part, so it's another stark contrast to Jimmy and it really makes me wonder how much they do have in common.
I would have to say though, I'm not really sure how this chapter ties in with the others I've read so far. It's interesting to read about another set of characters centred on the same basic plot and concept but it did sort of come out of nowhere because I expected the chapter to be focused on the characters that had already been grounded earlier on. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but I am somewhat confused about how it ties in.
| Vernelley chapter 3 . 10/24/2012
It's been a while since I read this so hopefully I still remember what happened in the last couple of chapters.
I liked how you set the start of the chapter with the interactions between the non-human creatures. It just adds a sense of realism to the story, since they are currently in the human world. It's interesting that the Gates can't return through the rip and are thus still trapped in this world. Makes me wonder what caused the rips in the first place, if they can't go back through them. It's nice to see that at least some of the humans like Kate and her boss are more sympathetic with the Gates and are trying to help them out.
The last line is an interesting concept; it's common for there to be some hostility between parties because of differences, but I find that if something reminds an individual of something he or she doesn't like about himself or herself, they tend to harbour some enmity as well.
Just one small suggestion:
'After that, she kept coming back, telling us about herself and her family and gradually we opened up to her.'
-I think this line might work better if the rest of the chapter after it show a more apparent lapse in time, otherwise it's hard to tell how far back in the past Alys narrated this, since the overall narration is in past tense as well.
Overall, it's becoming engaging now, so it'll be interesting to see how this progresses.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/1/2012
[...but he'd seen a number of them wondering around after everyone else had gone and collecting what rubbish they could.] Should be "wandering" not "wondering".
I like your MC, Samuel. He comes off as very relatable - an easy going, but down to earth and sensible guy who doesn't overreact and likes to see the reality of things, not the spiced up hubub of whatever other people are fussing about.
[Like a tear in jeans that slowly rips until finally fully giving away, the gap in the air suddenly burst open.] I think this is one of my favorite similes in the first chapter. Very crisp mental imagery; nice job.
By the end I really wonder what's going on, but it's an engaging prologue and I'm sure that's the point. :)
| Nanumi chapter 2 . 7/10/2012
Loved this, it's so interesting. The characters are realistic and well-described, the settings leave a little to be desired in terms of detail but the character interaction is superb. Hope to see more of this!
| ruelariat chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Well, this story starts off rather interesting with the story of the emo kids hanging out at the park. I have the feeling that this story is set perhaps in the future or maybe it's just a twisted version of our current time. Either way, it's entertaining. I like the bits about the newspapers spreading propaganda about the emos. Every reader I've ever met is always interested in the misunderstood aspect of the story because they feel like they can relate to it.
I like how you explain Sam's job to catch cheaters, but perhaps you could smooth it out a little bit. I was a little confused about what his job was at first until I read the paragraph with "Miss Smith" in it. Also, the part about the rip in the air. I think it could use a little bit more description as to what it looks like and how these beings are coming through it. Are they falling? Are the walking through it? Is it a vertical or horizontal rip? Just add a few more sentences/adjectives to get the image across clearer and it'll be just right.
I'm liking how you're developing Sam's character. There's enough little background stories about the emos, his job, and his reaction to the rip that gives an idea as to what kind of a person he is; and I can't wait to see how you continue to develop this character.
The story is set up nicely overall. There's enough intrigue to keep the audience interested, and I like the fantasy aspect of it. I can't wait to see what happens next.
There are no spelling mistakes or really any awkward sentence structures. The only thing I can see is a lot of commas where semicolons, colons, em dashes, or periods could be used instead. Just use a larger variety of punctuation to make the reading flow better. For example:
"But they had all been in one place, getting to know each other and widening their network of friends on MySpace, Facebook's now almost forgotten predecessor." I would turn the comma after MySpace into an em dash.
There is nothing major wrong with this story, and it has a fairly good quality overall. I enjoyed it and it was a good read.
via the Roadhouse.
| CieloRayn chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
Great start to the story ) there were a coupke minor mistakes liek you put had twice in one place and also "After checking the one containing liquid still wasn't leaking" should add to make sure, to this to make more sense. Other than that I thought it was good can't wait to read more ).
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
Well, now I know why you hated the new system. For me, it's down to what happened to the avatars plus the possible retardation on the stats traffic (Note that the second part should be seen as a figment of self-imagination unless proven otherwise). Anyway, this is a good piece of short first chapter from you. Firstly, I need to be blunt in saying that I'm not too sure how this story linked to Dark timeline wise. A lot of vital information went missing abruptly, so I think you might need to make an author's note on that count.
