|Reviews for Opus Veracity|
| Nabo Preo chapter 3 . 12/26/2012
Okay so, I had this story bookmarked on my Google browser for a looooong time and finally got the time to read today. And now I'm regretting why the heck I didn't read it as soon as I came across it :')
The poem in the beginning was quite nice. The 'short bad' prologue struck up my interest xD
I quite like the way you narrated the happenings. Liked the way you described the countenance each time - glared, grinned, rolled his eyes. makes it lively. But the repeated mention of the hair/eye color seems unnecessary.
*handing you a really long ladder* Here, tie this one with yours, you'll be able to reach higher. Hope the wall's not longer than the doubled ladder .
*you start thanking me and pause midway with your eyes widened in shock as I point a gun at you* There, I gave you a review. Now give me cookies! ;D
| Jolly Rogers chapter 2 . 8/20/2012
Okay first off, why are you writing the dialogue in bold? You should probably cut that out. It serves no purpose.
A few times you had far more comma's than you needed ((He despised the rush, the hurry, the traffic. He was more of a laid-back kind of guy, desiring relaxation, peace, and tranquility.)) This looks clunky, reads clunky and if you were to say it aloud it would sound clunky. I think you were doing it to make sure that it didn't come off as a run-on sentence but next time you might want to drop a descriptive word (or two... or three) or just separate with a new sentence.
There were one or two spelling errors but nothing criminal.
On to writing style:
Beware of over-describing. I say this with complete love and a desire to help... no one cares about eye color or hair color or the particulars of every article of clothing. We do not need to be told after every single line of dialogue that Jordan grinned, shrugged or glared. This is a problem I used to have but that I am remedying in a hurry. Do not treat your reader like he/she will not be able to understand what's going without you implicitly stating it. When we write we should not be trying to force certain images in a person's head with constant reminders of eye and hair color and facial contortions. Rather, we should give them enough to fuel their imaginations and that's it. Every once and a while you mention a grin or a shrug, usually when it is completely necessary. Show restraint, as being too detailed is just as bad as being too vague.
Also... there were far too many "glares" in this one chapter. Watch out for repetition.
On to the characters and plot itself:
I enjoyed the prologue for the most part (though a lot of my points here can stand there as well). I liked the poem at the beginning and everything. This chapter though...
Okay, I know you mentioned that you like using stereotypes and I see what you are getting at. Cliche's are okay as long as they are well-written. Unfortunately that honestly is not the case here.
Here's the thing Twas... no one acts likes this in the real world. Jocks don't call entire sides of the school their territory, groups of girls do not audibly sigh over a guy they're into... (("Guys, who's more muscular here? Me or pathetic little Sterling here?")) No high-schooler talks like this, I don't care how jocky they are! And the peace-loving hippies? Is this the 60's?
Did I mention I am a harsh critic?
I don't mean to be rude but there is a difference between cliche'd stereotypical characters and characters that have no basis in reality at all, and at this point you are leaning more to the latter. When a person cannot relate to a character than they don't care about what happens to them... and if you don't care about what's happening to them then its only a matter of time before the work stops being read. There IS a way to make a character so ove-the-top stereotypical that they are interesting and funny, but that isn't what's going on here. Your world doesn't have to follow real-world rules but it sure as hell better have very real, very human characters. No fiction is an exception to this, even fantasy.
To end on a more positive note, I do like the fact that you mentioned Astra when Jordan was reading minds. This at least shows me you understand foreshadowing and pacing.
The litle bits of plot so far seem interesting, but there a LOT of stuff here that doesn't sit well with me so that it might be hard for me to read more. Again, my point isn't to tear you down here but to build you up with honest criticism. You already have a few reviews up so apparently people are liking this... in spite of that though I do not think I am wrong here. Please take what I say into consideration.
Good luck and happy writing!
| Raven of the Shades chapter 3 . 8/17/2012
"I've just hit a brick wall. O_O Tis a very high wall. Currently procuring ladders and such to climb this wall but... it may take a while. Feel free to PM me and just bother/annoy me into writing. The goal is to get a chapter up before school starts. Which is in a little over a week. *glances at watch nervously* Well, I'd better be getting started-OH LOOK, A SHINY!"
I may have to quote you on that.
| Raven of the Shades chapter 2 . 8/17/2012
ooh. Principal's office thoughts trapped in the doorknob? Nice.
I've seriously been going through this and going "Man of black... check... boy of green... check..." But wasn't it a GIRL who had powers unseen? (I'm interpreting the doorknob thing as the powers thing)
A continuing thanks for writing.
| Raven of the Shades chapter 1 . 8/17/2012
This sounds pretty good. I like the poem at the beginning, although I think saying "kids" is a little too informal and modern for the poem's tone. Try something else there?
| ThePhoenixDaughter chapter 1 . 8/17/2012
| Abundance Seaborn chapter 2 . 7/27/2012
I love the plot and I think it is very well written,good job!
| DomiKat chapter 3 . 7/25/2012
...you tricked me. I thought there was another chapter called "Construction." . Sneaky...
