|Reviews for My Yellowstone Odyessy|
| l.poe chapter 5 . 2/10/2014
Okay so I've ready the first four chapters prologue and I'm going to outline my thoughts for you before delving in. I'll be touching on Krin's character, the format of the piece (and my problems/thoughts with it) as well as a few other critiques.
I think you have a pretty solid understanding of your character; I realize that you have written her in quite a few different pieces so you seem to understand her motives and her actions. That's good. I'm not sure if it is your writing style or the format of the piece, but Krin comes off as a little robotic to me. Her first real sign of emotion wasn't until this chapter (end of three/beginning of four). The issue with this, as a reader, is that it is hard to actually make a connection to the character.
The fact that I wasn't able to connect with her immediately is really weird. Not only is it in the form of diary entries (the window to a lot of people's soul. Hell, a piece of a person's soul) but it is also written in first person. First person POV is a really intimate point of view because it is supposed to be able to tell us a character's emotions, thoughts, feelings, and a deeper meaning in what is going on. This should be intensified, if nothing else, because you have chosen to write the piece in journal entry form. However, instead of getting insight to Krin's thoughts you are merely giving an account of her day. I'm literally reading a list. It reminds me of a grocery list, like I'm walking down this big long store, making sure that I've checked everything off. Not only does this completely disconnect me from the action, but it makes me, as a reader, feel disconnected from the story - like I'm being talked AT not talked to.
If you are going to continue writing stories about Krin, then I think you need to shift it out of diary/journal/blog entry format because you have quite a bit of dialogue and action that doesn't make sense with the format. Instead of using quotes and telling me exactly what happened recount it. When Krin finds out that her ex died instead of having it be dialogue it could be far more intimate. The tears that she bursts into could be this swirling whirlwind of emotion that she describes (Regardless this should happen in first person, though).
If you do not want to shift out of these, then I recommend finding some blogs online that women, mothers, teenage girls keep. There are millions out there, and some really good writers on them, too. That'll give you a better understanding of what these chapters should read like.
Besides the fact that I felt disconnected with Krin, I noticed you were trying to put some action in there that didn't involve riding their bikes to and from each camping location. There were some unnecessary scenes that I felt like you added in as fluff.
For example, the scene with the two teenage girls that Krin (for some reason, I don't understand her motivation here at all) decides to talk to. There are a few other instances, like her make out sesh with Terry or when you describe her getting ready in the morning.
Maybe it is just me, but I don't think I would write down that I was half naked and my boobs were freezing in my diary (again, that was shopping listy).
I loved your descriptions and the setting. Your knowledge is unreal and I love how your passion for it shines through in your pieces. Grasp onto that more. Let Krin out, too. Develop her personality a little bit so that she doesn't come off as such an automatic character. What kind of thoughts is she thinking while she is riding the bike? What is going through her head while she's walking around the Harley store? What does she dream about? Does she think Terry is a good kisser? There is more to her than feeling cold and describing her physical appearance, I know there is.
Other than that, I seriously recommend proof reading. Proofread, proofread, proofread. You have majorly long sentences that are not only run ons but neeeeeeed to be broken up to make reading easier. If you insist on having dialogue make sure that it is sorted correctly and broken up and the proper punctuation is used.
(Example: "Hey Mom, what's up?" I asked. BREAK IN PARAGRAPH
"Oh, Honey, are you all right?" BREAK IN PARAGRAPH
"We're just fine, Mom. We're at the Harley Shop in Jackson Hole; Terry's bike had a bad coil and we're getting it replaced. What's up?")
Dialogue being blocked together gets super confusing to figure out who is talking.
I think its really interesting and that you've got a lot of potential to better develop this! (: Keep it up.
| JustJazzyD chapter 4 . 4/4/2013
Krin's parents must trust her a lot to let her go off for a week with her new bf Terry. In part I they flipped at her for spending the night with Ted in the motel.
Krin was a little mean to those random campers regarding the bathroom situation IMO.
With Ted being dead and Terry's bike acting up, you've set this story up with more drama and suspense. I like it better than Amorous Adventures part I so far.
| JustJazzyD chapter 2 . 4/4/2013
First thought: why is this chapter bold? Bolding is for extra emphasis or to highlight specific things within the passage. You should edit this.