Secondly, it's interesting to see that Samuel could be seen as a quasi-hypocrite. On one hand, he has an idealistic streak for the best ending. Yet despite opting not to do the worst, he still had that thrill of being a voyeur so as to speak. Taking the higher moral ground by not publicly humiliating the target(s) shouldn't be an excuse, yet to me, that's what truly made him humane. He knew something shouldn't be that way with him, yet he couldn't fight it. Or perhaps it's either he's truly clueless or in denial. In this sense, I won't call him badass, but I can call him believably humane. In fact out of all the stories I've read so far in this site, only three characters comes to mind on this aspect: Dr Self Destruct's Eric Lynch, lookingwest's Hartwin and Samuel Bode himself. Unlike the former two, you've actually gone about utilizing the subtle effects of the society to make his fallacy...erm equally fallible lol. If Eric Lynch and Hartwin's intro effects are down an immediate shock impact, then Samuel's case would be the closest thing to real life parallel since we don't get to see things that clearly first person.
Which now comes to his far apparent haplessness towards whatever he saw along the way. Now when we use the term "the greatest evil", it's not down to acts or emotions. It's down to apathy. If I don't feel anything for a person, it means I don't care whether he lives or die, let alone trying to help him. Scary, huh? But to me, that's how humane cruelty is being hardwired. So imagine my relief that you can truly portray weakness as the justification of hope in this story. To me, it's truly an exact mirror on what it truly takes to invoke empathy. In fact, whenever Samuel ended up holding the bottle, his pain of failure might be the only way to shock all the other numbed idiots back into reality so as to speak. Way too often when we focused on results rather from what we've learnt, there are only two ways to go: Either I go numb or I go broken. I'd rather opt for the latter because if it's the former, that will only mean that I'm no different from El Diablo himself. On an interesting sidenote, I do have a love-hate relationship with media in general. On one hand, I know they can't be hundred percent truthful. Yet on the other, I enjoy getting kicks on debunking whatever I can debunk. Yes, I know I'm truly twisted and unfit to live as part of the greater society. :D
So here comes to final part: Now that's the one which looped me back into the focal question. Exactly when did this story take place in relation to Dark? My best guess will be during his search for the male Phoenix sibling (Hope I get the surname correct. My brain is starting to shut down due to lack of sleep).
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 6/28/2012
I'm feeling that in this chapter, more than others I've read of yours writing-wise, there was a bit of an over-use of the word "had" and "that", that I don't think is necessarily needed in most places you have them. A few examples below:
"Get the hell out," Myat had continued...
Caylee watched as the man disappeared, then both she and her brother had gone into the girl's flat, sitting with her, talking to her until she had calmed down. ["had gone" could just be "went" here too]
Myat had happily agreed, and Caylee felt thankful that they had at least one human ally. ["that" could be omitted from this one, for instances]
I liked your first section and the introduction of Caylee and her brother Myat. I also really like the name Myat. Their descriptions were very intriguing and made me wonder what kind of Supe they might be, which I thought brought another instance of uniqueness to this story. I liked the update on the Gates that we get in the first chapter too. I think actually, that I'm just now starting to remember reading the short story this was based on - at least I think so... but yeah, I like that you take the Gate concept further and have it opening in different places around the world. Some great ideas here.
Oh, by the way, I like the title of this too.
Oh right! I totally remember this story now! xD I like how you've incorporated the short story into this with her losing her brother and then going to Sam about it. I thought you tied him in really well. I also thought the idea to slow this down is great too. The conversations and dialogue you've constructed have really brought this to a novel-concept that I look forward to reading more about!
| Vernelley chapter 2 . 6/27/2012
It's good for Caylee and Myat that they can have *some* human allies; even if they're mostly junkies or neighbours like Gina. Well, Matthew Biggs or whatever he's called could sort of qualify as an ally as well, I suppose. He's not hostile toward the Gates, at least.
I think one of the interesting points raised in this chapter was that humans accuse the Gates of sticking to their own kind when in reality they do the same thing because of fear and uncertainty.
I actually was wondering how Samuel Bode would tie in from the prologue, but that was explained here in a very neat fashion, so I liked that. I'm curious how he'll be able to help Caylee find her brother.
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 6/27/2012
I read this because you mentioned it was linked to Blend In, which I remember liking as I read it. So far it seems to touch a little on the same kind of themes - generalisation, stereotyping, fear leading to hostility and so on.
I do like how Samuel is characterised so far, though. Although it may not seem to be the most interesting job from his perspective, from a reader's perspective it's not the most mundane, humdrum job either.
This 'rip' is curious; maybe this is where the Gates come from and where they got their name? Or some other party and I've got things totally scrambled...
Anyway, it's a very intriguing start.
(P.S. And sorry for the super late return A)