HURRY UP AND UPDATE ALREADY! I'm waiting with baited breath!
| DomiKat chapter 2 . 7/25/2012
I gotta say, I love Jordan already. I don't know why, but the whole blonde hair, blue eyes thing, plus his sarcasm and skepticism makes him seem really hot, to me at least. xD And Sterling! Gosh, I love that name. I have a feeling he's going to be a really cool character. At least, I hope he continues to play a big part in the story, 'cause I have high hopes for him as a character. :)
GREAT JOB SO FAR. I'm interested already!
Chapter 2, I shall read now. (Yoda, I still am.)
| DomiKat chapter 1 . 7/25/2012
Okay, weird. I noticed the "New Characters" thing you did at the bottom of the prologue...and I did the same thing in my story! (Well, sort of. Similar, at least.) I've never seen someone do that before, so I thought it was strange...
First of all, good Prologue! It's good to give the reader a little bit and leave them wanting more. That's what prologues - and summaries - are for, technically. Give them just enough information to get them invested in the story, but not enough for them to know what's going on. So many questions, I have! (Yoda, I am!)
Secondly...there is no second thing I want to say.
To the next chapter!
| Gibsos chapter 3 . 7/21/2012
I really loved the prologue. Very intriguing and well written. :) Kind of short, but you knew the perfect details to highlight that would make the area seem abandoned. I also really like that you're setting it up so the interaction there isn't immediately explained.
In the next chapter the characters seemed a bit cliche. I have faith that you have something bigger planned for them, because of little things like Sterling wanting to take on Dave for a long time, and being over protective and white knight-ish to the point on calling out the nerdy kid for laughing, even if he is a jock. As well as the fact that the 'nerd' isn't the cookie cutter nerd without a backbone. Just make sure you don't fall into the habit of writing them only as 'white knight' and 'computer hacker'.
Other than that I'm looking forward to seeing why it is that Jordan can hear people's thoughts. And whether all the thoughts he heard were of people still there, or if it was an imprint kind of thing going on. :P
| Beau Mercury chapter 3 . 7/13/2012
UGH! I saw this and I was like WOOO UPDATE! BUT NO! IT'S NOT AN UPDATE! :o
lol anyways, update soon XD
| Nori-san chapter 1 . 7/11/2012
Hello there Twas, or Warith.
Well, let's just say that I happened to chance onto your story and after reading the prologue, I am quite intrigued about your writing style.
Since I have only read the prologue, I will not have much comments for now but just some random thoughts.
Is there a special reason for the bolded dialogue? I was thinking that maybe because of their inhuman being, the bold somewhat represents the distorted and static voice of theirs.
You managed to nail the details now, which was excellent as it helps us readers to paint the story out in our mind and that is something I always look for in stories. I will read your other chapters soon when time allows me to. Great job so far.
Keep on Writing!
| Abbytjie chapter 2 . 7/11/2012
Having the dialogue in bold is really, really confusing. It makes all the words seem forced and distant, and is so unnecessary.
Labelling everyone as jocks, nerds etc. is really cliché. The same thing applies to all their words and reactions, it fits their label, is predictable and doesn't seem like anything a real person would say. You should try to get IN to your characters and really figure out who they are so you can get a feel for what and how they would say and react to situations.
However, the plotline so far is really interesting and very good. I'd like to see more.
P.S. The poem at the beginning is awesome.
| Silvore chapter 2 . 7/9/2012
Nice, very intriguing... One of the better stories out there. I've never really known about NY school, so I'm curious if this is actually how it is... then that is pretty freaky. My school is a little too saint-like.
Advice: I feel that the story is a little slow, no offense. You're telling us more than showing us. For example:
Just dared you to punch him. 'Come on, see what happens. Punch me. I can take it, but can you?'.
The part in the quotes is unnecessary. That is all completely understood from the first sentence. Another example:
"TEACHER! TEACHER COMING!" Someone announced, panic in their voice.
"panic in their voice" is also not needed, it is obvious that this rattles them.
Sterling grinned back and looked ahead, down the hall. Most kids were by their lockers, chatting or putting their books away. Mainly talking though.
That all could be summarized into one sentence: Sterling grinned back and looked down the hall, where students were chatting and mingling.
I understand that for fictionpress you want your chapters to have some length, because short chapters aren't really fun to read. But at the same time, as a writer you want to get out what you need in the least amount you can. If you spend too much time on description the reader gets bored and is more likely to put the book down or look for another story on fictionpress to read.
Besides that, I love your story. It has a great basis, and it will be really captivating. Your foreshadowing is great with the Astra reference in Jordan's hearing-thing. First chapters are always the hardest; I get you have to set it up for later on. So great job, can't wait for the next one!