Reviews for Your Salty Blood
Luckycool9 chapter 1 . 10/10/2012
I like the way the suspense build in this piece because this gives the short piece a physical plot and a cool concept. I also liked the metaphors and the anangolies of the brain since it displayed how it actually works and how this poses a question. It works great as angst and this is coming form a happy guy who writes angst... Great one-shot! To the favorites it goes.
Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 9/25/2012
[Depression seeps in like a flood, like thick molasses penetrating the skull.] I actually really enjoyed this creative imagery you started your piece with because it really starts to make me picture the scene and set myself for the tone and mood.

[Kill yourself?] Good usauge of retorical questions. I like the depth of dark emotion that rises from these questions. :D And you make good points, especailly when considering life and death, and suicide...makes me, (probably other readers as well), really think. :D
Not Bent Just Broken chapter 1 . 8/7/2012
I really like all the short little snippets of sentences. That's a risky business - using a lot of short sentences - but you put longer ones in there and it made it more varied.
I also like the morbidity of this. I think that's just my style. Morbid. It's dark and has a lot of strength to it. That can be hard to accomplish with such a short piece. Well done.
OneOriginalThing chapter 1 . 7/6/2012
opening- it really hooked because the way you describe the confusion of the pain really helps describe how painful this entire situation really is. It's obvious when you get to this sort of pain, where you can't even think straight is just awful.

techniques- I noticed that you use a lot of similes such as;
"...sadness and day-to-day fight for survival wrap around your legs, covering them like broken fishnets."
this can be distracting, but it also brings a deeper level of emotion, and pain to your story. so it's easy to say i don't know how i feel about this. I can obviously go either way.

Ending- Well i found your ending very dark, in the least. It's very deep, and poetic. Which leaves wondering what you actually mean. I mean these three to four sentences could mean so many things, they could have so many double meanings. And once i'm not sure if i like that. If that was what you were going for then good job.

enjoyment- I just found this really dark, and deep. And I personally like to read happy things. But i realize that your writing usually centers around stuff like this which is meaningful, and the ending isn't always happy. So I guess i enjoyed reading this. even if it made me want to cry.
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Ah-I like the style of this. Very dramatic. And the imagery is good, because all of the details are so unique. "The molasses your mind marinates in, the broken fishnets, the black fingers and your salty blood; would those all be enough to hurt yourself?" I mean, that's so not cliche. I IS PROUD OF YOUSE.

Not a big fan of the repetition of "maybe". It might be better to condense all the "maybe"s into one paragraph, to take the emphasis off that word? Because, with each one its own paragraph, the maybe gets a lot of impact, and I think the rest of the sentence looses out.

Keep writing!
-Liv
Nesasio chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
This was a good start, and an interesting interpretation of the prompt. It might have benefited from more of a plot or concrete scene, but it had some nice imagery. At times I had trouble following the narrator's statements because, quite frankly, all the hypothetical statements and questions started to get a little repetitive. No ideas really stood out to me here so it all felt like the same thing rehashed in new words with hardly any flow until the very end. Overall the writing was solid, but a little variety would make this a little more accessible, I think. Nice job and good luck in the WCC. :)
Velvet Vixen chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
I liked the use of repetition in this, and I think it added extra weight to what you were saying. I also thought some of the examples you used - as others have pointed out - were nicely done. My favourite line though was definitely the last one which I think, although bleak, is very dramatic and makes for a good ending.
A. Gray chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
Very dark solid entry! This is my kind of writing, and I love how you pose such a question then answer it yourself. Really makes a person think.
Well done and Good luck!
cellophanediamond chapter 1 . 7/2/2012
Wow. This is seriously beautiful! There are so many amazing images in this piece...

My favorite line would have to be 'Maybe all the hate in your veins turns your blood the color of teardrops, stinging you with a salty rush every time your heart pumps.' And the ending is breathtaking.

This piece is incredibly chilly-making and lyrical. I seriously love it.

xoxo
Cello

P.S. I love you!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/2/2012
I liked the sentence about brushing the gravestone because I thought it hinted at a cool setting detail, even if this piece isn't supposed to have a concerete setting. Just a little hint here in there was nice, like the bridge line too in one of the last paragraphs. As far as the prompt I think for me I would've liked it more pronounced. I do like the line about crying because of silence though, because I thought that was a good direct moment that nods to the prompt, but I would've like to have seen it worked around more of the lines and concepts too. This was a good narration for reflection though. Heavy on like an introspective look into the reader and the character narrating...I like that, I think it's unique. Overall I think this makes a good flash fiction. Good luck in this month's WCC!
pseudonymsurname chapter 1 . 7/2/2012
I thought this was really interesting; it had a very internal feel to it that I thought worked well. A snapshot into the mind and what might go through those of people who are considering committing suicide. And, in that vein, I thought the general ‘you’ worked in this because it isn’t one particular person’s story so much as an insight into a particular mind-set, if that makes any sense at all. I thought it also flowed well, aided by your use of repetition and rhetorical questions – ensuring that despite this being essentially plot-less, the pace did not suffer as a result.

Things I noticed while reading:

“Depression seeps in like a flood, like thick molasses penetrating the skull.” Small thing, but I’d change the word ‘penetrating’ – it doesn’t correlate with something a thick liquid does and so it doesn’t sound right. Maybe use another word that echoes ‘seeps’.

“in the world to rain in” Maybe it’s just me, but I thought the phrase ‘rain in’ sounded awkward and changing it would also avoid the repetition of ‘in’.

“It might be that every time you brush a gravestone, purposely or accidentally, all the grieving that happened there paints your fingernails black.” This line kind of stunted the array of paragraphs you have starting with ‘maybe’. It seems a bit out of place because of this.

“an unrecognizable dark color.” Personally, I’d like another image to maybe convey this colour.

“The molasses your mind marinates in” Really liked this line.

The end line was great. It takes all the maybes and ifs and ambiguity of the piece and brings it together under the main point: ‘your brain never saves you from yourself’. I thought it was well done and provided a very assured and definite ending.

Good luck in the WCC :)
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
I would have liked for this to have a bit of a plot, rather than just a stream of consciousness type feel, as I think that a conflict would have drawn me into your writing a bit more. As is, it's slightly inaccessible because of that. I also would have liked to see some characters, rather than just a general "you", as that also would have tied me in to your piece more than otherwise.

Otherwise, I liked your imagery because it was unique and vivid. I would caution you, though, to perhaps not lay it on quite so thick, as it can get overwhelming.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
I really like all the maybes. It does a good job of showing the confusion, particularly with the way you've structured it. The short paragraphs (which you've improved vastly since you started out) and the repetitive questions following the maybes. Shows that nothing is certain, while at the same time putting forward a certain image.

In some parts, I don't particularly agree with your word choices. You've got a powerful idea, but there are areas where the wording makes it fall flat. One example is [How does it feel to have your mind so completely pushed into darkness that you would do everything your brain tries to keep you from doing?] - normally, that would be fine, but for such a powerful image, the sentence is a little long without pauses. And tries is somewhat of a mundane word. The passion is lacking from it, if you get what I mean. That's my only problem though.

Good luck in the WCC.
Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
"Maybe all the hate in your veins turns your blood the color of teardrops, stinging you with a salty rush every time your heart pumps." What a brilliant line. You've got some wonderfully dark imagery, and your use of rhetorical questions is interesting. The tone of this seems rather snide as a result, which was interesting.

I think a little bit more context would be nice in this, for example what triggered the suicide specifically. Apart from that, you did pretty well. :)

Katie.
DandelionsAndDaydreams chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
Um... wow. That was amazing. I had chills while reading this. Seriously amazing. It's so emotional and all the poetic writing like "Maybe all the hate in your veins turns your blood the color of teardrops, stinging you with a salty rush every time your heart pumps." was amazing. I loved how you brought in the fact that the brain has one function, and that is to survive. So good. There really was nothing wrong with this. The first sentence was slightly confusing, but it doesn't matter all that much.
This was amazing. Breathtakingly beautiful.
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